Blogflog - Filling up the Emptiness

[blogfloggery.livejournal.com]

Link: Filling up the Emptiness
Disclaimer: This blog entry is verbatim, as originally posted on LKH's blog. Copyright belongs to Ma Petite Enterprises.

You know that empty spot inside you? The one that feels like a bottomless pit that’s as wide as the Grand Canyon? If you don’t have one of these desolate places inside you, then you don’t need to read any further. Enjoy your happy and issue free life! But if you are like many of us and understand exactly what I mean, welcome.

I don’t know if I had the empty spot, before my mother died, but since I was only six at the time it’s hard for me to judge. Whatever the reason that caused that dark space inside me that nothing seemed to fill up, I did try to fill it up with many things. I tried books and reading, then I found writing and that worked for a long time. Then I fell in love for the first time and I thought that would do it, but no love outside of ourselves can completely fill that void. Years later, the marriage broke, and I vowed I’d give up on love, but dating led to falling in love with a friend. I thought this is it, this will work, and it did, it has, it is, but it doesn’t fill up the emptiness. Love is a light in the dark, but it does not destroy it all. I say again, no love outside of ourselves can fill that space of need. If religion fills that void for you, then wonderful, but though I am devoted to my path of faith it does not fill the hole. What Deity showed me, was the isses that dug the hole in the first place, and how I might heal the damage. If I was willing to work hard and experience most of the pain again, then I could heal, but it wasn’t guaranteed. If your God, or Goddess, promises you an easy path, and surety of success then you may not be hearing the voice of God, but the voice of something you want to be true. True faith is a path filled with many stones and thorns, because it is not the easy road that makes a warrior. If the word warrior doesn’t work for you, then find another, but its a good word for me.

I kept writing and I was successful, beyond my wildest dreams successful. I never thought I’d hit #1 on the New York Times List, or be the #1 best selling paperback in the country ever. These are all goals I’ve reached, but never had on my list of goals to reach. My goal for my writing was much more humble. I simply wanted to make enough to support my daughter and myself after my divorce. I’ve done a bit more than just support her and myself, a great deal more. I am blessed, and lucky, but as with most luck it’s because I put the hard work in before my opportunities came. Lucky people are usually prepared people.

All the success, all the books, and my wonderful characters and worlds, filled up part of me, because writing isn’t just a job for me, it’s a calling. Unfortunately, my calling didn’t fill up all the holes, or heal all the wounds. Having a child didn’t fill it up. I love our daughter, and she is great, but it’s not her job to make me feel whole, nor is it my job to make her a whole human being. Parents are supposed to give their children wings, but the kids have to learn how to fly with them. Hard to let go, but necessary.

So what fills up the hole? If love, success, money, art, children, marriage, sex, religion, faith, God, Goddess, if none of that fills that horrible emptiness completely, then what does?

I don’t know if anything does, there, that’s the truth. I wish it wasn’t. I wish I had a magic word, or pill to share with you and we could all be happy and healthy and whole. The only thing I know that helps that black emptiness fill up some is therapy, and facing the issues, the wounds, that dug that piece of my soul out. Therapy is hard, good therapy is very hard, but it’s the only way I’ve found to truly heal and cope, but that alone isn’t enough. For me, I need a strong faith, a personal relationship with Deity every day. Loving relationships, because what one person damages, another can help you heal. Animals, dogs right now, because I find that they are damn near essential to my happiness. Exercise, because it effects my physical health and my mood. For me it takes hard and frequent exercise to get me where my orthopedist says I need to get and stay, but staying out of surgery is worth it. Good nutrition, again effects health and mood. Time management, there is time to do it all, but not if I sit down and watch three hours of television, or more of movies a night. I like TV, love some shows, and love some movies, but I’d rather spend couple time with my husband, or our girlfriend and her husband, or have a good heart to heart talk with our daughter. I’m trying to get outside at least once a day, five days a week, because I feel better when I do. That’s the trick to filling up the void inside, to find what makes you feel better, truly better, which means when you do this whether it’s religion, exercise, dating, marriage, sex, parenting, building model airplanes, sculpting, collecting stamps, or playing the sport of your choice, whatever it is that makes you feel better, also makes your life work better. If what you’re doing dulls the pain, but makes your life worse, then it’s a crutch, maybe even an addiction, seek professional help and cut the destructive shit out.

You know how I said, love outside of yourself won’t fill up that empty space? Well, love inside yourself may. You need to love yourself. I know it’s hard, but its necessary. We have to love ourselves in the end, because if we don’t we continue to look for validation everywhere but inside ourselves, and in the end, we’re all we’ve got. Lovers, husbands, wives, children, bosses, jobs, houses, cars, flowers, pets, everything, comes and goes, but we remain. The face we see everyday in the mirror is our only constant companion. I used to think that was lonely, but I’ve come to understand that it’s not lonely, it’s just hard, but doable. If we’re following the path we’re meant to follow and doing the things we’re supposed to be doing we will find the people that we need and want in our lives. They will come to us, if they do their work, and we will help each other be better. That emptiness inside can fill up, I know, because mine is much smaller than it was, the difference between every ocean on the planet and now just a swimming pool and even that is getting smaller. I am healing. I am walking my path and meeting the people that I’m supposed to meet. I am learning from them, and they from me. We impact each other far more than we know, but as we heal and become more solid, we are less impacted by others, and our influence on them grows. So walk softly as you heal, and understand that others may not be so far down their paths, but walk softly and carry a big stick as Teddy Roosevelt said. Or as my faith would say, “Do no harm, but take no shit.”

If sharing part of my journey helps you, I’m glad. If you read this and are totally puzzled by what I mean, then you didn’t need this message. If you need it, I hope you do understand it, and f not now, then someday. Be well, be safe, be brave, trust yourself, and find people to trust, and be worthy of any trust that is placed in you.

Comments

[suzycat.livejournal.com]

She always gets the post book blahs, doesn't she?

I vowed I’d give up on love, but dating led to falling in love with a friend.

Here's the thing. If you give up on love, dating is not the way to avoid it.

[rodentfanatic.livejournal.com]

I admit to barely reading after a point so maybe this is explained, but why are her shoes at the end?

[dagonista.livejournal.com]

So people can tell her how awesome they are and how cool she is.

[korax9.livejournal.com]

You know that empty spot inside you? The one that feels like a bottomless pit that’s as wide as the Grand Canyon? If you don’t have one of these desolate places inside you, then you don’t need to read any further. Enjoy your happy and issue free life! But if you are like many of us and understand exactly what I mean, welcome.

Yes, because if you don't have a DARKITY DARK HOLE IN YOUR SOUL you have no issues ever.

I didn't read past this point and I don't care if her post is actually insightful. Not because I lead an issue-free life with no sadness or heartache, but because I think this introduction actually divided between two different groups: the kind of people who feel extra special over their melancholy as if no one else ever suffers VS those who don't and thus were already warned by this header.

Sorry, this is kind of bitter, but man. That's the kind of thing I expect from a fifteen-year-old, not someone who's older than my mum.

[apep727.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure that's how she meant it to come across, but damn if it didn't. The fact that she then starts discussing her ~*oh so tragic life*~ (yes, your mom died when you were six - are you still going on about that?) really doesn't help.

And then she ends it with a pic of her shoes. Yes, I'm sure you feel very affirmed after purchasing them. Good for you.

[korax9.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I often think a lot of the stuff she says isn't really supposed to be taken in the worst possible way, but jeez, is it too much to ask of an author to think about the implications of what they're writing?

[lliira (from livejournal.com)]

Yep, and even emotional issues must be a darkity dark hole needing filling up. Not so many emotions that they spill over and you can't control them. Not so many things you want to do that you can't choose. Not feeling so much about one single thing that it controls your life. It's always emptiness. Because emptiness is the pain Laurell K. Hamilton feels, so emptiness must be the only pain anyone can feel.

[korax9.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's weird, right? It reminds me of how she writes about many things. "He looks at me like a man looks at a pretty woman." "I did the girl thing and screamed." It's like every experience has to be applicable to everyone and then these giant incorrect group assumptions get thrown around.

[jessica collett (from livejournal.com)]

I zoned out halfway through. I can't tolerate that much generic life-affirming crap at once. If you want to post shoe picks, just do it with no shame. I do it all the time on my blog.

[world-dancer.livejournal.com]

I didn't read past the first paragraph.

But .... the picture really sums it all up with the vagina eye, doesn't it?

[lliira (from livejournal.com)]

I can't help but read the title as a double entendre. Moving past that...

So the trick to making yourself feel better is to find whatever you like -- WHATEVER you like -- and do it? Religion can be the same as sex can be the same as collecting stamps. Can be the same as buying shoes.

Empty as hell.

[duamuteffe.livejournal.com]

I am highly resentful of being told how I should interact with the gods, and how my spiritual path should look for it to be 'true.'

[plastraa.livejournal.com]

OK, I will admit this was a tl:dr post for me, so what I got out of it is that you can't fill your darkity places with mundane things like love, money, art, work, or religion. Then way down...down............down the page a picture of shoes. So obviously shoes can fill the holes in your soul. To sum up, buy more shoes, and pose with them. BUT only after writing a novel about other stuff first.

Did I get that right? ;)

Sadly, even though I think we are all complicated beings with hurt places in us, her posts seem so self aggrandizing it turns me off.

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

So ~money doesn't buy happiness~, ~success doesn't fill the holes in your soul~, and ~doing what makes you happy is what fulfills you~?

Congrats, most people catch onto this... after adolescence.

Look, I actually appreciate the sentiment behind what she's trying to say. It's... perhaps expressed in a crappy way, but I think she may be maturing and... expressing it incompetently. If it took her until her fifties to get her head straightened out... at least it's straightening out?

However:
A) she needs to edit;
B) this sort of thing easily blurs into nonsensical stream-of-consciousness. Combine that with LKH's usual difficulties with clear communication, and it's enough to make one's mind bleed.

I can't really criticize her on this post, for all that her writing is horrible and she usually annoys the crap out of me, because it seems like an earnest attempt to convey that she's feeling better about things that have been bothering her almost all her life and to wish people well who have similar internal struggles/difficulties/whatnot. If she feels better, that's great. And if her way of expressing it is nearly unreadable, it contains a good deal of her most annoying tics, and she over-generalizes as usual... eh, when it comes to this, it's the sentiment that counts. :\ *shrugs* I wish her well.

...Now, if I had to guess what that picture means (not including the obvious 'LOOK AT MY SHOES'), it's 'Put your feet up'/'now that I've written that, I'm putting my feet up'. I think. Er...
Perhaps she can learn improved communication skills in therapy?