lkh_lashouts | Snark 2008! Chapters 28-32 of The Harlequin

Hey Lashers! Happy 2008 to you all! I've finally gotten caught up with The Harlequin snark, and here are chapters 28 through 32 all snarked and ready to be torn apart. If anyone is new to these, you can find the previous installments by clicking on the tags below. LKH quotes are in boldface, my own bratty commentary are in regular font. So grab something sharp, and join right in~

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

Last time we checked in on Anita and the gang, she was basking in the after-glow of birdsex. I never thought I'd type a sentence like that, but with LKH, wonders never cease. At any rate, after order is restored through sexing, Anita thinks to herself that she will welcome whatever backup Edward decides to bring with him.

Unfortunately, that fuzzy feeling only lasts about three seconds, because Anita discovers that Edward decided that our favorite serial killer Olaf would be excellent backup, along with Peter, who is still a teenager. I've been one of the few who actually wanted to see Olaf again, but Peter? Not so much. Naturally, a fight ensues wherein Anita screams, "what the fuck were you thinking?" Edward explains that Olaf is as good as it gets for this type of situation, because he's "a covert spook" and skilled with a variety of weapons, hand-to-hand combat, and explosives. Throw in a ship or a train, and he's Steven Seagal. Anita counters that his extra-curricular activity of killing "petite brunette women" leaves her ill at ease.

Edward is a tad uncomfortable, and tells her that although Olaf is a "good match for this job," he hadn't wanted to bring him either. Apparently, Olaf "feels something" for Anita in a way that Edward has never "seen him like a woman." He had threatened to come to St. Louis on his own to visit Anita, and so Edward cut him off at the pass and made a deal with him. Olaf agreed that there was to be "no serial killing" and offered to assist in the "hunt and slaughter" of the Harlequin. I hate to break it to Olaf, but if he thinks coming to St. Louis means he'll get to participate in shooting-stabbing-flamethrowing badassery, he's been sadly misinformed. When danger arrives it'll likely be up to the SeXX0rsquad, and not the people with actual weapons, to dispense justice.

There's a bit of an infodump about Olaf, and what he's been up to since Obsidian Butterfly. He works for a "government agency to help train up some of their new antiterrorist infiltration groups," which he's qualified for since he speaks several Middle Eastern languages. But sadly for Olaf, this hasn't given him time to indulge his favorite hobby of killing people dead, since he has some sort of deal with the government that as long as he doesn't "play serial killer on American soil" they look the other way. I find that logic dubious at best, but then again, this is the Anitaverse, where no fewer than 50 assbackwards things happen on a daily basis. Naturally a mere mortal such as myself could never hope to interrogate the text from the right perspective. However, the term "serial killer" is misused quite frequently in this chapter. Olaf was told that there was to be no "serial killing" in St. Louis. If Olaf kills one person in St. Louis, that isn't serial killing. He'd be a scoundrel, certainly, and a murderer most definitely. But the word "serial," by definition, refers to at least three different situations. If they hadn't specified St. Louis, then his past crimes would factor and the term would be correct. Basically, he's allowed to kill one or two people, but the second he hits a third, he's out of the clubhouse? I'm probably reading too much into this, but there you go.

Anita wonders why Olaf would have taken that particular job if it didn't allow him to do as he pleased, and Edward explained that Olaf wanted to be in the U.S. for whenever Anita needed Edward's help. Anita is scared, and Edward decides to scare her a little bit more by saying that Olaf's got some "high standards for women" and that he's probably going to have a different opinion of Anita now that she's "sleeping around."

Of course, any mention of the multitude of lovers sets Anita's hackles up, and she says,"he kills whores." Edward is quick to point out that he didn't call her a whore, and Anita whines that he did say she slept around. He matter-of-factly reminds her that she has "half a dozen regular lovers" and that she "just had sex with a new one." He asks her if there's a better way to say it, and she's forced to admit that she is indeed "sleeping with a lot of men." Zing! *golf claps* Edward, baby, you never let me down. It's one thing to subtly call someone a whore, but it takes a master craftsman to do so, and then actually get the other person to admit it based on the evidence you've provided.

Suddenly, Anita realizes that if Edward was in the hallway when she slept with birdman, so was Peter, and she's mortified that Peter might have heard any of the thrashing around that occurred. Edward doesn't bother trying to reassure her, and for that I will love him forever. He merely says that he'd figured she was a "screamer" and that Peter was embarrassed. He explains that he brought him because Peter "knew [Anita] was in trouble," and he wanted to help her because she rescued him back in New Mexico.

There's a whole bunch of back and forth, because Anita doesn't want Peter to be a part of the violence, and that she doesn't want to be a "part of taking Peter's childhood away from him." They discuss the traumatic events that took place in Obsidian Butterfly, as well as the fact that Edward isn't really Peter's father, and therefore can't tell him what to do.

Anita wants to "demonstrate that [Peter] is out of his depth," and Edward asks her not to humiliate him, because he's "sixteen and male" and also because Peter may or may not have a crush on Anita because she saved him. Of course he does...he's in St. Louis, he loves the crotch that dare not speak it's name. Edward is worried about Peter's mental health, because his view of "sex and violence is all mixed up together," since he was violently raped. He's gotten into trouble for being rough with a few girlfriends, and Edward is convinced that Peter is embarrassed about the "rough sex" and refuses to talk about it with Edward because he's afraid to be thought of as a freak. Anita tells him that "liking rough sex doesn't make you a freak," and Edward is amused as he tells Anita that it isn't his thing, because the thought of it "just doesn't move [him]."

At any rate, the conversation goes around in a circle again, and finally, Anita and Edward agree that if Olaf "gets out of hand," they'll kill him, and that Peter can stay.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

The chapter opens with a description of Peter, who like a typical teenager, has changed a bit physically since last we saw him. He's taller, his hair is a bit darker, and his shoulders had broadened. His face still looked rather young, with the exception of his eyes, which moved from "young one minute" to "cynical and cold as hell the next." He's equipped with a fake ID that claims he's Peter Black, and Anita notes that it's an especially good fake ID. Well, what did she expect? Edward's his step-dad, surely he wouldn't provide him with a badly-chalked ID that said he was a fifty year old man from Pittsburgh.

Olaf, naturally, is dressed in this season's killer couture--head-to-toe black, with leather jacket and boots. Anita is quiet, as she's a bit unnerved at the mere sight of him. Edward reminds her that they "need the muscle," and Claudia and Remus are full of questions about Olaf.

Anita is pretty sure that Nivia and Mercia, a.k.a. the Harlequin, had pretended to be Sally Hunter and Jennifer Hummel, who were the two vampires from Malcolm's church for whom Anita received warrants of execution. Olaf is tickled pink that the vampires they're to be killing are female, and he asks about their appearance. Anita informs him that they're similar to his "vic profile," and naturally, the other guards in the room are curious as to what she meant by that. Claudia demands an explanation, and Anita tells her that Olaf is a special-ops assassin and that while he's working for them as backup, "no woman of any description is to be alone with him at any time." Olaf points out that he did promise to behave, so long as he got to kill the female vampires, but Anita insists that she's approaching this little problem as though he's a "recovering alcoholic."

Claudia would like more information, so Anita asks Edward to fill her in while she retrieves the warrants from her "briefcase" that's in Jean-Claude's office at the Circus. Pardon? She carries a briefcase? How executive! I'll bet there's all sorts of interesting paperwork in there...like research documents titled "Wet and Tight: It's not just a myth!" as well as lists of every Longhair with rainbow eyes in St. Louis. Edward, Olaf, and Peter inform her that she isn't going to the Circus without them, and of course that pisses her off. Especially since Peter appeared "entirely too pleased" to be involved. Claudia chimes in that she agrees with Edward and Co. on this, and Olaf basically tells her to shut up. Anita tries to diffuse the tension between Claudia and Olaf, but fails miserably. She tells Olaf that she trusts Claudia with her life, and that he shouldn't "bitch at Claudia" if he "can't do better." There's a bit of posturing, wherein Olaf asserts that he "can do better than a woman," and Claudia asks Anita to let her "prove it." Am I alone in thinking that this would be positively hysterical?

Anita reminds everyone that time is short, and that she has warrants that are current, as well as information regarding Mercia and Nivia's whereabouts. Edward asks her how she knows where they are, and she explains that she saw "hotel stationery fall from a table" in the vision she had. The Harlequin are more powerful than the average vampire, and they'll have to do head-and-heart removal, which thrills Olaf to no end. He's thrilled enough to make a concession and agrees that if he's allowed to hunt with Anita, he'll let Claudia believe whatever she wants. Anita realizes that coming from Olaf, that's pretty huge. But Claudia, being an idiot, just has to pipe in, "I don't believe it, big man, I know it." Anita gets frustrated and just tells Claudia that Olaf "can't seem to help how he feels about women," and to just avoid him for the duration.

Finally, everyone agrees that Anita will visit Richard first, presumably to check on his condition, and afterwards, Edward will give her a lift to the Circus so she can pick up the warrants. Edward assigns Peter and Cisco to accompany Anita to Richard's hospital room, since it was "an easy, safe job."

CHAPTER THIRTY

Everyone is in the same hospital, and yet Anita still hasn't made it to Richard's room. She's standing in a hallway with Peter and Cisco, and she's pretty pissed that she has to be guarded by two teenagers. Ironically, the two teenagers are being a lot more adult about the situation than Anita. She wants to enter the room alone, but both Cisco and Peter insist that the orders were that she wasn't allowed to go anywhere alone. She tries her best to cajole Peter into giving her some privacy, and he says that although he's "sympathetic" he isn't an idiot. When that doesn't work, she tries to embarrass them by saying that she's likely to "get all emotional" with Richard, and that if she cries or they fight, they probably don't want to see that. Neither do we, quite frankly. I'm tired of all these drawn-out, darkity dark conversations about feelings. She's so emo, it's starting to border on absurd. I was having a conversation with the lovely

dwg where we discussed just how funny it would be if LKH discovered emo bandslash, because with the way her characters are being written lately, it makes total sense. I've included part of the conversation, because there has to be some explanation for the increase in emoness with every single character.

sharkbytes: If LKH did discover bandslash, I bet she'd LOVE Panic! at the Disco...it's just so her

dwg: She'd be all over Brendan Urie.

dwg: And that fabulous rose vest would turn up somewhere. and no longer be fabulous.

sharkbytes: In fact, he may well have inspired the newer, more emo Nathaniel

dwg: the roses would match the lavender of his eyes!

dwg: AND SMELL LIKE VANILLA!

Food for thought, no? At any rate, before any decision can be made either way, Soledad (the weretiger who came to town just in case Anita needed one for beast-giving) approaches the group and apologizes to Anita. Apparently, it was Soledad who shot Richard when he and Jean-Claude were fighting. She explains that she "didn't know what else to do," because it seemed like Richard "might have just torn Jean-Claude's heart out." Anita stares at her, and mulls over the fact that she probably would have frozen, because she "wouldn't have been able to shoot Richard to save Jean-Claude," and as such they probably all would have died because of the triumvirate.

Soledad is sobbing, begging for forgiveness, and Anita offers her left hand, so as to keep her shooting hand free. Soledad decides to wrap herself around Anita's waist as she continues to sob, and Anita tolerates the contact initially because "any strong emotion can undo a shapeshifter's control," but slowly wriggles out of the grip. As soon as Anita extricates herself, Soledad moves quickly, grabbing Anita and attempting to claw her throat. She then delivers one of the cheesiest lines I've ever heard: "I'm sorry you have to die, Anita." Cue the Dr. Evil laugh.

Well, gee, I never saw that coming. You mean the female shapeshifter that came to town at exactly the same time as the Harlequin turned out to be a bad guy? The TIGER shapeshifter, when we all know full well that the Harlequin are the Mother of All Darkness' bodyguards, and that the MOAD is, in addition to being a vampire, a were-sabre-toothed TIGER? Exactly how many clues did Anita need? Perhaps Soledad should have sprinkled Frosted Flakes and Harlequin romance novels over Richard's body, with a sign that said, "Marmee Noir thinks they're Grrrrreat!" I need a lie-down, myself.

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

Peter and Cisco finally remember that, hey, they're the bodyguards, and they draw their guns. Anita can't reach any of her weapons, because Soledad has her pinned, and her claws are digging into Anita's sides. Anita does manage to hold Soledad's arm from her throat, and the two are at a stalemate. Soledad warns Peter and Cisco that she doesn't want to hurt or kill Anita, but that she will if they yell for help. Cisco points out that she's already wounded Anita, to which Soledad slyly replies that the wound is just a "little prick" and that Anita likes pricks. Hee! I can't top that jab; she danced around and delivered it with the finesse of Fred Astaire.

Although Soledad has Anita at a complete disadvantage, Anita still is affronted by the comment, and through gritted teeth tells Soledad, "if you're going to kill me, do it, but don't make fun of me, too." Yeah, that makes sense. I'm sure you'll have plenty of time to mull over how unsportsmanlike the taunting was when you're busy not being alive. *eyeroll* Naturally, Soledad finds this amusing and laughs right in her face, sending off some power-flares as she does so. There's a liquid gush, and Soledad begins to shift fully into a tiger. The shift is powerful enough to be painful for even Anita, but she manages to continue holding Soledad's claw at bay. Soledad is a quick, smooth shifter, "better than Micah," and her fur is "striped pale lemon gold and white." This confuses Anita, as she thought tigers only came in orange and black. I guess little Miss Biology Major hasn't heard of the (admittedly rare) yellow-striped black tigers that were seen in Baladaghar. But those probably weren't on LKH's Tiger calendar.

Cisco decides to try a little diplomacy, and remarks that Soledad is "one of the Harlequin's animals to call." Which most people figured out quite a few chapters ago. Though it wasn't a question, Soledad answers in the affirmative, and Cisco tells her that if anything happens to Anita, she won't "make it out of here." Soledad says that she can't allow Anita to "share [the] knowledge" of where her "mistress rests in the day."

Anita lets Soledad in on the fact that she knows the names of the Harlequin, and naturally this pisses the tiger off, as it's supposed to be a big secret. She demands to know how Anita and Co. came upon this knowledge, and while they're discussing it, Cisco remains poised to shoot, as Peter doesn't have a clear shot. Remus had told Anita once that Cisco "had some of the highest scores on the gun range of any guard," but at the moment, he's uncomfortable and unsure of himself. He implores Soledad to stop what she's doing so he doesn't have to shoot her, and Peter quietly reminds him that the "rule" is that if "they have a weapon and they want to take you someplace else, it's so they can kill you slower." I'm not kidding, that exact quote was on an episode of the Oprah Winfrey show last year, a show I loathe, but apparently LKH enjoys, since she's borrowing from it. My mother insisted I watch the one about self-defense, and that was the advice given.

At any rate, Anita understands what Peter is trying to tell Cisco, and she throws her head back as Peter drops to his knees to shoot out Soledad's legs. It wasn't the best plan, because she went down while her claws were still dug into Anita's stomach, and thus tore up quite a bit of it on the way down. There's a tussle, and Soledad attempts to attack Peter. Anita keeps her off of his throat, and Peter empties an entire clip into Soledad's head. There's a huge mess, and in the midst of all this, the door to Richard's room is opened, and Anita sees him "pale as death" with some serious scarring. He tries to tell her something, but she can't hear anything since Peter fired so close to her head, her hearing has been damaged.

It becomes clear what Richard was trying to tell her, as Cisco begins shouting about Soledad's body. Finally, Anita realizes that Soledad's body hadn't "reverted to human form" the way a dead shifter's body normally does. The body "sprang up" and made a lunge at Peter and Cisco.

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

Cisco jumps in front of Soledad's claws just as Anita begins firing. She's having difficulty "trying to find a place to fire into that fur that wouldn't hit the two boys underneath it." In the midst of this, the cavalry arrives, in the form of Claudia, Remus, Edward, and Olaf.

Somehow, Peter was able to shoot a hole through Soledad's chest, while Cisco is still on the floor, sans his throat. Edward and Olaf aren't ruffled by the chaotic scene, and stand side-by-side, "like they were on a shooting range" and repeatedly fire perfect, accurate rounds into the tiger. Despite all the silver-bullet firepower, Soledad still hasn't gone down completely, which amazes Anita because she's never seen a shifter that can do that. Eventually, she realizes that Soledad is recovering like one of the rotting vampires, and she screams for someone to light Soledad on fire.

Olaf hears "fire", and it must be his Manchurian trigger word, because he takes off down the hallway. While he's gone, everyone else is running out of ammo, and since Anita's about to get clawed again, Claudia steps in and starts fighting "hand to claw" with Soledad. After a bit more scuffling about, Soledad takes off, ostensibly to warn Mercia and Nivia that Anita and her brigade of bodyguards are aware of their hiding place. Everyone scampers after her, until finally she's surrounded in a circle.

Soledad tells the group that killing her won't stop the Harlequin from doing away with them, since the "wild hunt" is still coming. Anita reminds her that they haven't given them a black mask, and as such it's against their rules to attack. Soledad isn't convinced, and says that it is "against vampire law to slay the Harlequin," to which Anita responds that she isn't going after the Harlequin as Jean-Claude's human servant, she's going after them as a Federal Marshal with legal warrants of execution. Although the warrants specify the two women from the Church of Eternal Life, Anita contends that the language is vague, and allows her to "kill the vampires responsible for the death of the victim," and that also includes "anyone who assisted in that death," as well as anyone who tries to stop her from doing so.

In the meanwhile, Olaf comes running back with a can of WD-40, as well as "a torch made of rags bound to what looked like the end of a metal mop handle." Apparently, they had an "ordnance" in the car, but he figured the janitor's closet was closer. Edward lights up the torch, and Olaf tells Anita to cover him as he moves into the circle with the torch and "his squeezy can of accelerant." Anita shoots Soledad in the face again, and Olaf stuffs the torch into the hole.

After much wailing and moaning, Soledad is finally no longer moving, and Anita calls for an axe. Where's Gimli when you need him? While she's waiting, she tells Edward that Soledad had the healing capabilities of a rotting vampire from Morte d'Amour's line. She offers Olaf the heart while she deals with the head, and before long, everything is finished. Anita's bleeding pretty heavily from the stomach wounds, to the point where there's actually pieces of intestine sticking out. When Anita claims that the injury doesn't hurt, Edward picks her up and runs down the hallway to find a doctor.

I have to give credit where it's due, this was actually a pretty cool fight scene. The kind that we used to expect from LKH that she hasn't delivered in a long, long time. There wasn't any talk about feelings, no healing-with-the-power-of-orgasms, and best of all, no Micah.