Central Park Were-Zoo, anyone?

[vanity-lost.livejournal.com]

Anyone else ever have something along the lines of "Werewolves and were-rats and pards, oh my!" running through their head during an AB book?

A friend of mine reviewed Micah in class the other day. "This book is... um... it's porn. Just porn. I took notes. Seriously, I did not know you could do some of this stuff..."

And then we got into a discussion on what the hell is a were-leopard anyway. Which led into a discussion of the various were-flavors in this book. Were-swans were by far the most amusing. And I got to thinking...

Is anyone else just waiting for the were-penguins to show up? You know Anita will be their Empress Royal Goddess-Incarnate. You know it.

Were-swans and were-penguins are now a running theme among my friends and I'm just wondering when the idea will occur to our Mad Mrs Hamilton.

Oh, and is it just me or is Anita Blake (and to a newer-series-and-therefore-slightly-lesser-extent MG) becoming exactly like a game of pretend Superheroes with a bunch of 7-year-olds?

"I kill you with my laser spell of doom!" "Nuh-uh, cause I have my Shield of Mega Power!" "Well my Mega Doom Blaster goes through EVERY shield!" "But you can't hit me cause I am lightning-fast-person and I can dodge your blaster thing!" "NUH-UH!" "YES-HUH!" "Nuh-uh! Cause now I have my Ultra Poison Dart and it kills anything and I'm shooting you with my ubergun and it was enchanted by a voodoo priestess." "But it won't pierce my Supermegaultra Armor cause it was made by Merlin!" "Will so! My dart's made up superultrahyperiron and the gun was made by the Dragon King...." etc.


Okay, and since I've never posted here and I probably should do some form of introduction: I'm a Merry Gentry fan. I'd be a bigger MG fan if Laurell wasn't so afraid of teh lesbianism, but that's never gonna happen. I like the Unseelie Court and the world and such she made up for Faery. I don't think she's using it as well as she could, but hey, it gives someone else room to improve.

However, I loathe Anita Blake. Go figure. Not the series, I mean the character. Anita gives me a headache. Oddly, I like some of the other characters but not the main one. Merry is also beginning to wear thin as she's starting to become more of an AB v2.0.

Anyone else for banning Laurell from writing more series? She's allowed 2-4 books in each world and that is it. No more.

Comments

[gray-ghost.livejournal.com]

I never noticed LKH was uncomfortable with girl-on-girl stuff until Bella Morte showed up to check out Anita. I mean - here's this master vampire who is infamous throughout history for using her powers of seduction to control those beneath her, and she wants to test Anita to see what she's got - but she doesn't go there because Bella Morte apparently only likes men! I was expecting at least a chapter of wild carnal abandon (as would have happened if it had been Anne Rice or Poppy Z Brite), but no...Bella Morte is apparently the first female vampire in vampiredom who just doesn't go there. I blame it on strong Christian midwestern values....

[vanity-lost.livejournal.com]

Before Anne Rice went straight, you mean... Seriously, LKH and AR must be in a competition for Weirdest Author Ever Awards.

As someone from the Midwest who probably should have some strong midwestern values... apparently I missed the memo that Laurell got. I haven't read the one with Bella showing up in St Louis but now I don't want to. It makes me sad to think she's getting boxed in with Laurell's morals. If the woman would ever separate her characters from herself she'd realize, the characters have their own values damn it.

I've wondered if LKH's same-sex aversion isn't just a thing to keep Wal-Mart or the other more middle-of-the-road stores stocking her books?

[dwg.livejournal.com]

And the annoying thing is, she TRIED to go to TEH LEZBIENZ place in Seduced by Moonlight when Merry and Maeve made out (hey, say that ten times quickly while drunk) and during the smoochies, orgasms a-plenty happened. And lo, it was one of the more tasteful sex scenes in the entire novel, and series to date.

But y'know, that'll never happen again because Merry's aim is to get pregnant and thus she mus have sex with MEN frequently, and often.

*headdesk*

Considering that she's set upt he court as a place where sex isn't taboo, nor is really using it to gain power...you'd think it wouldn't be frowned upon to use it against the same gender. The fye would shrug it off as one of their things and everyone gets on with their lives.

But nooooo...

[/rant]

[vanity-lost.livejournal.com]

oh, rant away. It's stupid! Look, don't give your universe morals like that if you cannot bring yourself to write them! It's that simple.

Except, yes, the Merry Maeve scene was one of the coolest. Maybe we should have her write only intimate scenes that make her uncomfortable, thereby ensuring she glosses over them without the use of universally large/tight/wet/big/throbbing sex organs...

I love the way that she makes Andais's ventures into bisexuality a whole big thing as if "ooh, now she's really off her rocker, 'cause look she's bisexual!" Then again, she was kinda hitting on her neice... but hey, olden day royals were all about the marrying their cousins so, go figure.

At least Merry has a reason/motive to have sex 24/7. It's sort of like sex and pregnancy or death. Anita is just having sex because the sex monster makes her. Then again, Anita has a Catholic upbringing to blame for her no-I'm-so-not-gay-totally-strait-seriously code. Merry was brought up in free-lovin' faery. Except when she was in college, which well, being in college... Experimentation. Exploration. So... rather like free-lovin' faery. It's just never explained!

If Merry is a real speaking voice in LKH's head, then Merry is off sobbing with J-C and Asher over being repressed.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

I love the way that she makes Andais's ventures into bisexuality a whole big thing as if "ooh, now she's really off her rocker, 'cause look she's bisexual!"

That's...kinda nuts. Not only does it go against the whole free-lovin' fairy thing, but...well, IMO, after a few hundred years you'd think she'd get bored of men and at least try out girls for a while. (that kinda goes for the vampires in the ABVH world too)

[randomsome1.livejournal.com]

"This book is... um... it's porn. Just porn. I took notes. Seriously, I did not know you could do some of this stuff..."


Lol, they're gonna be disappointed.

[freyalorelei.livejournal.com]

Dude. I don't know what seven-year-olds you hang out with, but I want to play with them. Their games sound fun. :)

And yes, we should demand were-penguins. In fact, I would like to see Sigmund: Were-Penguin sans Anita. At this point even a plush toy has more character development than she does.

[gweneth-syeira.livejournal.com]

Sigmund: Were-Penguin sans Anita. At this point even a plush toy has more character development than she does.

roflol

[refche.livejournal.com]

Were-penguin bukkake! *hangs head in shame*

I've always been pissed about that line LKH has when it comes to girl love. Another example of seeing her issues on paper, which is another example too many. Cutting off before I start seriously pondering the grammar in the last sentence.

[bleedtoblue.livejournal.com]

LKH is homophobic, imo. I'm waiting for were-weasels, were-hamsters, were-badgers for god's sake.

And the were-swans, as delicate, frightened things? Swans are terribly agressive and territorial. LKH and her much vaunted research....*sneer*

[gweneth-syeira.livejournal.com]

I want a were-roach. Or a were-elephant. Hahaha.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

z0mg, were-roaches...it'd be like...Starship Troopers only with the bugs claiming that they're human too.

[gweneth-syeira.livejournal.com]

LOL! "Were-roaches have feelings too!"

Quick Robin, to the Church of Roaches!

[dwg.livejournal.com]

At the Church:

"...yea verily, BEWARE of the shoe! It may be in a beguiling form, comfortable even...but lo, IT WILL BEAT YOU should you show it your true face!"

[saadiira.livejournal.com]

HEEEEE!

By that token, then, weremosquitoes, and werefleas. And don't forget werecentipedes and SPIDERS!

Or maybe just wereslugs. (Salt..it's not just for zombies anymore...)

-Dira-

[dwg.livejournal.com]

...that salt thing. Either needs to be an icon, or t-shirt, OR BOTH!

[firesongvx.livejournal.com]

Heh, y'know, we already *have* a were-hamster, in a way....

Micah, and his hugely disproportionate equipment. XD

And I had the same exact thought about the were-swans! I'm a complete avian enthusiast, so I find the idea of were-birds rather cool...but with the way LKH is writing *now*, I'm glad she hasn't gone any further with the idea. -_- I'll write my own version, thanks. :P

[bleedtoblue.livejournal.com]

*snicker* "Micah, and his hugely disproportionate equipment."


The idea of the hereditary swan King was excellent but the rest....bleah.

LKH is why I started writing fanfiction.....

[freyalorelei.livejournal.com]

DUDE. I totally want a were-hamster. *points to icon* (Although what would its abilities be? Mad cheek pouch-stuffing skillz?)

[tooimpurenangel.livejournal.com]

I'm waiting for a were-whale. Oh, the possibilities....

[gweneth-syeira.livejournal.com]

Anita: And the whale, oh so was so wet, as it blew water out from its head. I couldn't believe the ardeur rose so quickly to it. I was oh so tight, but Moby...Moby was different.

x.x

[vanity-lost.livejournal.com]

... I think my brain just broke. Ow.

But the frightening part was that I could see LKH writing that. Or something like it. Of course his name would be Mohbie.

[firesongvx.livejournal.com]

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

I'm laughing so hard I can't say anything properly snarky, but that was *genius*! XD

[criada.livejournal.com]

A friend of mine had a character that was a were-keet. ^_^

[gilded_lady]

You aren't alone in not liking Anita, I myself still mostly make it through the books for the supporting cast instead of Anita herself--and your comparison to a bunch of 7th graders playing superheroes is a rather apt one I think. Honestly, aside from her getting wings and suddenly being a princess of some distant land I'm having trouble thinking of any more powers for her.

That all said, I wanna see a were-platypus :D

[vanity-lost.livejournal.com]

OMG. Were-platypus! Yes! That is perfect. They will march behind the were-otters and were-penguins, with the were-swans flying in as air support.

Ahem, sorry. Battle strategies for the world-domination through the clever use of cute animals aside...

You know she's really Princess Anitalarienthiliel Serenity of the Lost Kingdom of Atlantis, right? And her wings will only appear when she finds the Silver Heart Crystal and raises it to fight the Evil Queen BerylBella Morte and saves Crystal Tokyo St. Louis. Which she will then rule over with her gorgeous King Endymion Richard Jean-Claude Nathaniel Micah and her Royal Guards, who will help her control her sex monster. And she will become the first ever were-pegasus.

[gilded_lady]

Not were-pegasus, were-unicorn, because only she can violate the whole "you've got to be a virgin to touch a unicorn" deal.

[http://users.livejournal.com/belladonna_/]

*dies*

Too funny.

[firesongvx.livejournal.com]

Oh, I LOVE your snark! This entire post was highly entertaining, I hope to see you rip into LKH-dom on a regular basis. ;)

That said...you are *completely* right about the whole one-up-power-tripping 7 year olds thing. Both series seem to be degenerating into that, with the added side of horribly written porn. Actually, the bunch of 7 year olds might be able to come up with a better story at this point...at least it would have *some* semblance of a plot.

I started out as an AB fan, waaaay back in the day when Bloody Bones was the New Book, and also checked out the MG books when they started. Merry always felt a bit like a fey Anita to me, but that probably had a lot to do with the first-person POV...and the fact that I'd been reading Anita so long. Anyway, defintely agree that it's getting worse lately ; though Merry *does* have a more believable justification for the constant sex. Either way, the secondary characters are all that's keeping me reading *either* series...if only to see what awful, crying-shame manner LKH is going to fuck them over (pun very much intended) with *this* time.

And the homophobia nonsense? Some decent girl love scenes would be *damned* refreshing by this point, ne? Provided we don't have to read about *two* snail trails...

I'm all for this idea of LKH only being allowed to write a few books in a series, and only sex scenes that squick her. The quality would no doubt improve. ;)

[vanity-lost.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I am glad my quasi-bitter rampage amuse. Otherwise I'd probably be living in someplace with much better security and a new white jacket...

I'm just glad I'm not the only annoyed Hamilton reader.

Yes, yes the 7-year-olds would have a much better grasp on plot continuity. The grammar and spelling would be the same, so all we'd really have to miss would be the pr0n. Of course, plagiarizing some old Harlequins and Nan Ryan would fix that problem...

Argh. Snail trail!! And I'd just managed to bleach that out of my brain. Damn, back to downing brain bleach again.

Another thought would be to give her 4 sex scenes per book, with a 5 page maximum. And limit the number of times the words 'big' 'tight' and 'wet' can appear. Not only must they only be sex scenes that slightly squick her, but one of them must always be same sex.

That last is just because I'd like to see how many girl/girl scenes she'd write before she'd break down and write a guy/guy scene. If she ever would...

[kidkai.livejournal.com]

I don't like Anita either. Lothe her, actually. I'm really rather rooting for HER to die, thus, tragically ending t he series. Somebody who's not LKH can write an offshoot series with Jason and Asher and some of the wolves and vamps.

[vanity-lost.livejournal.com]

You know what I'd like to see? I would like to see a prequel with Asher/J-C/Julianna because Julianna is supposedly the total not-Anita. Unfortunately someone else will have to write it because if Laurell tried it, it would star Anita's former incarnation Juliana. And I believe I've already watched that tv series... *coughDarkShadowscough*

Don't talk about Anita dying. It only gets my hopes up.

[freyalorelei.livejournal.com]

I would like to see a prequel with Asher/J-C/Julianna...

OMG YES. SO MUCH WORD PIE IT IS NOT EVEN FUNNY.

I would give up a significant body part for that to exist, be well-written, and be a totally equal menage a trois (not Anita's version of a threesome, which is two guys absorbed in servicing her and barely touching each other).

And of course the awesome potential of this scenario will never be fully realized, which is perhaps one of the most frustrating things about the series...that LKH dangled this mind-blowing plot with all kinds of depths to plumb in front of our noses and never allows it to reach fruition. It's just SAD.

[vanity-lost.livejournal.com]

that LKH dangled this mind-blowing plot with all kinds of depths to plumb in front of our noses and never allows it to reach fruition. It's just SAD.

I think this is her marketing strategy. Really she has great ideas, and she -could- use them, but she sells more books by dragging us along, occasionally getting our little hopes up that maybe in the next book....

A sad hooray for untold stories. At least she cannot butcher them if she will not tell them.

[infidelkast.livejournal.com]

Hey, at least if she made were-penguins, she'd have to make them monogamous.

And being a person of non-faith (snark), it always irked me whenever Anita would ramble on about being Christian or whatever and how atheists had a huge disadvantage against everything spooky. She pushes her opinions onto her readers through Anita a lot of the time. I ignored it, of course, but it still made me gnarr my teeth.