Your predictions for Affliction?

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

Now, we know that this book's production was rather strange. We heard about sex toys being used for rescue gear, rock-climbing to a vampire's lair, and a generic-movie-zombie plot turning into a generic-screw-the-sexy-vampire plot midway through. We also heard about missed deadlines, runaway plots, and Edward possibly being haremified.

So what are your guesses for whatever malformed product will lumber onto the shelves come summer?

My guesses:
Chapter 1-12: Anita introduces us to her sweeties (AGAIN), and proceeds to have a five-way orgy with characters determined by Random.org. There is probably a passive-aggressive dig at people asking Hamilton for the new Merry book. At the end, Micah finally gets around to asking Anita about accompanying him to see his dying father.
Chapter 13: Anita is afraid of planes. Anita is afraid of planes. Anita is afraid of planes. Also, she doesn't like planes!
Chapter 14: We recap Blood Noir for no good reason.
Chapter 15: We finally get around to seeing Micah's hometown... for one page.
Chapter 16-26: Micah's father is deathly ill, and Anita promptly ignores him in order to talk down to qualified physicians, policemen, taxi drivers, phone sex chat operators, politicians, high-school principals, construction workers, professors, and janitors. At the end, she dry-humps a mop while musing on whether or not anyone has a point about her being oversexed.
Chapter 27-45: Anita gets into pissing matches with the local cops. There are ritual recitations of her scars, her weaponry, and her titles, none of which will ever be relevant to the story. In the background, Nathaniel Tweets "want 2b u, asher :( soooo bored w anita rite now", "meet me 4 bdsm @ local pub @ 5, ok? ttyl, plot about 2 move again", and "nvm, false alarm".
Chapter 46-49: ZOMBIE FIGHT!!!
Chapter 50 and Chapter 51: Well, you know.
Chapter 52-56: Edward wanders in and tries not to slip on the bodily fluids. Anita has a friendly chat with him, during which he gives her the entire backstory of the zombie virus, the main villain, and his local postal worker's fifth cousin's second son's third parakeet. Meanwhile, he surreptitiously sprays Essence of Tall, Skinny Blonde Female on and around his privates in a desperate attempt to ward off the Doomcrotch. It remains to be seen whether he will be successful.
Chapter 57-62: There is some kind of disaster, but Anita saves the day by deploying sex toys to ward off the villains. The zombies are either laughing so hard or fleeing so quickly to avoid haremification that they are rendered incapacitated, and the actual police destroy them with ease. Anita sneers and critiques their gunwork as she sits back on a lawnchair, Dev and Nathaniel painting her toenails, and plays Angry Birds on her iPhone. There is at least one chapter dedicated to her musings on how she can identify with the deep-seated rage of the birds and their fight against the jealous whiner green pigs of the world.
Chapter 62-70: Much preternatural politics and thumb-twiddling, during which the Doomcrotch engulfs at least one new harem member. Lashers, start your prayers now that it won't be Edward. The chapters look exciting, with potential for actual danger and conflict, until Anita saves the day with a deus ex machina...
Chapter 71: [INSERT PLOT EXPLANATION HERE, WHAT DOES WERETIGER UNDERWEAR LOOK LIKE?? DID THEY EVEN WEAR ANY]
Chapter 72: The location of the main villain's lair is infodumped by a lieutenant who defected in order to end the book already, a la Divine Misdemeanors and Kiss the Dead.
Chapter 73: Anita tests her understanding. The lieutenant curls up in a sobbing ball in the floor, murmuring "Kill me now" and "Death before Doomcrotch".
Chapter 74-76: Anita infodumps about rockclimbing. She manages to get every single detail wrong.
Chapter 77-78: FIGHT! Er... SEXFIGHT!
Chapter 79-81: METAPHYSICAL FIGHT! MUCH SPILLING!
Chapter 82-96: SEX! ANGST! TRAUMA! THE PENIS THAT NOBODY COULD LOVE! It turns out that the main vampire villain is the twin brother of an ancestor of Micah's, and has his own Dongzilla! But, alas, he is too wounded to heal (and has too much of a love for tall, skinny blondes), so he must be put down. Not before Anita samples his Wonderprick, of course. What do you take her for?
Chapter 97-99: Anita, Micah, and miscellaneous harem members have a long, soulful wrap-up of plot threads established during the book and [INSERT REST OF CHAPTER HERE, WHAT IS AN EDITOR??? DO I EVEN HAVE ANY]
Chapter 100: Epilogue! There are numerous ideas mentioned that won't go anywhere, anything interesting is shot, killed, and buried at midnight off-page, and Anita ends by whining about her own family issues and her inability to maintain a harem that doubles as its own small business. Her final line is "But there are some things that just aren't covered under Obamacare, and relationship issues is [sic] one of them."

Yes? No? Oh sweet Dracula no? Your thoughts?

Comments

[christwriter.livejournal.com]

You know, I must have been comotose when that chapter excerpt got posted because I missed it the first time around, and I have to say it: LKH likes boobs way, way, way too much. Also, I thought the punctuation in the BOOKS was bad. It looks like she figured out where the periods and commas went by shoving them all into a shotgun and pointing it at the screen.

If LKH were writing music she'd be Flo Rida. AKA a "hook artist". She can do that first couple pages relatively well enough to get you reading, and by the time you realize the plot will go NOWHERE, you're a hundred pages in and your dedication to reading forces you to continue.

So basically, yep. That's going to be it. Only we will probably open with something that, if it were another book attached to another character with another writer behind it, would be thoroughly awesome. There will be at least one "We should do something. Should we do something? We should DO something" conversation involving Friendcop at the 1/3 mark, followed immediately by an experiance pissing contest with Foecop and an equally irritating "I'm not giving up my guns" convo involving Preternatural Person about five pages later.

Whatever is doing the zombies will be awesome, and this will make everyone cry because it will get a plot dump intro and a hand-wave exit, and nothing else will happen at all. Or else it'll be a sign that the next Big Bad has risen.

[mystoflare.livejournal.com]

Dare we hope there WILL be another Big Bad, since Marmee Noir (*snerk*) got her energy sucked up by Anita? Too bad Vittorio got offed, I thought he had potential.

Hell, what COULD be the new Big Bad for Anita, at this point? She's too damn powerful, but also too damn stupid (seriously, have we seen her use anything but the ardeur more than once? I honestly don't remember at this point)

Though personally, I would laugh if a new Big Bad was an ordinary, badass human (like how Edward used to be), because LKH seems to consider us mundane, average, non-superpowered human peons to be the GREATEST THREAT TO THE UNIVERSE >P

[christwriter.livejournal.com]

Having the Big Bad be a normal human would be innovative and interesting and thus would not be something LKH would ever do. Seriously. I'd be utterly entranced with a book about how a normal human is the biggest threat to the paranormal community that could absolutely sell the concept as real.

LKH can't sell her way out of a story paper bag. So she'd never even think of the possibility, and if she did she'd ruin the concept totally. Probably by having Anita/Merry/Self insert number 9 screw their way out of the problem.

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

"Hell, what COULD be the new Big Bad for Anita, at this point? She's too damn powerful, but also too damn stupid (seriously, have we seen her use anything but the ardeur more than once? I honestly don't remember at this point)"
A good editor.

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

"comotose"
You mean commatose comatose? :P

"LKH likes boobs way, way, way too much."
I take it you haven't suffered through Bullet and its "creamy goodness" yet, then?

"Only we will probably open with something that, if it were another book attached to another character with another writer behind it, would be thoroughly awesome. "
That was for the earlier books. I'm not sure you can make a vampire hunter at a children's dance recital awesome.

"Or else it'll be a sign that the next Big Bad has risen. "
Anita's evil blonde twin sister? :P

[fadeinthewash.livejournal.com]

Hey, Anita does have a blonde half-sister, right? Her family has basically dropped off the face of the Earth for a while now, yes? Just imagine the wangst if her enemy was her cute blonde sister from the family Daddy totally liked better than Anita.

[magdalen77.livejournal.com]

Hamilton is wayyy too impressed with her own bosom. It's very strange. Calm down, LaLa every woman has breasts and many have much nicer ones than you do.