blogflog- the LKH guide to mindblowing orgasms

[sharkbytes.livejournal.com]

Blogflog time again, and this one's a real winner, gang.  LKH's guide to sex, complete with references.  I'm really not kidding. 

LKH in bold
Me in abject horror
URL: http://blog.laurellkhamilton.org/2007/02/valentine-day-question-answered.html

Happy Valentine's Day! Or as Jon and I toasted at lunch; Happy day we celebrate when St. Valentine was stoned, shot with arrows, then finally beheaded. How romantic, eh? Jon's toast, "Happy day that Al Capone rubbed out his competition." I guess everyone celebrates in their own special way.

Oh, that Jon.  What a rapier-like wit!  I'd settle for a 'Happy day that LKH discovered proper use of the comma' but apparently Hallmark has some sort of rule about grammatically incorrect greeting cards. 

In honor of Valentine's Day, I've decided to answer a special question from the board. One of the fans asked if Anita was multi-orgasmic because of the arduer? The answer is no, not because of the arduer. the arduer takes the place of a lot of good foreplay. The vast majority of women are capable of being multi-orgasmic. 

Really, Laurell?! I had no idea! And here i was, trudging through life a poor, downtrodden, one-orgasm soul.  I truly believed that until a vampire of undetermined age infected me with the whore-juice that would make me have to hump every male within a twelve block radius, i'd be missing out on all of the toe-curling, pillow-biting fun.  Oh, and LKH?  If you can't even be bothered to spell your poorly conceived plot point correctly, i surely can't be bothered with taking you seriously.


What do I mean by good foreplay? Let me recommend some books. This also answers a research question that was asked. How do you research this sort of stuff?

I'll throw out a few guesses: playmate of the year calendar?  sticky notes in the shape of vaginas?  naughty notecards from jon with misspelled crayon messages like "dun forgit the loob"?

Here are some books not exactly in order: SHE COMES FIRST by Ian Kerner, Ph. D. The book is about what it sounds like it's about. It's about female orgasm, emphasizing oral and clitoral stimulation. I had Jon read it, too, and we both liked it. Kerner has now put out a second book, called HE COMES SECOND. Haven't read that one, yet, but I'm sure it will be as well researched as the last one.

This is quite a long blog, but let me shorten it up by saying that she recommends two other books.  Quivering Jello, by Sue McGarvie, and Satisfaction: The Art of the Female Orgasm by Kim Cattrall and Mark Levinson.  Both LKH and Jon enjoyed the latter in particular: "Jon and I both agreed that the diagrams were very useful and would help a man reached that magic spot."

Jon and I are very lucky to have found each other. We both see sex as a skill. Something you spend time and effort on, so you'll get better at it. Neither of us is satisfied to simply achieve success in this arena, because there's always something new to learn. I've had fans tell me that sex can't be as good as what I'm writing. Sorry, but it can. (Okay not the whole glowing and magic lights that Merry gets, but the rest of it, yes.) With the right kind of foreplay and the right kind of attitude, it's all doable. Now, every one's body is different. How they react to certain simulations is different. These books will help you understand that we are all individuals, and just because you have the same parts doesn't mean they all work exactly the same way.

*bows down to my new Guru*  Thank you.  Here I thought we were all alone in the sexual wilderness, fending for ourselves, when out of the leaves pops our valiant leader, who in the spirit of sisterhood, wants us all to have a constant rotisserie of orgasms.  I'm laughing SO HARD at the thought of these two in constant training for the sexual olympics.  They're like Mad-Eye Moody, preaching "constant vigilance" by bumping uglies every spare moment, lest they receive a less-than-desireable score.

Though one thing that you need in the bedroom, to get really good at sex, is a sense of humor. I don't mean pointing and laughing, none of that. But you have to be willing to look silly, and not to be graceful at all to get good at some of this. You have to be willing to fall off the end of the bed, and know that the person still in the bed loves you anyway, and often loves you because you tried. If you don't try, you can't succeed. It's my motto in damn near everything.

I haven't tried stabbing myself in the eye with a fountain pen, but something tells me it isn't going to feel good.  I do have to agree though, sex is much more fun when you aren't worried about how stupid you look.  But i don't need a "New York Times Bestselling Author" to point this out to me.  This woman has cried foul on multiple occasions that her negative fans take potshots at her personal life, yet she posts a "helpful tutorial" with books she and her husband have pored over in the hopes that we'll start having the amazing sex that they allegedly have.  It's like throwing blood into a pool full of sharks, and then wondering why they start to circle. 


*headdesk* Will someone please run out to the pharmacy and pick me up some strong smelling salts?  Or at least hold me until the hideous mental images stop? *cries and shakes fist*

Comments

[pith]

We both see sex as a skill. Something you spend time and effort on, so you'll get better at it.

If only she could apply that philosophy to writing: you know, learn how to spell, punctuate, plot....

I should have expected a horrible how-to sex blog from her for V-day, but this somehow sank even lower than my expectations.

[sharkbytes.livejournal.com]

I should have expected a horrible how-to sex blog from her for V-day, but this somehow sank even lower than my expectations

sadly, i didn't even see it coming. not that i'm shocked, just horribly scarred lol

[everstar3.livejournal.com]

Satisfaction: The Art of the Female Orgasm by Kim Cattrall and Mark Levinson.

Please, please, please tell me that she doesn't mean the Kim Cattrall from Sex and the City. Please.

[lastshotringing.livejournal.com]

Pretty sure it does. I'm sorry. :/!

[lastshotringing.livejournal.com]

Oh, so that's what I've been doing wrong! Thanks Laurell -- now I'm on my way to multi-orgasms too (after I read a few books, that is)! :D!

[cactus-wren.livejournal.com]

When I read the recommendations in this entry the first thought that went through my head was "Oh, Jeebus, I really don't need to know this from her, wtf is her deal? Why is she posting this, does she like to be made fun of?". That, and 'MY EYES!'. I'd offer to hold you until the hideous mental images stop, but I'm so busy trying to decide whether to laugh or cry that I can't really help you right now.

[witchwillow.livejournal.com]

Wait.. uhm. So she really did have sex with someone in full beast form? They didn't just pull a 'happy' and half change in the middle of things?

[track-04.livejournal.com]

I've had fans tell me that sex can't be as good as what I'm writing. Sorry, but it can. (Okay not the whole glowing and magic lights that Merry gets, but the rest of it, yes.) With the right kind of foreplay and the right kind of attitude, it's all doable.

You mean all we need is to believe in ourselves and we, too, can aquire the ardeur and gather our very own harem of sexy gay obviously very straight but tragically overly effeminate men to sex on an hourly basis? Oh, Laurell, you've brought the light of hope to an otherwise abyssmally dark, single-orgasmed world again!

[kethryvis.livejournal.com]

Why is it I just got that line about "If you believe in fairies, clap your hands!! Don't let Tink die!" in my head?

IF YOU BELIEVE IN GOOD SEX, CLAP YOUR HANDS!! DON'T LET THE ORGASM DIE!!

Okay on that note, I think I need to go to bed.

[wickedmommy.livejournal.com]

I love the fact that she MADE Jon read the book. Did she give him a quiz afterward? Was it True/False or Essay? The sick twisted part of me wonders wonders if she has a reading list for him, and what exactly is on it.

"Okay Jon Today we are going to read "All about our bodies" It's a big boy book so it might take you a bit."

[track-04.livejournal.com]

I keep picturing him sitting on her lap and her holding up a big pop up book in her lap.

Oh gods, those mental images aren't going to leave anytime soon. *scrubs at brain*

[xanath.livejournal.com]

::shakes head in desperation::

Holy fuck. (Woops). If I really needed sex tips from an author, I'd think Xaviera Holland--or maybe Jacqueline Carey--would be ten times more interesting and informative than LKH. For one thing, they can actually string a grammatically correct sentence together . . .

Jon and I are very lucky to have found each other. We both see sex as a skill.

That's it; I'm off to get the Cerebral Clorox.

[catskin.livejournal.com]

*love for Jacqueline Carey*

personal note

[witchwillow.livejournal.com]

She talks about having a familiar partner. But she doesn't talk about an emotional connection or whether or not a person makes you feel sexy.

The reference to committment is beside 'familiar' and 'knowing their reactions' - it made me think of a radio operator who gets to know a particular model. He's had enough practice with it to know all the ins and outs.

Geeze, ok she's not claiming her books are romance now is she? But still? Nothing about the endearing aspect in someone falling off the bed and pointing and laughing and no hard feelings because of the affection involved.

Geeze and more geeze. Is this why her stuff has become insert tabs b, c, d, e, f, g, and h into slot A ?

Re: personal note

[sharkbytes.livejournal.com]

exactly! she makes it seem as though you just need a working knowledge of someone's body. her books are like the instructions in an IKEA manual. I don't know about anyone else, but i'd prefer to have sex without allen keys, kthx.

[relmneiko.livejournal.com]

My brain, it burns! If there were some kind of 'LKH Blog Post Wall of Shame' (and there should be), this would be on it.

I so did not want to start thinking about LKH's sex life. *reaches for undiluted bottle of brain bleach*

[lastshotringing.livejournal.com]

The one where she talked about getting all sexy and dressing up in lingerie to write sex (but be careful the dog doesn't snag it!) -- would also be on that wall.

shudder~

[grave-tidings.livejournal.com]

She forgot the Kama Sutra. Or did she use that up in her first few books? (end sarcasm)

[nicbemused.livejournal.com]

The Kama Sutra would be real research she doesn't do that.

[jassanja.livejournal.com]

I think this blog was just her way to gloat at everyone because her sex is way better then that of everyone else (or so she thinks)

My Brain, my brain, my poor brain

[cmagi.livejournal.com]

I am seriously embarrassed for LKH. What a load of horse-shit. LKH sex guru!
Am totally creeped out.
Runs away screaming...........

[pandaemonaeum.livejournal.com]

Good grief.

There is a line which one shouldn't cross. LKH just backed over it a couple of times before accelerating past it, laughing maniacally in the process. Quite possibly in a tank.

I don't want to know about my best friend's sex life, let alone the sex life of some random author on the Net. Although I did laugh at the thought of her falling off the end of the bed. Maybe she hit her head really hard, and that's why her last books have been such unmitigated crap.

[ladymina.livejournal.com]

I think I am on my way to not being shocked by this kind of confessions anymore, - once your mom starts to tell you intimate information about the sex with her current affair nothing can shock you anymore ....

[alex-lebeau.livejournal.com]

The book is about what it sounds like it's about. It's about female orgasm, emphasizing oral and clitoral stimulation.

WHOA WHOA WHOA, BACK IT THE EFF UP.

When in the utter holy HELL has Anita even bothered with foreplay? When did she last even remember she had a clitoris?! LKH is a sad sack of lying shit when it comes to sex. Or hasn't she read the book that says, quite plainly, most women don't even orgasm from penetration? I would think not.

I fear for the young girls who honestly think this kind of sex is normal. Screaming penetration, lots of wet squishy without proper foreplay and/or even lube, SOAP AS SAID LUBE, vaginal bleeding....dear gods, the list continues. And yet, she's read books. AUGHH.

[catskin.livejournal.com]

So someone asks LKH a question about her writing and she immediately runs off a lecture about her sex life? And she wonders why people speculate about it.

And really, why would any sane person take advice on their sex life from LKH anyway? All Anita does is lay back, spread her legs, fill her lungs and shriek. There's never anything fun or romantic about it, and the only creativity that goes into it is whether her partners are puppies, kittens or corpses.

[witchwillow.livejournal.com]

fill her lungs

I totally got the wrong image from that phrase and thought Anita was drowning from inhaling sperm.

[sundrymusings.livejournal.com]

It is really sad when you have to show your partner a book on how to do it and do it well, with pictures to boot!

[jerel.livejournal.com]

I'm with you. What happened to communicating with your partner? As in telling him or her if your needs aren't being met, or even something as simple as "left a bit more" or whatever.

I would take sex advice from LKH at about the same juncture as I would take writing advice from her. Which is never.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

I've had fans tell me that sex can't be as good as what I'm writing. Sorry, but it can. (Okay not the whole glowing and magic lights that Merry gets, but the rest of it, yes.)

There I was, expecting that our heroine really would glow like a sugar-coated nightlight every time she had an orgasm and she just had to go and ruin the illusion by admitting that she was a mere mortal after all. A mere mortal with book references, no less. I AM CRUSHED! CRUSHED AND DISAPPOINTED!!!

Call me crazy, but if you can't figure out how to get that mind-blowy orgasm all on your lonesome, I don't think additional help from either your partner or a book with diagrams is going to do much good either. It's like...the blind leading the blind.

[nightangel486.livejournal.com]

I've had fans tell me that sex can't be as good as what I'm writing.

No, it can be much, MUCH better.

Seriously, this whole thing just infuriated me to no end. She hates when people speculate or ask questions about her sex life, and then she pulls this shit...

[ravenclaw-devi.livejournal.com]

I'm now imagining LKH's to-do list:

1) Buy milk

2) Write five more pages of A Lick of Frost

3) Work on sex skills w/ Jon

*curls up and whimpers, in need of brain bleach*

[sharkbytes.livejournal.com]

it's sad, but that's probably EXACTLY what her planner says.

[windiain.livejournal.com]

I've had fans tell me that sex can't be as good as what I'm writing. Sorry, but it can.

I have to agree with her completely on this point. Real sex HAS to be better than what she's writing, or the human race would have died out thousands of years ago. Hell, I'm asexual and have far better and more interesting orgasms all by myself. Anita has umpteen million partners, and all the sex makes me want to do is fall asleep because it's that boring.

As for the fans who think that the sex in these books is actually that good... tell me, have you ever masturbated? Are you 13 and giggling over your teenage crush on that cutey pie in your history class? Because if you think LKH's depiction of sex is that good, you need to get laid.

[sharkbytes.livejournal.com]

Because if you think LKH's depiction of sex is that good, you need to get laid

i really couldn't have said it better myself! Her sex scenes are heinously boring, because she tries too damn hard to make them "edgy." The most unsexy, horrid thing i've ever read was that description of Anita fellating JC's flaccid peen. She really needs to get out more.

[mariakatarina.livejournal.com]

Seriously. Then she wonders why she gets mocked or asked about her personal life at all.

Obvious statement time: someone's overcompensating for something. Going on this much about how grand your sex life is -now- usually means it sucked really badly for a while beforehand. I take it he and hubby #1 weren't exactly good sexual partners with each other?

This is not coming from experience, but I'm guessing a bad sexual match between partners does cause a lot of tension, so it's great that she and Jon are having fun and all, but ZOMG TMI!

I also find it absolutely hilarious that she and Jon have read SHE COMES FIRST, but not HE COMES SECOND yet. She comes first is kind of the M.O. for all the AB and Merry books. 'He' (or 'They') all end up coming 3rd, 4th, 5th... etc.

[saucyirishlass.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't entirely rule out the possibility that Jon's not the great lover she would like him to be, and so overcompensates for that by telling herself - and everyone else - how wonderful their sex life is.

[randomsome1.livejournal.com]

What's killing me the most is how she's talking about how anyone can have sex like Anita and Merry with the right kind of foreplay . . . but neither Anita NOR non-ardeurered Merry have foreplay. They touch the guy's bits and scream in ecstasy, the guy crawls onto them and they have about a billion screaming orgasms where they claw the hell out of everything available . . . There's no foreplay. There's no clitoral stimulation, there's just humping.


Gaaaahhhh Iwillnottrolltheforums.

[delphinapterus.livejournal.com]

You know the worst part is that it is so clinical, there is no joy to the idea that you can experiment, no happiness to the thought of being with somebody to love. There's a reason that we have emotions, yet she is ignoring the impact they can have.


In other news, Jon's little reference to Al Capone makes me weep, why are they not to content to leave history alone? I guess I should be grateful that she isn't going to drag up Lupercalia and give us our one of history lesson.

[saucyirishlass.livejournal.com]

I guess I should be grateful that she isn't going to drag up Lupercalia and give us our one of history lesson.

Oh, I know. I was expecting her to bring it up. I'll be forced to hurt someone if she messes with my Roman holidays.

[cicipsychobunny.livejournal.com]

HAY GUYS! STOP COMMINTG ABUT HER PURSENAL LYFE, YOU HAV NO RITE TO JUDGE HER even when she shares incredibly intimate details on her free-to-all blog.

And yep, I'm with all the posters who noticed that emotions NEVER enter the equation with LKH when it comes to sex. This is a sad thing.