God is a Cosmic Loan Shark

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

LKH is still unhappy, and she seems to think that it's related to mourning and the teachings of her dead grandmother.

LKH is in bold type. I'm in regular.

***

I’m still in a bad mood.

That's been clear for the past six or seven posts.

I’ve begun to figure out some of the reasons.

Like writing the same series, the same book, the same characters and the same plot over and over again until you're nearly as sick of it as we are?

Mostly to do with the fact that apparently my lesson for the year is patience, and dealing with ambiguity.

Patience and dealing with ambiguity aren't the same thing. Shouldn't that be "lessons"?

And how did she determine that this was her lesson for the year, anyway? Is that what it said on her tiger calendar?

Neither of these is my best thing. I’m very impatient and I like things very black and white. No waffling; thank you.

1)What the frell is that semi-colon doing after "waffling"?

2)*sigh* A person isn't necessarily waffling because he/she doesn't perceive something as 100% good or 100% evil. Sometimes things have both good aspects and bad ones. Sometimes there isn't a good choice at all, and you have to go with the morally ambiguous choice, or the lesser-of-two-evils choice. Most of us figure this out during adolescence...oh. Well, that explains why you haven't, doesn't it?

3) Doesn't it sound as if she wants to be told, "Oh, no, no! Being impatient and wanting things to be black and white are GOOD things"?

But, if I already knew how to deal with it, it wouldn’t be a lesson, would it? Sigh.

Awww. The universe is making you work so hard to attain spiritual enlightenment.

But one thing I do when I’m feeling blue, or just overwhelmed by all the many blessings in my life. Yes, you read that right.

....

....

....

She gets overwhelmed by the fact that there's so much good stuff in her life?

I just...can't say anything here. This sporks itself.

One of my lessons is to allow myself to enjoy my success.

I thought that the good things in your life overwhelmed you. Either you've changed your mind from one sentence ago, or you don't consider your success to be a good thing. (I know which one I'm going with.)

My Grandmother raised me that God was a sort of cosmic loan shark, or hitman. If you got too happy, then God would get you!

First, that should be "my grandmother." If you were saying, "Since I was nine, Grandmother raised me," then "grandmother" would be a proper noun—a name of a person, place or thing—and you'd capitalize it. Otherwise, it's a common noun, and common nouns aren't capitalized. Honestly, woman, you make a living writing. Shouldn't you know this stuff?

Second, your grandmother raised you...what? I think that the words "to believe" are missing from that sentence.

Third, I am now picturing God as Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. "What, you think I'm funny?"

It meant that my grandmother didn’t let herself enjoy much of anything, because if you enjoyed it, then bad things happened. So when good things happened, she made herself miserable to keep God from doing it, and when bad things happened it just confirmed her dark view of the universe. Most of the time I’m all right, but every once in awhile my Grandmother’s voice fills my head, and I’m filled with fear.

Why? I mean, most people would be scared of hearing voices, but at this point, Laurell, what's one more headvoice, more or less?

Things are going too well, so bad things will happen. This kind of thinking leads some people to sabotage their lives so that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Here comes the windup. Let's see how long it takes for her to tell us that she doesn't sabotage her life, and that she's completely awesome.

I don’t do that. I work hard, and try and make things better.

Wow, just one sentence!

Leaving the part about your work aside...what do you try to make better? Certainly not your writing. You don't even believe in editing it.

But sometimes, the darkness in my head, just overwhelms.

Rather like, your ignorance, about commas.

Not the fun dark, but the night sweats.

Fun dark? You mean the books that supposedly spring from the deep dark darkity darkness of your soul? The FLUFFY darkness?

That 3:00 A. M. waking up in the dark, stare at the ceiling, with your heart pounding, and your pulse filling your throat.

I get all of this except the part about the pulse filling your throat. Apparently when you're frightened, pulses become a choking hazard--so it's far better if you don't have a pulse at all.

Nightmare, or did you really hear a noise? Or the worst of the 3:00 A. M.s; you just lie awake, convinced that everything has gone to shit, and there is no help for it, or even worse, nothing is wrong, everything is wonderful, but you are filled with an overwhelming sense of dread. I’ve been having those kinds of feelings in broad daylight.

I'm no doctor, but it sounds like she might have some kind of anxiety disorder and not want to admit it. LKH—get thee to a mental health professional, go.

By my grandmother’s rules, I should have something horrible coming.

You do, LKH. Two absolutely horrible books that even you don't want to finish writing.

I know the universe doesn’t work the way she seemed to think it does.

I feel like throwing a few dozen copies of When Bad Things Happen To Good People at her.

I know God and Goddess is

ARE!

about love more than punishment, but old habits die hard.

Wiccans and non-Wiccan pagans, help me out here. Are there concepts of punishment in your faiths? I would think there would be, but I admit I don't know.

I think, three years after her death, I’m finally starting to let myself grieve. You’d think that would be healing, but it’s not, it’s raised old demons, and I walk through my day haunted.

I don't have any problem with the "coming to terms with a death years later" concept. It's more that she sounds offended that she's not feeling blissful and joyous and confident that the world is hers.

What to do when stuck in therapy hell with your inner demons seeming to gain ground?

Therapy is hell for her now? This is new. The last thing I recall her saying about therapy was that her conscious and subconscious minds weren't separate.

And I don't think that she has to worry about the inner demons seeming to gain ground. There's no "seem" about it.

When all else fails, I donate to a rescue group, and try and help one of the pups. Today’s happy recipient of my dismal mood was Delia.

Is it wrong that I'm feeling terribly sorry for Delia?

The Mid-Atlantic German Shepard Rescue has been hit pretty hard just recently with a lot of high needs dogs.

"Mid-Atlantic German SHEPHERD Rescue," actually. According to their website, they're "dedicated to rehabilitating and providing a second chance to German shepherds and shepherd mixes that have been abandoned, abused, lost, strayed, or surrendered."

Okay. It sounds like a worthy cause. But then she gets on her soapbox...

So, if you’re wondering what you can do to make a difference in the world, donate a dollar.

Most charities have minimum donation amounts. A dollar isn't generally sufficient.

This is my charity for today, but pick a different one if you want to.

Oh, bless you and thank you for granting us permission to choose what charities we wish to donate our time and money, Laurenita.

And then we get three platitudes in a row:

You don’t have to be rich to make a difference. Remember that every million is made up of one dollar at a time. We can do more together than alone.

I have to quote a song by the political satirist Mark Russell:

Yeah, we can do it if we try--
Merely oversimplify,
And all our troubles will go away;
It only takes one slogan a day!
When an issue is discussed,
Laurell's talking down. To. Us.

Okay, it was originally "Ronnie's talking down to us." But the sentiment still seems appropriate.

Comments

[morriganscrow.livejournal.com]

What a fine flogging!
I just saw this, and was going to give it a thrashing, then thought I should check if anyone else had the same idea.
Lo and behold - someone did!
I could so hear Anita giving that "pulse choking me" speech. Probably terrified she was running out of things to stick in her cootch....

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

I'm surprised she didn't say that the pulse was spilling down her throat, rather than filling it.

I could so hear Anita giving that "pulse choking me" speech. Probably terrified she was running out of things to stick in her cootch....

Oh, God, so could I.

Question. Anita's always whining about how she doesn't WANT to have sex with all these men but she just can't help it, right? So why doesn't she just buy a few dildos and hand-held vibrators, and use those whenever the ardeur hits? Or would that make too much sense?

[suzycat.livejournal.com]

So LKH gets being darkity dark from her emo grandma? 'Kay.

[suzycat.livejournal.com]

Why doesn't she just donate a dollar to a dog shelter, I ask you?

[gwynethfar.livejournal.com]

I'm convinced that all of this darkness being inherited talk is leading up to claiming hereditary witchcraft. I'm just WAITING.

[red-rose-remix.livejournal.com]

Wiccans/Pagans: Totally depends on who you ask. The Rule of Three is a big one ("ever mind the rule of three/what you send out comes back to thee"; your actions will come full circle and hit you threefold, so don't be nasty or you'll get hit three times as hard for it). That's basically the same idea as karma, though I don't remember if karma's got a multiplicity effect.

"Pagan" is a considerably more broad spectrum than "Wiccan" and is kind of an umbrella title for anything Earth-based. It's a big umbrella, and I'm not sure all the things that are categorized as such are peopled by those who would agree with the term.

[eldestmuse.livejournal.com]

Then she couldn't steal their life energy :P

[phyrra.livejournal.com]

Not that I'm defending her, but you know, if her grandma was the way she described, it explains a LOT about her.

After going through my own therapy, my therapist pointed out where some of my habits and behaviors came from, thanks to the people who raised me :( However, I would have thought by now that she'd have shown growth and outgrown some of those behaviors, broken some of those patterns from her childhood. Kinda sad that she's not yet been able to do that.

[lovefromgirl.livejournal.com]

You quoted Mark Russell. You win.

[kerame.livejournal.com]

Her grandmother had good reason for her sadness. Apparently her husband physically abused her, then her only daughter died so young, leaving her with a little brat to raise on a tiny income.

Laurell, who claims to weep over fictional characters, resented her grandmother for continuing to grieve her daughter on the anniversary of her death, and actually had the nerve to complain about it on the anniversary of 9/11.

I feel sympathy for her grandmother, not this spoiled, selfish bitch.

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

I checked and...yeah, she did (http://blog.laurellkhamilton.org/2006/09/anniversaries.html).

I grew up with my grandmother not exactly celebrating, but remembering, my mother's death. Early August was her annual depression, her anniversary depression. I grew up knowing that it was coming, and being forced to wallow in the pain of it. I don't like anniversary depressions and I refuse to participate in this one. 9/11 has come again[.]

And this comment (http://blog.laurellkhamilton.org/2005/06/back-home.html):

Don't even get me started on having to transfer to smaller planes to do out of the way places. Going back and forth for my Grandmother's final illness and funeral is only reached by prop planes. Yippee-skippy.

And here she is talking about her grandmother's life and death (http://blog.laurellkhamilton.org/2005/05/fight-is-over.html).

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

I hadn't heard of the Rule of Three. Thank you!

[easol.livejournal.com]

I don't think karma has a multiplicity effect. The traditions differ, but basically it can be summed up as "if you do something bad, or something with bad intent, it will somehow come back to bite you in the butt." Apparently it's sometimes a cause-and-effect belief, sometimes a spiritual one.

Ooh, I learned something new -- some Christian traditions call it "Law of Cause and Consequence/Effect." I'll keep calling it karma, though -- easier to say. :) Also the Greek goddess Ananke...

[easol.livejournal.com]

Can't blame the poor woman, especially since the granddaughter in question is a total narcissist.

Sounds like she was coping with REAL LIFE (yes, Laurell, that annoying intrusion that interferes with fantasy) as best she can.

[easol.livejournal.com]

Oh please please please say it ain't so...

[easol.livejournal.com]

And because then you can't force a dildo or a vibrator to be loyal and faithful to your crotch alone.

[longtail.livejournal.com]

I can understand her badly mangled point. I too grew up thinking that I couldn't be "too happy" or I would suffer. I kind of like her "cosmic loan shark" comment.

Former Wiccan, now Zen Buddhist perspective on punishment: Generally Wiccans believe in Karma. The God and Goddess themselves don't usually "punish" people, and there is no concept of "sin" in Wicca. Karma to Wiccans is a law set by the God and Goddess is that what you put out, comes back to you. This is true for everything in the universe. If you do good deeds, good things will come to you. If you do bad deeds, bad deeds will come back to you. Usually this is said it will come back threefold or tenfold, depending on who you talk to. Different traditions and practitioners have their own views on it, but it tends to be sort of a linear way of looking at it. Do a bad thing = bad thing happens to you in return, usually worse.

Karma literally translated means "Action." In Buddhism, it is neutral, neither good nor bad, it is simply the result of your actions. Buddhism is a humanistic religion, and while there are examples of gods and goddesses within the canon and some sects worship them as literal beings, belief or worship in gods is not a focus of Buddhism. Your karma manifests in ways you won't understand or recognize most of the time, but it dictates your rebirth into higher or lower planes of existence (sometimes literal, sometimes archetypal view). If you do bad deeds, you might end up being reborn in a hell realm, if you do good, perhaps a heaven realm (there are many levels of heavens and hells in Buddhism, sometimes viewed as literal, sometimes viewed as archetypal, depending on sect and tradition). That's some of the more religious views of it. Sometimes people simply think of it as the law of Physics that action has an equal an opposite reaction (throw a pebble, it creates ripples in a pond effect). The Buddha warned not to try to figure karma out or worry about it, because it's impossible to understand and detracts from living fully in the here and now, which is what the core teaching of Buddhism is about.

Both religions advocate using good common sense, knowledge, wisdom, and compassion when going through life, because much of what you do in life has very obvious rewards or consequences, and that should be incentive enough for doing or not doing something.

[sharkbytes.livejournal.com]

I'm probably in the minority here, but I don't think this particular blog is that ridiculous. She's weird for sure, and has a lot of issues. But she did something nice and donated some of her money for dogs. Her blog is 99.99% wanky and ridiculous, but (bad grammar aside) this one isn't complaining about her characters or boasting about her cringe-worthy sex life. It's certainly emo, and a bit psychobabbly, but I feel like she's just venting a bit about having a strange upbringing. *shrugs* It explains quite a bit about her, actually.

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

Wow. Thank you! That's very helpful!

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

I thought that the "overwhelmed by all my blessings" was ridiculous. Who complains about too many good things happening?

I didn't think that her upbringing was strange, which was why I didn't mock it, except to bring up Goodfellas. The idea of extreme good luck or happiness attracting malice from gods, spirits and demons shows up in many cultures. There are sayings about it, too--"Sing before breakfast, cry before night," for example. And my grandfather, mother and aunt were much like her grandmother.

[brandiweed.livejournal.com]

You think Trinity hopes and prays the insanity skips a generation?

[frabjously.livejournal.com]

IAWTC

[dwg.livejournal.com]

O SNAP.

The "making things better" part is probably where I just want to take her aside for a hot chocolate and pet her shoulder, because it's just impossible to fix the world.

Course, she could then try to claim that her books are there to Save Your Life and that's when I'll be the Margaret-shaped blur headed to Jersey.

[rin-x-x.livejournal.com]

"But one thing I do when I’m feeling blue, or just overwhelmed by all the many blessings in my life. Yes, you read that right."

This sentence looks... odd. Am I the only person who thinks that?

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

This sentence looks... odd. Am I the only person who thinks that?

Aside from the whole "overwhelmed with too many good things" notion, she didn't actually finish the sentence. "One thing I do when I'm feeling blue"...is what?