Danse Macabre Snark, ch 26
Aug. 11th, 2014 04:57 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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lkh_lashoutsI'm back and hopefully you'll like this.
Me: First of all, love-slaves, I want to apologize for an off-handed comment I made about upcoming characters: Wicked and Truth. They are not visual rip-offs of Strider and Boromir, but visual rip-offs of Strider and Legolas.
Anita: * Holding up a sock puppet with the words, "Anita" written on it. * And that's why the naturally beautiful, intelligent, chaste yet humble puppet must use the other vampires as guinea pigs. * Anita-Puppet goes over to some empty soda cans with little Kleenx fangs glued on them. *
Anita-Puppet: You will all be enslaved to me.
Soda Vampires: No, we want to keep our free-will and go back to our sexy, blond girlfriends who look like that cheerleader who accidentally bumped into you in high school.
Requiem: Sound like a fine idea.
Wicked: I agree.
Truth: Me, too.
Anita: * Starts smashing the cans with her sock-covered fist. * I DON'T CARE IF SHE APOLOGIZED!
Remus: So does this mean that when this utterly fails like it should, me and the rest of the ugly shifters are going to have to clean up you mess?
Anita: I HATE YOU TIFFANY! * Looks at the others. * I mean, I totally agree with El Fuggo here. Why can't I choose the lesser good instead of the lesser evil for once. Oh Requiem, your look of total worship is so disheartening since there's none of the real you in it.
Requiem: Since when did I ever have a personality in the first place? * Puts on a poofy hat and holds up a skull. * Will you force me to share your favors with another, Anita? Or will I be as the heavens stretched between the heat of the sun and the cold kiss of the moon? Will you do to me as you did to Augustine?
Me: Yes, these are all lines from the book. Weep, folks.
Elinore: So does this mean Requiem now swings both ways?
London: Of course not.
Elinore: Not that it matters, most of you kind of look like chicks anyway.
Anita: Wahhhh! I'm enslaving him again and feel like doing another exposition dump of what was already mentioned!
Elinore: Hey, Wicked, Truth, speak up and say something useful.
Truth: I'm sorry, I was too busy listening to Anita drone for two paragraphs on how we look.
Wicked: So in other words, one of us is messy and the other one is neat.
Truth: Just to get things straight, I'm supposed to be pretty much the opposite of you in what ever you do? In that case, I should be ready to be disappointed in our master.
Elinore: You mean Jean-Claude?
Truth: Both, but since was Anita that had Requiem enslaved, she out-ranks him for us.
Anita: Yay! Now reassure me that Jean-Claude and I don't look like we're brother and sister. I mean, free Requiem from me without returning him to Belle Morte.
Wicked: But is it really that bad?
Anita: I just explained everything to you jerks in the last chapter. Isn't usually at least three chapters before you start toning me out?
Wicked: Then do you want him dead?
Anita: I told you...
Requiem: I don't want to be free so if I did anything to displease you...
Anita: AGGGGH! DO YOU PEOPLE EVER SHUT-UP?! EVEN I'M GETTING TIRED OF HEARING MY OWN LOVELY, MACHO VOICE. SO LET'S JUST ADVANCE THE PLOT OR HAVE ANOTHER SEX SCENE, BECAUSE I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. * Laurel K Hamilton comes in with a cattle prod and uses it on Anita. * Ok, ok. I have an idea. Requiem, you say you'll do anything so I'm ordering you to break free of your addiction.
Wicked: But that would actually advance the story so we can't.
Requiem: Anita ... I do not know how to break these soft chains. Once love was strong enough to break them, but without love, let me be covered in your silken chains. Tie me down, and let me drown in your sweet flesh.
Jean-Claude: Sacre bleu! Requiem is sounding fruitier than moi looks. Moi must put an end to this. So why doesn't petite use her necromancy to break the audeur? Eet worked when zhee more interesting Willie McCoy was possessed by zhee Traveler.
Anita: * pouting * But Willie dresses like he dumpster dives at a thrift shop. And I'm talking about the kind where it smells like cat piss and the sorters don't totally check for stains.
Me: * Starts zoning out a bit from the massive moments of nothing other than repetition. *
Jean-Claude: Fun fact time! Did you know that the ardeur overrides thirst for easy travel and less suspicion among the humans. So maybe feeding Requiem will help.
Anita: *blanks out * Wow, your face is so pretty.
Jean-Claude: Moi knows that my petite, but...
Anita: * begins hugging and squeezing him * I'm so glad I taught you how to be sentimental. You're not like Richard who keeps reminding me how blood thirsty and cold I am.
Jean-Claude: Anita, my ribs are cracking.
Anita: But if that was right, then I couldn't have taught you about it. I just love you Jean-Claude.
Jean-Claude: If I kissed you, would you please shut-up?
Anita: Only for two seconds if you sing the praises of my tenderness and that you're subtly and totally jealous of Micah and Nathaniel.
Jean-Claude: Eh, it's not worth it.
London: Guys, Requiem is stuffing his face full of Hagen-Das again. It's time you actually do something.
Anita: Oh fine!
Me: First of all, love-slaves, I want to apologize for an off-handed comment I made about upcoming characters: Wicked and Truth. They are not visual rip-offs of Strider and Boromir, but visual rip-offs of Strider and Legolas.
Anita: * Holding up a sock puppet with the words, "Anita" written on it. * And that's why the naturally beautiful, intelligent, chaste yet humble puppet must use the other vampires as guinea pigs. * Anita-Puppet goes over to some empty soda cans with little Kleenx fangs glued on them. *
Anita-Puppet: You will all be enslaved to me.
Soda Vampires: No, we want to keep our free-will and go back to our sexy, blond girlfriends who look like that cheerleader who accidentally bumped into you in high school.
Requiem: Sound like a fine idea.
Wicked: I agree.
Truth: Me, too.
Anita: * Starts smashing the cans with her sock-covered fist. * I DON'T CARE IF SHE APOLOGIZED!
Remus: So does this mean that when this utterly fails like it should, me and the rest of the ugly shifters are going to have to clean up you mess?
Anita: I HATE YOU TIFFANY! * Looks at the others. * I mean, I totally agree with El Fuggo here. Why can't I choose the lesser good instead of the lesser evil for once. Oh Requiem, your look of total worship is so disheartening since there's none of the real you in it.
Requiem: Since when did I ever have a personality in the first place? * Puts on a poofy hat and holds up a skull. * Will you force me to share your favors with another, Anita? Or will I be as the heavens stretched between the heat of the sun and the cold kiss of the moon? Will you do to me as you did to Augustine?
Me: Yes, these are all lines from the book. Weep, folks.
Elinore: So does this mean Requiem now swings both ways?
London: Of course not.
Elinore: Not that it matters, most of you kind of look like chicks anyway.
Anita: Wahhhh! I'm enslaving him again and feel like doing another exposition dump of what was already mentioned!
Elinore: Hey, Wicked, Truth, speak up and say something useful.
Truth: I'm sorry, I was too busy listening to Anita drone for two paragraphs on how we look.
Wicked: So in other words, one of us is messy and the other one is neat.
Truth: Just to get things straight, I'm supposed to be pretty much the opposite of you in what ever you do? In that case, I should be ready to be disappointed in our master.
Elinore: You mean Jean-Claude?
Truth: Both, but since was Anita that had Requiem enslaved, she out-ranks him for us.
Anita: Yay! Now reassure me that Jean-Claude and I don't look like we're brother and sister. I mean, free Requiem from me without returning him to Belle Morte.
Wicked: But is it really that bad?
Anita: I just explained everything to you jerks in the last chapter. Isn't usually at least three chapters before you start toning me out?
Wicked: Then do you want him dead?
Anita: I told you...
Requiem: I don't want to be free so if I did anything to displease you...
Anita: AGGGGH! DO YOU PEOPLE EVER SHUT-UP?! EVEN I'M GETTING TIRED OF HEARING MY OWN LOVELY, MACHO VOICE. SO LET'S JUST ADVANCE THE PLOT OR HAVE ANOTHER SEX SCENE, BECAUSE I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. * Laurel K Hamilton comes in with a cattle prod and uses it on Anita. * Ok, ok. I have an idea. Requiem, you say you'll do anything so I'm ordering you to break free of your addiction.
Wicked: But that would actually advance the story so we can't.
Requiem: Anita ... I do not know how to break these soft chains. Once love was strong enough to break them, but without love, let me be covered in your silken chains. Tie me down, and let me drown in your sweet flesh.
Jean-Claude: Sacre bleu! Requiem is sounding fruitier than moi looks. Moi must put an end to this. So why doesn't petite use her necromancy to break the audeur? Eet worked when zhee more interesting Willie McCoy was possessed by zhee Traveler.
Anita: * pouting * But Willie dresses like he dumpster dives at a thrift shop. And I'm talking about the kind where it smells like cat piss and the sorters don't totally check for stains.
Me: * Starts zoning out a bit from the massive moments of nothing other than repetition. *
Jean-Claude: Fun fact time! Did you know that the ardeur overrides thirst for easy travel and less suspicion among the humans. So maybe feeding Requiem will help.
Anita: *blanks out * Wow, your face is so pretty.
Jean-Claude: Moi knows that my petite, but...
Anita: * begins hugging and squeezing him * I'm so glad I taught you how to be sentimental. You're not like Richard who keeps reminding me how blood thirsty and cold I am.
Jean-Claude: Anita, my ribs are cracking.
Anita: But if that was right, then I couldn't have taught you about it. I just love you Jean-Claude.
Jean-Claude: If I kissed you, would you please shut-up?
Anita: Only for two seconds if you sing the praises of my tenderness and that you're subtly and totally jealous of Micah and Nathaniel.
Jean-Claude: Eh, it's not worth it.
London: Guys, Requiem is stuffing his face full of Hagen-Das again. It's time you actually do something.
Anita: Oh fine!
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no subject
Date: 2014-08-12 09:21 am (UTC)I don't even need to read the rest of the post. This makes the entire sporking. :P
*reads on anyway*
Requiem: Since when did I ever have a personality in the first place? * Puts on a poofy hat and holds up a skull. * Will you force me to share your favors with another, Anita? Or will I be as the heavens stretched between the heat of the sun and the cold kiss of the moon? Will you do to me as you did to Augustine?
Bahahaha! That's great exaggera-
Me: Yes, these are all lines from the book. Weep, folks.
...
I give up. The book sporks itself.
--
I never cease to be... astonished by this book. Nice job, and it's great to see this sporking return!
no subject
Date: 2014-08-12 03:38 pm (UTC)