The Harlequin snark~

[sharkbytes.livejournal.com]

Hello, lashers!!  First, I'd like to apologize for the length of time it's taken for me to get this up--I really do put a lot of time and effort into these, and I didn't want to post a half-hearted attempt.  But here we have chapters 38-40 of The Harlequin, snarked and ready for your claws!  I've seen a lot of new people around here lately, so if you'd like to read the previous chapters (or the Danse Macabre snark) simply click on the tags below.  As always, LKH direct quotes are in bold face, my commentary in regular font.  

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

 

Last time we checked in on Anita and the gang, Joseph was visiting Anita's hospital room to beg her forgiveness, and received a thorough browbeating for his trouble. During the conversation, Haven (or Cookie Monster, as Anita frequently refers to him) arrives, because Asher was a very sneaky vampire and called Augustine in Chicago.

 

Wicked and Truth are still in the room, and they both grab hold of Joseph's arms when Haven enters. Haven reminds Wicked and Truth that holding Joseph down for him is against the rules, and Joseph points out that he defeated Haven the last time they had an altercation. There's a bit of posturing back and forth, as both men try to convince themselves that they'd emerge the victor in a fight.

 

Anita and Haven eyeball each other, and naturally Anita feels something "stir" inside of her, and she gets a whiff of lion. Haven mentions that he's trying to be on his best behavior, but that it will be difficult if she goes "all lioness." Anita appreciates the effort, and we get a handy infodump about Anita's lion-powers and how "the power was seeking...a Rex to [her] Regina." Because she's Qu33n of the Lie-yawns. Truth tells Anita to hold Haven's hand, and even though she thinks it's a dumb idea, she does so.

 

Finally, Haven mentions the reason for his visit. Upon his return to St. Louis, he met with Micah, Richard, the werehyenas and the wererats regarding Joseph's position in the Coalition. Basically, for anyone who missed the last recap, back when Jean-Claude and Richard were both dying, Anita sounded the alarm, asking any of the Kings/Leaders of animal packs to have sex with her in order to keep Jean-Claude and Richard alive. As a married man, Joseph refused to break his vows and in doing so earned the wrath of Anita. As a result, Jean-Claude removed his protection and Micah kicked him out of the Coalition. In addition, Asher acted as Master of the City while Jean-Claude was out of commission, and he called Augustine in Chicago for backup and lions, which put Joseph's pride at risk for a takeover. Truth comments that it was nice of Haven to check with everyone first. Haven claims he's comfortable "doing what needs doing," and that he's making sure Anita is on board with the idea before going ahead with it. 

 

Joseph begs Anita to reconsider, and she tells him that the Coalition no longer trusts him, and neither does she. However, she does tell Haven to allow some of Joseph's younger lions the opportunity to join him. Her reasoning is that some of the younger lions have jobs, and "bring income into the pride so that others don't have to work." Haven tells Anita that money won't be an issue, since Augustine decided to bankroll them "until things got up and running." That statement reminds Anita where most of Augustine's money comes from, and she tells Haven that she "can't let [him] bring new mob connections to St. Louis." They agree to let Jean-Claude and Augustine hash out the details of that particular agreement. Just an aside, but after it was revealed in Danse Macabre that Augustine is, at the very least, bisexual, whenever I see his name, I automatically refer to him as Abe Froman, Sausage King of Chicago. I could totally see Jean-Claude and Auggie at Chez Quis, discussing the mob-money agreement while a snooty maitre'd looks on in disbelief.

 

Haven tells Anita that although he's aware of her situation, he isn't willing to share her with another lion. She reminds him that she needs more than one lover for each of her beasts, and that he can't be with her all the time. She also tells him that when Micah became her Nimir-Raj, Nathaniel came as her "leopard to call," and that she isn't sure if that will happen with "all [her] animals." And once again , LKH forgets her own canon. Nathaniel didn't become Anita's animal to call when she and Micah became Nimirs Raj and Ra; it happened because, somehow lightning struck, and the power of orgasms aligned the planets and accidentally created a sad little triumvirate with Anita, Nathaniel, and Damian.

 

Haven is confused, because he thought that Anita only slept with one wolf (Richard) but Graham helpfully chimes in that she "sees a lot of Jason" as well. Graham, Wicked, and Truth bicker a bit about why Anita is having sex with Jason, and why she got a leopard to call instead of a wolf, when finally Haven silences them by telling Joseph to go to his pride and tell them that he's failed. He promises Joseph that he will be safe for just the night, and Joseph looks to Anita and tells her that she will "make him [her] Rex." He asks Haven if he's "prepared to do what the Nimir-Raj and the Ulfric do." Haven isn't sure what he means by that, and Joseph tells him that they have to have sex with Jean-Claude, or Anita. Hee! Anita muses that it's funny how "some rumors never die, no matter how many times you try to kill them."

 

Joseph moves toward the door, telling Anita that she's condemned him "to death." Anita shrugs this off, and thinks to herself that "it wasn't just the sex," but also the fact that there weren't any lions in Joseph's pride that were "good enough to be a bodyguard." I find it funny that Anita scoffs at the "rumor" that everyone has to have sex with either herself or Jean-Claude, and yet only moments later she condemns any shapeshifter that isn't willing to either fuck her or die for her.

 

 

Wicked walks Joseph out, and is seen whispering something to him. Apparently, Wicked wasn't too pleased about the "mean things" Joseph was saying about his masters, and so he told Joseph that even though Haven promised him an evening of safety, he'd "just do him tonight" if he kept it up. Haven insists that the fight belongs to him, and Wicked tells him that he didn't threaten to kill Joseph, but rape him. That's...really special. Upon hearing this, the only thing that concerns Anita is that Wicked "[doesn't] like guys."  I really can't believe that there's anyone in the world with such a naive view of rape. Even if LKH hadn't researched it, you'd think she'd at least have seen an episode of Law and Order: SVU at some point.  Wicked tells her that she has no idea what he likes, but that "Joseph would believe anything of Jean-Claude's people, even male-on-male rape." Of course he would; the sick son of a bitch believes in his marriage vows, he's capable of anything!

 

Wicked, Truth, Graham, and Haven discuss the "rumor" that no one "gets to join Jean-Claude's kiss" without fucking either Anita or Jean-Claude himself. They gossip amongst themselves for a bit, making sure to continually compliment Anita on her allure as a woman.  I swear, her ego is so fragile, the thought of anyone not being completely enthralled by her practically has her changing into a dragon like Maleficent. They mention her small hands and how she is "delicate and dangerous." *eyeroll* Having small hands doesn't make you "dangerous." I have small hands, and all it means is that I have to buy child-sized tennis gloves. 

 

This discussion of the wonder that is Anita inspires Haven to make a speech.  He starts off by saying that he's "not a complicated guy." He likes being a tough guy, and that his hobbies include "drinking with the guys, a little poker, and strip clubs, fucking." I think I've seen that exact profile on myspace, bad grammar and all, along with a request for "n00dz." He claims it was "a good life," until he went back to Chicago after having met Anita back in Danse Macabre. After that, he started looking at his extra-curricular activities in a new light, wondering if Anita would approve of them. He goes on and on about how he knows that "women are just for fucking" and that they "don't count" in his Good Time 1950s Gangsta world, and yet just meeting Anita was enough to make him yearn for a relationship. 

Really, I marvel at LKH's craftsmanship. I don't think she could have crammed more male chauvinist stereotypes into the character of Haven if she tried. Short of having him run around wearing a beer helmet, that is.

 

Anita is silent through most of this ridiculous speech, and tells Haven: "I didn't make you rethink your life." He argues that she did, and that she "mind-fucked [him] just like Belle Morte does."  Wicked pipes in, and tells Haven that his reaction has nothing to do with "vampire powers." Instead, he sadly tells Haven, "you're in love with the woman." Ah, there it is! I was wondering why Wicked, Truth, and Graham were still in the room. Obviously, LKH needed someone other than Anita to clue Haven in to the fact that he, like so many before him, has fallen in love.  I checked the schedule, and this is right on time as usual. 

 

Finally, Anita tells Haven that she appreciates "all the honesty," but she hasn't said that she'd "make [him] one of [her] boyfriends." She goes on to say that she likes her life the way it is right now, and that she's been trying to "thin down" the number of men in her life.  Um yeah, she's going to need to trim just a bit more fat for that to happen.  Naturally, Haven is a bit miffed that his poetic declaration of love didn't cause imaginary music to swell while Anita ran into his Sesame-Street-tattooed arms. The nerve of her! Next thing you know, she'll be wanting the vote.

 

However, Anita does admit that she occasionally thought about Haven while he was back in Chicago, and that she "wanted to be naked with [him]" and to "do all the things you do when the clothes come off." But she is hesitant to make any sort of verbal commitment to him, because she's scared that he will "fuck up [her] life." Haven reminds her that once he takes over the St. Louis pride, he won't be going back to Chicago and she won't have much of a choice. And, as is becoming the norm in the Anitaverse, the discussion is interrupted when someone enters the room. It's Dolph, and he orders everyone out of the room. Behind him are Edward and Olaf, who are allowed to stay for some reason.

 

 

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

 

Instead of picking up right where the last chapter left off, LKH switches gears to tell us that the doctor has seen Anita, and told her that she could go. She's instructed to exercise to make sure the scar tissue doesn't harden. Considering she had her intestines hanging out of her, I expected the after-care instructions to be a bit more detailed, but Anita's magick shapeshifting-but-not-quite abilities have healed her injuries at a remarkably quick rate. Also, I had completely forgotten they were still in a hospital room. In the interests of being thorough, I went back and checked, and the last SEVEN chapters have been nothing but dialogue that occured while Anita was hanging around the hospital while her wounds healed. Every conceivable shapeshifter and peripheral character has paraded through Anita's supposedly-guarded door to dispense justice and advice to the lovelorn.

 

I guess we'll never know what Dolph wanted, because Anita has already left her hospital room, flanked by Edward and Olaf, and is headed towards Peter's room. Anita is annoyed that she's wearing an outfit similar to the one worn by Olaf.  I'm not kidding.  Edward opted for a white button-down, cowboy boots, and some jeans, while Olaf chose the "Goth assassin" look. The symbolism is just so rife, I can hardly take it. 

Anita's outfit consists of tight black jeans, lace-up boots, and a scoop-necked T-shirt worn with a push-up bra that ensured there was "plenty of scoop to show." I get that she was trying to be cute with her phrasing here, but that statement really doesn't make sense. Scoop-neck refers to the shape of the neckline, not the part of the body it reveals.  At any rate, she concludes that Nathaniel must have brought the outfit because not only did the bra match the panties, but also because the panties "were perfect for the lower waistline of the jeans." The description of outfits and weapon-holders goes on for the rest of the page, but I'm going to leave it at that because honestly, who gives a shit.

 

Anita feels Olaf looking at her, and tells him to stop. He gestures toward her breasts and tells her that "every man who sees [her] tonight" will be looking at her, to which Anita blushes furiously and grits her teeth. She whines that Nathaniel picked out her clothes, but he tells her not to bother blaming Nathaniel since she was the one who bought them in the first place.  Most people would sit on down after getting owned like that, but Anita continues arguing, saying that these were "date clothes." The thought of vampire-hunting in "date clothes" sends Olaf into paroxysms of glee, and Edward quickly pulls Anita aside and quietly tells her that while she was unconscious, Olaf came in the room and touched her wounds.

 

The thought of Olaf touching "that bulge of intestine the way a man touches a breast" freaks Anita out, and as they near the end of the hallway, Micah walks over and hugs Anita tightly. She holds on to him "like he was the last solid thing in the world," and Nathaniel and Cherry come over to join the hug. They ask her why she's so freaked out, but she still isn't able to answer them coherently. In the meanwhile, Edward has left the room to talk with Olaf, leaving the rest of the group in Peter's room.

 

Micah hugs Anita once more, and gives her a "gentle" kiss. She claims that "if Peter hadn't been watching," she would have "made it more," but he was so she didn't. Nathaniel also gives Anita "one of the most delicate, gentlemanly kisses," and she turns her head to deepen the kiss but he turns away. Anita gives him "puzzled eyes" and Nathaniel gestures towards Peter, and finally Anita realizes that there was "something about Peter watching" that made "Nathaniel behave himself." Got that? Micah kisses her, and Anita pulls back because Peter is watching. One second later, Nathaniel kisses her gently, and Anita doesn't understand why he didn't kiss her more deeply until he gestures towards Peter. This all takes place in the SAME PARAGRAPH. Not only did the train of thought here derail a couple of miles back, but someone hit the ejector and blew the whole track to pieces.

 

After that fun foray into the world of mutliple personalities, Anita takes a look at Nathaniel's outfit, and realizes he, too, was dressed similarly to her. She grumbles that they looked like they should "be going clubbing," and silently bemoans the fact that she can't complain about the clothes Nathaniel brought her since he was wearing the same thing. Okay, seriously? This is a matter of primary importance? Anita is in the hospital after ~magickally~ recovering from a life-threatening wound. One of her guards is dead, they have a vampire to kill, and a teenage mercenary with daddy issues is hooked up to "tubes and monitors." Naturally, this is the perfect time to compile a list of fashion do's and don'ts for the sartorially challenged. It would almost be funny, if it weren't so transparent that LKH was simply searching for a way to make her heroine look like a ~dark and dangerous~ fashion plate while simultaneously allowing her to retain her tough-chick 'I don't care about clothes' attitude.

 

Anyway, Peter is still in his hospital bed with a bird's-eye view of all this ridiculousness. 

 

CHAPTER FORTY

 

Anita greets Peter, and she notices that he's staring at the ceiling. Naturally, she assumes that he's trying "not to stare at [her] chest." Yeah, okay.  I'm so sure Peter has his mind on hunting for a cougar like Anita while he's trying to recover from his injuries.  She admits to herself that Olaf may have been right about men staring at her, and makes up her mind to have a chat with Nathaniel about what sort of clothes to pack for the next time. Anita has a realization that unless she makes some changes to her life, there will most certainly be a next time. She's sitting there contemplating whether or not she should continue to hunt vampires, when Peter interrupts her thoughts.

 

She tells him what she was thinking, and the two discuss what it feels like to wake up in a hospital and discover new scars on your body. Peter asks Anita about her various war wounds, and she shows him a few of them and explains who/what caused them. Up until now, Anita's only scars from a shapeshifter were the claw marks that Gabriel left on her ass, which she isn't willing to show Peter. So when he asks, she shows him the newest scars on her stomach. He stares, and begins to feel inadequate that Anita was able to heal so quickly while he's still in rough shape.

 

Anita and Peter have an extremely long, drawn-out conversation which would take entirely too long to transcribe. So, in short form, these are the topics they covered.

-The Lycanthropy Vaccine: Ah yes, the plot LKH shamelessly stole from the X-Men: The Last Stand movie. Peter is ambivalent about receiving the anti-lycanthropy vaccination, because there isn't any way to know whether he has it or not before he gets the shot. If he didn't have it in the first place, the vaccination would needlessly infect him.

-Healing Abilities: Anita reassures Peter that she only heals quickly because she's a "medical miracle" and carries lycanthropy without actually being a shapeshifter. She actually uses the term "medical miracle," at which point I began to cackle and hum the theme from The Prince of Egypt.

-Cisco: a.k.a. the first character to die since that poor sap Philip. Peter is understandably upset because Cisco was a brave little soldier and died to protect both him and Anita. Cue the sniffles. I'm so moved. I haven't been this emotional since 1994, when Jordan and Angela drove off into the night, while Brian Krakow stood silently in the shadows. (Feel free to hand me a sarcasm mop, because I am just dripping all over the place)

-Being A Shapeshifter: Peter has been talking to Micah and Nathaniel about the pros and cons of being a shapeshifter. Apparently, they gave him a bunch of statistics and the sort of information that sounds like it should be on a pamphlet at the free clinic. Hasn't the poor kid been through enough? Cousin Itt and the little gnome would be my last choices for a heart-to-heart chat about lycanthropy.

 

Finally, Peter admits that he's been afraid of shapeshifters since he was a kid, and Anita remembers that Peter's father died right in front of him when he was attacked by one. This prompts her to tell the sad tale of her own mother's death. They bond over each other's sob stories, and reassure each other. Peter decides not to get the vaccine, because he doesn't want to let his fear of shapeshifters override his judgment. They talk about being able to find balance, and Peter gets emotional and asks Anita to leave, not wanting her to see him cry.

 

Anita joins the gang in the hallway, fighting the urge to cry. Because she's like John Wayne, damn it. She tells everyone that she won't cry until Mercia is dead, and Zerbrowski (who had been making his way down the hall) jokes that she shouldn't talk about killing people in front of a cop. Anita sees him and has the urge to give him a hug, but thankfully she resists. Nathaniel and Micah hug Anita again, and Zerbrowski comments that his wife is "too cool" to do that sort of thing in public. He asks if it's a shapeshifter thing to be so open in public, and Anita agrees that it must be. Zerbrowski chuckles and remarks that it must have been a huge adjustment for Anita, because she used to "stuff [her] emotions" like a cop.

 

While Anita was busy conversing with everyone in the St. Louis area from her hospital bed, Edward had given the police an edited version of what happened. They were told that Anita was injured because she saved Peter, and not the other way around. He didn't have time to tell Anita the "official" version, and so she has to keep a straight face while Zerbrowski is talking. Micah covers it up, telling Zerbrowski that Anita "blames herself because she was already hunting the vampires. She thinks they might not have reacted so violently if they hadn't known she was on their trail." This brings up a discussion about the fairness of vampire execution warrants, with Anita questioning whether or not the system they have is really the best option.  Zerbrowski agrees that this isn't the first time "the bad vampires" are framing "the good vampires," and tells Anita that a lot of cops think that her relationships with vampires and shapeshifters cloud her vision when it comes to her job.  But he kindly tells her that she's a good cop because she views them as "legal citizens" the way the law intends. Except that she's not a cop, but whatever.

 

She hears her cell phone ringing, which Micah brought along with him. Anita claims that Nathaniel had set her ring tone to Duran Duran's "Wild Boys" when she said she didn't care what the ringer was. She then insists that she'd "remember to care next time."

Every single time Anita reveals something about her life that would make her seem like less of a badass, she blames Nathaniel for picking it out. Her clothes, her ringtone, the new kitchen utensils in her house. We GET IT, Laurell. Anita exists on a plane of enlightenment that the minor details of life can never hope to reach. She must rely on the expertise of Nathaniel to provide her with inappropriate clothing and '80's pop nostalgia, and so of course it isn't her fault when he occasionally missteps. I wish I could smack her with a sequined glove and demand satisfaction for daring to insult the awesomeness that is "Wild Boys."

 

Anyway, the person on the phone doesn't identify himself, but it becomes clear that Avery Seabrook is unknowingly giving the message for Malcolm, who mind-rolled him into doing so. Since Avery is the only vampire from the Church who is oathed to Jean-Claude, it works. Basically, the Harlequin are at the Church of Eternal Life, and are threatening to either blood-oath the congregation, or face Malcolm in a battle of "vampire powers." Malcolm/Avery begs Anita to have Jean-Claude blood-oath the vampires first, or to have Jean-Claude duel with them for the right to do so.

 

The phone is taken away by one of the Harlequin, named Giovanni, and he asks who he is speaking to. Anita introduces herself as "Federal Marshal Anita Blake." Giovanni knows her as Jean-Claude's human servant, and he insists that he is abiding by all laws. With a purposely fake-sounding voice, he tells Anita that he and Columbine had nothing to do with what Nivia and Soledad, her weretiger, did earlier. Since Nivia is dead, there isn't any way to prove his statement, and he smugly continues that if she uses her warrant on him or Columbine, she would be guilty of murder. Earlier in the novel, Columbine's name was Mercia. I don't know if she has some sort of super-secret Harlequin identity, because it's never explained. From this point on in the book, Mercia is referred to as Columbine.

 

Anita tells Giovanni that Malcolm's vampires belong to Jean-Claude, and that he would have to "defeat the master that owns them" before doing anything. Giovanni tells her that he and his mistress are "not attacking as Harlequin," instead, Columbine wishes "to have her own lands in this new country." Anita argues that the Harlequin aren't supposed to have any "territory of their own" because they're meant to be neutral, and Giovanni says that he and his mistress are tired of the "wandering life." He goes on to say that they will try their powers "against each vampire" in the Church, and the ones that "cannot withstand" it will be blood-oathed to Columbine. Anita whines that he isn't following the rules, and he tells her to 'think of it as the beginning of the duel" between Jean-Claude and Columbine, and hangs up on her. *golf claps* Well played, Giovanni. 

 

While Anita was chatting with Giovanni, Nathaniel was busy distracting Zerbrowski, while Micah called Jean-Claude. He hands the phone to Anita, and she promises Jean-Claude she'll get to the church with Edward and Olaf, but she's unsure whether or not to bring "human police." Jean-Claude decides to trust her judgment on the matter of the police, and agrees to assemble the wereanimals.

 

After the phone call, Anita starts to panic. Her pulse begins to beat rapidly, and she is convinced that no matter what she does, everyone will die. She starts babbling to Micah, saying that if she brings the cops, they'll probably die, but if she doesn't, her friends might die as well. Micah tells her to start shielding her emotions, because she usually isn't plagued with this sort of self-doubt. Anita remembers that Columbine/Mercia's power feeds off of doubt, and intensifies the emotion "until you almost couldn't stand it." Wearing a holy item doesn't do anything to protect you from it, because as Nathaniel points out, Mercia doesn't put power into anyone, she just intensifies what the person is already feeling.

 

Micah tells Anita that she has to decide whether she needs the police as backup, or if she needs Jean-Claude's vampires and the shapeshifters. She still can't make a decision, and Nathaniel runs over and grabs her. He holds her tightly, saying that he can feel how Mercia is "shoving doubt" into her. Anita starts to feel "a certainty built of unshakeable faith," and realizes that Nathaniel believes in her "utterly and completely."  He has no doubt whatsoever that Anita will "punish the bad and save the good," and she realizes that Nathaniel's faith "isn't in God" but in her. She thanks him and kisses him "because no one else could make [her] believe in [herself]." I'm amazed that LKH didn't have rainbows appear in the sky, with unicorns prancing in the distance.  Honestly, how twee to have Nathaniel's hero-worship be the key to disarming Mercia's power.   It would have been far more amusing to discover that what Nathaniel really believed in was the tooth fairy.  The gang gets ready to head over to the Church for the showdown, and the chapter ends.