Snark: The Harlequin, chapters 25-27

[sharkbytes.livejournal.com]

Good evening, lashers!  Here we go with chapters 25 through 27 of The Harlequin, all snarked up and ready to rip in to.  As always, the disclaimer:  LKH quotes are in bold, my own snide comments in regular font.  If you'd like to read the previous chapters, simply click on the tags.  

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

 

 

In chapter 24, Anita had woken up in the hospital after her girlysex virtual reality dream with Belle. She had asked Dr. Lillian to send in Asher and the other vampires to discuss what to do about Jean-Claude's coma possibly draining them all to death, and instead, our favorite sociopath strolled in.

 

Anita takes a moment to marvel at how Edward's appearance, "the end product of a few generations of WASP breeding" enabled him to "fit in in so many places." His expression is completely still, and his eyes were as "cold as a deep winter sky." Anita notes that Edward turning up at her bedside used to mean that he was planning on killing her, but now it meant that she had a safety net. Finally, he speaks, and he kids her a bit about not being able to "stay alive for just a few more hours." Anita says that she's still alive, and Edward points out that they had to "restart [her] heart twice."

 

Dr. Lillian doesn't appreciate Edward worrying Anita while she's still in a weakened condition, and Edward doesn't even bother looking at her as he informs her that Anita "likes the truth" and that, according to the vampires he talked to outside, they don't really have time for him to go into an entire speech about what's going on. Anita asks for the pertinent information, and Edward warns her not to interrupt as he fills her in.

 

Apparently, while Anita and Belle were exchanging fake bodily fluids, the vampires and shapeshifters put their furry little heads together and came up with a plan that "will net the most power for [Anita] to feed into Jean-Claude and Richard in the shortest amount of time." Not being one for listening, Anita interrupts to ask Edward why he doesn't tell Asher or someone else this info, and Edward gives her the cold-eyes and chastises her for interrupting. I'm pretty sure there isn't anyone else in the Anitaverse that can actually put Anita in her place the way that Edward does with just a look. It's just my opinion, but the books started to take a downturn the second Edward left town, because he's the only character that Anita feels embarrassed around. She's always wanted his approval, as he represents what she simultaneously wants to be and is terrified to be.

 

 

Edward goes on to say that he's not a big fan of the plan, and that he's positive that Anita will hate it, but they'd be hard pressed to come up with a better one. It seems like Anita loses a bit of her contrary nature when Edward's around, because instead of arguing or putting up a fuss, she simply asks him what it is.

  

Apparently, the best that these guys could come up with was for Anita to feed on the head of another animal group, thereby feeding on all of their people and getting enough energy to heal everyone.  This definitely sounds like something Micah would come up with.   Without Asher and Richard there to call him a moron, he probably delighted in coming up with a completely ridiculous scheme.  Edward doesn't seem freaked out or judgmental, and Anita silently thinks that she loves Edward, but only in a "guy-buddy sort of way" because not only would he "never fail" her, but he'd never "fuck with [her]" either.   Someone should tell Edward to take out a floater policy on his skank insurance, because bad things happen to guy-buddies of Anita.  Just ask poor Rafael. 

 

 

Edward recommends feeding on the swans, and Anita's a bit taken aback, since that would mean sexxing up Donovan Reece. She claims she "never thought of him in that way," but we all know better. She adds that there are other groups that are more powerful in St. Louis. Edward is amused at her reaction, and reminds her that she "knocked most of the wererats cold" when she fed off of Rafael.  Right, and by her own admission, raped all of his people.  Anita is surprised to hear that, and then she remembers Jean-Claude's voice in her head "saying no when [she] went back for that last bit of energy from Rafael." She says that she didn't mean it, and Dr. Lillian just says that she's awfully lucky that it didn't affect her.

 

 

Anita wonders aloud why Dr. Lillian hadn't been affected by the power surge, and Dr. Lillian appears to be a bit sad, but says she doesn't know. I'm pretty sure it's because LKH didn't realize her only preternatural doctor was a wererat, and had to come up with some half-assed reason why she wasn't power-drained. Edward interrupts and says that they haven't got time to discuss all of this, and defends the choice of the swans by saying that since the rats are still out of commission, it would be pretty stupid to do the same thing to the hyenas, who are the only other guards they have. Naturally, Anita's mind focuses on the sex first, and she agrees with the plan, only because "Narcissus is sooo not on [her] to-do list."  And really, she must be joking.  If Narcissus came over in his corset and stockings, she'd be on all fours and doing her best impression of Shenzi, the hyena from The Lion King. 



Edward smirks and laughs a little, saying that he's finally met Narcissus, and he wouldn't want to have sex with him either. Oh, Edward. You're pretty much made of win. However, he does give Narcissus credit for giving them all the hyenas they had asked for. Once again, Edward has to remind Anita that time is of the essence, and he asks her if she trusts him. She says that she does, and he tells her that he's already taken care of the defenses. So basically they're waiting on Anita to sex everyone back to health. Anita is a bit hesitant because "there aren't that many swanmanes in the city," and she does have a point. In fact, I was pretty sure Donovan and Kaspar were the only ones. Edward explains that they asked the werelions first, but their Rex, Joseph, refused to help.

 

Anita is stunned, because she's "bent over backward for the lions." Well yes, as well as frontways, sideways, on all fours, and at one point, in a reverse cowgirl position. She also has personally saved Joseph's life. Edward just shrugs and says that Joseph refused because his wife wouldn't allow him to have sex with anyone else.  The sheer nerve of that woman!  Forbidding her husband to put on a pair of gum boots and trek through the perilous Crotch of Doom?  J'Accuse, Lions!  For once, Anita is too shocked to make even a stupid comment.  She repeats aloud, "the lions would let the vampires die," and she shares a look with Edward that lets her know that they "were thinking the same thing." She vows that the "lions would suffer for this," and calls them "ungrateful bastards."

 

 

Still, Anita isn't quite sure if the limited amount of swanmanes will be enough energy, and Edward tells her that it just so happens that Donovan is "king of every swanmane in this country." How conveinient! At any rate, there's a bit of an infodump about the responsibilities of the Swan King, and how Donovan relies on the Coalition to protect his St. Louis Swans while he's traveling about taking care of business. Since Anita and Micah's Coalition helps him out, he doesn't mind taking one for the team.  Last time I checked, all the coalition did was pick up drunk werewolves.  Since when did they become swan-sitters? 

 

 

Edward says that Donovan gave up "a lot of intelligence" when he told him about how many swans there were in the country. There's a lot more than anyone knew about, and Anita is concerned that once the job is finished, Edward will use the information "if [he] ever got a contract from someone who wanted [him] to go swan hunting." Edward promises Anita that he won't, and she makes him further promise that he won't use any information about anyone in the coalition. Since that includes the lions, Anita gleefully informs him that once they kick the lions out of the coalition, anything is fair game.

 

Edward gives Anita a "cold, pleased smile" that said "the monster was home, and happy to be there." He agrees to take care of the business at hand first, so long as he's allowed to exact some revenge on the lions.

 

 

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

 

This chapter is annoying, but I had to include it because it contains two of the biggest, most ridiculous LKH blunders in history.

 

Anita's still in the hospital, thinking about the vampires that will die without her help. She actually mentions Willie McCoy, who we haven't seen in a LONG time, "the love of his life" CANDY, and Avery Seabrook, from the Church of Eternal Life. Too bad Willie's girlfriend is Hannah, manager of Danse Macabre, who he used to call "Angel-fangs" back in Burnt Offerings.  And I haven't the foggiest idea why she's reminiscing about Avery Seabrook, since he's only been featured in Incubus Dreams, and that's when she was trying to kill him. Inconsistencies aside, by the power of Greyskull sex, Anita resolves not to let any of them die.

 

Shapeshifters start entering the room, and the first is Donovan. He's tall, pale, and good looking in a "clean-cut sort of way." While she's checking him out, Anita realizes that Donovan "hits the radar as food," rather than "food for the ardeur." Which is a bad thing, because she's "wondering what [his] blood would taste like going down."

 

The next person to enter is Sylvie, who for those of us who have forgotten, is Richard's Freki, or second-in-command. There's a brief info dump about how Sylvie would be beautiful if she'd put some makeup on, and how tough she must be to have fought her way up the werewolf ranks.  And once again, Anita proves herself a complete hypocrite, since she used to eschew makeup in favor of spine sheaths and holsters.  



Anita mentions that she had challenged Richard once, because Sylvie "had the will to win, the will to kill, and there are fights when that will win the day over superior strength." Unfortunately for Sylvie, Richard answered the challenge and beat the crap out of her. He "hurt her badly," and in doing so lost "a piece of himself that he'd never get back." At any rate, Sylvie speaks up and says that she was worried that Anita would see Donovan as food, because Anita "is like a new lycanthrope" and that since she's out of control her beasts could smell Donovan as prey.

 

Sylvie's solution for the problem is to declare oral sex off-limits. Seems reasonable, which is a tall order in the Anitaverse. More people start shuffling in, some of which appeared "too young to be standing there." This reminds Anita that she wants to talk to Claudia about putting an age-limit on the guards, because she'd voted out Cisco for being eighteen, and would prefer it if the rest of the guards were older as well.  Seriously, where does she find guards that are teenagers?  Does Jean-Claude drive around St. Louis in a utility van full of candy? 

 

Anita looks around for Asher, but Requiem is next to enter, who informs her that Asher isn't awake yet. London arrives too, and there's an infodump for those of us who were too annoyed with Danse Macabre to remember this miserable idiot's existence. I'll sum up and say that London is perfect food for the ardeur, but has the unfortunate side effect of becoming instantly addicted. He tells Anita that everyone's there "to see that [she] does not eat the swan king for real."

 

Jason pops in and gives Anita a hug, and he seems extremely upset and worried. His voice "was thick with tears" and Anita is a bit freaked out, and isn't sure what to say to him because his reaction "was more than a friend's reaction." Then she realizes that Jason isn't worried about HER, he's worried about his Ulfric and his master, who are both practically dead.  Wow.  It seems like the only thing in the series that's bigger than Anita's crotch is her ego. 

 

Jason explains that he's there just in case Anita's wolf rises up. Anita's confused, because she thought that was what Sylvie was doing there. And Sylvie explains that it's "nothing personal," she just "doesn't do women." That's right. Sylvie, the LESBIAN WEREWOLF, who is happily partnered with Gwen, doesn't do women. There are no words. I'm sure this sort of thing happens all the time to other writers. Except that it generally doesn't, when one is organized and thoughtful about the work they produce. Not to harp on the issue, but really, she's the second in command who has has a major role in past books. How hard is it to remember a gay werewolf? I bet somewhere, Remus Lupin is whispering into the universe, "it's harder than you'd think, sharkbytes!"

 

 

Of course, the circle of fools wouldn't be complete without Micah, who comes bounding in covered in blood. He kisses Anita, and warns her not to "reach out to [Jean-Claude and Richard] with power." Anita sees the fear in both Micah's eyes and Jason's, and it dawns on her that "it's not just the little vampires that the energy is supposed to save." Micah informs her that if there isn't enough energy, Jean-Claude could die at dawn and take both Anita and Richard with him. Of course, it's the Anitaverse, so nothing is definite, but everyone's a bit scared.

 

Finally, Edward strolls up and tells Anita not to die, because "the other bodyguards would never let [him] live it down." Anita asks him to wait outside, because she really doesn't want to have sex with him in the room. I could kiss her ass in the middle of Central Park for that, to be quite honest. There are some things Edward should never see, and Anita trying to have sex with a guy who actually molts feathers is one of them. He agrees, and takes her hand and promises that if she dies, "the Harlequin will pay for it."

 

 

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

 

It's finally ardeur time, and Anita stops fighting against it. She says that she has to "unleash" it, and then thinks to herself that the ardeur is like "something on a leash." I have to transcribe this next sentence exactly as it was written, because it was just way too funny: 
"Something on a chain, yeah, a chain with a leather collar at the end of it. Yeah, something leather and metal studded, and tight." Like, yeah, that's so deep and metaphoric, yeah. Tight leashes, yeah. *eye roll*

 

Donovan is ready to roll, but he first asks the guards turn around while he and Anita have sex. Personally, I think he really doesn't want the other guards to see him thrusting away into the Crotch of Doom with feathers flying all over the place.  She's like a moped--fun to ride, until your friends see you on one.  But Anita is convinced that it was a matter of privacy.

 

Donovan strips "like a pale, white dream" and of course Anita has to go into a flowery description of his peen. For those keeping a chart, which is more than I can say for LKH, Donovan's little swan is "like something carved of ivory and blushed with the first pink of sunrise." When Anita looks at it, she hears the sound of "birds calling in the night." I wish I were kidding, but she hears some odd bird noise that she at first thinks are geese, but then ultimately decides are swans.  Well yeah, he's a swanmane, exactly what sound was she expecting, giraffes?

 

Anita whispers to Donovan that her version of the ardeur gives people what they want the most, and so she asks him what he wants. He wants "not to be king," and Anita isn't sure she can do that. But she reminds him that the ardeur doesn't always work the way that you think it will, and it sometimes gives you quite literally what you'd asked for.  She mentally thinks that Donovan wouldn't be king if he were dead, but before she has a chance to worry about that, she touches Donovan's chest and feels his feathers. She forgets everything she wanted to say, and marvels at his warmth.

 

Donovan claims he doesn't have any control right now, and he kisses Anita. They make out for a bit, and they shift to get into position. Anita kisses the pulse point in his neck, and then begins to bite it. She clamps down with her teeth, and Donovan warns her that she's using "too much teeth." He picks her up and moves her away, and Anita is stunned that he has broken "the ardeur's hold." He tells her that although he isn't a predator, he's "still a king; that means [he] has to give himself to [her]," and he warns her that she "can't just take it."  Oh, really?  It's a shame this rule wasn't in effect last chapter, when Rafael was up to bat.   Continuity department?  Clean up on aisle nine. 



Anita apologizes, and Micah, who apparently is still in the room for some reason, takes it upon himself to pipe in that Anita can't help it.   But naturally, Micah would say that, since he's been guilty of the exact same thing.  At any rate, gnawing on Donovan's neck put a damper on pretty much everything, and the guards are discussing how to keep Donovan safe in case Anita tries to tear his throat out. Requiem recommends Donovan hold Anita down, and that doesn't seem like the best plan. Micah suggests that they all help Donovan hold Anita down, which means "gangbang" where I come from. However, the ardeur spreads through touch, and Remus isn't too keen on getting involved. Before anyone can come up with a good solution, Anita starts to feel the ardeur again, and she immediately ignores the advice of everyone in the room. She starts kissing Donovan again, and she bites his lip until it bleeds. He shifts for position yet again, and we get the obligatory: "Fuck me, Donovan."  Brace yourselves, lashers, for it is about to get very messy. 

 

 

Much like with poor Rafael, Donovan sees Anita's eyes and whispers that they look like "blue flame." There's thrusting, moaning, and groaning until finally there's orgasms all over the place, and Anita is feeding on the swans. It was a "glorious rush of power," and it was enough to wake up Jean-Claude and Richard. Somehow, Anita feels "moonlight and wings" and the ardeur takes Richard's power and channels it through Anita. It isn't explained very well at all, but since Richard has the power to bring beasts, this little power surge brought Donovan's beast.

 

This is by far and away one of the most unintentionally funny scenes in AB:VH history. Donovan is in bird-form now, but he's still on top of Anita while blood leaks out of his mouth and his eyes turn "solid black." He screams a swan-scream and starts fucking her all over again. All Anita could see was feathers, that were apparently "covering [her] like a blanket." She struggles to see, catching glimpses of the beak and the long neck. He pins her down by her wrists like a Tysons chicken as he thrusts his feathery swan-peen repeatedly, with his wings beating the air. There's two more orgasms for our intrepid heroine, and after he's done, Donovan flies away on his wings!  Talk about love 'em and leave 'em. 

 

So, birdsex. Granted, it isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened. In fact, it's one of the oldest tricks in the book--there's a Greek myth somewhere about Zeus being disguised as a swan and having sex with a Spartan, which conceived Helen of Troy. And I do have to give LKH a smidge of credit--swans are one of the only types of birds that actually have a penis. Although that might just be dumb luck as opposed to careful research. But honestly, the mental image of a GIANT BIRD flapping his wings and mounting the Crotch of Doom is something that has seared a part of my brain. Birds of a feather, indeed.   

Anita's slumped over, and a single lone feather lands on her stomach. It flutters away and lands next to the used condom on the bed. How poetic. Out of nowhere, Jean-Claude's voice is whispering, "Je t'aime, ma petite." Anita whispers that she loves him too, and dawn arrives and he dies for the day. Quel romantique. Nothing like a little bird sex to show someone how much you really care.  I'm sure Hallmark is kicking themselves for not putting out a card to convey that sentiment.

 

Naturally, all the other vampires follow suit, dying for the day, which means that there's daylight hours to go Harlequin-hunting. Anita thinks about her options--during the day, "the humans were in charge," and she's the "top human in [their] city." She knows the guards, with the exception of the wolves, will follow her orders rather than Richard's because of his "self-loathing," which doesn't make all that much sense. That was such an unnecessary Richard-swipe...but he's still the Ulfric, which has to irritate her to no end. But she needs some "professionals" as back up, and thinks that she would "welcome any backup" that Edward "thought could handle the job."