pith: (LKH-needstoedit)
pith ([personal profile] pith) wrote in [community profile] lkh_lashouts2006-12-30 09:55 pm

Blogflog: Dear Negative Reader

This one should be subtitled "And Laurell takes the lead away from Anne in the Wank Race!" Prepare to spit fire.

Link: http://blog.laurellkhamilton.org/2006/12/dear-negative-reader.html



Dear Negative Reader

Very mature, there. Anyone who disagrees with you or isn't on your side is "negative".

I'm sure there are other books out there that will make you happier than mine. There are books with less sex in them, God knows. There are books that don't make you think that hard. Books that don't push you past that comfortable envelope of the mundane.

"Books that don't make you think that hard"? WTF? I've heard people say they "skipped all the sex scenes" and still understood LKH novels, so clearly, higher brain function is not required. (No offence meant, naturally, to you brave souls who have skipped the sex and read the rest.) "Comfortable envelope of the mundane"? LKH has said that no one will die because it will hurt her/Anita. What the hell is that if not "comfort"? Also, her books have become so repetitive that I would call them mundane, except I'm sure the dictionary (yeah, the one she apparently evicted years ago) would knock on my door, kick my ass, and replace "mundane" with "tripe".

They are books that push my character and me to the edge and beyond of our comfort zones.

So damn not true it's not funny. As I said above, there's the no-death thing. Anita and Merry get to fuck whoever they please because of the ardeur or trying to get pregnant or because it's Tuesday. These characters are not pushed anywhere, let alone to the edge of their comfort zones. It's like a really bad version of Groundhog Day, where NOTHING CHANGES.

Let this post also put to rest the idea that I don't know that a small minority, albeit a loud minority, hates my series. I've known that for awhile.

Ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, indeed.

I finally realized that I'm not going to understand this noisy, unpleasant minority of my fans. Because you are fans. Only fans would spend this much time and energy on anything. It's a strange kind of fan, a negative fan, but you spend so much time and energy hating and complaining that some part of you must love the hate and complaining.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I know I consider myself more of a walking warning. I actively discourage people from entering into LKHville at all costs.

And if you don't think you are the minority, well, sorry, guys but you are. I have the sales figures to prove it.

a) What's wrong with being a minority?
b) Sales figures are worth less than the paper they're printed on.
c) What's good doesn't always sell; what sells isn't always good.

Some people even ask for more police procedural. I want more, too

Newsflash: So do we. Oh, but wait. You can't get past the part of our criticism that says you're going downhill to realize that we actually think there's something worth following in either series. LKH has the same tunnelvision she accuses us of having.

The ardeur is a pain in my, and Anita's butt, too.

And, as lovely Jean-Claude would say, so many other places.

I've done this major metaphysical event. I won't just 'fix it' because it's hard to write around. God, knows, sometimes it is. But the arduer is moving along. I've got my fix in mind, but it's logical, not something that's merely convenient, or because some people hate it. But the arduer is not going away. If that's what you guys are wanting, then it ain't happening. Leave now, because more arduer awaits. The arduer is evolving, as are Anita's powers, but I don't see the arduer going poof.

"Evolving". You keep saying this word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

I have failed as a writer that you could kill them, and feel nothing.

I… you know, I don't think I'll say anything about this line. I will simply let it sit there in its glory, because she actually admitted a failure.

My characters are real to me in a way that makes me miss them.

Yeah, and that's fine, to a degree. BUT PEOPLE DIE. Considering the number of times she's wangsted about her grandmother and her mother and on and on, she knows. But you move on. Both of my grandfathers are dead and one of my grandmothers. Do I miss them? Horribly. But I've moved on. I realize that people are born, they live, they die. It's how it works. It's what makes vampires tragic.

Or maybe this will not move you, maybe you do not feel for the loneliness of the vampires that have not known love for centuries.

We do. Because we read lots of authors who actually deal with it. But the fact still remains that a) people die and b) characters aren't real. There are people at Lashouts who can attest to the fact that I get a bit weird about my characters. Those same people can also attest that I don't shy away from character death. People die. If you want your fictional world to feel truly real, characters have to die too.

Maybe you do not feel any of that. If you don't feel it, then I have failed you as a writer. I am sorry for that. If you do not feel the touch of my characters, the emotional pain, the emotional triumphs, then I have failed you. You should stop reading me. My writing does not weave magic for you.

This is turning into the worst Dear John letter ever. "It's not you. It's me. Oh, no, wait. It really is you. You don’t understand my vision!"

Go, and find someone who does speak to you. Someone who's characters are plot devices, so the books are neat, understandable, clinical, and utterly organized.

Oh, wait. It is us. Silly me, thinking Laurell might actually be accepting some blame!

They are big, messy books, a lot like life.

Except in real life, people die. They fall in and out of love. They move, they change jobs, they have kids.

Oh, and they shower.

I'll give you guys a few minutes to stop reading this, or to go into another room. I'll give you a few minutes, before I talk to the positive readers that are staying.

*L* Mass exodus, anyone?

here are hints about THE HARLEQUIN. First, Edward is in the book in a major way. Second, so is Olaf. Yeah, serial killer guy is back. Anita ends up feeding full blown arduer on three characters she's never been with before.

Oh joy. Run, Edward, run!

One of the wereanimal groups will betray Jean-Claude, and Anita.

Oh dear sweet gods. Please let Richard reclaim his spine, gather the wolves, and create some motherfuckin' havoc that Loki (and Samuel L. Jackson) would be proud of.

I hope it whetted your appetite

I… I…she…. used "whetted" instead of "wetted". I…. okay, who slipped her a dictionary when I wasn't looking?

[identity profile] cookie-wolf.livejournal.com 2006-12-31 05:02 am (UTC)(link)
Reminds me of Anne Rice. Yet I will keep reading the damn books because I'm just dying to know what happens at the end. So basically what she's saying is that Richard or anybody isn't going to die? At all? So Olaf's there for no point? Why is there a serial killer and an assassin in there if nobody's going to DIE? Lord.

[identity profile] dracoliciousss.livejournal.com 2006-12-31 05:03 am (UTC)(link)
because she's slowly killing us, instead.

[identity profile] cookie-wolf.livejournal.com 2006-12-31 05:05 am (UTC)(link)
She IS right though. If we hate them, why do we still talk about them? Rant? Etc? My friend wonders why I read them because I rant on about how much I hate Richard so much.

[identity profile] idkmybffironman.livejournal.com 2006-12-31 05:05 am (UTC)(link)
Seriously, why is she so damned worried about the minority? If she's trying to hold out for universal popularity, she should do everyone (the .1% of us who aren't busy shoving our noses up her butt) a favor and start holding her breath now. I've never seen an author, or really ANYONE for that matter, so worried about what a small group of people think of them.

I would say she and her minions should grow up and move on, but then I wouldn't have anything to keep me entertained on a Saturday night. *snorts* Keep up the self-esteem issues, LKH!

Awesome flog, btw. I thought it would take longer for one to go up, considering the length of the entry. lol

[identity profile] delphinapterus.livejournal.com 2006-12-31 05:07 am (UTC)(link)
Bets, place your bets, what wereanimal will betray our noble couple?


I'd love to say wererat because Raphel has been building an army for a while now, but I think werewolf is move likely because of how ebil Richard is - he's going to be so shortsighted that he betrays Anita because it's for her own good.

[identity profile] thesaneminority.livejournal.com 2006-12-31 05:08 am (UTC)(link)
I got halfway through that post before the self-righteous wank overwhelmed me and I had to go running to the kitchen for the only alcohol I can legally injest. (Damn my dwindling supply of kahlua balls!)

The only thinking her books cause are one of two thoughts: either "Ooh, Jean Claude/Asher/Richard/(insert were or vamp of your choice) is so sexy! I wish I had the arduererur like Suenita! I'm going to totally ignore the fact that sleeping with a vampire is necrophilia because this smut is so damn hot!" or "... I think my brain is going to be sick now. I wonder if you can contract STDs from books?"

Also, am I just being weird and nitpicky, or are "whetted" and "wetted" incorrect? I thought "w(h)et" was both past and present tense.

[identity profile] thesaneminority.livejournal.com 2006-12-31 05:10 am (UTC)(link)
Maybe wereswans? I mean, that thing with Kaspar didn't go over so well, and the wereswan from NiC didn't seem so hot on actual unity with the other shifters. (Then again, I've been trying to forget that travesty of a book, so I don't remember the details so well.)

[identity profile] delphinapterus.livejournal.com 2006-12-31 05:11 am (UTC)(link)
I'd argue that it's sort of like Vietnam - we've invested so much in the series, especially Anita, that we don't want to get out because any day it might turn. We're down the rabbit hole and digging to the otherside is easier than climbing out.

Secondly, it's fun and a way to cope. I really used to like this series because Anita was kickass, etc. [by this point I think everybody knows the main reasons it was a good series] and to see it slowly being ruined wasn't nice, so snark because it's fun and it keeps me involved with the series so I won't miss the good bits - fewer and fewer these days.

[identity profile] delphinapterus.livejournal.com 2006-12-31 05:13 am (UTC)(link)
I'd forgotten about them, but the whole "he smells like food and I want to eat him" limo scene is coming back now.

There's always werehyenas, but Anita hasn't really slept with any of them yet.

[identity profile] deadsong.livejournal.com 2006-12-31 05:15 am (UTC)(link)
~just gapes, his jaw on the floor~ I...she...buh....

....there really are no words to describe the amount of self-aggrandizing emo-ness that just oozes from that woman's very pores.

Or maybe this will not move you, maybe you do not feel for the loneliness of the vampires that have not known love for centuries.

No, Laurell, we aren't as special as you are. We don't share your darkity dark dark vision of darkiness that lets you know the true soul of a vampire in a way that we mere mortals can only weep for and hope to aspire to!

Tch.

~flicks his fingers~ Asinine little drippy-goth wench.

[identity profile] cookie-wolf.livejournal.com 2006-12-31 05:16 am (UTC)(link)
I like the concepts. Except for the ardeur. But the tri, lycanthropes, vampires. Everything like that. I do an RP that has all that so I kinda need to keep up with the books. Oh well. Maybe Edward will save the day? Yeah, sure. Let's hope he's not one of the three characters she molests.

[identity profile] cookie-wolf.livejournal.com 2006-12-31 05:17 am (UTC)(link)
I think Rafael will. I hope he does. He's the only sane and good lycanthrope leader in that city. He's rarely in the books.

[identity profile] thesaneminority.livejournal.com 2006-12-31 05:18 am (UTC)(link)
Correct verb usage IS important, I must agree. Maybe we can overload her computer instead, and make it explode? :D

And thank you! I need to find even more Axel icons. Yours is fairly awesome itself.

"Oh, and they shower." -- AHAHAHAHAHA!!

[identity profile] klmorgan.livejournal.com 2006-12-31 05:18 am (UTC)(link)
I cheered, I LOL'd, I cried (from laughter), I give this blogflog two thumbs up, fine holiday fun. It is truly full of awesome.

Also spot fucking on.


I… I…she…. used "whetted" instead of "wetted". I…. okay, who slipped her a dictionary when I wasn't looking?

Woah. Woah.

... hey, maybe if we get her mad enough, she's start using the dictionary on a regular basis.

Also, I just wanna put out there -- yeah, belonging to a slam-blog can be seen as trivial and petty. Talking shit about a published author I've never met? Where the hell do I get off, right?

To which I respond, like the mature individual I am: she started it.

I was content to leave her books on the shelf and never look back. I didn't understand her choices and thought her a loon, but hey, some of my best friends are total loons. I didn't pitch fits.

Until her infamous "now I will shut down the Guestbook" rant appeared on Fandom Wank.

Suddenly LKH was bashing me, a reader who thought her books were full of pointless smut and meandering prose, calling me a prude and a Puritan all other kinds of fighting words. So yeah, I popped corn and pulled up a chair to watch the meltdown and trade commentary.

Lesson for LKH: if you don't want to be caught up in fights, stop picking them.

Oh, and I stopped reading your books because they were boring, you self-righteous ass. Take that and stick it in your comfort zone.

[identity profile] klmorgan.livejournal.com 2006-12-31 05:22 am (UTC)(link)
Also, am I just being weird and nitpicky, or are "whetted" and "wetted" incorrect? I thought "w(h)et" was both past and present tense.

Well, if you're weird, I'm with you, because I immediatly checked OED. ;) Which gives it the go-ahead. I think the past tense form is just awkward to voice, so it's not used often.

Seriously with the necrophilia. Woman used to bring it up all the time! But now it's noooo, twoooo luuuuuv needs no heartbeat!

[identity profile] klmorgan.livejournal.com 2006-12-31 05:25 am (UTC)(link)
Ten bucks says it's some random wereanimal she invents for that book alone -- or that was mentioned briefly and afterward forgotten once everybody went home to wash off after an orgy.

[identity profile] thesaneminority.livejournal.com 2006-12-31 05:30 am (UTC)(link)
It's not entirely LKH's fault, but she's seriously adding to my growing dislike of vampires in general. The vibe I get from her and my vampire-obsessed friend is "They're so sexy! And undead! And pale! And undead! And immortal! And undead! And they drink blood! And they're undead! And superstrong and they can fly and turn into bats and stuff! And they're undead! And they're sexy! And did I mention they're undead?! :DDD" I mean, when I watch a vampire movie or read LKH or similar novels (then again, I haven't read many vamp novels), the vampires are either evil, egotistical bastards, or misunderstood savage-yet-somehow-good-at-heart emo kids denizens of the night. And half of them are French, for crying the fuck out loud. Is Europe out of available nationalities for fictional angstbuckets or something?

I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't hate vampires. I just prefer other supernatural creatures, like werewolves. Or were-anythings. :D

[identity profile] klmorgan.livejournal.com 2006-12-31 05:36 am (UTC)(link)
Ugh. I know what you mean about tiring of vampires. (And coming from me? THAT IS SAYING A LOT. I've been in love with vampires since I was seven. Like, unhealthily so. ... well, I mean, no, not in a disturbing way, but there were a couple My Little Ponies with pointy teeth in my stable, catch me?) I remember reading a recent book where the author described a love interest as "sexy -- you know, in the way vampires are." Another had a character in head-to-toe leather, again quoting "typical vampire wear."

And I begin to choke on rising vomit. GAH.

So I've sworn on vamp novels for a while. (She says. She lies. And she still buys the Sookie Stackhouse books in paperback.) But I'd reccomend Annette Curtis Klause's Silver Kiss for emo-vamp antidote, or her Blood and Chocolate if you just want a damn good werewolf book.

[identity profile] klmorgan.livejournal.com 2006-12-31 05:39 am (UTC)(link)
Although, know what we can dock her on? You can't, technically, "feel for" lonliness. You "feel for" a particular person, but not a general emotion.

I'm going to the hell for really petty people, I can feel it.

[identity profile] thesaneminority.livejournal.com 2006-12-31 05:39 am (UTC)(link)
*gasp* Book recs! Thank you so much! I'm going to have to go to the library when I have the chance, now. Also, the image of fanged MLPs makes me giggle with glee.

[identity profile] cactus-wren.livejournal.com 2006-12-31 05:48 am (UTC)(link)
All the emo-ness aside (which is really putting a lot aside, I know), this was my favorite/most wtf part:

My characters are real to me in a way that makes me miss them. For God's sake, I'll be in the mall and see something, and go, "Oh, it's the perfect gift for (fill in the blank)." I've been in line with the present in my hand, before I go, "Wait, these are make believe people. I can't buy them a Christmas present." I guess I could, but there's no way to give it to them. They aren't THAT real. .... They aren't real, but sometimes they feel real to me. If that level of involvement with imaginary friends seems crazy to you, well, then I can't explain it.

Dear Laurell,

Seek psychiatric care immediately. PLEASE.

Me

[identity profile] klmorgan.livejournal.com 2006-12-31 05:49 am (UTC)(link)
Yay, hope you like them! Klause is technically a YA author, but she's incredible -- and you don't have to take my word for it (http://dionnegalace.com/wordpress/category/books/young-adult/).


Also, the image of fanged MLPs makes me giggle with glee.

*grins* I used to attend an after-school daycare where the counselors would plop us in front of a TV with some B- or C-grade horror movie cheaply released on VHS -- the kind the 80s produced so frequently -- whenever there were too many kids to do anything else. (Not as awful as it seems. The movies were cheesy, fairly inoffensive and gore-free, just some innuendo and language. Though I doubt they still get away with it today.)

So there were. Um. Aftershocks in terms of integrating these new stories with the rest of my G-rated existence.

[identity profile] thesaneminority.livejournal.com 2006-12-31 05:53 am (UTC)(link)
Hooray for the corruption of small children! :D

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