Touring and problems

[naeko.livejournal.com]

There are two things I've been wondering about.

Do you think that Hamilton's limited touring for the last few books is due to her, or due to her popularity? It seems like she only does five or less signings. I know she hates flying, but has her touring schedule always been so limited? Is this typical of other authors? I wonder if she's telling her manager/agent, "I won't do an extensive tour; I'm too important and my muse needs me at home!" or do you think her manager just can't get her any more tour locations and dates?


The other thing, is what logic flaws always bugged you in the books? (Well, I guess we don't have to limit her lunacy to the books, though that was what I was originally pondering.) I don't mean things like, "Well, all that sex would DEFINITELY lead to chafing." I mean more like when we cock our heads and make the puppy Baroo? sound when she talks about how super high heels are best for a messed up ankle.

My two biggest headdesk moments (from before I stopped reading at CS) were Anita claiming that tight shirts can replace a bra and that Richard had to "bend nearly double" to kiss her. I nearly concussed myself when, in one of the later books, Anita doesn't have access to a bra (I can't even remember why, at this point) so she puts on a super tight shirt and claims that's all you need with boobs as big as hers. SO not true.

As to Richard, he's supposed to be- what?- 6'3? 6'4? And Anita is, depending on her mood, or the tide or something, 5'2/5'3/5'4. In high school, I was the same height difference from my boyfriend as Anita was from Richard and we never had any issues kissing. Boyfriend never strained his neck, and we never had to call in a chiropractor to adjust his spine. This whole "bend nearly double" nonsense always made me facepalm myself a nice, red welt.

Soooo, thinking back on the books, what little errors did Anita make that made you, even as a fan, cock your head in confusion?

Comments

[dreamstrifer.livejournal.com]

I'm 5' and I had a boyfriend who was 6'2". We didn't have problems kissing (we even DANCED once, omg! though I was wearing four inch heels at that point). I mean, it was kind of comical, the height difference, but it wasn't THAT comical.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

At my wedding, 4'10" me and my 6'0" groom danced easily with me in two-inch heels. Our kissing photos did show me straining my neck a little, but no big deal.
When we kiss standing, I stand on my tiptoes and he barely bends his upper torso. When we have sex in missionary, I just pull my legs up really high. We can't do it standing up unless I wrap my limbs around him and he holds me. No big deal. Anita whines too much about being short. I'd give anything to be even 5'0".

[txvoodoo.livejournal.com]

No, tight shirts wouldn't work. Nope.

My husband's a foot taller than I am, and we manage just fine.

[bibliotech.livejournal.com]

Agreed with both of these. I have no idea why she would think tight shirts = bra replacement, because...yeah, that just doesn't work. And I'm 5' to my husband's 6'1; the most he's ever had to do is duck down a bit to kiss me. If he bent nearly double, I suppose he could kiss my elbow.

[missingvolume.livejournal.com]

Depends on the author and the company when they book tours. But if stores don't want to host a writer then it is hard to book them in places other than big chain stores. It has been a while since she has been at one of the big name indy stores besides Powells.

[knowthyself.livejournal.com]

A tight shirt with a built-in shelf bra will *help*...but even that is no substitute for a real and actual underwire bra holding up the girls!

[lady-fellshot.livejournal.com]

Well, it depends on how buxom one is. I'm pretty comfy in shelf bras, but I'm not well endowed in that respect.

With how Anita is described... no simple shelf bra will cut it unless there is some seriously clever stitching going on too.

[chubling.livejournal.com]

God o__O Not for me. It is slightly better than wearing a regular shirt, but it doesn't do anything to help with support xD I need a bra

[archanglrobriel.livejournal.com]

The one that I remember most was in a shower scene where someone who was described as wildly over-endowed used soap as lube. UM. Now, admittedly, I'm a gay guy, but even I've heard that soap + vajayjay = painful, not erotic am I right? I recall really wincing at that one.
There's a couple of her more recent gay sex scene issues that have caused me to go "um...ow." Even for boys who like pain, there are certain activities when pursued in the way she describes...yeah, that's not gonna be erotic. That's gonna be "donkey kick off the bed" worthy. Even if you -are- a vampire; spit /= enough lubricant.

[nightmer.livejournal.com]

I'm actually going to defend the practices in both those scenes. A friend *cough* told me those can work totally fine and painlessly.

[starrysnafu.livejournal.com]

You know, I can kinda see what she might with the tight shirt. From what I've experienced, there's some shirts that are fitted to where if they're tight enough across your chest they kinda keep your boobs from falling down xP it's mostly shirts with those unstretchy, inflexible tight waists (hate 'em). If they fit normal-to-tight at your waist then they create the kinda catching-effect up top. Maybe it takes a certain kind of boob? Even similar size ones can differ in squishiness or shape, and that's not even taking into account bust-to-waist ratio, which I think is probably the main factor in it >w< wow, this comment made me feel like a creep lol. even so, while the tight-shirt trick might work (awkwardly) for someone who is mostly non-active there's no way in hell it would hold up with all the jumping and rolling around Anita gets up to. LKH probably never tried murdering vamps & having shapeshifter gang bangs while using her tight-shirt replacement :3

The fact that anyone wants to have sex with Anita never fails to make me Baroo? :/

[nightmer.livejournal.com]

Despite the many, many such errors none are popping into my head right now. But what's with Anita's uncanny ability to tell everyone's height to the inch at a glance? LKH's lack of understanding of the physics of long hair annoys me too.

[rebootfromstart.livejournal.com]

Long hair pulled back tight into a braid does not look like short hair. Especially when said braid reaches your ankles, Nathaniel.

[the-mome-wrath.livejournal.com]

Maybe they have a mullet? That's the only way I can think of that might actually look like short hair from the front.

[pandaemonaeum.livejournal.com]

I stopped reading at CS, but here is some of the earlier stuff that bugs me.

Any feminine clothing is automatically uncomfortable, or too long, despite the fact that 5'3 isn't actually that short. So Anita buys super-short skirts, and ALWAYS wears stockings with them. Why would you do that? Oh, and when she wears a skirt she always flashes her underwear at the room, I don't see how a person can manage that.

Matching the swooshes on her sportswear, and wearing sportswear EVERYWHERE. Urgh.

For 4 books or so, there didn't seem to be a man who didn't tower over Anita. 5'3 isn't actually that short.

The whole "If you don't date me I will kill the guy you're dating" schtick with JC. I would have staked him whilst he slept, marks or no marks.

The fact that despite her being a bit careless about killing vampires when they're technically citizens, and her consultant status with the police, the police always seemed to accept her as 'one of them', even though she swans in and out of crime scenes, patronises them, and behaves in a really inappropriate way. The book where she heads a SWAT team into a building where a newly-risen vampire has gone rogue made me cock my head in total confusion.

The fact that the city doesn't appear to have a crime or forensics lab, and instead invites Anita to stick her hands in corpses.

Her psychopathic jealousy of any woman who is taller, paler or blonder than her. Given that hair dye and make-up are available in the time period and world in which the books are set, why doesn't she just change her appearance to match what she thinks she should look like? And how has she gotten to that age, relatively attractive (scars or no scars) and not really dated?

In the later books, Animators Inc. is expanding, it's no longer a one-necromancer show, and she STILL thinks she can be a bitch to her boss, her co-workers, and her clients.

Finally, mommy issues. Why hasn't she seen a professional about them?

[fangedsekhmet.livejournal.com]

Oh, and when she wears a skirt she always flashes her underwear at the room, I don't see how a person can manage that.

I think she does a bend and snap.

[subtle-shades.livejournal.com]

Off the top of my head...

There are no laws. I mean, there are in theory but they're never enforced by anyone. The police *know* Anita's a serial killer outside of work and they... look the other way. If life worked like this, we'd all be armed to the teeth since we'd all have to protect ourselves. Also, there'd be a higher crime rate.

Have those people not heard of warrants? Why does no one look for dead bodies buried in JC's basement?

Why, exactly, do citizens have to be executed instead of put into cross-wrapped coffins when they're bad? Same question with weres and witches, different potential punishments.

Why don't the police hire a consultant with fewer anti-man issues?

The police *know* that she keeps secrets from them & *know* that she leaks info to potential suspects - why do they still pay her?

The infamous tight shirt from above. (Seriously. I have huge traffic-slowing boobs. They require *actual* support or there is eye-popping and stuttering from the male half of the population.)

She's the only girl in the universe. Seriously.

Everyone is *short*. Without poor nutrition being a factor, I'm not sure why there are so many men that're less than 5'6".

Everyone with fangs is French. Occasionally they're French by way of London.

No one ever just has fun or hobbies or does things for the hell of them.

Anita's complete, close-minded, condescending bitchiness regarding *everyone else's* kinks. Nathanial's extracurricular interests are *not* a mental disorder.

There's a scene where Anita and JC whip Nathanial on stage in a fairly mainstream strip club. (I don't remember if he gets off on it or not.) As far as I know, it *wasn't* a particularly fetish-y place before that. Why did no one complain or leave 'cause that wasn't what they paid admission to see?

Not wanting to have sex with members of your own gender does *not* make you a homophobe or a h8ter. It makes you straight.

Her various 'sweeties' have needs - needs that Anita refuses to meet, try to meet, or let them go somewhere else to have them met. Why haven't they dumped her? (And that's without mentioning the fact that she's got more 'sweeties' than a soccer team has members.)

There's no music or art or science or magical system.

All vamps work for JC or in 'his' area. Why aren't there vampires in anything other than the...er... entertainment industry?

[cousinmary.livejournal.com]

I agree with so many of these. Well, all of them really, but some have me ready to sign up for a news letter ;-)

The job, the height, the lack of hobbies outside dealing with Anita (which -is- a full time job), the kinks are icky until Anita does them, then they're fine attitude.

And yeah, where the heck are the vampire dentists? The office supply guys? The burned-out vampire hippies that keep trying to make coffin shaped bongs?!

[terrie01.livejournal.com]

The hair. LKH has apparently never even seen people with very long hair, let alone have any idea of what's involved.

[fangedsekhmet.livejournal.com]

This so much. I have hair to the middle of my back, and some days, the only thing stopping me taking a knife to it is the fact that my killer curls would turn into killer frizz. The length weighs them into manageability, but floor length hair?

Come on.

And on a guy...

[ellenel13.livejournal.com]

"You can't rape the willing"

Like, no shot asshole

[subtle-shades.livejournal.com]

Listen, she also rapes the unwilling, semi-willing, the drugged, and the has-no-idea-what's-going-on... and I beg to differ. You can rape the willing if whatever happens isn't what they sign up for. (Although maybe that sends them back to 'unwilling' on the consent flow chart.... hmmmm)

At any rate, I'm nearly positive that the word 'rape' doesn't mean what she thinks it means.

[nialla]

I have to wonder if the publishers don't want to deal with the Diva on Tour. It's costly and people will buy the train wrecks book anyway, if only to see how wrecked it is, so I don't think an author tour would be all that beneficial.

There's been some hints that while the books are selling OK, she's not meeting contract obligations with books turned in late. Publishers get kind pissy over that, especially when it happens repeatedly. That might be another reason they don't want to pony up the dough for a tour.

[naeko.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty sure that her behavior, the number of books sold and the tripe she's turning out are all contributing to the delay in announcing the next Merry book. Even though she didn't (and wouldn't, judging by her personality) say anything specific about her contracts being in jeopardy, I have no doubt that her recent break and the refusal to say ANYTHING about upcoming books were due to contract negotiation issues.

[elsandra.livejournal.com]

I've become friends with an author who writes mystery/suspense novels. His latest book came out in March and he's had to fund his own tour to support the book because times are tough and the publishers can't afford to fund mid-list authors. Another friend who is a paranormal romance author still tours but it doesn't seem to be as much or as many cities as before. She hasn't said who funds her tours so I don't know if it's her or the publisher. Maybe LKH's publisher can't afford to send her to more places.

As for the little errors, there are just too many to mention!

[magdalen77.livejournal.com]

I'm wondering if LKH isn't paying for her own book tours. It would explain why she has mostly paid appearances. There's only one free event on this "tour". Last tour she blew off the free appearance in favor of a paid event. Being self funded would explain why she has to make $$ on the events.

Super high heels? Que?

[maedren.livejournal.com]

When does she say that? I can't see how I skipped over THAT bit of amusement but apparently I did. Hmm... But anyhow SERIOUSLY LAME!

One thing that tends to bother me is the sex and health in general. I know this post isn't about that but I just wanted to bring a few points up. So Anita has apparently vast amounts of semen in her all the time? Yeast infection anyone? I mean seriously that is NOT good for vaginal health.

The way she treats Richard also bothers me. I mean I wasn't really a Richard girl when I was reading the books even pre character assassination but still: this new idea of him being a homophobe just because he's uncomfortable that all these men keep trying to do naughty things to him. There's a difference between being a homophobe and not wanting a male vampire to induce pleasure by biting you and trying to fuck you.

AND THAT"S ANOTHER THING! This vampire biting thing "oh its exquisite pleasure" etc. To me it sounds like a drug semi like ecstacy but no one ever seems to suffer any negative consequences. (Shouldn't like the pomme de sangs be all strung out and stuff?)

Re: Super high heels? Que?

[subtle-shades.livejournal.com]

Word on Richard - I didn't like him but he's not an awful character.

I would read a book that treated vamp bites as negative and had strung-out junkies. 'Cause the current glut of bleeding-flesh-wounds-are-hot thing always makes me blink and scratch my head.

Also, that yeast infection thing did not occur to me... and now I want to be quietly nauseated somewhere.

[rodentfanatic.livejournal.com]

People have pointed out a ton of things I'd ask, and some I didn't even think of, but these are a few others off the top of my head...

When are we going to see Melanie again? I realize that for an immortal being, swearing vengeance doesn't have to mean right now, it doesn't have to mean soon, it doesn't even have to mean in the next twenty years, but I don't think that Mel will have forgotten Anita as much as Anita seems to have forgotten her. And I don't think she's going to wait until Anita's a little old lady either--that'd be too [i]unsatisfying[/i] for her, I'd think.

Why did she come up with the pseudo-science about why there would be so few black vampires? It's not that I don't think it's an INTERESTING idea about a blood disease/anomaly providing some kind of an immunity, but why did she do it other than just for the sake of the idea itself? Showing off her biology degree, maybe? Because as it is, it just seems to me to be a way to keep black folk out of the Cool People Club. That's what being a vampire is in this series--the Cool People Club. You're sexier and awesomer and you'll get way more attention in the novel than any humans. If this was a different series (one where being a vampire was not the pinnacle of greatness and darkity dark sex) and some kind of plot was actually done with the immunity thing, I'd not feel so WTF about it, but because it was stuck in so randomly and because of the other factors mentioned, including Anita/LKH's weirdness about race in general, it seems to be a potential for some very Unfortunate Implications. On the plus side, I guess, it keeps any poor black man (unless he's a shifter---run, Jamal!) from having to fuck Anita, since last I heard none of her BILLION AND TWELVE lovers are human.

There was this one character...Vivian, I think?...who was described as being both dark and pale, like "ivory chocolate" or something...the fuck does she mean? Is she a light-skinned black woman? Black with very white features? Vice versa? IDK! It's like what I see on a lot of apps at this RPG site I play--on the appearance section, their skin tone is described as 'tan yet pale' or something similar and I still have no CLUE what that means...my best guess is they mean a light tan.

Why do shifters whose animal forms are not social beasts by nature still have groups, like the Pard? I don't think that werecritters NEED to be just like their respective animal in all things (in fact, I'd like to see more breaking out of that mold) but I'd still like an explanation for as to why this is. Even if it's just an obvious one like 'well, we're a marginalized group and we need to band together and have support from others who knows what we go through' it wouldn't quite explain why they seperate themselves by species (like, why does Gil need a skulk of fellow werefoxes specifically?) when they're all human most of the time and having to deal with being a leopard doesn't come off as much different in the books than dealing with being a wolf--sex, blood, social stigma, blood, sex sex sex, MAH BEAST.

And why are the shifter packs so heterosexistly structured? Always with a female and male head who just HAVE to be mates, conveniently keeping queer characters (or just one char who doesn't wanna be 'mates' with the other) or just two people of the same sex, even if they may be the best candidates, ruling the groups? Considering how fucked up IRL society can be around these matters, I'm not saying shifters have to be magically enlightened, but I'd just like some EXPLANATION for how and why these systems of leadership are in place, and if anyone (Sylvia!) has said something about how limiting, unfair, and potentially detrimental to the wellbeing of the group that they are.

Why does every ritual, whether it is to heal or to gain power or what, require sex? Come on, we know death and blood have power, that's what raises zombies, why is there never some vampire/shifter 'gain power/bond us/bring our friend back from death' deal that doesn't involve, say, the sacrifice of stabbing someone closest to you or giving up the strongest member of your group or just plain CHICKENS again for crying out loud?

Does she raise zombies anymore? At all?

lol word limit exceeded I am on a roll

[rodentfanatic.livejournal.com]

More rules/info about how witchery works in this 'verse, please? Cuz some of it was super cool, like that zombie made of tons of different corpse or the witch who was taking shifter skins.

How exactly is Voodoo part of Anita's MEXICAN heritage?

What what WHAT happened to Edward? Dear god, srsly, the fuck.

Why should Olaf view Anita as anything except his next mark?

Why are all the werebeasts call lycans/lycanthropes? Lycan means WOLF. Therianthropy is a real word, and since therian means 'beast' it's a ton more inclusive and accurate. I see this in RPs all the time too--no, your lamb/horse/mountain lion shapeshifter is NOT a Lycan! If I ever write a book or run a board, I'm calling 'em therians, and I wonder why she didn't, since I'd think she'd know that term, what with all her research.

Talk to some people who are in to *actual* BDSM. Please.

And I know it's been said, but...

MISOGYNY MISOGYNY MISOGYNY AGH WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP IT

[ladyniko.livejournal.com]

LKH and limited touring: She is afraid of everything, it seems. She's reportedly been harassed by a fan in a bathroom at a con (yet no one can ever find any evidence that this actually happened aside from LKH claiming it did) and has to travel w/ her whole Entourage (Truuuuuuuus!) who then clear out the bathrooms ahead of her going in... a lot of these folks are St. Louis based and can't always drop their lives to go surround her from the big, bad, public... (esp. now that Chuck's "deserted" her!)

Plus, I think that if she were to do more signings, she'd have to face more well deserved public criticism and she just can't handle that.

I think her popularity is waning and her manager is trying to make her seem "exclusive" by limiting her appearances - like she's super busy and can't do a lot of stops. Hell, it's a freaking miracle if she'll do a signing at the Borders in Crestwood which is right in her freaking backyard, so to speak! (I looked her up on yp.com and pulled her addy right up and she's just blocks from there.) A smart author is usually very good to their local bookstore - what better way to have a huge launch party than at your local store and they will be glad to work with you to make it a huge success.

She wasn't at Archon this past year, but she might show up this year now that we're back over in Collinsville and will have the space for her to not even half fill a room giving a pathetically monotone reading of her latest tripe.

[naeko.livejournal.com]

I live in the Seattle area and I'm *always hearing about authors doing signings at bookstores in and around the city. I think I've heard of Cherie Priest signings, like, once a month over the last year. She gets around, and probably sells a lot of books because of it. I don't know why Hamilton wouldn't do more signings in her own damn area unless she doesn't want to or the publishers just don't care to suggest it.

I have no idea how to find numbers for what she's selling, but the ones that someone had put up on the amazon forum awhile back don't speak well to her popularity. I'm seeing, too, more and more previously-troos-blogs popping up with, "Well, I used to like her, but it's getting repetitive. I think I'll borrow from the library next time."

dwg and I were talking about how the frequency of the covers changing is probably a desperate attempt by the publishers to appeal to a different audience to sell her. As it is, Hamilton has no "brand" that I can see. If you go to bookstores, you see three different covers for her books and you would have to do investigating to find out that, oh wow, these are all the same series. I think it looks bad, as a reader, myself.

Weight

[rararattlers.livejournal.com]

I was always bothered by the fact that Anita was supposedly short (though, as everyone's stated, 5'3" is not that short) and petite with huge boobs but weighs only 106-110 pounds. My mother once got down to 115 pounds at 5'3" and was entirely too skinny. And she's also otherwise fairly petite. And Anita also required a size 8 dress in one book. Anyway.

Re: Weight

[naeko.livejournal.com]

I would buy 106lbs on Anita if she wasn't also supposed to be well-muscled and a runner. My sister is 5'4 with big boobs (I would guess DD, but I haven't really asked) and she's 110lbs sopping wet because she is TEENY. She wears a size 0 in pants, has almost all of her height in her legs and is about as wide as a pencil. She was probably ten pounds lighter in her teens, and until she started doing gymnastics; she isn't professional or anything, but her full time job is teaching kids tumbling and bouncing and such, so she gets a lot of exercise and keeps herself in good shape.

However, Anita is supposed to be someone who exercises regularly, lifting weights and running (or was until she couldn't do anything that required pants or standing up), so she would be heavier just by virtue of muscle weight. The girls I knew in high school who played soccer and were dense, muscle-wise, usually came in around 120lbs at my height.

The weight thing is tough to judge, too, even without factoring in muscle and such. I sort of think that it's arbitrary or something because it never makes any sense. I'm 5'5 and a fat 240lbs, but I don't look it, apparently. When I go to the doctor and they put me on one of those weight-balance-scale-things, they always assume I weigh about thirty pounds less than I do. They start around 200 and then make a "What the shit?" face as they move the weight up and up and up until they get to my actual weight. Then they comment that I look big, "but not that big." I just explain I'm quite dense ;)

But my mother is only slightly shorter than me, with very large (implant) boobs and if she hits 120lbs, she's having a bad bloat day. She's thinner than me, but comparing my frame to hers, I would assume she's no more than 50lbs less than I am; her bones are filled with air or something. *shrug*

[beloved828.livejournal.com]

Seems as though many people are annoyed with the same things I am. I feel better now, lol. Here's my take on it:

1. Anita as every supernatural creature under the sun (moon, whatever): Anita is a necromancer (which is super-rare and incredibly special on its own), a human servant, a succubus (with her own servant/power triumvirate), and a Queen were-just-about-everything. What the hell? The necromancer/human servant thing was okay. I could even tolerate the necro/human servant/succubus thing, since it was tied together with Anita sharing vampire powers with Jean-Claude. But the rest is ridiculous. The series turned into a bad fan-fic after Anita wound up with her first "beast".

2. The weight/size thing: I am 5'2" tall, and at one point I weighed 100 pounds. My nickname was "Skeletor" and I was a size 0-01 in pants. My breasts are pretty big for my frame (between a C or D, depending on my over-all weight), but even so, my top size was only a 4-5. Nowhere NEAR a size 8. Due to health issues, I weigh closer to 140 pounds now, and I'm a size 8. My husband is 6'4" tall, and unless we're playing naked Twister, he's never had to bend in half to kiss me.

3. The impossible/silly/boring sex: LKH has stated a few times that she hates porn. Which is funny to me because she's been writing nothing but porn for almost a decade now. I do think that she could benefit from watching some of it because her sex scenes are unrealistic, silly, and/or just boring. She tries to be edgy, but her BDSM is ridiculous (real injury, disfigurement, rape and NOT safe, sane or consensual), or vanilla-boring (oh, Anita's being tied up! How daring!). It's almost as though the author never had much sexual experience from which to draw and just writes about what she *thinks* is edgy sex....XD

Sometimes, the sex is just physically impossible or would be incredibly painful. Many times, we're told that Anita can fit a man's entire package, scrotum and all, in her mouth during oral sex. We are also told that every man that Anita has been with is hung like a stallion. So, does Anita's jaw unhinge like a python's, or are stallions really, really tiny in the Anita-verse? Anita also never, ever seems to have lube on hand, though she might as well strap a mattress to her back since she's screwing so much. I don't care how wet one gets, if you do it with that many guys or that often, you are going to need some lube (and an icepack)or you're gonna be walking funny the next day. Soap also doesn't really work as lube unless it's not really soap, but one of those unscented beauty-bar deals (do not ask how I know that, just accept my word for it ^_~). The beauty bars work ok for some people because its really just a solid oil bar. Real soap washes away oils and um, other fluids that make intercourse possible, and the fragrance in soap irritates delicate tissue. Deodorant soap is the worst. I imagine that making love to Anita must be much like tossing a hotdog down a hallway, but even so, real soap is going to sting at the very least.

[beloved828.livejournal.com]

4. The ridiculous hair/clothing: No one with hair down to the floor can walk across a room without having to fiddle with it, let alone fight, screw, and dance. My hair is almost to my waist, and I roll over on it and get stuck, my husband and my pug dog get stuck in it, get it caught in my clothes, stuck in seatbelts, and get it caught in doors and car windows. In a fight, the first thing anyone would do is grab that pretty long hair and pull it as hard as they could. Since most of these guys are or are killing random monsters left and right, fighting would happen often. It's silly to imagine that anyone, especially someone like Anita, would keep hair that long. And why do all these guys wear boots that lace up to their thighs, patent-leather pants, and lace poet shirts? I picture Jean-Claude looking like a tranny at a Ren-fest. (which he does in the comic book). Given how much sex these people are having, anything that is tight leather and lace-up would be highly impractical (unless it has access panels). The same goes for fights and shape-shifting. They must just rip the stuff off their bodies. I wonder if Circus of the Damned gets a group discount at their local leather warehouse.

5. Police procedure? We don't need no stinking police procedure!: There is not one shred of truth in any of LKH's crime investigation scenes. None. I know that LKH has finally admitted that Anita doesn't operate like a real federal marshal (since LKH did little to no research), but come on. CSI is damn-near text-book compared with the AB series.

6. All of the relationships: Anita Blake is pure fantasy in this regard. No one but Anita gets to do anything that they want. Anita can bone the entire NHL, but if Jean-Claude wants to cuddle Asher (his lover of 200 or so years before Anita was a particularly bad idea in her daddy's head), Anita will leave him. Anita has a harem that would put an Ottoman sultan's to shame, and everyone is fine with that. Those that Anita doesn't sleep with are either A.jealous of her, or B.going to sleep with her at some point in the series. All of Anita's co-workers treat her exactly the same way, from people she's worked with for years to complete strangers. It's like everyone but Anita is a cardboard cut-out in fancy clothes with a tape-recorder taped to their backs. "Track 1: Anita, you are so powerful and sexy. I must have you!", "Track 2: Anita, you are a complete whore because you won't have sex with my pathetic human self and are so much more powerful than I!"

7. The characters: Most if not all of the characters in the series are fluffers for Anita's gigantic ego. Everyone wants to be, screw, or own Anita in some way. If a character disagrees with Anita, or is female, they are completely demonized and must be punished. Richard is a prime example of this. I sometimes feel like he's the only sane character in the entire series, yet he gets abused for not thinking that Anita sleeping with anything with a supernatural wang is a fabulous idea. All females are either lesbians, or jealous/crazy bitches, or jealous lesbian crazy bitches. All of the men, though they are supposed to be supernatural titans, are whiny, obsessive and helpless baby bunnies whom Anita must protect at all times.

8. All rules are made to be broken (by Anita): Any time LKH bothers to introduce a rule or magic system into her novels, it's because she's going to have Anita break it to show us how incredibly powerful Anita is. If a writer isn't going to live by the magical system that they create, then they shouldn't have bothered creating it in the first place. Otherwise, it's poor fantasy/horror writing and again, reads like a bad fan-fic.