Blogflog: Dear Negative Reader

[pith]

This one should be subtitled "And Laurell takes the lead away from Anne in the Wank Race!" Prepare to spit fire.

Link: http://blog.laurellkhamilton.org/2006/12/dear-negative-reader.html



Dear Negative Reader

Very mature, there. Anyone who disagrees with you or isn't on your side is "negative".

I'm sure there are other books out there that will make you happier than mine. There are books with less sex in them, God knows. There are books that don't make you think that hard. Books that don't push you past that comfortable envelope of the mundane.

"Books that don't make you think that hard"? WTF? I've heard people say they "skipped all the sex scenes" and still understood LKH novels, so clearly, higher brain function is not required. (No offence meant, naturally, to you brave souls who have skipped the sex and read the rest.) "Comfortable envelope of the mundane"? LKH has said that no one will die because it will hurt her/Anita. What the hell is that if not "comfort"? Also, her books have become so repetitive that I would call them mundane, except I'm sure the dictionary (yeah, the one she apparently evicted years ago) would knock on my door, kick my ass, and replace "mundane" with "tripe".

They are books that push my character and me to the edge and beyond of our comfort zones.

So damn not true it's not funny. As I said above, there's the no-death thing. Anita and Merry get to fuck whoever they please because of the ardeur or trying to get pregnant or because it's Tuesday. These characters are not pushed anywhere, let alone to the edge of their comfort zones. It's like a really bad version of Groundhog Day, where NOTHING CHANGES.

Let this post also put to rest the idea that I don't know that a small minority, albeit a loud minority, hates my series. I've known that for awhile.

Ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, indeed.

I finally realized that I'm not going to understand this noisy, unpleasant minority of my fans. Because you are fans. Only fans would spend this much time and energy on anything. It's a strange kind of fan, a negative fan, but you spend so much time and energy hating and complaining that some part of you must love the hate and complaining.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I know I consider myself more of a walking warning. I actively discourage people from entering into LKHville at all costs.

And if you don't think you are the minority, well, sorry, guys but you are. I have the sales figures to prove it.

a) What's wrong with being a minority?
b) Sales figures are worth less than the paper they're printed on.
c) What's good doesn't always sell; what sells isn't always good.

Some people even ask for more police procedural. I want more, too

Newsflash: So do we. Oh, but wait. You can't get past the part of our criticism that says you're going downhill to realize that we actually think there's something worth following in either series. LKH has the same tunnelvision she accuses us of having.

The ardeur is a pain in my, and Anita's butt, too.

And, as lovely Jean-Claude would say, so many other places.

I've done this major metaphysical event. I won't just 'fix it' because it's hard to write around. God, knows, sometimes it is. But the arduer is moving along. I've got my fix in mind, but it's logical, not something that's merely convenient, or because some people hate it. But the arduer is not going away. If that's what you guys are wanting, then it ain't happening. Leave now, because more arduer awaits. The arduer is evolving, as are Anita's powers, but I don't see the arduer going poof.

"Evolving". You keep saying this word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

I have failed as a writer that you could kill them, and feel nothing.

I… you know, I don't think I'll say anything about this line. I will simply let it sit there in its glory, because she actually admitted a failure.

My characters are real to me in a way that makes me miss them.

Yeah, and that's fine, to a degree. BUT PEOPLE DIE. Considering the number of times she's wangsted about her grandmother and her mother and on and on, she knows. But you move on. Both of my grandfathers are dead and one of my grandmothers. Do I miss them? Horribly. But I've moved on. I realize that people are born, they live, they die. It's how it works. It's what makes vampires tragic.

Or maybe this will not move you, maybe you do not feel for the loneliness of the vampires that have not known love for centuries.

We do. Because we read lots of authors who actually deal with it. But the fact still remains that a) people die and b) characters aren't real. There are people at Lashouts who can attest to the fact that I get a bit weird about my characters. Those same people can also attest that I don't shy away from character death. People die. If you want your fictional world to feel truly real, characters have to die too.

Maybe you do not feel any of that. If you don't feel it, then I have failed you as a writer. I am sorry for that. If you do not feel the touch of my characters, the emotional pain, the emotional triumphs, then I have failed you. You should stop reading me. My writing does not weave magic for you.

This is turning into the worst Dear John letter ever. "It's not you. It's me. Oh, no, wait. It really is you. You don’t understand my vision!"

Go, and find someone who does speak to you. Someone who's characters are plot devices, so the books are neat, understandable, clinical, and utterly organized.

Oh, wait. It is us. Silly me, thinking Laurell might actually be accepting some blame!

They are big, messy books, a lot like life.

Except in real life, people die. They fall in and out of love. They move, they change jobs, they have kids.

Oh, and they shower.

I'll give you guys a few minutes to stop reading this, or to go into another room. I'll give you a few minutes, before I talk to the positive readers that are staying.

*L* Mass exodus, anyone?

here are hints about THE HARLEQUIN. First, Edward is in the book in a major way. Second, so is Olaf. Yeah, serial killer guy is back. Anita ends up feeding full blown arduer on three characters she's never been with before.

Oh joy. Run, Edward, run!

One of the wereanimal groups will betray Jean-Claude, and Anita.

Oh dear sweet gods. Please let Richard reclaim his spine, gather the wolves, and create some motherfuckin' havoc that Loki (and Samuel L. Jackson) would be proud of.

I hope it whetted your appetite

I… I…she…. used "whetted" instead of "wetted". I…. okay, who slipped her a dictionary when I wasn't looking?

Comments

[cookie-wolf.livejournal.com]

Reminds me of Anne Rice. Yet I will keep reading the damn books because I'm just dying to know what happens at the end. So basically what she's saying is that Richard or anybody isn't going to die? At all? So Olaf's there for no point? Why is there a serial killer and an assassin in there if nobody's going to DIE? Lord.

[dracoliciousss.livejournal.com]

because she's slowly killing us, instead.

[idkmybffironman.livejournal.com]

Seriously, why is she so damned worried about the minority? If she's trying to hold out for universal popularity, she should do everyone (the .1% of us who aren't busy shoving our noses up her butt) a favor and start holding her breath now. I've never seen an author, or really ANYONE for that matter, so worried about what a small group of people think of them.

I would say she and her minions should grow up and move on, but then I wouldn't have anything to keep me entertained on a Saturday night. *snorts* Keep up the self-esteem issues, LKH!

Awesome flog, btw. I thought it would take longer for one to go up, considering the length of the entry. lol

[pith]

The lady doth protest too much, wethinks ;-)

It hurt my brain. I'm fairly certain it's going to kill my inbox. But... after reading her whine, I just felt this horrible combination of nausea, outrage, and indignation.

Save us, Terry Pratchett! Save us from the filth!

[delphinapterus.livejournal.com]

Bets, place your bets, what wereanimal will betray our noble couple?


I'd love to say wererat because Raphel has been building an army for a while now, but I think werewolf is move likely because of how ebil Richard is - he's going to be so shortsighted that he betrays Anita because it's for her own good.

[thesaneminority.livejournal.com]

Maybe wereswans? I mean, that thing with Kaspar didn't go over so well, and the wereswan from NiC didn't seem so hot on actual unity with the other shifters. (Then again, I've been trying to forget that travesty of a book, so I don't remember the details so well.)

[thesaneminority.livejournal.com]

I got halfway through that post before the self-righteous wank overwhelmed me and I had to go running to the kitchen for the only alcohol I can legally injest. (Damn my dwindling supply of kahlua balls!)

The only thinking her books cause are one of two thoughts: either "Ooh, Jean Claude/Asher/Richard/(insert were or vamp of your choice) is so sexy! I wish I had the arduererur like Suenita! I'm going to totally ignore the fact that sleeping with a vampire is necrophilia because this smut is so damn hot!" or "... I think my brain is going to be sick now. I wonder if you can contract STDs from books?"

Also, am I just being weird and nitpicky, or are "whetted" and "wetted" incorrect? I thought "w(h)et" was both past and present tense.

[pith]

am I just being weird and nitpicky, or are "whetted" and "wetted" incorrect? I thought "w(h)et" was both past and present tense.

Off the top of my head, I have to think about it. *L* My brain is weeping from having to read so much crap and trying to make sense of it.

Frankly, I'm impressed she used the right verb. Let's work on getting the verb right, and then how to work with the tenses. We don't want to overload her brain. (Oh wait. We do! *eg*)

BTW, I love your icon.

[deadsong.livejournal.com]

~just gapes, his jaw on the floor~ I...she...buh....

....there really are no words to describe the amount of self-aggrandizing emo-ness that just oozes from that woman's very pores.

Or maybe this will not move you, maybe you do not feel for the loneliness of the vampires that have not known love for centuries.

No, Laurell, we aren't as special as you are. We don't share your darkity dark dark vision of darkiness that lets you know the true soul of a vampire in a way that we mere mortals can only weep for and hope to aspire to!

Tch.

~flicks his fingers~ Asinine little drippy-goth wench.

[dracoliciousss.livejournal.com]

Asinine little drippy-goth wench might be my new favorite phrase.

"Oh, and they shower." -- AHAHAHAHAHA!!

[klmorgan.livejournal.com]

I cheered, I LOL'd, I cried (from laughter), I give this blogflog two thumbs up, fine holiday fun. It is truly full of awesome.

Also spot fucking on.


I… I…she…. used "whetted" instead of "wetted". I…. okay, who slipped her a dictionary when I wasn't looking?

Woah. Woah.

... hey, maybe if we get her mad enough, she's start using the dictionary on a regular basis.

Also, I just wanna put out there -- yeah, belonging to a slam-blog can be seen as trivial and petty. Talking shit about a published author I've never met? Where the hell do I get off, right?

To which I respond, like the mature individual I am: she started it.

I was content to leave her books on the shelf and never look back. I didn't understand her choices and thought her a loon, but hey, some of my best friends are total loons. I didn't pitch fits.

Until her infamous "now I will shut down the Guestbook" rant appeared on Fandom Wank.

Suddenly LKH was bashing me, a reader who thought her books were full of pointless smut and meandering prose, calling me a prude and a Puritan all other kinds of fighting words. So yeah, I popped corn and pulled up a chair to watch the meltdown and trade commentary.

Lesson for LKH: if you don't want to be caught up in fights, stop picking them.

Oh, and I stopped reading your books because they were boring, you self-righteous ass. Take that and stick it in your comfort zone.

Re: "Oh, and they shower." -- AHAHAHAHAHA!!

[salveo-opes.livejournal.com]

Nicely said!

[cactus-wren.livejournal.com]

All the emo-ness aside (which is really putting a lot aside, I know), this was my favorite/most wtf part:

My characters are real to me in a way that makes me miss them. For God's sake, I'll be in the mall and see something, and go, "Oh, it's the perfect gift for (fill in the blank)." I've been in line with the present in my hand, before I go, "Wait, these are make believe people. I can't buy them a Christmas present." I guess I could, but there's no way to give it to them. They aren't THAT real. .... They aren't real, but sometimes they feel real to me. If that level of involvement with imaginary friends seems crazy to you, well, then I can't explain it.

Dear Laurell,

Seek psychiatric care immediately. PLEASE.

Me

[salveo-opes.livejournal.com]

Three characters Anita hasn't been with brings to mind Edward, Olaf and...?

Are there actually any characters left which would make three?

[acostilow.livejournal.com]

She hasn't slept with the hyena leader yet.

Is s/he still pregnant?

[world-of-eos.livejournal.com]

Oh, my god. Oh, my dear, sweet, spell-checking god. I think I might have peed myself from laughing so hard but the oxygen deprivation is making my head all tingly and it's difficult to tell!

[primavera.livejournal.com]

You peed on your head?

[tsula.livejournal.com]

see her refusal to kill characters just floors me. And if someone says, "thin the herd" she's all like "you hate mes! WAH!"... I just don't understand.

Character death can actually further a character and give them depth. Many of my most beloved characters from various books/comics/movies have DIED, it made their "life" all that more vibrant and added a poignancy to their memory. It also forced the other characters to face certain truths either about life, themselves, or the world... they grew in depth, and the story grew in depth all by taking away one ficticious life.

As a writer who likes to push the envelope on her own comfort zones, you'd think she'd have the gusto to face that one personal squick factor she has in Character Death. Or at least have the presence of mind to know that when someone says "thin the herd" that it's not meant to be cold-hearted, but as a means to truly make these tragic, tragic character that are oh so tragic and REAL actually come off as TRAGIC and REAL by throwing their mortality into the faces of the readers as well as the other characters involved.

Wow, that was a run-on of a run-on for that last sentence.

[salveo-opes.livejournal.com]

But you don't understand! Poignancy is a big word and is rhymes with pregnancy and Lanita can't have that! It's Merryta's plot device!

[dracoliciousss.livejournal.com]

My response:

To LKH and associates:

We, the unsilent minority, are tired of you attempting to use us to bolster your sales. No one is forcing you to read our criticisms, and just as you are entitled to the opinion that your characters are real, we are entitled to our opinion that your characters are not. We do not pretend we're going to run into Asher at the grocery store, nor do we wax poetic about what it would be like to find a man like Micah, the most linearly drawn and boring character in all of supernatural fiction. We gather together, online or in person, to discuss your work because it amuses us, and the snark acts as an anesthetic to our disappointment.

True, your sales are higher than ever before, but let me remind you, millions of people bought pet rocks in the '70s. The only explanation is that cheese sells, sometimes. I'll let you in on a little secret: the .1% that you are complaining about have been your most loyal supporters. We challenge you, and are unwilling to accept poorly edited texts and plot points. We know you are capable of better, and we hate to see a once-talented writer, who built a universe that we all care about, ruin her life's work in an attempt to indulge fantasies and placate the sex-starved masses. We will be here long after the posers who love your recent books are gone, and we will continue to discuss, rant, rave, and snark about them. Because you need us, like it or not.

Sincerely,
Dray, who has snarked you inside out.

[oohasparklie.livejournal.com]

This is just gorgeous.

[mariakatarina.livejournal.com]

To Laurell,

We snark because we once cared. Some of us hold onto that fragile hope that you will revert the series to its former glory by going back to some of the old solid ideas that hooked us in the first place.

Your books have lost their edge because you have lost your nerve in killing characters off. It used to be about blood, gore, getting the bad guy. You, unfortunately, wussed out.

We will continue to snark because we CHOOSE to (Note the spelling, because you screw that word up enough times to make Webster roll over in his grave). Our autonomy (y'know.. that thing like free will that you stripped most of your characters of when you introduced the arduer?) allows us this. You cannot decide what we do or do not do with our time. This is the double-edged sword of publishing your work to the masses.

PS: most of your chars are gay. Let them actually enjoy their sexuality outside of Anita.

Sincerely, a former fan.

Anyway. WTF emo pretentiousness.

I am entirely frightened by the idea of Edward and Olaf coming back? And OMG betrayal. Wanna bet Merita will save the day with her crotch?

[knomey.livejournal.com]

We finally get to talk to Edward about his domestic arrangements in more detail. Is he, or isn't he? Will he, or won't he? Should he?

I think I might hold a memorial for Edward's balls, after the next book.

[fashi0n-mistake.livejournal.com]

I think I might join you.

[oohasparklie.livejournal.com]

There are books that don't make you think that hard. Books that don't push you past that comfortable envelope of the mundane.

This literally made my jaw drop. She's acting like she's writing the greatest series of books in human literature. She's so far outside the realm of reality it's kind of ridiculous.

I actually have stopped reading the books. I stay in this community because it's fun to see other sane people boggle at her bullshit. And this would be a prime example.

[catskin.livejournal.com]

When great changes occur in history, when great principles are involved, as a rule the majority are wrong. The minority are right. - Eugene V. Debs

There are so many things about this blog I find offensive, I don't know where to start.

I'm sure there are other books out there that will make you happier than mine. There are books with less sex in them, God knows. There are books that don't make you think that hard.

LKH's books have never made me think hard. I started reading them because I saw a flawed but likeable heroine who stood up for herself and existed in a world full of vampires and werewolves, which I loved. I wasn't after philosophy - I read Plato for that. I was after entertainment. And entertainment shouldn't hurt my brain. LKH's books now do.

I also dislike the implication that anything else I as a "negative reader" choose to read is pap and fluff.

Or maybe this will not move you, maybe you do not feel for the loneliness of the vampires that have not known love for centuries.

Maybe that's because I know vampires aren't real. As much as I want to be immersed in a world and its characters when I read, I can't really get too emo over the fact that fictional creatures don't get enough wuv.

Or maybe, as is implied, I'm an emotionally disfunctional fuckwit for not being moved.

If you do not feel the touch of my characters, the emotional pain, the emotional triumphs, then I have failed you.

As a writer, I want readers to get involved with my stories and characters. I want them to enjoy what I write and feel emotionally attached to my characters. I think all writers do. There's nothing wrong with that.

But as a relatively normal human being, I accept that shit happens in real life, and it should be reflected in fiction. People die. Not everyone gets a happy ending and some people don't find Anita other people attractive. If I want people to believe in my writing, I have to make it realistic in certain respects.

Since Laurell is clearly incapable of this, why should I worry about her characters' emotional pain? Nobody's ever going to suffer unduly and Anita will always pull a new trick out of her crotch hat to save everyone, so why should I care? Where's the suspense?

Go, and find someone who does speak to you. Someone who's characters are plot devices, so the books are neat, understandable, clinical, and utterly organized.

Excuse me while I take offence on the part of every writer in the world.

[pandaemonaeum.livejournal.com]

Anita ends up feeding full blown arduer on three characters she's never been with before

She was doing so well with the plot for the next book until this bit. I don't care about the ar-fucking-deur, I want my plots back!

[randomsome1.livejournal.com]

So who's taking bets on what crit she ran into? Amazon.com? Here? The very determined few on her message boards?

[thekiwiwhoflew.livejournal.com]

Amazon, I'm sure of it.

[dan-lian.livejournal.com]

God... I read this, and I just want to shove another author and show "Look! Fantasy world, pain, trauma, treachery, mass amounts of character death, and who takes a long time to write, but has a dedicated following who waits, when he has to split books in half." -- George RR Martin is who I'm thinking of. That man does not hesitate to whack a character for plot, there *is* plot (even if it sometimes is very hard to follow), and they are in no way neat and clinical. Because your characters have messy sex does not mean that you are the best author evah.

I started reading her because I thought Anita was neat--this zombie-raising chick who was Catholic but had managed to figure out how to do her job in the face of her religion, was struggling against being a monster when she dealt with them every day... And now we have the sex-crazed fuckbunny that is going to eventually trash Belle Morte and somehow LKH will merge the Merryverse in and Anita will become the Queen of Death and Drama.

[summersdream.livejournal.com]

After too much of LKH and other such 'authors', a friend recommended Martin's series and it saved my love of books. It's the perfect antidote- sex that is part of the plot, and no on is safe from Death and Suffering. I never thought I'd be so glad to have an author kill off a favorite character just because it was so refreshing that it could happen. I'd wait for as long as LKH needed to come up with a decent Merry or Anita book. But no, she just keeps churning out those... rectangular objects she refers to as books.

Belle Morte=Andais, non? It's really all the same series now, just different names. And that is sad.

[dinsedaledarby.livejournal.com]

If Anita has sex with Edward, My brain would explode and that would be the end. I would never, never read the series again for sure.

[ellenel13.livejournal.com]

I specifically remember Anita saying that Edward didn't find her attractive or viceversa in the first book. Of course, that was before the ardeur. See, I spelled it right. I think.

[witchwillow.livejournal.com]

A few days ago Jim Butcher (God bless his soul) posted some negative, extremly not constructive reviews he'd gotten on Amazon to his LJ. There was an out pouring of support for him. It continues still.

I say this and Darla's 'Go away' are because someone mentioned it to LKH that someone in her field has devoted readers who were comparing the idiots complaining about Jim Butcher's books (mostly without reading them or having lovely summaries as we do here) to LKH rabid fangirls.

If Jim starts saying someone keeps calling his house and hanging up - I think my theory will be proven correct and it'll be Darla 'Being a mean h8ter' (in training)

PS

[witchwillow.livejournal.com]

On the other hand, maybe she saw all the bad reviews for Eragon and realized that what sells can be ridiculed quicker than slick spit.

[troubleinchina.livejournal.com]

I totally want to do a dramatic reading of this post, with punctuation. I think I would sob dramatically at the pain of unloved vampires.

[thekiwiwhoflew.livejournal.com]

Linkin Park's "Crawling" should be playing in the background.

[allsunday.livejournal.com]

Go, and find someone who does speak to you. Someone who's characters are plot devices...

I think you meant "whose," Laurell, dear. I was under the impression you're supposed to be a writer.

I… I…she…. used "whetted" instead of "wetted". I…. okay, who slipped her a dictionary when I wasn't looking?

Not that it matters much. Obviously, it didn't help her much with "whose," and that's really not that far away from "whetted".

[corbeau.livejournal.com]

Edward, Olaf, and she said the Church will be back, right? She hasn't screwed Malcolm yet, has she? Edward, Olaf, and Malcolm. Ugh. After reading this - It would take a lot of promotion and good reviews for me to read another of her books.

[found-then-lost.livejournal.com]

When I heard about her not killing another character off, I almost laughed at her stupidity.

Without the thought that one of the main characters could die, where's the tension. All these difficult and tough situations which were life or death are now ruined, because we know it isn't life or death, it's just life or sex.

And yeah, we were fans of her books. Good fans, which is why we were amazing pissed when she went on downhill.

And oh god, I bet if Anita even makes a pass at Edward her series is ruined.

I doubt there is any worries of her sleeping with Olaf. Not enough hair.

[ellenel13.livejournal.com]

Anita will not make a pass at him. The ardeur will ensnare him so Anita is absolved from the responsibility of screwing him.

[mneiai.livejournal.com]

OMG, if Richard betrayed them I'd actually consider spending money on that book. Of course, he'll probably fail at whatever he had planned and have to come crawling back, saved from himself through the wonderful grace of Anita and Diety ::sigh::

Good flog ^.^