Blog Flog, Painting the Chapel

[othellia.livejournal.com]

After the recent Darla wank, Jason's Stripper Name contest, and the "Swallowing Darkness" title reveal, I'm going to take us back a bit to a semi-recent blog. So far, LKH has compared herself to Anne Rice, Mercedes Lackey, Agatha Christie, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle... apparently her greatness is beyond all of them.



Original Blog: http://blog.laurellkhamilton.org/2008/01/painting-chapel-but-watch-out-for-trim.html
LKH in Bold and Me in Normal

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I did all eleven things on my to-do list, plus two scheduled appointments, plus a whole bunch of comic stuff that was due, plus sorted stuff on the kitchen island, and had a staff meeting. It's beginning to feel like a job around here.

Being a writer is a job?! You're expected to do work for money? I had no idea! Isn't it great that we have LKH to enlighten us all?

I'm a writer, we're supposed to spend all our time alone, being creative and morose. We're not supposed to have a staff, or have meetings, or phone conferences, or . . .

We get it. The darkity-dark gawthity-gawth of living doesn't fit in with today's society. And what does she mean that writer's aren't supposed to have a staff. It seems pretty normal to me; there's editors and PR people and the people who do the cover design and the guy who fetches donuts at 2:30 in the morning and the calendar makers...

The real world of a successful writer is just not exactly what you think it will be. It's a lot busier.

So... If I think that it's extremely busy to begin with, does that mean by LKH logic that it won't be very busy at all or even busier? On the whole... I wish LKH would just stop writing "you" and finally put in "I." I'd have a lot less to gripe about. But I also wonder, what about the imaginary world of a successful writer? Or the real world of an unsuccessful writer?

It's full of a lot more people, and more interruptions. It's a lot more like, well, work-work.

Once again, being a professional writer is a job?!? So nice to enlighten us. Then again, I highly doubt writing PWP all day is as stressful as a real job. I'd like to see how LKH would react if she had to stop writing and entered the actual workforce.

I actually have a daily planing calender this year. I've never had one before,

Oh yay! That means 366 days of research this year instead of 12! Oh wait, daily planing calendars don't have little tidbits of information on them. That means zero days of research versus 12. Aww, shucks. (And somehow it doesn't surprise me that LKH doesn't know how to spell "calendar."

Hmm... She goes on about her calendar's layout... and then talks about Blood Noir.

...but at the top of the to-do list, and so far all by itself is BLOOD NOIR. I gotta get that out of the house.

Huh? I'm not really sure what this phrase means. Is it like "I've got to get this over with" or something. Does she mean that she wants to send it out to be published already? D:

I've reached that point with the edits that I just need it out of the house.

I don't care what you think. When it comes to Anita Blake and editing, it's never going to reach that point. It should stay in the house and far away from any relatively sane person. Besides, if the book's already at that stage, why is she taking the time to hold a "Name that Stripper!" contest? I know that I should know better by now to expect logic from her but...

I always get sort of blue when I'm editing, because to me I realize the book is crap the book is done. I know everything that happens, and we're just sorting commas, and putting in research.

Hmm... Sorting commas...

LKH: Okay, now I want all you commas to look pretty, so I'm going to sort you. First, let's just sprinkle some more on for effect. Now, I want everyone to position themselves so there's equal spacing between you all.
Commas: Laurell? That's not exactly how we work...
LKH: DO NOT, CONTRADICT ME, FOR I, AM LAURELL, THE GREAT, AND POWERFUL!

And... putting in research at the editing stage...

DOES NOT COMPUTE. A problem of type 2094 has occurred. *brain breaks*

I'm like most creative types if I'm bored it's trouble. Interest me, and it's great, bore me, and I so don't care.

Oh my God. Laurell is so totally liek totally awesome. She so totally speaks to my soul. There are all these so totally boring things around her, and she so doesn't care.

I do my work, but it's grunt work, and I'd much rather be painting the Sistine Chapel, then painting the trim on a house.

Laurell, if you showed up to the Sistine Chapel with a paintbrush, the Vatican City police would have you out of there and back on the streets of Rome before you could say "arduer."

A new book is like painting the Chapel.

Because Anita Blake/Merry Gentry is right up there with one of the greatest artistic masterpieces of all time. :D

Editing is making sure you don't get the trim color on the wall color; tedious.

I like making sure the trim color doesn't get on the rest of the wall. It's like coloring on the very edge of the line and making it all... perfect. But that's just me. Though, sometimes I really want to know what her books look like before editing, just since she makes such a big deal about it.

The holidays slowed me down, and now I've fallen into the Sloth of Despond.

Despond (v) - To become disheartened or discouraged. So sloth of despond would be the laziness that comes about from being disheartened or discouraged. There were only 97 hits for the phrase on google, so I had to look up the meaning. I suppose it makes more sense than the "out of the house" thing.

Most writers know what I mean, when you just feel like you're slogging along and the book will never be done enough to be, well, done. It's the time when you either start editing when you don't need to, or when you throw your hands up and get it out of the house before it's ready.

Because LKH knows that her books are being edited when they don't need to. Either that or she knows she's publishing crap and doesn't care. Take your pick.

Either holding on too long, or sending it out like a premature baby to shiver in the cold. Either way, not good.

You know. I think limyaael had a rant about how your book is not your baby. (At least I think it was limyaael...) Either way, LKH needs to read it. And, as always, there is no on time delivery for LKH. EVER.

I'll try for some perspective tomorrow.

Aah.. I love the smell of perspective in the morning. So, how’re you doing?

For tonight, Say good night, Gracie. Good night, Gracie. (If you didn't get that joke, then you don't know your television history.)

Apparently I don't know my television history. And I don't really mind.

Comments

[kessie.livejournal.com]

*grinds teeth*

That woman.

I write, but clearly I am not one of those "creative types". And I like editing: it generally (unless you're LKH, clearly) makes the book better.

Also, I wail at the thought of research being put in at the editing stage. It should be in at one of the draft stages, but then that means LKH would have to write actual drafts of her book. :|

[manekikoneko.livejournal.com]

"Say good night, Gracie" is a George Burns joke, back from from he and his wife were alive and young. Also, in print, not funny. Smarmy sideways name-dropping, in other words.

[drho.livejournal.com]

Michelangelo spent years painting the Sistine chapel, but, if he were alive today, he would no doubt bow to the genius behind "Swallowing Darkness."

[othellia.livejournal.com]

Ah. I did a quick check on wikipedia and apparently LKH doesn't know her television history either. "Burns would always end the show with "Say goodnight, Gracie" to which Allen simply replied "Goodnight." She never said "Goodnight, Gracie," as legend has it." Of course, wikipedia isn't always reliable, but in this case, I hope it is. :D

[kethryvis.livejournal.com]

Wow, when did she compare herself to Mercedes Lackey?

I've been doing the same thing for years... basically to prove what happens when your partner becomes a "yes man" and your books go to hell :)

[last-servant.livejournal.com]

Actually, I think the Slough of Dispond is from Pilgram's Progress. I wonder how she'd feel in the City of Vanity...

And the web essay you're thinking of is by Holly Lisle, althougth Hamilton needs to read most of her rants, too.

The thing that struck me was the "morose". How can she be an unhappy writer writing a Mary Sue?

[notadoor.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty sure "Sloth of Despond" is actually supposed to be "Slough of Despond", which is a rather famous literary reference.

Dear LKH:

You are not Humpty-Dumpty. For you, words do not "mean exactly what I want them to mean -- no more, no less." You can't just interchangeably use words that have most of the same letters.

Disappointed,
Notadoor

[othellia.livejournal.com]

She didn't compare herself writing wise to Mercedes Lackey, but Darla made the connection in the recent response to "Dear Negative Readers" with the whole being threatened thing. Perhaps I should tweak it so it's clearer...

[othellia.livejournal.com]

I know the Slough of Despond is from the Pilgrim's Progress, but LKH clearly wrote the "Sloth of Despond." And based on the way she uses it, they have different meanings. And Holly Lisle? Thanks. I'll check that out.

[easol.livejournal.com]

I don't know my television history either. And somehow, that does not bother me.

Being a writer is a job?! You're expected to do work for money?

But isn't that so cold and mercenary, to WORK FOR MONEY and not for Teh Joy of writing for your fictional friends?!

We get it. The darkity-dark gawthity-gawth of living doesn't fit in with today's society.

Well, how can one be so dark and angsty and GAWTH if they have to, you know, deal with PEOPLE? Oh, the loneliness of being so very dark and misunderstood....

(Now that I have THAT out of my craw, I'd like to mention that I consider LKH to be the Avril Lavigne of the fantasy genre)

The real world of a successful writer is just not exactly what you think it will be. It's a lot busier... It's a lot more like, well, work-work.

Oh, woe and sympathy for LKH -- she is a successful writer! And she actually has to DO STUFF other than write about screaming orgasms!

Ohhhhh, it's so busy, it's almost like actual WORK! Sooooooooo hard! You actually might have to talk about something other than yourself for a whole five minutes!

I've reached that point with the edits that I just need it out of the house.

The fact that she is at "that point" and is still not finished is damn frightening. Remeber how she forgot to include a French phrase in one book?

LKH: DO NOT, CONTRADICT ME, FOR I, AM LAURELL, THE GREAT, AND POWERFUL!

PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE WOMAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN! Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Oh my God. Laurell is so totally liek totally awesome. She so totally speaks to my soul. There are all these so totally boring things around her, and she so doesn't care.

And she like, writes these guys who are SAD and stuff, cuz she's deep! Like, she gets BORED by boring stuff so she writes these hawt sex scenes which are so edgy and real and stuff...

Laurell, if you showed up to the Sistine Chapel with a paintbrush, the Vatican City police would have you out of there and back on the streets of Rome before you could say "arduer."

Followed by a rant about how mean and oppressive the Vatican is, because not only do they not approve of vampiric orgies, but they TRY TO REPRESS THE GREAT ARTISTE!

All hail Laurell, for she is the equal of Michaelangelo, one of the greatest painters in history! And he had it EASY, because she'd rather be painting the Chapel. HE didn't need to write Teh Dark And Angsty Classic Comfort-Zone-Pushing Sex Books! I hope he haunts her for that remark.

I like making sure the trim color doesn't get on the rest of the wall. It's like coloring on the very edge of the line and making it all... perfect. But that's just me.

But then, you aren't a wonderful glorious author of edgy Great Litrachoor, who likes things "messy."

[easol.livejournal.com]

Drafts? What are these drafts that you speak of?

They are presumably for the dribbling mortals who cannot get their reliable and coherent information from CALENDARS!

[easol.livejournal.com]

After all, are those artfully shaded naked covers and "Fuck me while I'm tight!" shrieks not the very essence of art?

Nah, he'd dump a bucket of paint on her head, God bless the old grump.

[easol.livejournal.com]

So she can't tell a Slough and a Sloth apart? One is a wetland. One is laziness, or a slow-moving animal. It's not like they even SOUND alike.

How can she be an unhappy writer writing a Mary Sue?

She's a GAWTH, y'know. It's a part of WHO SHE IS, being so vewy unhappy despite being a bestseller with people rushing around to cater to her whims. Being a Great Gawth Artiste means being so very unhappy and bored and depressed with the world...

Oh wait, I'm channelling my twelve-year-old neighbor.

[daphne-gateau.livejournal.com]

*cries* George Burns and Gracie Allen have been tainted. They were so cute and funny and Laurell's abused that joke. They should not be associated with this crazy blog anyway. Sorry, had to let that out.

Nothing is more annoying than any successful person/celebrity in a creative field boo-hooing about how hard their life. There are so many good writers out there who deserve the chances she's gotten. Better writers that are published but still don't have Laurell's financial success. Laurell is so self-indulgent in her whining and wank.

Esp since she goes on to explain why her books are so poorly edited. She gets bored and just decides to let them get published before they are ready. Which I think we all knew, but for her to admit it is just ... wow. Maybe I'm reading between the lines but I still can't believe she said that.

I think this is particularly obnoxious...

I'm like most creative types if I'm bored it's trouble. Interest me, and it's great, bore me, and I so don't care.

Right, because people who don't have her brains and talent are too uncreative to get bored. WTF. Last time I checked being bored was a total feeling of 'I don't care about this right now and it doesn't interest me' and everyone, creative or not, was able to play.

[gothgoddessrhia.livejournal.com]

In my rich fantasy life, Neil Gaimen walks up to LKH and decks her and says, "Do not want!" The Clive Barker shows her what is REALLY dark as Stephen King laughs manically.

Then Cthulu eats her.

Oh...wait..she'd try and boink Cthulu.

But he'd still eat her.

Works for me!

[gothgoddessrhia.livejournal.com]

Drafts are teh sux. They are for noobs who do not know the powers of the great LKH and read her endless yakfests on the interwebs.

LKH spews forth her manuscripts in full fledged perfection.

Sheesh..get with it.

[easol.livejournal.com]

Great, now I'm imagining Whorenita in Cthulhu tentacle-porn, whining about how she's a good girl who doesn't boink the Great Old Ones, right before the ardeur takes over and she starts shrieking about wet tightness.

Brain bleach please!

[unrund.livejournal.com]

I'm a writer, we're supposed to spend all our time alone, being creative and morose.

Also, drunk. Writers are supposed to be drunks and junkies. My mind is screaming at me to just forget my non-existent funds and send her a big bottle of the green fairy [absinth for those who don´t know that little nickname :p] with a note attached that reads 'Dear Laurell, if you drink this all at once the voices will speak louder and make more sense than now. An adoring fan'.
Gods, that woman makes me want to scream.

[gothgoddessrhia.livejournal.com]

As a goth, I find her quite insulting. Frankly, I have the urge to yell at her, "Cry more, Emo kid!"

Seriously...annoying.

[gothgoddessrhia.livejournal.com]

Yes, but he would STILL eat her. :) And not in the sexy way, but the gory way!

[daphne-gateau.livejournal.com]

I forgot what I was actually going to say!! lol

Her blog comparison to Michelangelo fails because he didn't want to paint the Sistine Chapel at all. He was strongarmed into it by the Pope.

Michelangelo considered himself a sculptor and painting was not his cuppa. He did paintings to make money so he could sculpt what he wanted.

Sorry Laurell, even that great artist had to WORK for a living.

[delphinapterus.livejournal.com]

How pray tell does one fall into a sloth? I don't think it would be very easy to fall into any mammal sloth or not.

television history No that's not history that's trivia.

[easol.livejournal.com]

And he still had people who had to approve his design, and he had to make concessions. The Pope wouldn't have let him just wander in and start painting cows on the windows.

[brightlyiburn.livejournal.com]

All right everybody...say it with me now...BITCH, STFU!

I'm getting pretty damn sick and tired of her speaking for all writers like she actually knows what it means to be one.

I don't know about you guys, but I for one am not "supposed to spend all [my] time alone being creative and morose". I'm supposed to spend my time writing and reading and playing games and learning Kenpo or whatever the fuck else I want to do. Gosh, I must not be a writer! Shame about all those thousands of pages...

[brandiweed.livejournal.com]

Sounds like LKH was trying to convince people she's literary and doing about as well as she does convincing people she's a good writer.