a glimpse into LKH's mailbox
Nov. 29th, 2006 09:15 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
ex7asia.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
lkh_lashoutsDear Ms. Hamilton,
You're making us look bad.
QUIT IT, ASSHOLE.
Sincerely,
The Porn Industry of America
-----
Dear Ms. Hamiton,
It has come to our attention that you are responsible for the existence of a man named "Richard Zeeman." We understand that he is a lycanthrope, and thus cannot suffer any of the subversive effects of alcohol.
That said, we can't seem to get him to leave. He just curls up in the corner of our main lounge, holding a bottle of Jack Danials, and sobbing hysterically.
Please come and retrieve him. It's bad enough you talk to imaginary characters, but why must we be forced to endure it? Haven't we suffered enough?
Regards,
Alcoholics Anonymous
-----
Ms. Hamilton,
We hear you seem to be having troubles with the English languages. Not to mention that our International Department has reported blatant abuse of French.
Really, Ms. Hamilton, the U.S. get enough bad press without your assistance. Cease and desist, before we are forced to take drastic measures.
Hoping for a prompt turn-around,
Miriam-Webster Co.
-----
Vile Spawn of Satan,
What the fuck?
Feminists Everywhere
-----
Laurell K. Hamilton,
We are notifying you due to an impending lawsuit. Upon November 27th, a certain M. St.James contacted us about the many grievances you have placed upon her. You are hereby expected to appear at the Seattle Court of Justice and Morality on December 1st, where you will be tried for the vicious melting of our client's eyes, and the slaughter of her once intelligent mind.
Thank you for your time.
The Offices of Haurst & Jamison
Oh, and hi. I'm new. Nice to meet you all!
You're making us look bad.
QUIT IT, ASSHOLE.
Sincerely,
The Porn Industry of America
-----
Dear Ms. Hamiton,
It has come to our attention that you are responsible for the existence of a man named "Richard Zeeman." We understand that he is a lycanthrope, and thus cannot suffer any of the subversive effects of alcohol.
That said, we can't seem to get him to leave. He just curls up in the corner of our main lounge, holding a bottle of Jack Danials, and sobbing hysterically.
Please come and retrieve him. It's bad enough you talk to imaginary characters, but why must we be forced to endure it? Haven't we suffered enough?
Regards,
Alcoholics Anonymous
-----
Ms. Hamilton,
We hear you seem to be having troubles with the English languages. Not to mention that our International Department has reported blatant abuse of French.
Really, Ms. Hamilton, the U.S. get enough bad press without your assistance. Cease and desist, before we are forced to take drastic measures.
Hoping for a prompt turn-around,
Miriam-Webster Co.
-----
Vile Spawn of Satan,
What the fuck?
Feminists Everywhere
-----
Laurell K. Hamilton,
We are notifying you due to an impending lawsuit. Upon November 27th, a certain M. St.James contacted us about the many grievances you have placed upon her. You are hereby expected to appear at the Seattle Court of Justice and Morality on December 1st, where you will be tried for the vicious melting of our client's eyes, and the slaughter of her once intelligent mind.
Thank you for your time.
The Offices of Haurst & Jamison
Oh, and hi. I'm new. Nice to meet you all!
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-11-30 05:59 am (UTC)We're sorry to inform you that we are revoking your membership to the Gothic-Emo Decorators Association, for flagrant abuse of flair. We were willing to give the blood-red draperies a pass, but the frosted glass tables were the straw that broke the Count's back. As an elder gay gentleman, you are shaming stereotypes everywhere. Please turn in your collection of victorian lace, blacker-than-black crayons and your gauze fabric swatches.
And don't let us catch you crying about it, either.
Sincerely,
The GEDA
no subject
Date: 2006-11-30 12:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-30 06:30 am (UTC)Your shipment of vaginal wart treatment cream has just left the warehouse. While we were no longer in stock of the 25 gallon barrel, we changed your order to three 10 gallon barrels at no extra charge. Will you still need another order in two weeks?
Sincerly
Mr. Wartie's Cream Emporium
no subject
Date: 2006-11-30 05:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-30 01:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-01 09:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-01 09:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-30 02:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-01 09:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-30 02:53 pm (UTC)my poor Richard.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-01 09:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-01 09:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-30 05:31 pm (UTC)While we here at Good Vibrations are happy you use our lube and condoms, your bulk orders have left our shelves empty and our other customers are having to do without. Your weekly orders for 1000 of our 16 oz lube and a million of our condom sampler packs have depleted our supplies. We suggest you try another company such as Adam and Eve or perhaps therapy for your sex addiction. We may be sex positive, but you need help with your addiction.
Sincerly,
Good Vibrations
Dear Good Vibrations,
Don't sic the Blake bitch on us.
Sincerely,
Adam and Eve
no subject
Date: 2006-12-01 12:45 am (UTC)I WAS HERE FIRST, BITCH!
Truly,
Claudia.
haaahahahahahaha!!!! oh that's freaking priceless!! i thought the same damn thing when i read it. i bet even kirsten dunst was like, 'bitch stole my look'
no subject
Date: 2006-12-01 10:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-01 12:17 am (UTC)She'd probably take them seriously. ;)
*snickers*
no subject
Date: 2006-12-01 09:07 pm (UTC)You. Are. A. Goddess.
Seriously. I think that is the best damn idea I've ever heard. =D
no subject
Date: 2006-12-02 12:54 am (UTC)Soooo, anyone got Laurell's e-mail? ;)
I've always wanted to send her hatemail, just to see if I would get response.
BTW, welcome to the comm! Where all the intelligent, sane fans gather here to snark!
I got one, though it may not be as clever as all the others.
Dear LKH,
GET OUT OF OUR FANDOM! YOU'RE MAKING US LOOK BAD!
Sincerely, the members of the LKH lashouts community.