Newsletter wank: Fall 2006

[pith]

I received the more-or-less quarterly joy that is the newsletter today. It actually wasn't as wanky as normal, but maybe that's because huge chunks were basically advertisements for stuff to do/buy/order/worship/etc.

Newsletter in bold.



Anita #15 = The Harlequin
Edward and Olaf will be making an appearance. As will Peter. We will find out what has been happening there.

a) How long has she been promising us Edward now?

b) Perhaps I've been spending too much time writing a fic for refche, but… hello, subtext. I know we've established that the Gay isn't likely in the Anitaverse, but imagine the possibilities! Edward and Olaf and Peter could be a triumvirate of gay assassins! Anita could not sway them with her sex-fu!

A "huge preview" of Anita #15 will be in the paperback of Danse Macabre, "vary[ing] slightly" from the finished book edition.

Vampire Lestat Ball 2006: Looks like Anne Rice won't be attending. Dang. C'mon, you know you wanted to see the wank-off. It would be like the West Side Story gang dances gone Goth.

LKH: *snap, snap, snap* My vampires have more sex than yours!
AR: *twirls, throws her hands in the air and waves them like she just doesn't care* But my vampires are Frenchier than yours!

Laurell and Jon were features in the St. Louis Post Dispatch on August 19, 2006 in the "How we met" feature

UGH. OMG, LKH, your love is so true. We know. Get a textspeak LJ icon and be done with it already!

Also, does anyone get a creepy TomKat vibe from them? What would the smushed-up version of Laurell and Jon be? Laurathan? Jonurell?

The graphic novel, with issues 1-6 of the Guilty Pleasures, is due out in May 2007.

And as always, the best bits come from "Laurell's Corner".

For some explanation, it's all about Strange Candy and she tries to run with an extended candy metaphor throughout, but it ends up being overwrought, awkward, and pathetic. You know how the movie Chocolat makes you crave chocolate? I think Laurell may have put me off sugar. Grrr. Anyway… onward!

For the darkest of stories you'd need something made of the darkest chocolate. That darkness that is sweet, but so rich it's almost bitter.

Enough! Enough of the darkity fucking darkness! WE GET IT. Go write for the Food Network or something.

dark chocolate is for biting, even the way you eat it is more violent

Stop desecrating the divinity that is chocolate. Please. I'm quite fond of chocolate and I don't want to have to hate it because it was tainted by Gothwank.

Remember while you're reading the treats in this book, that the rejections are in there among the candy. They were spice that got added, the saltiness of tears to the taffy.

Y'know, I'm starting to think her technophobia extends to the kitchen as well, because it really doesn't sound like she knows anything about food either.

Rejection doesn't make it bitter for me, it makes success all the sweeter

Yup. Sure. Right. That's why you've mentioned it how many times in the past month alone? Because you're SO over it.

Comments

[ladyravana.livejournal.com]

LKH: *snap, snap, snap* My vampires have more sex than yours!
AR: *twirls, throws her hands in the air and waves them like she just doesn't care* But my vampires are Frenchier than yours!

WIN! :D That line made me snicker, just picturing it. I would love to see Anne Rice and LKH face off. Although truthfully, I have a little more respect for Anne, since she had the sense to leave the genre. Maybe Laurell will get the hint and follow suit. We can only hope.

And speaking of Anne Rice...I actually have a measure of sympathy for her going off the deep end, since she went crazy right around the time her husband died, so I guess it's...somewhat understandable she went batshit insane.

LKH has no such excuse, and therefore I am FAR less forgiving of her and her butchery of the English language.

Laurell and Jon were features in the St. Louis Post Dispatch on August 19, 2006 in the "How we met" feature

Oh, BARF. :P 'Nuff said.

Also, does anyone get a creepy TomKat vibe from them?

*raises hand* Yeah, I kinda do. But I think that Jon might actually be stupider than Tom, although it's tough to say who's more idiotic. I hate them both pretty evenly.

And well...let's leave poor Katie out of this, because I maintain that she's a brainwashed victim. I actually kinda feel sorry for her.

For the darkest of stories you'd need something made of the darkest chocolate. That darkness that is sweet, but so rich it's almost bitter.

Oh, goody. We're being subjected to more of her so-called "purple prose."

Lovely. *rolls eyes in disgust*

dark chocolate is for biting, even the way you eat it is more violent

Okay, I read this and it made me go "Huh?" I'm not even going to TRY making sense of that bit.

That was just...beyond dumb.

Remember while you're reading the treats in this book, that the rejections are in there among the candy. They were spice that got added, the saltiness of tears to the taffy.

Oh God, would you STOP with the candy metaphors already! We get it! Don't ruin sweets for us, please Laurell, for the love of diety!

Rejection doesn't make it bitter for me, it makes success all the sweeter

Yup. Sure. Right. That's why you've mentioned it how many times in the past month alone? Because you're SO over it.

Bleh. All things considered, if I knew that her series would end up the way it has, I almost wish she would have STAYED rejected.

I just wish she would get the fuck OVER herself. Dear God, must she constantly RUB IT IN?

Yes, she must. That was a purely rhetorical question.

Anyways, sorry for the long comment, Pith! Nice post!

[delphinapterus.livejournal.com]

Oh come on, we all know that LKH writes in her "trademark" lushy sensual style.

[ladyravana.livejournal.com]

Yeah, although instead of calling it purple prose, I like to call it "puke prose." :p Because it is literary vomit, after all.

[wickedmommy.livejournal.com]

Loved this....that line about dark chocolate had me remembering a post someone did here once. Where they compaired LKH to MoJo JoJo from the power puff girls. LOL

[salveo-opes.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing after thinking about it*

[moonbeamdancer.livejournal.com]

Dude, I'm sure that was me, I know I've said that in comments. And it's all true too, unless someone did do an actual post, then no it wasn't me.

[salveo-opes.livejournal.com]

It's hilarious!

[mariakatarina.livejournal.com]

Vampire Lestat Ball 2006: Looks like Anne Rice won't be attending. Dang. C'mon, you know you wanted to see the wank-off. It would be like the West Side Story gang dances gone Goth.

LKH: *snap, snap, snap* My vampires have more sex than yours!
AR: *twirls, throws her hands in the air and waves them like she just doesn't care* But my vampires are Frenchier than yours!

AWW COME ON! I wanted to see the gothwank to end all gothwankiness! Or at least watch Jon get mauled because of LKH's prancing him around like some sort of prized stud and Anne Rice going batshit crazy on both their asses.

Meanwhile: JC, Asher, Lestat, Louis **collective face-palm** We do not know these women. Three of us will be off having an orgy while Louis makes an angsty monologue.

[mariakatarina.livejournal.com]

*snerk* I think it would be akin to a Beatles or Elvis concert back in the day. Lots of screaming, jumping up and down, and trying to grab the boys' pants off.

[randomsome1.livejournal.com]

I stuttered over it and ended up with Jondalar, the Super-Stu from Jean Auel's Cavegirl Sue series.

[troubleinchina.livejournal.com]

I think I'd smush them together as LKH&co, but that's me. ;)

[salveo-opes.livejournal.com]

Nicely done!

Edward who, again?

And I really wish someone would step away from the chocolate.

(As for the Frenchier vampire wank, I will stick with the ones I write. A--they aren't dead, B--they aren't foppified wimps (they wear leather, try to beat the hell out of each other with swords, and have exotic weres as sparring companions) and C--way more fun to read than all of the aforementioned vampires.)

[catskin.livejournal.com]

"Dark chocolate is for biting."

Also, milk chocolate, white chocolate and dark chocolate with ginger bits in it. All chocolate is for biting, Laurell my sweet. It's food. Food is for biting.

[ladymina.livejournal.com]

nooo leave Edward alone

and maybe stop beating on us poor goths
we don't want AR or LKH either, someone else can claim them *sigh

[dwg.livejournal.com]

We can give them to the emos, and have all the hate going in one direction?

[rantingmule.livejournal.com]

dark chocolate is for biting, even the way you eat it is more violent

Okay seriously. Dude, WTF. Dark chocolate is my favourite of the chocolates, and it WILL MELT ON YOUR TONGUE if you LET it. WTF? For biting???

God, now I wanna run away with this.

Caesar salad is for biting, even the way you eat it is more violent. The Romaine will not melt on your tongue like an antacid tablet soaked in saliva, it needs to be crunched and chewed, breaking appart into pulp for ease of digestion. The dressing is like so much blood and thicker things, such as little bits of grated parmesian, which is also a violent food, needing to be grated before consumption. Salad is also a cruel food, because the Romaine is still alive when you eat it, and it dies a horrible, tortured death.

OMG LIEK I CAN SO BE LKH THE DIETY BLESSES ME TO LOOOSE MY MAD SKILLZ ON WRITING!!!!!!!1eleventyone!!!

Okay, I'll shuttup about the DARKITY DARKNESS of salad now. XD

Y'know, I'm starting to think her technophobia extends to the kitchen as well, because it really doesn't sound like she knows anything about food either.

No kidding. Because, yanno, TAFFY IS OMG TEH ADVANSED TEKNOLOGIE PH34R!!!! :P

I loathe this woman so damn much.

Rejection doesn't make it bitter for me, it makes success all the sweeter

LKH has this glowing neon tattoo on her face that screams "PETTY." Shame only the reasonably SANE can see it. :P

[delphinapterus.livejournal.com]

Caesar salad is for biting, ... This was hilarous, poor Laurell just doesn't realize how violent eating is. I'm waiting for Merrita to come out with something like that.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

She should! Eating can kill you! So sayeth my digestive system lecture notes. She's got a BIOLOGY DEGREE just like me, she ought to know this!

[dwg.livejournal.com]

It would be like the West Side Story gang dances gone Goth.

As much as I love your dance-off prediction, I have to stick up my hand and go, "Uhhh, probably wouldn't go down like that." Because, like, Goth dancing is essentially just swaying around with your arms limp at your sides.

So the dance-off would be like a Riverdance war, only in extreme slow motion.

But HOMG, has this woman eaten dark chocolate before in her life??? Dark chocolate...is bitter due to all that cocoastuffs. Really, y'all haven't lived until you've had 87% cocoa chocolate, which is essentially just like injecting coffee beans into your eyeballs.

And then there's the whole chocolate covered coffee beans to consider. I wish I hadn't given up coffee now. *weeps*

[randomsome1.livejournal.com]

Really, y'all haven't lived until you've had 87% cocoa chocolate, which is essentially just like injecting coffee beans into your eyeballs.


I must have this now. *munches chocolate-covered coffee beans to tide her over*

[dinsedaledarby.livejournal.com]

oh the fun that would be had between LKH and Anne Rice. I really wish I could witness it.
ewww with all the wanky chocolate metaphors. those were the like the ultimate 12 year old goth poetry. Nobody writes like that after high school at least not anyone with a talent for it.

Edward. omg. If she ruins Edward (hich will most likely happen because hey this LKH we're talking about here)I will cry.
well maybe not cry but I will be pissed off. He is the only character left with any dignity.

[delphinapterus.livejournal.com]

Does anyone have a copy of the St. Louis Post Dispatch on August 19, 2006 article on LKH & Co? I'd love to see the spin on that one.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

I've hit the Post-Dispatch website, but it's being a bitch to navigate. The annoying thing is, I can pull up an article from July but can't find this one in particular.

[nightangel486.livejournal.com]

Enough of the darkity fucking darkness!

LOL WIN

[ravenhaley.livejournal.com]

Doesn't she mean that Pod-Edward and Pod-Olaf will be in the book?

Speaking of the title The Harlequin -- I put my money down she screws a clown and Peter.

[fashi0n-mistake.livejournal.com]

Anne Rice would kick LKH's butt. As crazy as Anne Rice is, LKH is far more crazy and annoying. Or at lest in my opinion.

And.. I'm not even going to comment on LKH's babblings about chocolate and biting. Just not even going there.

[cicipsychobunny.livejournal.com]

If Anita ends up shagging Olaf, I swear to Gods I will throw the book into the wall and post photos of the dent.

[vanity-lost.livejournal.com]

Laurathan
... for some reason when I read this it sounded like "Laurathon" in my head and made me think of a two-headed leviathan with red lipstick and gothy chokers. And it fit. Shudder.

dark chocolate is for biting - just like most solid foods, and the heads of errant former fans.

Damn it Laurita, quit ruining my perfect love of chocolate.

Also, does anyone get a creepy TomKat vibe from them? YES. Isn't it a usual thing that the couples that always attest to how happy they are are like, always privately miserable?

it really doesn't sound like she knows anything about food either.
Oh noes! LaurellSue is a natural culinary phenom! She is blessed by the diety!

Great post, pith. Quick get some chocolate before the gothwank touches it!

[mneiai.livejournal.com]

Er, I believe I just had a HUGE conversation with someone over the topic of Starbuck's failed drinking chocolate--which was pure, dark chocolate. I loved it, they hated it. Point is: It's just bitter, not sweet. There was also definitely no biting involved. (Though, in Rome I kept getting stuck with this one brand of hot chocolate that liked to put chunks of nuts into the mix, so even as I was drinking...I was chewing)

Wow, she really sucks. Did she always suck this much? I mean, this attempt at an extended metaphor really sucks. I think I could find kindergarten students who would think it sucked, without any prompting from me. Though, I think I could also find ones who are probably better cooks than LKH, too, if this is anything to go by.

[pith]

Re: Starbucks
Are you talking about the chantico or whatever they called it? Man, do I miss that.

If you thought that sliver of the metaphor was bad... ugh. Be thankful you didn't read the whole thing. It made me cringe with pity for the poor thoughts that are confined to her brain.

[mneiai.livejournal.com]

Yep, that was it. Dude, I miss it, too. It was SO expensive, but at my old uni we had a Starbucks and omg, how much did I go there all the time between classes?

I've been avoiding reading anything originally Laurell. I just wait until it comes filtered to me by this comm or someone else ^.^

Things you don't do when someone on the list is sick

[witchwillow.livejournal.com]

And having massive coughing attacks.


LKH: *snap, snap, snap* My vampires have more sex than yours!
AR: *twirls, throws her hands in the air and waves them like she just doesn't care* But my vampires are Frenchier than yours!

Cause I heard it all -with- the music in my head!

[tsula.livejournal.com]

you know... gay!Edward could so explain the whole Donna horrors