Danse Macabre Snark, ch 22
Jun. 10th, 2014 02:29 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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lkh_lashoutsUntil there actually is a chapter that isn't filler comes back, I'm sticking with the abridged style.
Micah: Oh Anita, you're finally up! We tried to wake you up, Jean-Claude's snoring blocked out our voices.
Anita: How long was I out?
Micah: Long enough to the vampires in this series to "revive".
Claudia: Yeah, we spent all day, doing nothing else. So don't worry, nothing important has changed.
Anita: Not even the plot?
Claudia: Especially not the plot.
Anita: * Her body starts to shift. * Oh no! My inner wolf is trying to escape and force me to actually suffer the drawbacks of my powers. Help me stop it so I can remain better than the rest of you losers!
* Goes into southern belle mode. * Oh the little ol' pain and agony. It is forcing my petite, yet muscular and big-breasted form to shift and bunch as my bones are feelin' they're popping out. * Everyone is grabbing one of her limbs while Graham is there with them. *
Graham: But what if she changed her mind about me and I accidentally hurt her, thus destroying my chances. Ok, fine, I'll hold her waist down.
Anita: Mmmm. The smell of cheap cologne and wet dog? That must be my inner wolf and it's trying to claw out of me like that roach transformation scene in A Nightmare on Elm Street 4...Oh no! I don't want to be compared to that. * Also for some reason, Clay's here and Graham is naked. * Wait a minute, you're not one of my boytoys. Get off me!
Claudia: But Anita, you need as much skin to skin contact as possible and they're the only one available and...
Anita: No!
Claudia: But they're young-looking, muscular, they actually like you...
Anita: No! Graham and Noel are a big, stinky doo-doo heads.
Claudia: How many times do I have to tell you naked doesn't always equal sex? See, they're not doing anything to you...Graham, stop moving your hips and grunting!
Richard: Did someone call for a characters who rapidly shifts from being pitiful to annoying?
Jean-Claude: Moi called you, misour werewolf. Petite needs zhee special help for vee are not strong enough and zhee story needs more angst.
Richard: I don't want to, because there's other guys on her.
Micah: Look, now you made Noel cry (that's in the book).
Richard: Richard don't want to help!
Micah: But your her Ulfric and...
Richard: Richard don't want to listen to kitty!
Graham: Oh shut-up and act like our leader, before the pack and I decide to actually do something about that.
Richard: Fine, but I'm keeping shorts on.
Anita: But it's not very werewolf-like. And don't lay on top of me like you're all dominant and don't breathe so hard and don't try to enjoy yourself and while you're at it, trim your nails and just because my wolf is not "truly white, but the color of cream, with dark markings like a saddle across its back and head. That dark cape was every shade of gray and black intermingled, and even trie white and cream wasn't truly white or cream, but mixed like milk and but-termilk" doesn't give you the right to say it makes me more of a Sue.
Noel: You know, Anita, if you let yourself change, the pain will leave and you can have a new power.
Anita: Then Richard won't like me because I'm not human anymore and I'd actually have to commit to him.
Richard: * His inner-wolf's eyes get all big and sparkly. *
Anita: Then I might lose all the other strains, I'll lose my position with the werelepords, I can't date outside my pack and collect more sweeties, I won't be able to bang that wereswan in the next book (this is real)...
Claudia: We get it, Anita.
Anita: I can't prove that I'm better than Marmee Noir, I'll be less special, I can kiss my chances with that underaged weretiger with the psychological issues in the later books, I'll lose the baby, Richard might be happy for once...Wait, my inner leopard is now trying to come out.
Everyone Else: * Groan *
Anita: That's it, I'm changing into the leopard, because I want to argue with Richard some more. Oh don't give me that "I'm sick of being angry" look, Richard. You know that every mortal woman in this series is just a jealous, white-bread meanie-head so don't think you'll ever find any peace. Now everyone else gets to touch me except you.
Claudia: So what special little snowflake is your leopard?
Anita: The leopard is all black and goth and shops at Hot Topic. It must be a sale since it won't exactly come out.
Nathaniel: Wait, give the leopard to me, that will help. Sure it will feel like puking out a hairball in my mouth and you'll be covered in goo from my transformation.
Anita: Oh great, now the lion is coming out.
Me: * Shapes fingers into a gun and pretends to shoot self. * Hey, look, now Auggie's two werelions and human servant are here. * Pretends to blow self in the head again. *
Haven: * Who also has a Cookie Monster tattoo along with the bright blue hair. No joke. * Me want Anita to use Cookie. Cookie don't care about personal freedom.
Jean-Claude: Did you forget that moi exists? Maybe ve were to hesitant on rejecting you guys.
Octavius and other lion: We don't really know about this...
Anita: Anita want Cookie Monster and Anita kind of want the other lion because Anita can.
Micah: Oh Anita, you're finally up! We tried to wake you up, Jean-Claude's snoring blocked out our voices.
Anita: How long was I out?
Micah: Long enough to the vampires in this series to "revive".
Claudia: Yeah, we spent all day, doing nothing else. So don't worry, nothing important has changed.
Anita: Not even the plot?
Claudia: Especially not the plot.
Anita: * Her body starts to shift. * Oh no! My inner wolf is trying to escape and force me to actually suffer the drawbacks of my powers. Help me stop it so I can remain better than the rest of you losers!
* Goes into southern belle mode. * Oh the little ol' pain and agony. It is forcing my petite, yet muscular and big-breasted form to shift and bunch as my bones are feelin' they're popping out. * Everyone is grabbing one of her limbs while Graham is there with them. *
Graham: But what if she changed her mind about me and I accidentally hurt her, thus destroying my chances. Ok, fine, I'll hold her waist down.
Anita: Mmmm. The smell of cheap cologne and wet dog? That must be my inner wolf and it's trying to claw out of me like that roach transformation scene in A Nightmare on Elm Street 4...Oh no! I don't want to be compared to that. * Also for some reason, Clay's here and Graham is naked. * Wait a minute, you're not one of my boytoys. Get off me!
Claudia: But Anita, you need as much skin to skin contact as possible and they're the only one available and...
Anita: No!
Claudia: But they're young-looking, muscular, they actually like you...
Anita: No! Graham and Noel are a big, stinky doo-doo heads.
Claudia: How many times do I have to tell you naked doesn't always equal sex? See, they're not doing anything to you...Graham, stop moving your hips and grunting!
Richard: Did someone call for a characters who rapidly shifts from being pitiful to annoying?
Jean-Claude: Moi called you, misour werewolf. Petite needs zhee special help for vee are not strong enough and zhee story needs more angst.
Richard: I don't want to, because there's other guys on her.
Micah: Look, now you made Noel cry (that's in the book).
Richard: Richard don't want to help!
Micah: But your her Ulfric and...
Richard: Richard don't want to listen to kitty!
Graham: Oh shut-up and act like our leader, before the pack and I decide to actually do something about that.
Richard: Fine, but I'm keeping shorts on.
Anita: But it's not very werewolf-like. And don't lay on top of me like you're all dominant and don't breathe so hard and don't try to enjoy yourself and while you're at it, trim your nails and just because my wolf is not "truly white, but the color of cream, with dark markings like a saddle across its back and head. That dark cape was every shade of gray and black intermingled, and even trie white and cream wasn't truly white or cream, but mixed like milk and but-termilk" doesn't give you the right to say it makes me more of a Sue.
Noel: You know, Anita, if you let yourself change, the pain will leave and you can have a new power.
Anita: Then Richard won't like me because I'm not human anymore and I'd actually have to commit to him.
Richard: * His inner-wolf's eyes get all big and sparkly. *
Anita: Then I might lose all the other strains, I'll lose my position with the werelepords, I can't date outside my pack and collect more sweeties, I won't be able to bang that wereswan in the next book (this is real)...
Claudia: We get it, Anita.
Anita: I can't prove that I'm better than Marmee Noir, I'll be less special, I can kiss my chances with that underaged weretiger with the psychological issues in the later books, I'll lose the baby, Richard might be happy for once...Wait, my inner leopard is now trying to come out.
Everyone Else: * Groan *
Anita: That's it, I'm changing into the leopard, because I want to argue with Richard some more. Oh don't give me that "I'm sick of being angry" look, Richard. You know that every mortal woman in this series is just a jealous, white-bread meanie-head so don't think you'll ever find any peace. Now everyone else gets to touch me except you.
Claudia: So what special little snowflake is your leopard?
Anita: The leopard is all black and goth and shops at Hot Topic. It must be a sale since it won't exactly come out.
Nathaniel: Wait, give the leopard to me, that will help. Sure it will feel like puking out a hairball in my mouth and you'll be covered in goo from my transformation.
Anita: Oh great, now the lion is coming out.
Me: * Shapes fingers into a gun and pretends to shoot self. * Hey, look, now Auggie's two werelions and human servant are here. * Pretends to blow self in the head again. *
Haven: * Who also has a Cookie Monster tattoo along with the bright blue hair. No joke. * Me want Anita to use Cookie. Cookie don't care about personal freedom.
Jean-Claude: Did you forget that moi exists? Maybe ve were to hesitant on rejecting you guys.
Octavius and other lion: We don't really know about this...
Anita: Anita want Cookie Monster and Anita kind of want the other lion because Anita can.
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no subject
Date: 2014-06-10 07:35 pm (UTC)The best part is that you're not actually exaggerating anything.
no subject
Date: 2014-06-10 11:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-06-11 11:03 pm (UTC)"Then Richard won't like me because I'm not human anymore and I'd actually have to commit to him."
Yeah, she thinks this, though Richard is clear through this whole annoying book that he'd want that above anything else. And then she gets angry at Richard for not forcing her to change into a wolf when she doesn't want to change into a wolf. Can anyone explain this to me? To me it reads like this:
R: I want to make love to you and marry you.
A: Well I don't want those things.
R: Well shit.
A: You'd hate me if you had sex with me and married me!
R: What? No, I love you, it's what I want. Will you?
A: No!
R: Well shit again.
A: Now you are proving you don't love me because you are not raping and kidnapping me!
R: ... the hell?!
no subject
Date: 2014-06-15 12:00 pm (UTC)