My eyes. Oh dear God, my eyes.

[auralily.livejournal.com]

I'm a long time lurker in this community. Usually, I figure that whatever I have to say has already been said and in a much better way than I could put it myself, but this time I just couldn't stay silent. You see, I mad a horrible mistake.

I actually read Micah. A friend gave it to me for Christmas and, even after I promised myself that I would never touch another one of her books much less read one, I let my curiosity get the better of me. I knew it was going to be a literary trainwreck. When you consider the source, there's nothing else that it could have been, but even I didn't think that it could be as bad as it was. I don't think I've ever been more wrong in my life.

For a 245 page book, it took me an insane amount of time to read. You see, at every poorly written sex scene I came to I could only read a few sentences at a time before I felt like my skin was literally trying to crawl off my body in disgust. If I never see another mention of how wettightohmygodsoamazinglywonderfullytighttighttightanddidImentionwet Anita's hellish blackhole of a vagina is I could die a happier and considerably more sane person. Also, just as a side note, finding yourself lying in a pool of your own blood after sex is not in anyway sexy. It is, however, a sign that you should probably find your way to the nearest hospital and get your shit sewn back together. Just a thought.

Also, I have to ask. Was I the only one who saw the great irony in that scene coming directly after Anita reassuring Micah that, while only her cast iron cootch is capable of recognizing the glory of his enormous cock (and is also roomy enough to seat four comfortably)all other women are just inadequately small. Or, you know, just slightly terrified of being permanently injured.

By the end of it all, I was in desperate need of a shower. Not just an ordinary soap and water shower, mind you, but the kind that you get after being exposed to hazardous chemicals. At this point I'm fairly certain that there is no soap on earth strong enough to the Laurell K. Hamilton off of me.

I've learned my lesson well. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find a HAZMAT team.

Comments

[longtail.livejournal.com]

Well, speaking as an unusually well-endowed woman (42H), they really don't get that much in the way. I don't know if I'm doing any extra compensating for gravity that is different from others, but I can still run, throw a punch, do push-ups, kick, and work out in a gym and things with little trouble.

Jumping rope or fitting in tight spaces like under a bed, not so much. :)