[identity profile] ladyravana.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] lkh_lashouts
Friday, August 12th

Another Day, Another Question

http://blog.laurellkhamilton.org/2006/08/another-day-another-question.html

Okay. I KNOW that this blog has already been flogged, but I read all her tripe and sap about "the power of positive thinking" and nearly gagged, and something in me was just itching to give it a proper snarking. So, here I am, going through it in all its glory.

I'm sorry. I just couldn't help myself. I just HAD to do it. So help me, my masochistic streak must be a mile long...

And so, without further adieu, I give you all my best attempt at my second blog flog. Yay.




This is a long one folks...and yes, I tackled the Monster Paragraph of DOOM.


Question on tour: writer's block and what to do about it? I'm not sure I'm the writer to ask this question of, because I don't get writer's block.


To quote a line from Anita: Bully for you. Aren't you ever-so-speshul Mrs. LKH?

*cue the disgusted eyeroll*


Look at the number and length of the books I've done over the last ten years, do the math, if I ever suffered from writer's block I could not have kept the schedule up.

...Has she not heard of that old adage "quality OVER quantity"???


Apparently not. Just because your prolific in your writing LKH, does not mean it is GOOD writing. And you can always take a break between books, you know.

*le gasp and puts hand on chest, wide-eyed* Of course, that's a novel idea since the writing muses all smile upon her speshulness and she works ever so hard. She can't THINK of taking a break and disappointing her readers! Oh no, wouldn't DREAM of disappointing the rabid fangirls that worship the ground she walks on the forum, now would we?

...As for the rest of us, it would be a wonderful reprieve.

But then again, people seemed to have different ideas about what the dreaded block was, so I'll go over some things people called writer's block. First, out of ideas.

Just like what very well may have happened to you, though you yourself may not even know it.


Can't help you there, I'm one of those writer's that is blessed with ideas.

Yes. But that doesn't mean they're GOOD ideas. In fact, they've been very, very, very BAD ideas. Have you NOT seen the reviews on Barnes&Noble? Amazon? I have NEVER seen so many one-star reviews in my entire life for a book.

You would think that would give her a hint that all is not well in Laurell's Happy Bubble of Denial...

Second, too many ideas can't decide what to write. This one I can be a little more helpful with.

*claps hands as face becomes full of rapture* Oh, yes Laurell! Let us all listen to your wise council, for surely, you and Anita's DOOMcrotch hold all the secrets of the universe!

Bless us with your wisdom, bless us! Show us the light!

Pick something, anything.

That's it? That's the grand secret?

Awww damn Laurell, you disappoint me. I thought there was more to it.

Don't worry if it's a good idea or the best idea.

Oh for God's sakes, when I write, I at the very least make sure it's a GOOD idea before I'll stick with it.

I really, really, don't think you should be one giving writing advice, when your own has been condemned to the 9th circle of Literary Hell.


The worst possible thing you can do is to not write,

But that would be the BEST possible thing for you to do. I'm praying for her laptop's demise so that the poor, unfortunate piece of technology can be put out of it's misery. She's indicated that it could be on it's last legs, so there is hope, I believe.

Keep your fingers crossed, folks.

so write something, write anything.

Anything? Including badly written sex-fu and plotless, mindless drivel?

Oh Laurell, what a genius you are, truly. Where would we be without you and the DOOMcrotch to guide us?


Maybe the idea you chose is actually a good idea

Like yours once were.

and the writing will take off, or maybe the idea won't fly.


Not only didn't her ideas fly. They've all crashed and burned for the last four books.

But if you don't run the idea up the flag pole you'll never know if someone salutes, or not.

...No comment. That image is too disturbing all on it's own. I'm not even going to bother snarking that line.

Moving on.

Try it, one of the wonderful things about being a writer is that you can always rewrite later.

Really? You can REWRITE A BOOK DRAFT Laurell? What a shocker! Why don't you try that yourself? Remember mentioning Guilty Pleasures going through SEVEN rewrites back when the series was GOOD? Maybe you should put more care and dedication into your craft, rather than half-assing it like you have for at LEAST SEVEN FUCKING BOOKS NOW.


It's not carved in stone.

Really? Yours seem to be, since there's no evidence that you actually rewrite IN THE FIRST PLACE. And also, for the love of all that is unholy woman, GET A FUCKING DECENT EDITOR AND NOT YOUR FUCKWIT OF A HUSBAND TO DO IT. Hell, I work as a fanfiction beta-reader FOR FREE and I can do a better job than he can.

Let that idea fly, see where it takes you.

Well see, YOUR ideas lead us into Anita's DOOMcrotch, where NONE OF US WANT TO GO because of the profound mental scars it will leave on us.

One that most writers don't talk about much, self-loathing.

...If it would stop you writing, I wish you hated yourself, just a little.

Just plain I hate myself and anything I could come up with is a stupid idea,

Laurell honey, you may not hate yourself, but that doesn't mean your ideas haven't been really, really, stupid.

and how could I possibly think that anyone would want to read anything I wrote.

Because we don't. You may think we do BUT WE DON'T. We want to read the OLD Anita Blake books, back when we gave a damn about the characters and they had *gasp* plot!

I can and can't help with this one.

Really? Go on, I'm listening...

Most of us have moments when we think we can't do something.


Like you seeming unable to write good or compelling novels any more.

Writing, strangely, is an area I'm pretty confident in,

No, really? You're confident in your writing? I would never have guessed from your shy, modest manner and the oh-so-dignified way you compose yourself like SUCH a professional author, what with those hissy fits you throw when nobody "OMFG luuuurves" your books. Awwwww.

*Note the sarcasm*


but there are others that are not so bright for me.

Like your ability to write good sex scenes?

Here's the secret to conquering that ugly voice in your head.

I'm willing to bet that "ugly voice" in her head is the voice of reason. Anyone else think that? It's screaming STOP WRITING LAURELL! FOR THE LOVE OF DIETY, STOP WRITING! PLEASE! FOR HUMANITY'S SAKE!

...That, or it's desperately trying to crawl out of her empty skull and make an escape.

It's just a guess.

Act, as if.

You clearly like to act as if you're a good writer.

Act as if you're brave when you're scared. You'll still be scared, but you'll seem brave, and you won't let the fear stop you. Strangely, if you act braver than you are over and over again, eventually most fears begin to recede, to grow less. Not all, but most.

Ahhhh, now I see her logic: "Ignore it and it'll go away."

You know, most psychologists say this isn't healthy. You gotta face your problems someday or they'll come and bite you in the ass when you least expect it.

Act as if you're more positive than you are, and over a number of years you find that you have become more positive.

Or have a healthy dose of denial.

It took about a decade for me to go from being Nellie Negative to Polly Positive,

Oh hell no. She did NOT just type that. Please, PLEASE tell me that she did NOT just type "Polly Positive." Tell me that I am NOT seeing that.

*gags*

Just...no.

okay I'll never be Polly Positive, but I'm a heck of a lot more positive than I used to be.

Denial seems to work well for her. Huh. Maybe I should try it.

Why did I do this change of inner thoughts?

Because your sanity has deserted you and is never, ever coming back??

I was determined that the depressing negativity I had been raised with would not be passed on to my child.So I vowed to never say anything negative in front of her..



Awwww, how sweet. She's passing her legacy of denial on to her daughter. I pity this kid. I really, honestly do.

Now that didn't mean she was never told no, I believe in discipline.

...No comment. Seriously, no comment. I'm not even touching this sentence with a ten-foot pole.

All these parents that want to be their child's friend drive me crazy. First be their parent, you're the only parents they'll ever have, then be their friend. You cannot be your kids friend first and be an effective parent. Just doesn't work that way. You have to give your kid room to hate you occasionally and not take it personally. They'll get over it.


Skipping this part, nothing snark worthy here.

But back to being positive. I never criticized myself in front of her.

I'm surprised she criticizes herself at all, considering how OMG extra speshul and perfect she is. Hell, she doesn't criticize her writing.

I never criticized her father in front of her.

Really? You have a normal marriage? You and your husband argue? Wow, trouble in paradise! Who knew! Maybe they'll divorce and we'll be rid of Jon. Wouldn't that be neat?

Good grief, now I'M getting delusional. I've apparently been exposed to too much of Laurell's crazy, because we all know hell will freeze over before she leaves Jon. *sigh* We can dream....right?

I smiled and put on a happy face on day's that I was so sad I could barely stand myself.

It's called bottling Laurell. Another unhealthy habit.

She makes my eyelids twitch.

But she didn't know it. That was the point. She is one of the brightest and happiest kids I know.

Apparently the legacy of passing on self-denial is alive and well.

Poor Trinity.

Not only is the glass half full but it's a bright shiny happy glass.

Bright shiny happy glass?

Wha?

*stares blankly*

Moving on...

My glass is still half empty, and isn't it a dirty, cracked glass. But a strange thing happened in trying to raise my daughter more positively than I was raised, I became more positive. Even Jon has noticed that he's more positive than when he married me, because I introduced him to the positive rule, and it was nonnegotiable.

...There's a positive rule?

Oh brother. Okay, kids are going to be exposed to negativity out in the world. It's called REALITY, Laurell, which YOU seem to have NO CONCEPT OF. Trinity will discover that there are bad things out in the world and that Mommy and Daddy have fights on ocassion. You can't shelter her forever Laurell.

We've both become more positive people.

*gag*

What does this mean for writing? It means, act as if you believe that this idea you're writing is brilliant. Act as if there wasn't a voice in your head screaming at you that it will fail.

Laurell, the voice in your head is screaming because they will. And they have. Danse Macabre was, to put it mildly, a CATASTROPHIC failure. It should have NEVER SEEN THE LIGHT OF DAY IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Act as if that teacher or parent or whoever didn't rip you apart for daring to be a writer.

This amuses the hell out of me because reading her writing, I'm sure a few of my old English teachers eyes would bleed at the bad writing and even worse spelling and grammar.

Act as if all the negativity isn't there, all that stomach clenching fear isn't there when you sit down at the computer.

I get stomach clenching fear every time I see your books.

Act as if, act as if long enough, and it will change. You have the power to change how you feel about yourself inside. You have the power to retrain your thoughts and feelings, so that they are a comfort and not a torment.

Your writing and this monster paragraph are a torment to my eyeballs.

I know you can do it, because I did it. You don't have to believe in yourself this moment, this day, just act as if you believe in yourself.

Believe in yourself?

How many times have we heard THAT little platitude? And apparently LKH thinks she's a motivational speaker. Nice.

Act as if, and get writing. Act as if, and just do it. It's not a fast fix, but I promise that if you act as if, you'll look up one day and realize that you really do believe, and you aren't scared anymore. Maybe it will take weeks, or months, or even years. I don't know the level of uncertainty in your heart, but the change does happen. Act as if, and gradually you will become that which you acted. One day you'll look up and realize that you really aren't afraid to speak in front of large groups. (One of my fears, years ago.)

And that was LKH's best attempt at being inspiring. I would be more touched by the sentiment behind this if her writing didn't suck and her ego wasn't inflated to such disgustingly epic proportions.


You'll realize that months of just sitting down at the computer and working even when you were convinced it was crap,

Like yours is?

even when you knew you were killing trees to no purpose,

Like you are?

you actually have a story that works, or makes you smile.

Correction: It makes YOU smile. It makes the rest of us weep, wail, scream, and bang our heads against the walls, screaming and clawing our eyes out to banish the awful, AWFUL images your writing evokes.

You did it, and nothing helps build confidence like facing your fear and conquering it, and not letting it conquer you.

I just conquered a fear. The fear of this blog entry. What scares me most is your insanity and Anita's DOOMcrotch. *shudders* That's one fear that I'm not willing to conquer.
(deleted comment)

Date: 2006-08-20 12:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] catskin.livejournal.com
LKH's next literary effort: The Power of Positive Denial: Sexing Your Way to a Shiny Happy Glass and Another Shitty Book.

Date: 2006-08-21 04:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] logansrogue.livejournal.com
Very nicely done!

No, really. She IS in denial. When I write, I look *forward* to it. It's a process of problem-solving, not faith. Fuck.

Date: 2006-08-22 07:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] logansrogue.livejournal.com
She is of the up-fuckedness.

But I don't trust anyone that would name their kid something that one should probably only call their dog or their mouse or something.

Date: 2006-08-22 01:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] marketchippie.livejournal.com
"Polly Positive"

...

I am reminded of my eighth-grade science teacher giving a presentation on atoms. This involved being introduced to (and having to draw) "Perky Polly Proton" and "Neutral Nellie Neutron" and "Enraged Elliot Electron" who was banned from the Nucleus Arcade so he had to go live on the streets. Yes, that was the lesson, and the sad thing is, when compared to the rambling of LKH, it all appears to make sense. This scares me.

Thank you, LKH, for bringing back the most freakish "lesson" I was ever taught. Thanks bunches.

Sorry for that. As for the actual writing "tips"...yes, maybe writing without bothering to think "good or bad" can be cathartic or help you get over writer's block, but most of us know better than to let the crap see the light of day! NOT ALL WRITING IS SACRED.

Link Fix

Date: 2009-12-28 05:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] naeko.livejournal.com
The blog being flogged here can now be read in its entirety at http://blog.laurellkhamilton.org/index.php/site/another_day_another_question/

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