Bookflog: The Harlequin -Chapters 1 & 2-

[tsula.livejournal.com]

Those of you who are friended on my journal, have already read this, but I figured I'd finish what I started and share with all. A brutal blow-by-blow synopsis of this trainwreck trying to pass for literature.

I read this crap so you don't have to... or something to that effect.

Though the punctuation of choice for abusing this novel seems to be the period.

She'll write a fragment. Then, finish the sentence as a separate fragment.

Hello! There's this thing called a semi-colon, it's the key under your right pinkie. Guess she misplaced her bag o' commas.



It opens in (a shocker here) Anita's office at work, and she's having a meeting with Malcolm. This meeting is surprising... very, very surprising. I know, because the two characters discuss how very, very surprised they are. And then goes into long drawn out descriptions of Malcolm, Anita's crimes against fashion, and her coffee mug.

Yeah.

And all of this leads up to *le gasp* Anita having warrants for execution for two of his congregation, and that they're OMG!SOZINOC3ENT! REELYZ!

Yeah.

And Malcolm knows this because his Spidey-senses told him there was a new, big!Bad stomping around good ole St.Lou and playing paddy-cake during his church services. This leads Anita to the grand realization that z0mg! he really telling her this so she'll report it back to JC. And he didn't even have to give her a cookie. Good girl!

More posturing ensues where Malcolm swears that the mysterious WHO, is a suprasekrit! and he cannot tell under penalty of cake or death! Not making this shit up. Then as a shifty way to change the subject starts prying into Anita's personal life, thus proving his accusations of her whorishness when he cannot guess who she's having date night with.

Yeah.

Then Malcolm mentions he wants a priest to hear his confession. Which leads to speculation on whether a priest would or would not do so; and whether they could or could not absolve him his "many sins."

Yeah.

After he leaves, not telling Anita the suprasekrit! despite her asking... repeatedly. How rude of him.

So she calls JC, but he's on stage playing "dollar for a kiss" at his strip club. I wonder if he has a men's night there. While waiting for JC to return her call (how dare he have things to do other than wait for her phone calls!) She rambles about what she feels through the marks, then thinking about "law". Which leads to an ambiguous infodump on laws concerning vampires. Then, JC calls her back... and he's in on the suprasekrit! too! Oh noes! And he won't tell Anita! Double oh noes!

Yeah.

And somehow this leads to their discussion of how Anita should not ditch her date with Nathaniel for their "almost-anniversary", and how romantic Anita isn't. JC is actually manipulative and self-serving, glimmer of hope? Dare I hope that one character will not be assassinated by its creator this novel?

And thus ends the summary of the first two chapters.

The novel is under 500 pages too... so at least the torture won't be too prolonged.

Comments

[wickedmommy.livejournal.com]

Wait. That is two chapters worth of flogging???? I agree, thank the gods it is under 500 pages.

[tsula.livejournal.com]

well, LKH chapters, which are more like "chapter-lites" *coughsandmakeswiththeretarded*

[stickfigurepeep.livejournal.com]

This is completely OT... but I love your icon. It reminds me of an unusual hat of Rowena Ravenclaw's that is described in the last Harry Potter book. That's as un-spoilery as I can be, so don't be mad if you haven't read it and are planning to. (I think it's vauge enough to be the equivelent of, "Well, Harry does magic at some point.")

Also, it looks like Inara from Firefly, who I want to marry and have many futurey courtisan babies with.

[tsula.livejournal.com]

thanks

[acostilow.livejournal.com]

That's TWO chapters?

Jesus.

I need my spork now.

[tsula.livejournal.com]

yes, yes it is... she writes her chapters like her sentences. that or you replace the chapter with "Day" and you get her writing schedule? eureka?

[acostilow.livejournal.com]

But that involves thinking like her.

Which makes me cry.

[tsula.livejournal.com]

don't feel alone, Baby Jesus has been awailin' for years because of her.

[easol.livejournal.com]

Just hope that she never decides to write doorstoppers like Robert Jordan, or all our brains would liquefy.

And he didn't even have to give her a cookie.
Or an orgasm.

Which leads to speculation on whether a priest would or would not do so; and whether they could or could not absolve him his "many sins."

Well, if you could keep the priest from freaking out that a bloodsucker is only a little screen away, yes. That's what priests are for, luv.

Dare I hope that one character will not be assassinated by its creator this novel?
Don't hope too hard. You haven't encountered the Gay Tux O'Doom.

Which leads to an ambiguous infodump on laws concerning vampires.

WHY? Tell me WHY?! This far into a series, with a huge cast, you shouldn't have to explain anything, because if people jump into a series that late they DESERVE to be confused. I swear, I think these books are the literary equivalent of talking just because you like your voice.

"almost-anniversary"

Yawn. If she did this with all her men, she'd be going out every night for something other than sex.

[acostilow.livejournal.com]

Yawn. If she did this with all her men, she'd be going out every night for something other than sex.

Oh, god, we can't have that!

[tsula.livejournal.com]

Oh, I've seen the Gay Tux O' Doom and I was like "wow."

I've also waded through the Requiem wangst, because he's vying Richard for the category of Wangstiest Wank that ever Wangsted. He's hardcore.

[easol.livejournal.com]

If he gets much wangstier, he'll have to jump into a volcano. ;)

[tsula.livejournal.com]

no shit, that or cut off his ear and mail it to Wheelin' Wanda as a Valentine.

oh, how I miss characters like Wanda.

[burning-nova.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank the gods I did not buy this! This was the first TWO? I was interested because I heard it had more "plot".

Off note: I love your avatar acostilow!

[burning-nova.livejournal.com]

Crap. I cut off too short. I blame the distracting cute avatar.

I meant to complete the first part. I've read the flogs but was hoping she had, y'know, more quality again. I think reading flogs will do for now.

I am still frightened by the image of the leather tux on JC, even in it's briefest form.

Tux= Better or good looking man
Leather pants= great or TMI!
Together= WTF?!

[burning-nova.livejournal.com]

Don't worry, you rest assurred, that I have not paid a penny toward Laurell since NiC a few years a go. I

Unfortunately, my friends are but I have not the heart to tell them they suck.

The last sci-fi/fantasy thing I paid for was Jim Butcher's White Night which had plot and I was quite happy to read and pay.

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

I'll bite. What is an e-mule and where do I find them

[missamii.livejournal.com]

You know, when its presented like this, I think I under stand why post NiC books bore me to tears. Hamilton typically has fairly good sized the chapters but the important parts is that the relevant material in each of them is only enough for a few paragraphs. Then she literally pads it with so much unnecessary bilge and her stupid dozen of so characters in the scene playing verbal back and forth and chewing scenery. It's one thing when authors are trying to meet a certain word count to so they throw in some irrelevant stuff here and there. With Laurita, she seems to write the entire book in that state of mind.

[tsula.livejournal.com]

that and her love of cut & pasting passages for previous books... there should be laws against authors plagerizing their own works.

[vlredreign.livejournal.com]

I am SO not buying this book. I bought SM, what a joke. Yes, i knew better, I did. But I did it anyway. Cause I'm stupid...and I wanted to know if the twat that ate St Louis was pregnant. What a rip that turned out to be.

Why can't JC wear Armani? He would look so much cooler, even with the rock star hair.

And yeah, padding chapters. Anyone remember how the mutual circle jerk in NiC took like three chapters til everybody got nekkid? Oh wait, they didn't, Anita was being bashful, and made everybody stay clothed. Funny how we got to DM, and she spent like one whole night naked. In front of everyone. Ewww, she creeps me out now.

[vlredreign.livejournal.com]

Ummm...cause I just now heard about e-mule from you? *bats eyes*

I knew better, I was bad, I noes!!!

[easol.livejournal.com]

And of course, that night takes up pretty much half the book. The rest involves Anita wearing skimpy dresses, and having the skimpy dresses ripped off because cuddling is the only way to drive back the evilness.

Nah, LKH would never let Anita get pregnant -- if she did, she'd have to grow up, stop whining and focus on something other than spreading her legs for every undead/werepeenie that came her way.

[vlredreign.livejournal.com]

OMG, it so did!! How long was that night, like every chapter but the last?? Just like the Merry book before last, the one before Mistral's Kiss? That book was like the entire night. In fact, since they got back to the sithen, how many days have actually passed? Two? In three books??? Did they ever get to the Seelie Ball? And how the hell is Merry supposed to get knocked up, cause she wouldn't know for a couple weeks, right?

Damn...I used to actually like Merry. At least she knew she was a ho. Oh, and how come all the short women in LKH's books have big hooters and bad attitudes, and the tall women are bitches? And yeah, I know what she looks like...short, big hooters and a bad attitude, but seriously. Cause I kind of like Andais. lol

[amamelina.livejournal.com]

Then Malcolm mentions he wants a priest to hear his confession. Which leads to speculation on whether a priest would or would not do so; and whether they could or could not absolve him his "many sins."

Ok, that part lost me. I know in the beginning, the Church of Eternal Life was not Christian in any way. It was nondenominational at best. I heard that now, the CoEL was some kind of Christian church. Nondenominational Christian or something like that.

However, I have never in all my life heard of the "priest or leader" of on denomination going to confess from the "priest or leader" of another denomination. For starters, only Catholic (Roman, Angelic, etc) have confessions to priess. Protestant Christians believe that only God can absolve you of sins, so you confess straight to Him. This means that Malcolm would have to find a Catholic priest (again, outside his religion) to confess too.

As far as i know, this isn't done. If the CoEL has confessions, wouldn't they have their own priests to hear them or their own way to get absolved? It's not even done like that in the Catholic church. If a priest has to confess his sins, he won't walk down the block to the nearest Baptist church. He goes to someone in his religion (possibly higher then him).

does anyone know what the Church of Eternal Life is now? Vampire Christian? Vampire nondenomination with a leaning on christian? Just plain nondenominational?

[easol.livejournal.com]

Pretty confusing. I suspect it's just a means for Laurell to show us that the monsters get to do everything we do, and how God TOTALLY approves of them even if they kill people and have supernatural mind-rape orgies all the time. And Anita, of course.

[tsula.livejournal.com]

LKH has been comparing him to Billy Graham and treating him kind of like a vampiric version of Martin Luther *shrugs*

I kind of took it as a personal quirk for the character, some throwback to his mortal life. I suspect he was a devout Catholic/Anglican/Protestant when alive... it would fit his zeal and evangelistic streaks.

He also reminds me of Warwick, in that a part of him is still desperately God's graces, and that there's still hope for his soul.

But then I'm most likely giving the author too much credit for creating a character with any real depth.

[lilian413.livejournal.com]

does anyone know what the Church of Eternal Life is now?

What about 'fucked up'? :-)

What started out as an interesting concept turned, in LKH's hands, into just another 'let's see how many penii we can stuff into the Crotch of Doom' subplot.

[recovered-dream.livejournal.com]

I won't spoil the story... er.. what story there is, but the CoL status is resolved at the end of this book. It's stupid, it's typical "Give Anita all the power" routine, but it is resolved!

And as for the "almost anniversary" I was a bit proud of how Nathaniel handles the conversation he has with Anita in chapter 3 or 4. I think someone else wrote his part. Anita was, of course, her usual "Don't tell me, I already know everything and don't you just loooooove getting into bed with me!?" (don't think that's too spoilerish)

Don't anyone flog too hard yet, you'll wear your arms out before the story is over. ;) There's a LOT more that is flog-worthy as you go on. It's so bad it makes the opening look good.

[tsula.livejournal.com]

Oh, it makes the opening look downright reasonable!

[easol.livejournal.com]

"Doooooom... the Crotch of Dooooooommmm..."

[notadoor.livejournal.com]

I don't know if this was your intention, but I just started singing various assorted tunes from the cartoon version of Return of the King that Warner Bros. put out like 20 years ago.

[easol.livejournal.com]

(Evil laugh) Yeah, pretty much. That started ringing in my head the moment someone said the "Crotch of Doom."

[roguetailkinker.livejournal.com]

(how dare he have things to do other than wait for her phone calls!)

*snerk* Ain't that Anita Blake in a nutshell? "You will do what I want always, but stop bugging me with your petty needs!"