Laurellita and Kathy's Big Adventure!

[zgirl714.livejournal.com]

Girl Bonding

LKH curses her female fragility, has an epiphany about shopping as a female ritual, and EVERYONE PANIC LKH IS ARMED AND DELUSIONAL.



LKH=Bold
Me=Sanity
Summary=Italics



Sunday Kathy and I went out for some girl bonding. It was only last weekend that Robin and I got to visit, and now more girl time this weekend. I could get used to this. I truly think that I had forgotten how important it is to have girlfriends to talk to. No matter how wonderful my husband and my male friends are, they don’t quite get it. Just as I have to accept, that there are things in the guy world that I’m just not going to get because I’m a girl. That’s not a bad thing, or a good thing, it’s just a thing.

Why is she apologizing for having female friends? She needs to get over the fact that she has icky icky girl parts just like the rest of us.

Kathy and I went shopping. I’ve never been very good at shopping. I shop like a guy.

Sure, she does. If someone is holding her hand.

Kathy and I both acknowledged that it wasn’t the shopping that we were primarily interested in; it was the socilization.

Thank you, Federal Marshall Obvious.

LKH is freaked out by some dude in a restaurant paying to much attention to her and becomes paranoid while still being patronizing to women.

Kathy is one of those girlfriends that notices her surroundings, too. It makes me not have to over explain. She just gets it. Maybe it’s years of being married to a policeman, whatever, I can do the short hand explanation and be ready to go.

Laurellita makes it seem like she gives Kathy a cookie when the poor woman manages to cut through the incoherent purple prose. LKH couldn't under explain if she wanted too. I can only imagine her 'short hand explanation' and stage whispers about the creeper in the restuarant.


Because sometimes paranoid is just another word for being right.

Sometimes Y is a vowel.


LKH is a big chicken tough girl and can't stand that she feels better when Charles rescues her from the guy who left before he came. Also, someone gave LKH a gun. God help St. Louis. She gives a PSA about 'Situational Awareness' and has a Mr. Miyagi moment.

The best fight, is the one that never happens.

She just drops these pearls of wisdom...

Again, part of this is me being deep into an Anita book, it screws with my thinking.

No, you don't say?

I’ve said for years, I hope I never get mugged while I’m writing one of these books, because I am not Anita. I do not have her training, and I worry, every once in awhile, that I’ll forget that when it’s important.

She's crossed and burned that reality bridge a long time ago.

A side note to Shawn, in case he reads this: My hand to God, that if I truly thought it was dangerous, I would have called the police.

Side note to LKH: Shawn doesn't read your blog and you should be grateful. Also, big lol, at her being so butch about protecting the damsel Kathy.

It was a hi, and buy, trip for Charles, because he was on his way to a family dinner. I think a relative was turning 85, which is pretty cool.

She couldn't have asked a waiter to walk them to her car? She had to drag Charles [OMG!11!!! Hez soooo KeWL] from his family?

LKH takes the Foose for a spin and misses her other car that tells her where to go because she has no idea how to get around the city she has lived in for years. Charles draws her a map, makes her a sack lunch, pats her on the head and sends her off with Kathy. Nervous Nelly gets skittish and cuts her shopping trip short. Charles [2 DrEaMy!!!] gives her zen advice on cars and she swaggers off into the distance. She signs off with shout outs to various people because LKH is popular.

Comments

[gwynethfar.livejournal.com]

If my boss called me on my day off because she got fucking lost, I would staple my letter of resignation to her fucking forehead.

[zombiexbunny.livejournal.com]

No shit. Honestly, how fucking long has she lived there??

I've been to St. Louis several times. It's not that damn complicated.

She's an idiot.

[zgirl714.livejournal.com]

Charles has to have the patience of saint because I couldn't put up with the constant hand holding.

[zombiexbunny.livejournal.com]

It was a hi, and buy, trip for Charles, because he was on his way to a family dinner.

Hi and buy? .......really?

*falls over dead from laughing*

[daphne-gateau.livejournal.com]

*is ded*

It's just too bad Charles couldn't try anything on because he was carrying weapons that day.

[roguetailkinker.livejournal.com]

I don't know, it could be accurate: "Uh, Charles, I know it's your day off, but I'm rilly rilly lost and if you come save me I'll buy you something big and expensive."

There has to be some reason he puts up with it.

[kerame.livejournal.com]

"Oh, and there are men that I wouldn't be as happy to see if trouble happens. Some men, like some women are just one more person to worry about."

Translation: stick to being barefoot and subservient, Jon. Charles is a real man.

[zgirl714.livejournal.com]

A wicked sick burn to her husband via the internet. Classy.

[merchendiver.livejournal.com]

I am beginning to think this is true. Jon gets side mentions while Charles get sparklies and fanfare.

[orthent.livejournal.com]

Oh, ick. I love how she talks about friendship purely in terms of her needs.

I truly think that I had forgotten how important it is to have girlfriends to talk to. No matter how wonderful my husband and my male friends are, they don’t quite get it....Nothing personal to all the very good friends I have that are male, but sometimes you just need an estrogen fix.

It's like the people in her life are nothing but groceries.

[siedhr.livejournal.com]

What she needs are as many people as possible to whine to. And I'm curious, what about Darla? Isn't she a member of the estrogen population?

[spittingfish.livejournal.com]

O.O OMG. Kathy is Ronnie! Doesn't that sound like Anita's exact description of Ronnie or is it just me?

Sometimes Y is a vowel.

And sometimes brave LKH sporkers are made of WIN.

[shalanar.livejournal.com]

Yesssss! Reading that made me think of the scene in...oh hell, one of the books, where Anita and Ronnie go out jogging, and get attacked or some such (wow, I've really forgotten the books. Yay me!). And Anitas got her gun, and I think Ronnie kinda freaked out (or did I just hope she did?)

[siedhr.livejournal.com]

Great flog, the Karate Kid reference made me guffaw.

I’ve never been very good at shopping. I shop like a guy. I have my list, or my goal. I get in, I get out, I’m done.
Because women, who do most of the shopping anywhere in the world just go at random and peruse through the grocery store, wandering aimlessly just for fun. Any sane individual who has more than one item to buy will make a list. Unless she/he has an excellent memory.

Her vision of women shopping is taken straight from soap operas. Hey , LKH, those women have personal shoppers.

I do not want to browse. I do not want to take my time. Let’s get going!
This is called shopping like an idiot. Even if money is not an object, quality is. Expensive does not always equal quality, savvy? Women shop like they do because they have a budget and they care about the quality of the products they buy.

Woman, you are an IDIOT. Your whole post is made of IDIOT. The fact that you are allowed to carry a gun makes me glad I don't live in the US.

And your constant drooling over Charles makes me nauseous. He's married with kids. Have some dignity in yer old age. :P

[merchendiver.livejournal.com]

And your constant drooling over Charles makes me nauseous.

Oh thank god I am not the only one!

[icecreamempress.livejournal.com]

I WASN'T CARRYING ON SUNDAY. ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU SAY, CHARLES? 'CARRYING'? DON'T YOU SAY 'CARRYING'? OR SHOULD I SAY THAT I WASN'T 'PACKING'? IS 'PACKING' BETTER?


die die die die die die die die die die die die die

Also, "We were safe because of situational awareness."

So you're saying that it didn't matter that Charles was there at all, because the SCARY GUY had left long before he got there?

And what was Laurell going to do if she WAS 'carrying'? Wave her gun at the scary guy? I'm seeing Travis Bickle in drag here.

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

Awesome flog. Thanks for the laugh.

[zgirl714.livejournal.com]

Thanks for liking it!

[muteerror.livejournal.com]

I know it's been metioned before but DAMN....LKH is the most sexist creature to ever be Blog Flogged. She really just needs to get over her homiphobia hang ups and get sex change so she can be her true self. ;p

[easol.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but even then she'd be moaning that there's a lack of pwetty clothes for men, the daily woes of being a FtM, and lots of TMI about her new and improved sex life.

Can't help but wonder if she wrote Narcissus because that is what she wants to be, whether -- pretty and attractive, but with a penis.

(Of course, then she practically wrote out the character because her hatred of Teh Gay Sexxors clashed with her hatred of anything and anyone with a vagina)

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

I have to accept, that there are things in the guy world that I’m just not going to get because I’m a girl.

Like a penis?

[kd-lalala.livejournal.com]

She has a gun...'scuse me I'll be hiding under the bed if you need me.

[ex-naomi-ja.livejournal.com]

Why does everything have to be a great philosophical revelation for LKH? I'm a girl too. I don't particularly care for shopping, but I do enjoy the company of other women. I don't feel the need to write a bloody thesis every time it happens though.

Rhetorical, I know, but...

[christraven.livejournal.com]

Why does everything have to be a great philosophical revelation for LKH?

Because everything is a deep, meaningful philosophical revelation to LKH. She's just that sheltered and naive.

"Oh, hai guize! I just realized that my shoppin's is liek teh Mannzors!"

[deadroman.livejournal.com]

Maybe she's going through mid-life crisis?

And it's so obvious that she violently wishes she was Anita and that Anita's world was real. It's kind of sad, actually, because she must think her life sucks ass and her crazy fantasies are the only happy place she can escape to. And now it seems that even hacking out her books causes her frustration. She desperately needs to see a shrink!!

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

She's mentioned seeing a therapist. It doesn't seem to be helping.

[amamelina.livejournal.com]

Ok, let us see what I can say about this. You might want to buckle up, cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

We had a disturbing guy that was paying too much attention to us in the restaurant. Not enough to be trying to pick us up, but just watching us too much. That’s creepier, frankly. I noticed him, told Kathy, but she’d noticed already. When he left the restaurant, he sat in his car, right beside our car for a long time.

Ok, guy in restaurant before you, leaves before you, has his car next to yours. Now, silly me, but if he was there before you, then that means you parked next to him. Not the other way around. And, I sometimes sit in my car for a while before pulling away. I hook up my ipod, I check my cell phone, unhook ipod and make calls if need be, relax or check out a map of where I need to go next. Sitting in a car does not mean he's watching you.

And, what is a long time? When you're aware of someone, seconds tick by like minutes. I know when I'm waiting on a parking spot, that little old lady who has to balance her checkbook and double check everything before moving her car seems to take hours. And I doubt she's doing that because I'm waiting.

We both agreed that we would not be going out of the restaurant until he moved. Also, our cars were the only ones in the parking lot. The restaurant wasn’t busy, hmm. I would have just put it down to writing Anita, which makes me a little paranoid, but Kathy had picked up on him, too.

Paranoia is catching. Again, a guy noticing you in a restaurant and leaving without talking you or anything like that does not a serial killer make. And, if a friend of mine was getting all "OMG, did you see that guy? He was staring at us. OMG! OMG! OMG! What will we do?" I might get a bit panicky too.

Kathy is one of those girlfriends that notices her surroundings, too. It makes me not have to over explain. She just gets it. Maybe it’s years of being married to a policeman, whatever, I can do the short hand explanation and be ready to go. Because sometimes paranoid is just another word for being right.

Actually, I think this just means she might be right once in a while. Though, all the police I know are cynical and always assuming the worst because that is what they come up with each and every day. The wives are probably used to hearing, "Be on guard against everyone." After all, most crimes are committed by people we know, not strangers.

But, I wasn’t carrying on Sunday. It’s a pain in the ass to have a weapon on you when you’re trying on clothes.

Sweet baby Jesus, she sounds like Anita.

He left before Charles even arrived. We were safe because of situational awareness, which is the greatest asset to your personal safety that you have. It’s better than a gun, or training, because situational awareness will keep you from having to use a weapon or try out those martial art’s skills.

Allow me to repeat that: The guy was gone before Charles ever came in. They were safe! The guy never approached them, nor was he still in the parking lot. They were paranoid for no reason. Charles did not save them, he just showed up in time to hear LKH whine about her near brush with death that never happened.

Also, can you imagine how it would have gone if she did have her gun on her?

LKH: Freeze scumbag! I know what you're thinking. You were thinking of taking and raping me, weren't you! I'm so fabulous that you couldn't stop staring at me! Right, punk!'

Man: Huh? What? Geez, lady, what are you talking about?

LKH: I know what guys like you are like! You were staring at us!

Man: I was? Sorry! I have a lot on my mind and I thought you were someone else.

LKH: I'm a famous writer! You were stalking me! I know it!

Man: Lady, you're nuts and put down that gun.

Later that night, headlines read that LKH went off the deep end and is now in prison for the murder of an accountant in a diner.

[zgirl714.livejournal.com]

LKH: I don't don't date accountants. I kill them.

[fangedsekhmet.livejournal.com]

LKH is freaked out by some dude in a restaurant paying to much attention to her and becomes paranoid while still being patronizing to women

He wanted a refund for the last seven books, too.

[othellia.livejournal.com]

She gives a PSA about 'Situational Awareness' and has a Mr. Miyagi moment.

The best fight, is the one that never happens.

Or maybe perhaps Sun Tzu (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Art_of_War)?

[zgirl714.livejournal.com]

Possibly. I don't know.

[aine-de-danann.livejournal.com]

So after zombiexbunny’s comment and my on views on how mind-numbing and eye-glazingly boring and redundant lkh’s blogs are, I decided to whip out my red pen and go at it. Now, I’m not an editor, nor do I pretend to be one, but let me present to you (for your lashing amusement) the condensed lkh blog:

Girl Bonding.

Sunday Kathy and I went shopping for a “girl’s day out.” Usually I am a quick shopper, only going for what I need, but this was a social occasion. There was a man at lunch who seemed too interested in us. Kathy noticed him, too, so it wasn’t just me being paranoid. To be on the safe side, we called Charles. I know I am not Anita, and am not trained to handle myself in dangerous situations, and if I thought it was truly dangerous I would have called the police. Although the man sat in his car next to ours for awhile, he left without incident. I probably should have called Charles and let him know that the situation was resolved. Since we were in the Foose, which doesn’t have navigation, I had Charles draw me a map. It was a good map and Cathy used it to help me navigate. Oh, I am not sure if Cathy spells her name with a “C” or a “K,” silly me! Although I still was nervous driving, Kathy and I agreed that it was the trip and not the destination that was important. Afterward, we were all a little more relaxed then when the weekend started.

The End.

[zgirl714.livejournal.com]

She is so inane.

[colubra.livejournal.com]

Again, part of this is me being deep into an Anita book, it screws with my thinking.

Wait- now wait just one cotton-pickin' minute here.

She thinks when she writes this tripe???

[zgirl714.livejournal.com]

You know she thinks long and hard, meditating on the darkity darkness of her soul, as she walks the halls of Insanity Manor. They say on a full moon night that if you pass her house that you can her hear her mumbling, 'ma petite, ma petite.'

[neriah.livejournal.com]

Well.....I see Zyprexa in her future.