Blog Flog

[dwg.livejournal.com]

URL: http://blog.laurellkhamilton.org/2005/08/not-in-mood.html
Date: Wednesday 31 August 2005
Title: "Not in the mood"

Somebody had to do it. LKH in blockquote (ha! Switching tactics!), I'm the ranting in between.

Another sex scene, and I am so not in the mood.

*headdesk* Another sex scene? ANOTHER? Shit, I'm going to have to make a separate spreadsheet (pardon the pun) for Anita's sexual escapades along with the character stats one.

A nap or a video sound about the right speed for today, but instead we've got to have literary sex. Some days the sex scenes are easy, or at least fun, but then there are days like this. When the book is willing, but the flesh is tired. Part of the problem is Anita is not in the mood either, we're in the middle of a metaphysical disaster of cataclysmic proportions, at least for Anita's personal life.

I have so many problems with this part of her rant.

1. Got to have literary sex? Hold up there, missy. Since when is it mandatory to have literary sex? Oh, right, since everything in the universe can be solved through sex-fu.

2. Some days the sex scenes are easy? Is that because most of them are copy and pastede? Most of us can predict how it's going to happen, anyway. Anita walks into a room, notices Some Guy, he notices her and starts getting randy, she finds out he's Enormously Hung, he begs her to fuck him, and they have much groin thrusting until Antia has one of those screaming, writhing orgasms that may or may not result in female ejaculation, metaphyscial shit, her nails being ripped off, or all of the above.

What's so tough to figure out?

3. Christ, it's another sex scene!

4. So Anita's not in the mood. Yippee!

Course, as soon as Some Guy shows her that A) he's got Divine Buttocks like Nathaniel, or B) he's Enormously Hung, she gets distracted and randy.

5. Yet another metaphysical disaster? *yawn* I am so tired of this crap. Is it just me, or does the metaphysical shit not make any sense, other than it's "OMG! I'm draining someone! I MUST SEX!" or something like that. Most of it can be cut down or out entirely. But that's not going to happen, because it's yet another avenue for Anita (and thus LKH) to wangst.

6. Gah, Anita's personal life. Can I just say how much I just don't care any more? Metaphysical disasters notwithstanding - a day in the life of an Amish barn would be more interesting.

Anita's been trying to not feed the arduer again. She and I have just come to a point where we'd like to try and make it work with the men we already have in our life, and not add. But we've discovered that part of the reason that the arduer doesn't stay fed is that feeding on someone that is bound to you metaphysically is like eating your own arm. You're eating energy that you're sharing back and forth anyway. You need an occasionally meal that isn't sucking energy from you.

OMG woman, learn how to spell ardeur! I'm sure French people will be upset to see their language slaughtered so heinously.

My head hurts so much just to start contemplating the whole second triumvirate thing. Specially when you think of it in context of the original JC/Richard/Anita one - how come JC's not sexing everything that movies just to keep that one powered up? Don't give me the crap that Richard and Anita are alpha enough to recharge their own batteries, you set something like this up, some consistency would be nice. If Anita's got to sex-fu all day long to keep Damian and Nathaniel alive, JC's got to be sexing 24-7 to keep her and Richard alive. And that just makes me think, "Ow. Chaffing."

Strap yourselves in people, because the "Anita and I" thing just keeps on going. *facepalm*

So Anita and I both understand the necessity of adding a new pomme de sang now that Nathaniel is her animal to call, but who? Who won't screw our domestic arrangements all to hell? You might conceivably have sex with this many men on a regular basis, if it was just sex, but taking care of everyone's emotional issues, too? I just don't see how any one woman can take care of that many emotional needs. The thought of adding another man to the mix, well, Anita has just balked at it. I don't blame her.

*cough* The name "Micah" comes to mind. I mean, he's a leopard (and therefore her animal to call too) and already part of the domestic arrangements...and...and...what's so wrong with screwing up the domesitc arrangements? I mean, other than the screwing will probably be literal. Then again, if things are FUBAR in her (her as in Anita, LKH, pick one) living arangements, we're going to get chapters of wangst about how to get it to work out and how it was good before and how Nathaniel is going to cry now.

Emotional problems? Why the fuck does everyone have to have emotional needs and issues? Oh...right, everyone's codependent on Anita. Heaven forbid anyone figures something out on their own, or goes to someone else for help and support. Obviously there are therapists in the universe, because Nathaniel was going to referr Ronnie to one.

Besides, most of these problems can be solved with a smack upside the head rather than some crying and sex. When sex-fu can cure cancer, then maybe I'll start paying more attention to its miraculous qualities.

The idea of adding another man to the mix makes most of the readers balk as well, Laurell.

But what happens when she doesn't feed the arduer enough? What happened last time? Damian got hurt, almost drained dry. Well, guess what? Yeah, it's happening again, but this time it's daylight and he's in his coffin, and if she doesn't fix this he won't ever wake again. To make matters worse, Nathaniel tried to share energy with him metaphysically, since he is the animal to that particular triumverate, and Nathaniel doesn't know how to share energy. If Anita doesn't fix this, they may both die.

*screams wordlessly* So, Damian - potentially one of the most interesting secondary characters in the series but has now been relegated to pretty, needy, clingy, emo fucktoy - may die and bring Nathaniel down with him because of Anita's stubbornness.

Good. Let it happen.

Don't get me wrong, I like Damian and Nathaniel - but someone needs to die. It'll be good for Anita, and everyone else. Nathaniel is probably close enough to Anita for it to hurt a lot and bitchslap her back to some sort of state that resembles sanity. And the fact that it would be Anita's fault that they died only makes the idea seem even better.

DO IT, Laurall, just let them die!!! The potential for creativity and ideas is wonderful. Please don't make Anita fix this! She doesn't have to duct tape the world back together! Let them go.

How do you fix it? Feed. Feed the arduer. But I don't think Anita and I have both felt so unarduerish in books. Too worried, too stressed, too scared. Ah, but here's the fix. Requiem's power. It's like hours of really good foreplay in seconds, and it will raise the arduer if Anita doesn't shield against him. Feed on him, save the day, right? Yeah, Requiem's power will put Anita in the mood immediately. Problem, I don't have Requiem here with me. Fictional character and all.

Wow, she admits that Requiem is a fictional character. Huzzah! Still, Requiem - surely he's one of the wankiest creations (Wicked and Truth take the gold medal) in the books thus far. His name is freaking Requiem, and his sex-fu POWAH is cramming foreplay into a few seconds? Wow, is he male or what?

AND THE UNIVERSE DOESN'T NEED TO BE SOLVED THROUGH SEX-FU!!!

Mon dieu, it's not the answer to everything.

[Comic Book Guy] Worst. Plot. Device. Ever. [/Comic Book Guy]

It'll get to the point where it will be, though. Sex is the new Tonga.

"What's the chemical properties of rock?"
"Unh, unh...unh...Sex!"

And contrary to rumor, my having real life sex doesn't necessarily make it easier to write literary sex scenes. Sometimes it does, I'll admit that, but my energy is low enough that right this moment I could have sex or write about it, not both. I'd really need that nap if I did real life sex. Besides, it's a little awkward to tell everyone else, sorry, lunch has to wait, Jon and I are going to have sex. That just seems rude. It has been one of the downsides to adding to the workforce here at the house, all those odd little social conventions to be adhered to. But even if Jon and I could throw caution, and politeness to the wind, it's easier to have real sex than to write about it. I'm sure I've discussed before somewhere in the blog that it's easier to run your fingertips down someone's skin, than to describe how it feels on paper. So much easier.

TMI, much? Frankly, I don't want to know how much porn in the recent books are her and Jon practicing so that she can feel "inspired."

Besides, isn't this a little bit sixteen-year-old girl? "Dear LJ, I just had sex. *insert TMI* kthxbai."

So here I sit, trying to conjure not just good sex, but great sex,

No, Laurell, it's not great sex. It's boring sex. And haven't you ever heard of a fade out? Fade to black, cut to the next scene. Believe it or not, everyone doesn't have to read Anita's every single waking moment. You have scene transitions all the time, I - and a lot of the readership - would be very happy if you skipped sex once in a while and just got to everyone trying to find their underwear and seeing if Joe Citizen in the corner (Who "took one for the team") is still alive.

and I'm almost sure that once we've fed on Requiem that it won't be enough to undo the damage we've done to Damian and Nathaniel. Which means more sex, of at least the metaphysical variety. Since I try to make every sex scene the best it can be, it means the bar will be raised damned high by the time we get this fixed. It will also be the first time that we've had more complete sex with Requiem, so a first time on screen for him.

*screams again* Let them die! Let them die! Let the damage stick! I beg you, please! Spare me from the literal and metaphysical porn! I don't think I care about plot any more, I just want the sex to stop!

Best sex it can be?

Wowswers. Given that she admits to having sex with Jon to get inspired, this says a lot about her sex life. It must be so bad. That, and her talent for porn is very much lacking. I know there's that saying, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again." but in this case, it's "skydiving and writing porn is not for you."

Danse Macabre may well threaten to break me. I can feel my brain starting to seep out of my nose just thinking about dealing with this particular scene.

I always feel a certain performance anxiety for the men the first time. My words are all they have to defend their honor, and their technique. Some of the male characters will let me make them short, or not absolutely gorgeous, or amazingly endowed, but they all insist inside my head that they be good in bed. I can't blame them, but it does make a writer's job hard, sometimes.

That's not performance anxiety, that's sheer mind-numbing terror at having to sex up Anita.

I don't think the male characters have any choice about being short - they're all exactly, or almost Anita's height. They're all soft, pretty men - the last not absolutely gorgeous one was Damian, thanks to his broken nose, but he was still a raging hottie. but you fucked that one up, didn't you, Laurell? Anita's sex-fu POWAH of prettification! So amazing, it'll make you into an affeminate girlie-man with just one orgasm!

And it'd be nice if one of them wasn't good in bed. It's okay to be not as great as the other guys. They may insist that they're good in bed, but the reality is that they may not be. It's okay to let that happen. Really. We'll all understand.

Sometimes I buy into Anita's emotions so deeply that her terror at loosing her loves, spills over to me. Sometimes I have to get some distance and remind myself that her sorrow is not mine, her losses, not mine. So real, sometimes, she seems to me.

Step away from the word processor. Please.

harpergrey has pointed out that it gives authors a bad name. I totally agree. This is kinda why I keep my writing blog separate from my main one, because I don't want people to think that I'm some psycho that doesn't know the difference between fantasy and reality. I like to discuss my characters in terms of what they think and how they'd act (I had a wonderful problem a while back trying to get some development done, and make a character super cool, only he didn't want to go that way and remained dorky, so I had to sit there and figure out a way for him to evolve in a more natural and dorky way so that it wasn't OOC or Sueish) - but will I openly discuss this with non-writerly people? Not really. I can with people that know me and my writing rather well, they understand that I'm not psycho if I start ranting on about such and such being a dork, or I have a small freakout because things are falling into place in a way that I never really planned for and it's all working out in new and exciting ways. I can feel for my characters, but I know when to disengage and focus on the outside world, or switch to something else that I know needs work.

LKH, please, get help. You're wayyy too attached to your characters. Kill some. You'll feel much better afterwards.

Hell, I bought a present for Nathaniel the other day. I started to talk myself out of it, I mean I'll never be able to give it to him, he's not real. But I bought it anyway, because I wanted to, and I could see the smile of pleasure on his face when I gave it to him. I used to fight myself when I saw something and thought would this, or that, imaginary friend love this. I thought how weird, how psychotic, to feel that the characters are that real. But you know what, I've stopped fighting with myself and take it as a sign that the character has become that real to me. It's a gift, not a curse. Most of the time.

No, it really is psychotic. You can't give a gift to Nathaniel, because he's not real. So, don't buy it. If the character has become that real, you really, really, really a break and some help back to reality. I know that when I'm shopping, I might see things that my characters would love, but will I buy them? No, I can't usually afford it, or I know it's not me. I can still love it and want it, but I still know what I'd prefer over what they would.

Besides, in a fictional world, you can give Nathaniel anything he wants. Including a personality and a mind of his own. Try it sometime.

I've already bought the penguin calendar for next year for Anita. The one character that I don't buy much for is Jean-Claude? Why? Because if I'm spending that much money on jewelry the man has got to be real flesh and blood. Jean-Claude's okay with that, he'd rather have me have Anita give him the jewelry anyway. I'm working on it. She's just not as comfortable with it as I am.

I...don't think I want to know about JC and his bling. He doesn't strike me as the bling type. It's sad enough that Anita gave Nathaniel a string of pearls, does that mean JC's going to get the matching purse and shoes? Maybe a nice gold padlock bracelet and matching hoop earrings? Can the man get any girlier if he tried?

I guess we'll find out in the next installment of Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter.

If this book doesn't spell the end of her career, I will be surprised. Incubus Dreams drove off a good portion of the long-time fans, and I don't believe the rabid fangirls have the staying power to support the porny turn of it all. There's the train-wreck factor to consider, and the neurotic completist people that want the whole set, but...no, I think most of the main fan base will leave and turn to Kim Harrison, Kelly Armstrong, L.A. Banks, Poppy Z. Brite (ps, dear Borders, Poppy Z. Brite doesn't belong in the Z section, it goes with the Bs.) Jim Butcher...

>:\

Comments

[idkmybffironman.livejournal.com]

- Hell, I bought a present for Nathaniel the other day. -

I just... I have no words. *backs away from the crazy*

[dwg.livejournal.com]

If that doesn't scare off the readers, then the book surely will.

On a side note, I love the animation that icon comes from. So very writerly.

sex-fu.

[magdollna.livejournal.com]

OMG just on the use of the new word sex fu I give you 230 bitch points and a no prize. I laughed my ass off .

Mags
off to spell Harder.. err ardure errr ( gets a damn dictionary ) ardeur!

Re: sex-fu.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

I think I coined sex-fu back when I was reading Incubus Dreams and I found out that everything that's OMGEVIL can be beaten back by Anita having sex.

Fear wench driving everyone mad with...fear?
Just have sex. She won't understand what it is, and flee.
Damian gone crazy and rampaging the house again?
Just have sex. It'll strengthen the bonds, and provides porn for everyone else.
Nathaniel huffy?
Just have sex. It'll make him feel better.
Attacking a client because she's an overemotional twat in denial?
Just have sex. Nobody in the office will know.

It's like a Master Card ad gone horribly wrong.

Re: sex-fu.

[magdollna.livejournal.com]

I have just one last question remember when Anita demanded faithfulness from JC and he didn't even play with him self? what the fuck kept him alive or all of them for that matter why didn't Richard get sucked dry and Anita metaphysically? I think as LKH decided to go on a jog down her slutty side she took poor Anita with her. Now she is justifying it with this shit.

mags
Its the boogie man lets fuck and scare it.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

JC can still feed from a crowd - which is why he's in Guilty Pleasures a lot. But from ID, when Anita figured out how to do it, she found it wasn't as good as direct feeding from a person.

I kinda remember that bit you're talking about, and it's...zuh, later. Bloody Bones, Blue Moon...something that's got a B in the title. But from what I remember, JC was allowed some self enjoyment.

Still, it's a valid point and yet another argument for character sheets.

Re: sex-fu.

[saadiira.livejournal.com]

OT..but...COMPLETE icon love!

[windiain.livejournal.com]

Whenever I think I'm going mad, I like to read this stuff to remind myself that I really am quite sane.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

It's all right. You're safe now. You're with us.

[dragon-mouse.livejournal.com]

"*screams again* Let them die! Let them die! Let the damage stick! I beg you, please! Spare me from the literal and metaphysical porn! I don't think I care about plot any more, I just want the sex to stop"

"[Comic Book Guy] Worst. Plot. Device. Ever. [/Comic Book Guy]"

Amen. *shakes head*

[dwg.livejournal.com]

There's probably a worse plot device out there somewhere, in the depths of fanfiction - but I don't want to find it.

Your icon!Langly looks how I feel right now.

[harpergrey.livejournal.com]

There's probably a worse plot device out there somewhere, in the depths of fanfiction

You say that, but do you really believe it? *g*

Well, at least she hasn't done bad!slash or *squicks* incest yet. (Has she? *fearful look* If not, let's all pray to our various gods that she never never does.)

Still, at this point, the novels have pretty much become bad fanfiction of themselves. I agree with the whole have-characters-die concept. Because people die, even people we care about -- in fiction, especially people we care about. And the gods know, Anita's freakin' harem needs some pruning, sharpish.

Though honestly I think it's become a case of too little, too late. Even if LKH were to kakk off a few of the boytoys (yeah, we all know how likely that is if she's buying them prezzies and getting the warm fuzzies when they give her imaginary smiles), it wouldn't snap the characters out of the stupor of two-dimensionality (look Ma, I made a word!) that they've degenerated into. Something severely apocalyptic might... Land of the Dead, Anitaverse-style? Nah -- she'd just end up screwing all the zombies, who would probably have been raised by her in the first place (during sex, natch).

Her antics (Anita's, LKH's, whatever) used to amuse me. Now they mostly just piss me off. She's keeping the rest of us from being taken seriously, demmit!

*wanders off to find some good Weiss Kreuz smut in order to cleanse brain*

[dwg.livejournal.com]

Fanfiction (specifically, the bad!slash) and Anne Rice has taught me that you should never underestimate the stupidity of what authors are willing to do.

I believe that there may well be worse out there in cyberland, but a little more skeptical about finding it on the printed page.

An apocalyptic Land of the Dead thing (omg, am I the only one that saw footage of New Orleans under water and started to flash back to the zombies climbing out of the river?) thing would be awesome if it weren't for the whole, "Bah, I'm a necromancer. You, zombies - die now. Yes, now. Except you, you're studly." thing that'd probably happen. Besides, the zombie phenomenon is a man-made-magic thing, not a virus in the 'verse. *foo. pouts*

Though, I'd settle for just a heap of stuff concluded. Very much concluded. I shall now refer you to a rant I wrote the other day about the whole Micah thing.

Where six authors can fit six novellas into one novel - LKH, what's your excuse? (http://www.livejournal.com/users/dwg/421891.html)

[pith]

I... I....

It's getting to the point where I don't want to even discuss writing anymore, for fear of sounding like She-Who-Should-Not-Be-Published.

Makes Baby Jesus cry? Absolutely. Hell, I'm sure Aphrodite is weeping, seeing her specialty being used so heinously.

[harpergrey.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think the Baby Jesus is spurting blood from all his pores at this point.

I like the new icon, btw. ;)

[dwg.livejournal.com]

Maybe we can start a group, or something, where we can say, "Look, we're not crazy, but we like to talk about our writing and characters and the like. OMG DON'T JUDGE US!" *runs and hides under desk* kind of thing. I know I've got olihin_xe as a support centre for writers with advice and tips, but...somewhere where we can just vent whatever's going on...

...I think I might do that now. Office stuff can wait a few minutes.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

Created!

writerly_things

[pith]

I was just thinking of making a writer's support group this morning =) harpergrey is awesome and listens to my rambles, but a group would be groovy.

(Of course, I'm paranoid, so I'd probably limit it to a certain cluster of genres and make it invite-only for a while, so everyone felt comfortable....)

[missrogue.livejournal.com]

My thoughts exactly...

Especially the domestic arrangement that is already screwed to hell. Literally in fact.

Two words: write. better.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

OMG UR MEANZ!

Apparently there's nothing wrong with her talent. It's just too fabulous for our mortal minds to comprehend, and we're just all seekritly jellus of it all. Oh yes, and we're all masochists that seekritly love the series so much, but we're in denial so that's why we say mean stuff. Yes. That's it. Totally.

There's nothing here that a few thousand volts, some sharp, pointy objects administered at great force or some sort of editing superhero can't fix.

[tsula.livejournal.com]

I'm so going to have fun ripping this book to pieces.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

You an' me both. :D

[tsula.livejournal.com]

with all the hints she's been dropping a tag team may be required. if only to spare some eye bleeding

[dwg.livejournal.com]

Possibly, though it'd be interesting to compare notes along the way.

[oohasparklie.livejournal.com]

I really wouldn't mind if she let Damian die in the coffin. I find him to be the most boring character she's created so far. And dude. That's saying a lot.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

I know I've been claiming that he isn't actually a character - all he does is show up, provide whatever's needed for the scene (at first it was infodump, then it was freakouts) and then buggered off from whence he came. But from the fanfic and RPG stuff I've been around, he can be written incredibly well. Alas, not by the author that created him.

[nanale.livejournal.com]

One question: How can she use Requiem to save Damian when he's in danger during the day? IIRC, he's the only day-walker or are now all "her" vampires independent from the night?

[pasdeschiens.livejournal.com]

"wangst" <- coolest. term. ever.

she's gone blotto

[klmorgan.livejournal.com]

(underlined emphasis mine)

This:

So Anita and I both understand the necessity of adding a new pomme de sang now that Nathaniel is her animal to call, but who? Who won't screw our domestic arrangements all to hell?

And this:

She and I have just come to a point where we'd like to try and make it work with the men we already have in our life, and not add.


I have no words to express the depth of my disgust.

And Requiem's power. Is she for real? Or has she been watching too many cheesy pornos to get "in the mood?" It sounds like something out of Lord of the G-String.


I always feel a certain performance anxiety for the men the first time. My words are all they have to defend their honor, and their technique.


In that case, I would have pity on them. If they were real people. As they are NOT, I am saddened and nauseated to see that LKH has become a badfic writer with no characters but Sues.

Seriously, I've seen 12-yr-old fanbrats with more rounded characters.


Some of the male characters will let me make them short, or not absolutely gorgeous, or amazingly endowed, but they all insist inside my head that they be good in bed.


Will let you? Will LET you? *facepalm*

(And I love the caveat: "some." Jesus crackers.)


I can't blame them, but it does make a writer's job hard, sometimes.


Thing is, she's not a writer anymore. She's a pornmonger. With defective wares.


Sometimes I buy into Anita's emotions so deeply that her terror at loosing her loves, spills over to me. Sometimes I have to get some distance and remind myself that her sorrow is not mine, her losses, not mine.


NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.

... usually I try to give LKH some leeway. I vent, but in my heart, I think: "It can't really be all that bad. She's written some fun, funny books. This is just a phase, and when she returns to form I will happily eat all my bitter words towards her."

But I honestly can't see her going back from this point. Even if she does pull herself out of the Porn Pit of Despair, I don't think the books will ever be the same. They can't be. All the normal, imperfect characters have either disapeared (Willie, Louie, Zebrowski, Catherine) or mutated (Richard, Dolph, Ronnie). And those were the characters I cared about; not the supernaturally pretty pygmies: Micah, Nathaniel, fuckinRequiemWickedTruth (it hurts to even type the names). Whatever happened with Monica's baby? What's RPIT doing without Anita?

*sigh*

I really, really liked the idea you put forward -- the wondering of what the series would have been like from the perspective of Anita as a lawyer, dealing with all these cases from a legal standpoint. That was what I really loved out the older books: the integration of the supernatural into everyday life.

And it keeps gnawing at me what the series would have been like with Phillip fron Guilty Pleasures in Richard's place. I liked Phillip. He was flawed and human, but still managed to do good.

M'gonna go mourn a little for potential lost.

Re: she's gone blotto

[klmorgan.livejournal.com]

Addendum:

KIDNEYTHIEVES! Yay!

[dwg.livejournal.com]

Yes! Yay! I need more of their music.

[saadiira.livejournal.com]

Get rid of Nathaniel. That would be the best plot twist ever. Hell, Keep Damien. The most interesting thing in the last book, until she had to go and screw him, involved that character. Maybe she could..you know..develop him? Oh wait..we're talking about LKH...sighs.

Requiem..of the unzip for orgasms... Gods, your line on him BEST EVER.

-Dira-

[dwg.livejournal.com]

I can blame mercy for my attachment to Damian. She's so damned good.

[firesongvx.livejournal.com]

This is just...wow. I mean, really, *damn*. I'll have to make some more intelligent comments after I've recovered from the jaw-dropping WTF-ness.

Y'know that therapist Nathaniel was recommending for Ronnie in the mind-numbing preview of DM? Yeah. I'm thinking that someone *else* might need that business card as well. Since she can actually communicate with fictional people an' all. ;)