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May. 19th, 2008 11:07 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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lkh_lashoutsThe eleventh part of Guilty Pleasures came out a couple days ago. We have gratuitous Edward peccage, magical items that appear at need, ZombiePhillip, and Anita acting like a dunce -- big surprise. Most people would be a bit humbled by the revelation that they FORGOT who had done the murders. At least there's only one more part to go.
And I'm not sure why Jean-Claude's pic is on the credits page with the various characters who ARE in this. He doesn't even make a dream cameo. Did something get cut?
Hilariously enough, Whorenita's first remark in here is, "Let's go, slow and easy." You know what this would mean later in the series, and I expected Edward to reply, "That's what she said!"
Anyway, they're cornered by a bunch of ghouls, and Edward left the machine gun in the car (isn't he supposed to always be prepared, like a killer boy scout?). So Anita shoots the chickens in the hope that the ghouls will eat them first. Or, y'know, maybe they'll do the semi-smart thing and kill the two potentially escaping humans, THEN dine on both human and chicken. Or, y'know, maybe Anita will be mobbed by a bunch of whiny Wiccans for killing teh chickies.
It turns out to be a useless tactic anyway because there's more ghouls coming (who for some reason howl like wolves) and not enough bloody chicken to go around. So Anita and Edward race off to a conveniently placed shed, although I'm not entirely sure why there's a shed placed in the middle of a graveyard. Usually such things are placed further away, if they're present at all.
Anita and Edward have another one of LKH's scintillating exchanges: "We need to block the door." "That won't hold them for long." "It's better than nothing." Edward then opines that he'd rather go with a bullet to the brain than do a real-life impression of the jerk from "Shaun of the Dead." Anita says he should save his bullets because she has matches.
Riiiiight, because it's always a good idea to set fire to a small confined space with no exit, while you are standing on it. Eddie boy says that he'd rather be shot than burned, and Anita replies, "Don't worry, I'm the author's Sue, so I'm effectively immortal and invincible. Worship my divine crotch."
Seriously, the ghouls start busting in, and Anita tosses a match at them. It immediately blazes into a HUGE fire that burns them alive -- and I'm pretty sure that even dry wood wouldn't blaze up fast enough to utterly flambe two ghouls. Edward understandably wants to know if she had a plan to get them out, and SURPRISE SURPRISE li'l Miss Sue didn't. She apparently thought a dry wooden shack exposed to the elements for a few decades wouldn't burn fast. Ooh, I feel a feminist tingle when I think of her brains.
So Anita picks up what is either a rake or a toilet plunger (it's not drawn very well) and tells Edward, "Take off your shirt. I'm so wet and tight!" Okay, not the last part. She wraps it around the rake/plunger and sticks it in the flames -- which works SO well because most T-shirts will burn long and brightly.
NOTE: Gratuitous Edward peccage here. Admire it, girls, for he is the only semi-attractive dude in this whole comic book. Rafael comes in second, hampered by the fact that he turns into a giant rat.
Anita then notices a row of gasoline cans, which a SMART person would have noticed BEFORE setting the shed on fire, and Edward also magically finds an axe. Because, of course, people like to dismember and/or blow-up corpses, so you'd find axes and gasoline in any graveyard. He proceeds to whack holes in the wall with the axe, even though a shed that old and dry should be pretty easy. I mean, my uncle had an old METAL shed, and he managed to PULL IT DOWN in ten minutes with only two not-very-in-shape men, a preteen girl and a not-very-bright dog.
Funny note: Page 6, right-hand top cell. Apparently Edward has also had enough of Anita's drooling stupidity, because he's about to take off her head with that axe.
They run out of the shack, and it explodes from the gasoline cans, which considerately wait until they're far away to blow. The one exception: the one can Anita decided to take along. A ghoul comes leaping at Anita, but she's too busy fussing with her duffel bag to notice, so Big Strong Muscular Man has to save her large ass once more. Once it's crippled, she shows her brass balls by dousing it with gasoline and ordering Eddy to set it on fire.
Funny note: The ghoul is modestly wearing shorts.
Okay, I admit that I don't know everything there is to know about gasoline, but I'm pretty sure that it doesn't just burn demurely in smaller quantities. But we cannot have something next to Whorenita exploding! It might give her an unsexy, Asher-like scar!
To remind us that she is so tough and everything, Whorenita then adds, "You're next, Zachary. You are next." Yeah, real scary. Especially from a woman so dumb he had to invite her out to TELL her he was the murderer. She also reflects that, This was the second attempt on my life in as many days. Frankly I'd rather be shot at. Ooh, how tough and ballsy she is!
Funny note: Anita and Edward are magically clean again on the next page, and Edward is wearing a new shirt. Must be the baby wipes.
Anita starts fussing and angsting about how she can't go to her own apartment, and she can't endanger any of her soon-to-be-discarded friends, boo hoo. Then her beeper goes off. It's Irving the unsexy werewolf, saying he's got an appointment with the Rat King, right before he rushes off to play the villain's role in "Nutcracker." Anita predictably starts whining about how everyone wants her to do stuff tonight, and how she's had such a long, long night and Irving should lay off.
Irving asks if she's all right, and Anita fumes, What a stupid question. No, dumbass bitch, it is NOT a stupid question. If you'd said "gruesome and terrifying," then it might be a stupid question -- but a "long, long night" can simply mean you were running from grocery store to grocery store, trying to find a carton of skim milk at 2AM, while fielding calls from an annoying ex. She IS all right, in that she isn't hurt and she hasn't got any new problems.
She then reflects, Poor Irving. He was left out of everything. He hadn't been attacked by ghouls and almost blown up, though. Of course not! He's not TOUGH and BALLSY like she is, and he has an unsexy name and job!
She rings Dolph and tells him about Zachary (thankfully off-"camera"), and then tells Eddie about her plans and how scary Nikolaos is. Edward's reply: "I love a challenge." Anita then cusses comic-style, presumably because now she looks like a wimp.
Eddie goes into Denny's, and Anita sits outside thinking random thoughts about how weird it is to be meeting wererats in Denny's. Inside she starts thinking oh-so-dramatic thoughts: Lyncanthropes. I would have bet my life on it, and maybe I was. Uh, cut the artificial drama. If they had wanted to kill her, it would have been easy to before in a private dungeon. Why would the very same rat who saved her peacefully agree to meet her in a very public restaurant, just to kill her? Idiot.
We get to see Rafael for the first time, and he is quite hot, except for his slightly shaggy Mr. Spock hair. Thankfully there are no thought bubbles about how he isn't "quite white bread" or that other racial shit. For some reason he isn't speaking with contractions, though.
Anita announces, "I want you to lead me and at least one man into the tunnels beneath the Circus of the Damned," and he very reasonably asks why he should do this for her. I suppose this is supposed to show what a tough, take-charge personage Anita is, but it comes across as ungrateful and snotty. Rafael saved her nasty ass and risked himself by meeting her, and she's lobbing demands at him as if HE owes HER.
Anyway, Anita says that he should help her if he wants his people to be free of Nikolaos' influence, and she can fix everything cuz she's a prince on a white horse... wait, that comes later. Rafael says that he can't fight alongside her; he can only hold back the rats and wererats from assisting Nikki. Which begs the question: If he can keep them from helping Nikki, what power does she have over them?
He also asks if Anita is so confident, and she replies, "Of course! I'm a Sue! Worship my Crotch!" Seriously, she says, "I'm willing to bet my life on it," which seems rather arrogant since she may also be gambling the rats' lives on it. Nikki ain't stupid; I betcha if Whorenita snuck in and attacked while a bunch of wererats sat in those underground tunnels, she would figure it out.
Rafael agrees to take her inside, and he asks if she wants some time to heal, because she smells "like death has brushed you closely tonight." Technically you wouldn't need to heal from that, but whatever. Anita makes her grumpy face and thinks about how Irving never burdens her with the supernatural powerz bit, because he works hard at being human. This man does not. From her attitude, this is a nastybadevil thing, presumably because she hates any powerz she does not possess.
Anita outlines her ridiculously simply plan to Eddie-boy, who announces cheerfully that "I love my work." Anita adds that she loves her work too, which leaves me wondering, what work is that? And after a night like that, what halfway sane person would? Oh wait, saying that sometimes she hates dirty-dangerous work might imply that she ain't tough and hardened.
Too bad she couldn't just have a heroine who acts halfway normal, like Harry in the first DF comic. He openly admits that sometimes he hates his job, because sometimes it involves nasty grotesque monsters.
Apparently she learns how to use a shotgun sometime when we're not watching, which is fortunate because I'm sick of Whorenita and her phallic weaponry. Then I went caving with the were-rats -- just a note, "caving" is actually a real word, but not one that is often used. Anita sits down there in a mining helmet thinking about how much she wants to see the were-rats shapeshift, even though it's obvious they don't want people to see.
And now that it's too late to do anything about it, she thinks, Edward was a bounty hunter, sometimes. I hoped I had not endangered these people. Well, ya should have thought of that BEFORE, Miss Cinderblock-for-brains. She adds that Lillian was a doctor without mentioning who the hell Lillian is, so we can assume Lillian is one of the wererats. I assume she's the female wererat in the ragged flood-victim dress and the big backpack.
Louie gives them some basic touristy info about Cherokee Caverns until Rafael tells him to shut his rattrap. Then Rafe tells them that they're there, and adds, "I have delivered you to the devil's door. Do not thank me for that." Help! Hot Hispanic ratdude has been infected by the pompous virus!
Anita then gets all whiny because they passed where Phillip was killed, and then angry because Edward tells her to stop daydreaming and pay attention. To emphasize that she's scared, Anita says that she could taste my heart in my throat. Even if your heart somehow made it up to your throat, which sounds painful, it's very difficult to TASTE anything that is in your throat. Lack of pharyngeal taste buds and all that. Ooh, maybe I'll use that line in my amazon review.
Anita then starts rambling about knights and armor and dragons, before trying to give us a sense of foreboding by saying that the place was quiet. As the cliche goes, too quiet. She adds to the cliche by saying that she has a bad feeling about this... wait a second, she says, "This is too easy" and Edward says something will go wrong soon.
Sidenote: you know, I'm never sure why vampires in these stories never have some kind of padlock on their coffins. With busty penis-envying Sues waltzing in, you'd think that they'd want precautions -- lock mechanisms from the inside to keep them from being opened, or an outer lock that the human servants have the keys to.
Anita tries to describe even more sensations by saying that there was a neck-ruffling smell to the room. It caught at the back of my throat, and tasted faintly metallic. It was the smell of vampires. No, that metallic-tasting thing catching at the back of your throat is dental equipment. Seriously, what the hell is that smell supposed to be? It doesn't describe ANYTHING.
Eddie compliments Whorenita for the burn job she gave whatsisface, who is wearing a comically ugly red ruffled shirt. Anita rejects the shotgun to kill him, in favor of a quieter stake (because punching a piece of wood through someone's torso is so quiet!), and Edward provides a MUCH quieter alternative -- silver nitrate in little syringes.
Since Edward is looking unspeakably cool and clever here, Anita has to shove her way back into the spotlight, I've staked most of the vampires that I've killed. It is hard, messy work, though I don't throw up anymore. I am a professional after all. Ooooh, how strong and gutsy she is! Course, thinking this doesn't make any sense since Edward has just said he has a better idea.
He injects Burnfaced-Guy-Whose-Name-I-Can't-Remember, who yawns and convulses, then dies for real. YAABI here -- aren't they supposed to be corpse-dead during the day? So, uh, wouldn't he just like there like a, y'know, corpse while he died for good?
Anita keeps waving her vampire-hunting balls by announcing that he doesn't look dead for real, and that you can be sure they're dead by staking and beheading them. Edward refuses to bow to Ms. Super-Experienced Professional and says that nobody has ever gotten out of a coffin after the silver nitrate.
Anita opens one of the coffins. Empty. She thinks, It was probably Theresa's coffin. Then for absolutely no reason, she adds, Yeah, that had been hers.
Anita sticks a needle in the next dude, and reflects that she gets the cold creepies injecting him, and that she hates needles for no reason. Maybe it's too small a penis substitute, cuz stakes make her feel all manly (to quote Harry Dresden).
Then surprise! YAABI! Aubrey wakes up and starts throttling Edward, so Anita shoots him in the head. He just grins at her, so she picks up the shotgun and blows his head apart with a Batmanesque "splurt" noise. Course, I'm not sure why he didn't do the human-shield thing with Edward... but then, I'm not sure why none of the vampires do their super-speed thing to avoid being killed. Presumably because little miss superspeshul couldn't kill ANY if they did.
She blows away what's left of Burned Dude, and then they start creeping to Nikki's little coffin. Not that it makes much sense -- if Aubrey could inexplicably get up despite the daylight despite ALL vampires "dying" during the day include Jean "Newbie Sourdre de Sang" Claude, why wouldn't Nikki? AGGGGHHH! the lack of continuity makes my brain bleed!
Their gaze can trap you until nightfall. Their minds, their voices. So powerful. The sentence fragments, the inexplicably open eyes. So stupid.
Of course Nikki isn't in her coffin, and she shows up in the door wearing a spotted pink dress, matching hair bow, seven-foot-long hair that floats above the ground, and a pair of SPATS that are compressing her ankles in at least an inch. Zach is there, as well as the dude who looks like Bleach's Ikkaku in a suit.
Nikki sneers at them for thinking daylight can imprison her, saying that I am older than anything you have ever imagined. In the words of Han Solo, I can imagine quite a bit -- she's only a thousand, for crying out loud. While Zach and Burchard are taking away Anita's weapons, she wonders if tattooing a cross on her arm would have the same effect as a solid one, apparently forgetting that she has a cross burned on her arm, and it doesn't do shit.
Anita then starts sneering and teasing Zach, because she's SO tough and strong she doesn't notice that A) she was so vewy vewy scared a minute ago, and B) he's holding two guns.
But then Nikki sez that they were "preparing" a friend of Whorenita's, and Whorenita starts thinking about Catherine and Ronnie. Nikki does her Evil Villain Laugh, and tells Whorenita how amusing she is. Not sure why, because Anita hasn't said or done anything even remotely funny.
And now ZombiePhil comes in, sans clothes and apparently without genitalia. Nikki apparently hasn't noticed this fact, because she offers to let Anita "watch your lover perform," either with Nikki or Anita herself. Despite supposedly being horrified and fearful, Whorenita just says blandly, "Neither sounds very appealing."
Then she starts asking why they brought Phillip back, and Nikki says that she was going to let him try to kill Aubrey while Aubrey was snoozing. She then says the only remotely creepy line in the whole story, "Murdered zombies can be so much fun." Anita accuses her of letting Aubrey kill him again, Nikki confirms this, and Anita utters yet another Wildean witticism: "You bitch."
Burchard knocks Anita down with his big gun, and Edward gives a nasty look to Zach. Anita just sort of grovels while Nikki says oh-so-evilly, "I bit you, animator. I can make you do whatever I please." No you can't, because she is a Sue and you are blonde and possess a vagina!
Anyway, that's the end of this part. Thank God, we've only got one more ghastly part to go.
And I'm not sure why Jean-Claude's pic is on the credits page with the various characters who ARE in this. He doesn't even make a dream cameo. Did something get cut?
Hilariously enough, Whorenita's first remark in here is, "Let's go, slow and easy." You know what this would mean later in the series, and I expected Edward to reply, "That's what she said!"
Anyway, they're cornered by a bunch of ghouls, and Edward left the machine gun in the car (isn't he supposed to always be prepared, like a killer boy scout?). So Anita shoots the chickens in the hope that the ghouls will eat them first. Or, y'know, maybe they'll do the semi-smart thing and kill the two potentially escaping humans, THEN dine on both human and chicken. Or, y'know, maybe Anita will be mobbed by a bunch of whiny Wiccans for killing teh chickies.
It turns out to be a useless tactic anyway because there's more ghouls coming (who for some reason howl like wolves) and not enough bloody chicken to go around. So Anita and Edward race off to a conveniently placed shed, although I'm not entirely sure why there's a shed placed in the middle of a graveyard. Usually such things are placed further away, if they're present at all.
Anita and Edward have another one of LKH's scintillating exchanges: "We need to block the door." "That won't hold them for long." "It's better than nothing." Edward then opines that he'd rather go with a bullet to the brain than do a real-life impression of the jerk from "Shaun of the Dead." Anita says he should save his bullets because she has matches.
Riiiiight, because it's always a good idea to set fire to a small confined space with no exit, while you are standing on it. Eddie boy says that he'd rather be shot than burned, and Anita replies, "Don't worry, I'm the author's Sue, so I'm effectively immortal and invincible. Worship my divine crotch."
Seriously, the ghouls start busting in, and Anita tosses a match at them. It immediately blazes into a HUGE fire that burns them alive -- and I'm pretty sure that even dry wood wouldn't blaze up fast enough to utterly flambe two ghouls. Edward understandably wants to know if she had a plan to get them out, and SURPRISE SURPRISE li'l Miss Sue didn't. She apparently thought a dry wooden shack exposed to the elements for a few decades wouldn't burn fast. Ooh, I feel a feminist tingle when I think of her brains.
So Anita picks up what is either a rake or a toilet plunger (it's not drawn very well) and tells Edward, "Take off your shirt. I'm so wet and tight!" Okay, not the last part. She wraps it around the rake/plunger and sticks it in the flames -- which works SO well because most T-shirts will burn long and brightly.
NOTE: Gratuitous Edward peccage here. Admire it, girls, for he is the only semi-attractive dude in this whole comic book. Rafael comes in second, hampered by the fact that he turns into a giant rat.
Anita then notices a row of gasoline cans, which a SMART person would have noticed BEFORE setting the shed on fire, and Edward also magically finds an axe. Because, of course, people like to dismember and/or blow-up corpses, so you'd find axes and gasoline in any graveyard. He proceeds to whack holes in the wall with the axe, even though a shed that old and dry should be pretty easy. I mean, my uncle had an old METAL shed, and he managed to PULL IT DOWN in ten minutes with only two not-very-in-shape men, a preteen girl and a not-very-bright dog.
Funny note: Page 6, right-hand top cell. Apparently Edward has also had enough of Anita's drooling stupidity, because he's about to take off her head with that axe.
They run out of the shack, and it explodes from the gasoline cans, which considerately wait until they're far away to blow. The one exception: the one can Anita decided to take along. A ghoul comes leaping at Anita, but she's too busy fussing with her duffel bag to notice, so Big Strong Muscular Man has to save her large ass once more. Once it's crippled, she shows her brass balls by dousing it with gasoline and ordering Eddy to set it on fire.
Funny note: The ghoul is modestly wearing shorts.
Okay, I admit that I don't know everything there is to know about gasoline, but I'm pretty sure that it doesn't just burn demurely in smaller quantities. But we cannot have something next to Whorenita exploding! It might give her an unsexy, Asher-like scar!
To remind us that she is so tough and everything, Whorenita then adds, "You're next, Zachary. You are next." Yeah, real scary. Especially from a woman so dumb he had to invite her out to TELL her he was the murderer. She also reflects that, This was the second attempt on my life in as many days. Frankly I'd rather be shot at. Ooh, how tough and ballsy she is!
Funny note: Anita and Edward are magically clean again on the next page, and Edward is wearing a new shirt. Must be the baby wipes.
Anita starts fussing and angsting about how she can't go to her own apartment, and she can't endanger any of her soon-to-be-discarded friends, boo hoo. Then her beeper goes off. It's Irving the unsexy werewolf, saying he's got an appointment with the Rat King, right before he rushes off to play the villain's role in "Nutcracker." Anita predictably starts whining about how everyone wants her to do stuff tonight, and how she's had such a long, long night and Irving should lay off.
Irving asks if she's all right, and Anita fumes, What a stupid question. No, dumbass bitch, it is NOT a stupid question. If you'd said "gruesome and terrifying," then it might be a stupid question -- but a "long, long night" can simply mean you were running from grocery store to grocery store, trying to find a carton of skim milk at 2AM, while fielding calls from an annoying ex. She IS all right, in that she isn't hurt and she hasn't got any new problems.
She then reflects, Poor Irving. He was left out of everything. He hadn't been attacked by ghouls and almost blown up, though. Of course not! He's not TOUGH and BALLSY like she is, and he has an unsexy name and job!
She rings Dolph and tells him about Zachary (thankfully off-"camera"), and then tells Eddie about her plans and how scary Nikolaos is. Edward's reply: "I love a challenge." Anita then cusses comic-style, presumably because now she looks like a wimp.
Eddie goes into Denny's, and Anita sits outside thinking random thoughts about how weird it is to be meeting wererats in Denny's. Inside she starts thinking oh-so-dramatic thoughts: Lyncanthropes. I would have bet my life on it, and maybe I was. Uh, cut the artificial drama. If they had wanted to kill her, it would have been easy to before in a private dungeon. Why would the very same rat who saved her peacefully agree to meet her in a very public restaurant, just to kill her? Idiot.
We get to see Rafael for the first time, and he is quite hot, except for his slightly shaggy Mr. Spock hair. Thankfully there are no thought bubbles about how he isn't "quite white bread" or that other racial shit. For some reason he isn't speaking with contractions, though.
Anita announces, "I want you to lead me and at least one man into the tunnels beneath the Circus of the Damned," and he very reasonably asks why he should do this for her. I suppose this is supposed to show what a tough, take-charge personage Anita is, but it comes across as ungrateful and snotty. Rafael saved her nasty ass and risked himself by meeting her, and she's lobbing demands at him as if HE owes HER.
Anyway, Anita says that he should help her if he wants his people to be free of Nikolaos' influence, and she can fix everything cuz she's a prince on a white horse... wait, that comes later. Rafael says that he can't fight alongside her; he can only hold back the rats and wererats from assisting Nikki. Which begs the question: If he can keep them from helping Nikki, what power does she have over them?
He also asks if Anita is so confident, and she replies, "Of course! I'm a Sue! Worship my Crotch!" Seriously, she says, "I'm willing to bet my life on it," which seems rather arrogant since she may also be gambling the rats' lives on it. Nikki ain't stupid; I betcha if Whorenita snuck in and attacked while a bunch of wererats sat in those underground tunnels, she would figure it out.
Rafael agrees to take her inside, and he asks if she wants some time to heal, because she smells "like death has brushed you closely tonight." Technically you wouldn't need to heal from that, but whatever. Anita makes her grumpy face and thinks about how Irving never burdens her with the supernatural powerz bit, because he works hard at being human. This man does not. From her attitude, this is a nastybadevil thing, presumably because she hates any powerz she does not possess.
Anita outlines her ridiculously simply plan to Eddie-boy, who announces cheerfully that "I love my work." Anita adds that she loves her work too, which leaves me wondering, what work is that? And after a night like that, what halfway sane person would? Oh wait, saying that sometimes she hates dirty-dangerous work might imply that she ain't tough and hardened.
Too bad she couldn't just have a heroine who acts halfway normal, like Harry in the first DF comic. He openly admits that sometimes he hates his job, because sometimes it involves nasty grotesque monsters.
Apparently she learns how to use a shotgun sometime when we're not watching, which is fortunate because I'm sick of Whorenita and her phallic weaponry. Then I went caving with the were-rats -- just a note, "caving" is actually a real word, but not one that is often used. Anita sits down there in a mining helmet thinking about how much she wants to see the were-rats shapeshift, even though it's obvious they don't want people to see.
And now that it's too late to do anything about it, she thinks, Edward was a bounty hunter, sometimes. I hoped I had not endangered these people. Well, ya should have thought of that BEFORE, Miss Cinderblock-for-brains. She adds that Lillian was a doctor without mentioning who the hell Lillian is, so we can assume Lillian is one of the wererats. I assume she's the female wererat in the ragged flood-victim dress and the big backpack.
Louie gives them some basic touristy info about Cherokee Caverns until Rafael tells him to shut his rattrap. Then Rafe tells them that they're there, and adds, "I have delivered you to the devil's door. Do not thank me for that." Help! Hot Hispanic ratdude has been infected by the pompous virus!
Anita then gets all whiny because they passed where Phillip was killed, and then angry because Edward tells her to stop daydreaming and pay attention. To emphasize that she's scared, Anita says that she could taste my heart in my throat. Even if your heart somehow made it up to your throat, which sounds painful, it's very difficult to TASTE anything that is in your throat. Lack of pharyngeal taste buds and all that. Ooh, maybe I'll use that line in my amazon review.
Anita then starts rambling about knights and armor and dragons, before trying to give us a sense of foreboding by saying that the place was quiet. As the cliche goes, too quiet. She adds to the cliche by saying that she has a bad feeling about this... wait a second, she says, "This is too easy" and Edward says something will go wrong soon.
Sidenote: you know, I'm never sure why vampires in these stories never have some kind of padlock on their coffins. With busty penis-envying Sues waltzing in, you'd think that they'd want precautions -- lock mechanisms from the inside to keep them from being opened, or an outer lock that the human servants have the keys to.
Anita tries to describe even more sensations by saying that there was a neck-ruffling smell to the room. It caught at the back of my throat, and tasted faintly metallic. It was the smell of vampires. No, that metallic-tasting thing catching at the back of your throat is dental equipment. Seriously, what the hell is that smell supposed to be? It doesn't describe ANYTHING.
Eddie compliments Whorenita for the burn job she gave whatsisface, who is wearing a comically ugly red ruffled shirt. Anita rejects the shotgun to kill him, in favor of a quieter stake (because punching a piece of wood through someone's torso is so quiet!), and Edward provides a MUCH quieter alternative -- silver nitrate in little syringes.
Since Edward is looking unspeakably cool and clever here, Anita has to shove her way back into the spotlight, I've staked most of the vampires that I've killed. It is hard, messy work, though I don't throw up anymore. I am a professional after all. Ooooh, how strong and gutsy she is! Course, thinking this doesn't make any sense since Edward has just said he has a better idea.
He injects Burnfaced-Guy-Whose-Name-I-Can't-Remember, who yawns and convulses, then dies for real. YAABI here -- aren't they supposed to be corpse-dead during the day? So, uh, wouldn't he just like there like a, y'know, corpse while he died for good?
Anita keeps waving her vampire-hunting balls by announcing that he doesn't look dead for real, and that you can be sure they're dead by staking and beheading them. Edward refuses to bow to Ms. Super-Experienced Professional and says that nobody has ever gotten out of a coffin after the silver nitrate.
Anita opens one of the coffins. Empty. She thinks, It was probably Theresa's coffin. Then for absolutely no reason, she adds, Yeah, that had been hers.
Anita sticks a needle in the next dude, and reflects that she gets the cold creepies injecting him, and that she hates needles for no reason. Maybe it's too small a penis substitute, cuz stakes make her feel all manly (to quote Harry Dresden).
Then surprise! YAABI! Aubrey wakes up and starts throttling Edward, so Anita shoots him in the head. He just grins at her, so she picks up the shotgun and blows his head apart with a Batmanesque "splurt" noise. Course, I'm not sure why he didn't do the human-shield thing with Edward... but then, I'm not sure why none of the vampires do their super-speed thing to avoid being killed. Presumably because little miss superspeshul couldn't kill ANY if they did.
She blows away what's left of Burned Dude, and then they start creeping to Nikki's little coffin. Not that it makes much sense -- if Aubrey could inexplicably get up despite the daylight despite ALL vampires "dying" during the day include Jean "Newbie Sourdre de Sang" Claude, why wouldn't Nikki? AGGGGHHH! the lack of continuity makes my brain bleed!
Their gaze can trap you until nightfall. Their minds, their voices. So powerful. The sentence fragments, the inexplicably open eyes. So stupid.
Of course Nikki isn't in her coffin, and she shows up in the door wearing a spotted pink dress, matching hair bow, seven-foot-long hair that floats above the ground, and a pair of SPATS that are compressing her ankles in at least an inch. Zach is there, as well as the dude who looks like Bleach's Ikkaku in a suit.
Nikki sneers at them for thinking daylight can imprison her, saying that I am older than anything you have ever imagined. In the words of Han Solo, I can imagine quite a bit -- she's only a thousand, for crying out loud. While Zach and Burchard are taking away Anita's weapons, she wonders if tattooing a cross on her arm would have the same effect as a solid one, apparently forgetting that she has a cross burned on her arm, and it doesn't do shit.
Anita then starts sneering and teasing Zach, because she's SO tough and strong she doesn't notice that A) she was so vewy vewy scared a minute ago, and B) he's holding two guns.
But then Nikki sez that they were "preparing" a friend of Whorenita's, and Whorenita starts thinking about Catherine and Ronnie. Nikki does her Evil Villain Laugh, and tells Whorenita how amusing she is. Not sure why, because Anita hasn't said or done anything even remotely funny.
And now ZombiePhil comes in, sans clothes and apparently without genitalia. Nikki apparently hasn't noticed this fact, because she offers to let Anita "watch your lover perform," either with Nikki or Anita herself. Despite supposedly being horrified and fearful, Whorenita just says blandly, "Neither sounds very appealing."
Then she starts asking why they brought Phillip back, and Nikki says that she was going to let him try to kill Aubrey while Aubrey was snoozing. She then says the only remotely creepy line in the whole story, "Murdered zombies can be so much fun." Anita accuses her of letting Aubrey kill him again, Nikki confirms this, and Anita utters yet another Wildean witticism: "You bitch."
Burchard knocks Anita down with his big gun, and Edward gives a nasty look to Zach. Anita just sort of grovels while Nikki says oh-so-evilly, "I bit you, animator. I can make you do whatever I please." No you can't, because she is a Sue and you are blonde and possess a vagina!
Anyway, that's the end of this part. Thank God, we've only got one more ghastly part to go.
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Date: 2008-05-20 05:06 am (UTC)When or where does she say this? Although, I really shouldn't be surprised at this point.
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Date: 2008-05-20 05:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-20 05:27 am (UTC)"He was also one of the few Black vampires I'd seen. Some people theorized that the same genetics that made many people of African descent immune to malaria also made them less likely to become vampires." CS, pg 304
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Date: 2008-05-20 05:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-20 05:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-20 05:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-20 05:50 am (UTC)yay for your flog! :) Off to read. (I read the comments first, oops!)
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Date: 2008-05-20 06:14 am (UTC)Oh no! It's back. The 'neck-ruffling smell'. What does that MEAN? I have never, ever understood it. I nominate 'neck-ruffling smell' for the stomach-turning cliche list. I feel so unfulfilled that my neck has never smelled like ruffling. Or ruffles. Or it's never ruffled after I've smelled something.
Another YAABI? I thought murdered victims came back as wild, violent zombies beyond control? Oi.
Thanks for the flog!
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Date: 2008-05-20 07:37 am (UTC)Wait, I'm trying to apply logic, aren't I? Oops!
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Date: 2008-05-20 08:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-20 12:44 pm (UTC)the shed in the graveyard was supposed to be a maintenance shed, where like, the landscape stuff was stored.
...and just what is YAABI?
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Date: 2008-05-20 02:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-20 02:57 pm (UTC)Another YAABI - can't you not raise murdered people because they are crazy ass zombies who no one can control and they won't stop until they kill the people responsible for their death?
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Date: 2008-05-20 03:14 pm (UTC)Don't feel bad -- I had to look it up.
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Date: 2008-05-20 03:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-20 05:48 pm (UTC)Lordy, this made me laugh! Just as well I was between mouthfuls of hot tea!
Funny note: Page 6, right-hand top cell. Apparently Edward has also had enough of Anita's drooling stupidity, because he's about to take off her head with that axe.
*contemplates the beauty of this for a few moments* Ahhh, if only!
Anita just sort of grovels while Nikki says oh-so-evilly, "I bit you, animator. I can make you do whatever I please." No you can't, because she is a Sue and you are blonde and possess a vagina!
The gallons of Holy Water and the crucifixes had absolutely nothing to do with it.
I do so enjoy your flogs of the comics. These, and
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Date: 2008-05-20 06:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-20 06:24 pm (UTC)Best. Comment. Ever.
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Date: 2008-05-20 09:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-20 10:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-22 06:23 am (UTC)I loled.
Also, interesting that there's a big to-do about shapeshifting being very ugly and very painful in GP, but then it seems to go out the window later.