Micah, and other stupidity...
Apr. 10th, 2006 12:56 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
vanity-lost.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
lkh_lashoutsWhen there's a zombie needing raising, who ya gonna call? Anita Blake.
When there's a critter needing lovin', who ya gonna call? Anita Blake.
So let's combine these two hypothesis into one little novella as opposed to a longer novel, and...
Micah: We never get any alone time.
Anita: Huh? *makes out with Nathaniel* Sure we do.
Micah: We don't.
Anita: Sure we... huh. Maybe you're right. *makes out with Nathaniel*
Larry: Omg, Anita, save me!
Anita: Omg, your personal trauma's affecting me so! Okay. But which of my harem can go with me? How will I get enough sex without them?
Micah: I'll go. For the alone time.
Anita: Rock. Except umm... this makes me nervous because I am conflicted and I have daddy issues. Which means that Laurell does, but no one should notice that... And I hate flying. Hold me, Micah.
Micah: Ow.
Anita: Oops.
Agent Fox: Hey.
Agent Franklin: *bitch*
Anita: *bigger bitch*
Micah: Look, nice hotel. So am I gonna get hella laid?
Anita: Omg, a nice hotel?! Are you insane?! I can't believe you would do this to me!
Micah: *sulk*
Anita: I'm sorry. Come on, let's have badly-written, mind-breaking porn sex now.
Micah: I'm sooo big.
Anita: You are big. And I'm tight and wet and tight and wet and tight and wet and---
Readers: WE GET THE POINT.
Anita: And you're so big and I'm so tight and I'm having mini orgasms and there's spasming and more spasming and I'm going off like a rocket here, people!
Readers: *yawn, ponder whether to watch Dr 90210, because it will be full of less painfully self-obsessed people*
Anita: Right. I'm boneless and gonna be hella sore.
Micah: Time to rais the dead.
Anita: *is not sore at all* Whee! Cemetary! Pretty graves and power, lotsss of power! Oh, it feeeddssss usss, precioussss....
Agent Franklin: WTF?
Micah: Umm, Anita? Wtf?
Silvia: I am a misplaced Sopranoes cast member and I'm pissy about it. *is a bitch*
Anita: *is a bigger bitch*
Judge: *has apparently no idea how to conduct a court room... even one in a cemetary at midnight*
Silvia: *obviously stalling for time but no one notices*
Anita: *is (more) bitchy*
Judge: I did not ask for this. Where's my gavel?
Anita: The graves! The dead are talking! Talking! Aaah, I need my kitty!!
Everyone else: Wtf, mate?
Anita: Zombaiiiii!
Zombie: *looks very lively*
Anita: Umm... oops...
Zombie: Grr.
Everyone: Eek.
Silvia: ...
Anita: Stop it, Zombie! Get back here!
Zombie: GRR!
Silvia: EEEK. Kill it!
Shit: *goes down*
Anita: Aunty Em? I had a dream and you were there and there was a marble tombstone and my head hurt... Micah! Why did people send me dumb ballooons?
Dr: Wth are you, wench? You're like healed and you should be in surgery. Or dead. Major brain trauma: gone. And your bloodwork. We aren't even going to talk about your bloodwork... lion, leopard, wolf, oh my! WTF, mate?
Anita: *borrows Merry's Bambi eyes look*
Dr: Grr. Y'all. Are freaks.
Nurse: Who's your boyfriend?
Anita: Every male hottie in St. Louis.
Nathaniel: *pounce*
Nurses: OMG. Squee!
My hypothesis: She really is the first were-unicorn. Except, she's destined to control all the dead. So she'll be the Unicorn Goddess of Death.
Now, everyone's already ranted about the badly written porn that is Micah, but I hadn't seen much reaction to that lovely sneak preview of Danse Macabre. Here's my reaction:
Let me just say: Thank you to Our Mad Mrs Hamilton for that sneak peak into Danse Macabre. Just when I can almost relax my utter loathing of Anita to deep dislike, you remind me of what a shallow, selfish, arrogant bitch she really is.
Seriously, why keep torturing poor Ronnie's character? Let her go! It's obvious Anita needs no female companionship. She has all that cock (oh, sorry, you call it 'meat') to keep her occupied. But no. Let's drag her back so Anita can remind us all how bitchy girls really are to one another. Fuck female friendship. No cock = no love.
Anita is deeply, spitefully, bitchfully, incapacitatingly jealous of Ronnie's tall blondness. I get that. Anita won't talk to Ronnie about most of her job because it's omg too dark and Anita is omg too noble to tell her weak vapid female friends stuff they wouldn't want to hear. Right. Either this means Anita has an ego the size of Micah's equipment, or she has crappy taste in friends. Or some combo of the two.
So Ronnie is jealous of Anita's amazing schedule of ogasmness with the Harem of Hotties, St. Louis Chapter. And she is reeling that her uptight, 'omg, vamps are icky!' friend is now sleeping with several undead fanged things, plus a few part-time fuzzies. This all = understandable.
Now, Anita is apparently preggers. Ronnie thinks: Well, let's call the Planned Not!Parenthood. Anita flips. Ronnie is such a bitch! How could she think that because, hey, you're a vamp slaying/zombie raising/gun-toting Marshal with a harem and daily brushes with death, you wouldn't be ready to have a baby and settle into something resembling normality in order to give a kid a stable environment.
No! Because Anita is UberSue of Death and Furries and Fangs! She can have a kid if she wants one! Pregnancy will be nothing. So what if she takes a few rifle rounds to the chest or arms during the 2nd trimester? And junior can get used to have 7 uncles who live with/spend the night. And seeing Mommy randomly make out with said uncles (and daddy) over the breakfast table.
Yeah. Bad Ronnie. You're a bitch, Ronnie. You can't confess your relationship issues to Anita and expect her to care! Anita has her own issues! Why don't you care about Anita's issues, Ronnie?! Why aren't you more supportive of her need to have 183473 undead/furry lovers?! You are weak, Ronnie! You are only a lowly private investigator who nearly gets shot on a semi-frequent basis. You cannot understand omg!tehAngzt that is Anita's Life. Bad Ronnie. No sexx0rs for you. You take your rat and you live with him.
*headdesk*
I hate Anita. Why do I keep reading these books?! Dear god, why?! This 'friendship' between Ronnie and Anita turns my stomach. Why would Ronnie even continue attempting to talk to her? And why must Anita be such an utter bitch? Maybe it's my Midwestern upbringing, but making out in front of someone else (especially if it will make that someone else who is a friend uncomfortable) is unbelievably, mind-blowingly rude. RUDE. Inconsiderate. Crass. Cheap. Low. Juvenile. Vulgar. Spiteful. In excruciatingly bad taste. The thesauras fails me.
I was all for Ronnie's retaliation and then some. I'd have shot Anita in the arm, just for the hell of it. Hey, she'll be healed in a couple hours anyway...
When there's a critter needing lovin', who ya gonna call? Anita Blake.
So let's combine these two hypothesis into one little novella as opposed to a longer novel, and...
Micah: We never get any alone time.
Anita: Huh? *makes out with Nathaniel* Sure we do.
Micah: We don't.
Anita: Sure we... huh. Maybe you're right. *makes out with Nathaniel*
Larry: Omg, Anita, save me!
Anita: Omg, your personal trauma's affecting me so! Okay. But which of my harem can go with me? How will I get enough sex without them?
Micah: I'll go. For the alone time.
Anita: Rock. Except umm... this makes me nervous because I am conflicted and I have daddy issues. Which means that Laurell does, but no one should notice that... And I hate flying. Hold me, Micah.
Micah: Ow.
Anita: Oops.
Agent Fox: Hey.
Agent Franklin: *bitch*
Anita: *bigger bitch*
Micah: Look, nice hotel. So am I gonna get hella laid?
Anita: Omg, a nice hotel?! Are you insane?! I can't believe you would do this to me!
Micah: *sulk*
Anita: I'm sorry. Come on, let's have badly-written, mind-breaking porn sex now.
Micah: I'm sooo big.
Anita: You are big. And I'm tight and wet and tight and wet and tight and wet and---
Readers: WE GET THE POINT.
Anita: And you're so big and I'm so tight and I'm having mini orgasms and there's spasming and more spasming and I'm going off like a rocket here, people!
Readers: *yawn, ponder whether to watch Dr 90210, because it will be full of less painfully self-obsessed people*
Anita: Right. I'm boneless and gonna be hella sore.
Micah: Time to rais the dead.
Anita: *is not sore at all* Whee! Cemetary! Pretty graves and power, lotsss of power! Oh, it feeeddssss usss, precioussss....
Agent Franklin: WTF?
Micah: Umm, Anita? Wtf?
Silvia: I am a misplaced Sopranoes cast member and I'm pissy about it. *is a bitch*
Anita: *is a bigger bitch*
Judge: *has apparently no idea how to conduct a court room... even one in a cemetary at midnight*
Silvia: *obviously stalling for time but no one notices*
Anita: *is (more) bitchy*
Judge: I did not ask for this. Where's my gavel?
Anita: The graves! The dead are talking! Talking! Aaah, I need my kitty!!
Everyone else: Wtf, mate?
Anita: Zombaiiiii!
Zombie: *looks very lively*
Anita: Umm... oops...
Zombie: Grr.
Everyone: Eek.
Silvia: ...
Anita: Stop it, Zombie! Get back here!
Zombie: GRR!
Silvia: EEEK. Kill it!
Shit: *goes down*
Anita: Aunty Em? I had a dream and you were there and there was a marble tombstone and my head hurt... Micah! Why did people send me dumb ballooons?
Dr: Wth are you, wench? You're like healed and you should be in surgery. Or dead. Major brain trauma: gone. And your bloodwork. We aren't even going to talk about your bloodwork... lion, leopard, wolf, oh my! WTF, mate?
Anita: *borrows Merry's Bambi eyes look*
Dr: Grr. Y'all. Are freaks.
Nurse: Who's your boyfriend?
Anita: Every male hottie in St. Louis.
Nathaniel: *pounce*
Nurses: OMG. Squee!
My hypothesis: She really is the first were-unicorn. Except, she's destined to control all the dead. So she'll be the Unicorn Goddess of Death.
Now, everyone's already ranted about the badly written porn that is Micah, but I hadn't seen much reaction to that lovely sneak preview of Danse Macabre. Here's my reaction:
Let me just say: Thank you to Our Mad Mrs Hamilton for that sneak peak into Danse Macabre. Just when I can almost relax my utter loathing of Anita to deep dislike, you remind me of what a shallow, selfish, arrogant bitch she really is.
Seriously, why keep torturing poor Ronnie's character? Let her go! It's obvious Anita needs no female companionship. She has all that cock (oh, sorry, you call it 'meat') to keep her occupied. But no. Let's drag her back so Anita can remind us all how bitchy girls really are to one another. Fuck female friendship. No cock = no love.
Anita is deeply, spitefully, bitchfully, incapacitatingly jealous of Ronnie's tall blondness. I get that. Anita won't talk to Ronnie about most of her job because it's omg too dark and Anita is omg too noble to tell her weak vapid female friends stuff they wouldn't want to hear. Right. Either this means Anita has an ego the size of Micah's equipment, or she has crappy taste in friends. Or some combo of the two.
So Ronnie is jealous of Anita's amazing schedule of ogasmness with the Harem of Hotties, St. Louis Chapter. And she is reeling that her uptight, 'omg, vamps are icky!' friend is now sleeping with several undead fanged things, plus a few part-time fuzzies. This all = understandable.
Now, Anita is apparently preggers. Ronnie thinks: Well, let's call the Planned Not!Parenthood. Anita flips. Ronnie is such a bitch! How could she think that because, hey, you're a vamp slaying/zombie raising/gun-toting Marshal with a harem and daily brushes with death, you wouldn't be ready to have a baby and settle into something resembling normality in order to give a kid a stable environment.
No! Because Anita is UberSue of Death and Furries and Fangs! She can have a kid if she wants one! Pregnancy will be nothing. So what if she takes a few rifle rounds to the chest or arms during the 2nd trimester? And junior can get used to have 7 uncles who live with/spend the night. And seeing Mommy randomly make out with said uncles (and daddy) over the breakfast table.
Yeah. Bad Ronnie. You're a bitch, Ronnie. You can't confess your relationship issues to Anita and expect her to care! Anita has her own issues! Why don't you care about Anita's issues, Ronnie?! Why aren't you more supportive of her need to have 183473 undead/furry lovers?! You are weak, Ronnie! You are only a lowly private investigator who nearly gets shot on a semi-frequent basis. You cannot understand omg!tehAngzt that is Anita's Life. Bad Ronnie. No sexx0rs for you. You take your rat and you live with him.
*headdesk*
I hate Anita. Why do I keep reading these books?! Dear god, why?! This 'friendship' between Ronnie and Anita turns my stomach. Why would Ronnie even continue attempting to talk to her? And why must Anita be such an utter bitch? Maybe it's my Midwestern upbringing, but making out in front of someone else (especially if it will make that someone else who is a friend uncomfortable) is unbelievably, mind-blowingly rude. RUDE. Inconsiderate. Crass. Cheap. Low. Juvenile. Vulgar. Spiteful. In excruciatingly bad taste. The thesauras fails me.
I was all for Ronnie's retaliation and then some. I'd have shot Anita in the arm, just for the hell of it. Hey, she'll be healed in a couple hours anyway...
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