lkh_lashouts | The Harlequin, snark chs. 4-5

sharkbytes.livejournal.com posting in

Hello, my lovely lashers! I come bearing Chapters 4 and 5 of The Harlequin, snarked and ready to be shredded. As always, LKH quotes in bold face, my commentary and the like in regular font.

CHAPTER FOUR:

Anita and Nathaniel watch the movie, and it turns out to be the remake of King Kong. Nathaniel enjoyed it more than Anita did, because she "thought about letting her hands wander" but instead chose not to "start something [she] wouldn't want to finish in the theatre." How nice. For someone who complains that her manchild is a stripper, she sure does treat him like a sex worker. After the movie, Anita needs to use the ladies room, and asks a burning question: "Riddle me this: Why is it that there is never a line for the men's room, but the women's always seems to have one." Too bad that's not a riddle though. This, on the other hand, is a riddle:

I have walls
but I am not a house
I attach myself to every long-haired man in St. Louis
but I am not a louse
What am I?

Answer: The Crotch of Doom.   See? That wasn't so hard.

Anyway, while Anita is contemplating this life-altering issue, she gets a stall, and informs us of the hazards of using a toilet while wearing an inner pants holster. Apparently, the gun can fall in the bowl, and guns aren't buoyant, like pagers are. But not to worry, our intrepid heroine thought ahead and wore her shoulder holster. I'm not kidding, this is what she's discussing. Oh, LKH, you make it all so *~realistic~* explaining the various foibles of human life. <end sarcasm>

We get a brief mention of what a relief it is to wear a garter and stockings, as opposed to pantyhose, and upon exiting the stall Anita notices a package with her name on it resting on one of the counters. She assumes Nathaniel has left her a gift, calling him a "little dickens." She opens the box and sees a white mask. She assumes it's some sort of "bondage and submission" gift, and is uncomfortable with the idea. She exits, and of course Nathaniel has no idea about the mask, or who left it. They conclude that someone is messing with them, and decide to call Jean-Claude immediately.

Anita tells Jean-Claude that she got a present, to which he inquires, "what did our pussycat buy you?" She tells him that it isn't from Nathaniel, and that it's a mask. Jean-Claude tenses up, and asks her what color the mask is. She tells him that it's white, and he "let out a breath...and spoke softly and heatedly in French for several minutes." Finally, he tells Anita that it's good news, because "white means they have come to observe us rather than harm us." Anita still doesn't know who this mysterious "they" is, and Jean-Claude isn't very forthcoming with the information. He does mention that "they are the closest thing to police that...vampires have. But they are also spies, assassins."   Pity they sound a bit campy, then. Assassins of the 'Pardon me, my teeth are in your neck' variety.   Calling a super secret group of assassins "harlequins" is a bit odd to me. Kind of like hiring a bodyguard named Chuckles. He may well be badass, but come on.

Apparently, they were the ones who took out the Master of London when he went berserk, which landed all those London vampires in St. Louis.   Anita is a bit disbelieving, since none of the Londoners ever mentioned it, and Jean-Claude informs her that if they had said anything about it, they would have been killed. The rule is that they can discuss it amongst themselves when the Harlequin are there, but once they leave it must be kept secret. Finally, he tells her that since there's a lot to discuss, they need to cut the date short and head over to Guilty Pleasures.

After the conversation, Nathaniel whispers to Anita that a couple that had been staring at them is beginning to approach. The woman recognizes Nathaniel as Brandon, her favorite stripper, and although she doesn't know her name, also recognizes Anita from the one time she had been on stage.   Anita is mortified, especially when the woman tells her how erotic the show was, and how much she and her boyfriend enjoyed it. The couple wants to know when they'll be on stage again, and Nathaniel explains that it had been Anita's first time on stage. The boyfriend, named Greg, comments that it didn't look like her first time, and Anita, clearly uncomfortable, starts shooting looks at Nathaniel. Nathaniel attempts to wrap up the conversation, letting the couple know when he'll be on stage next, and Greg asks Nathaniel what Anita's name is. Anita didn't want him to know her real name, and Nathaniel picked up on that and told them that Anita's stage name was "Nicky."

CHAPTER FIVE:

Anita and Nathaniel are headed for the car, and it's quite clear that Anita is furious. Mentally, she notes that she was "more embarrassed than angry" but since she hates being embarrassed, she masks it with anger.   And Anita is determined to be angry, despite the irrationality of it.   Finally, the get to the parking lot and she asks "what the fuck kind of name" is Nicky, and Nathaniel tells her that it's one he would remember. She pushes him away and tells him that she's "never going to be on stage again" and therefore doesn't need a stage name. Oooh, she's never gonna dance again.   Guilty feet have got no rhythm, I suppose. Which makes a ton of sense, considering that she told us that she really didn't want the happy couple to have her real name.

Nathaniel tells her that by giving them a stage name, they won't equate her with a federal marshal. Silly boy...no one would equate Anita with a federal marshal.   Not even the Keystone Kops. He had done so because he knew how embarrassed Anita was when Detective Jessice Arnet saw her on stage that particular night. Anita agrees, and says that she's still "waiting for her to tell the rest of the police."
Nathaniel says that won't happen, because "she can't admit she saw [Anita] without admitting she was there."

Anita argues that Detective Arnet has no need to feel shy about it, considering "cops go to strip clubs all the time," and Nathaniel informs her that Arnet had gone to see him, and not the show. Anita is suitably shocked, and learns that the Detective had paid him for a private dance. There's a big info dump on who this woman is, and for those who don't really remember, I'll summarize and say that she is the detective on RPIT who has a crush on furball, and who was also at Tammy and Larry's wedding.

At any rate, it's a moot point, because Arnet didn't even get the dance she paid for, as "she was too uncomfortable" to really ask for it. Maybe it's just me, but I thought approaching a dancer and handing over cash at a strip club was tantamount to asking for some private time. It's not as though she was at a high-school dance, hoping the ridiculously coiffed object of her affection wouldn't turn her down at the punchbowl. It's more like metered parking: for 25 cents, you get to call a parking space your own. Even if you never had a parking space before in your life, you don't have to ask special permission to park yourself there once you've paid. But after a half hour, it ceases to be yours and you can be escorted from the premises.

But Jessica Arnet simply chatted with Nathaniel, trying to get him "to admit that [Anita] was abusing [him]." Nathaniel goes on to say that he hadn't told Anita because she was already in the middle of "some messy murder investigation" so he went ahead and handled it.   Anita changes the subject slightly, and asks Nathaniel if he really believes that giving that random couple a stage name will "keep them from making the connection to Anita Blake." He says that they'll likely just think of her as a "stripper named Nicky and that's it."

Anita wonders why he chose that particular name, and Nathaniel tells her that he knew he'd be able to remember it, as his name was "Nicky Brandon" when he made porn movies. Oh, the irony! Sure LKH, you didn't start borrowing your ideas from Buffy. Nooo, surely no one will notice that "Nicky Brandon" = Nicholas Brendon, the actor who played Xander.   Way to be stealth like the ninja. Why not just call him Tommy Crooze, and hope no one remembers who played Lestat.   Anita isn't sure if she should "be flattered or insulted" so she decides that she won't fight with him until she's sure they're actually fighting.

Nathaniel assures her that it isn't a fight, and tells her that she's angry because she really hates when people recognize him as a stripper. He goes on to say that in this instance, someone recognized her the one time she was on stage, and she's really embarrassed that "anyone would think [she] could be a stripper." Anita argues that this isn't true, but Nathaniel insists that it is, and to prove his point, he tells her to call him an exotic dancer the next time she's introducing him to people, rather than implying that he's just a regular dancer.

Anita mentally admits that she would never introduce him that way, and Nathaniel tells her that he doesn't want her to be ashamed of his job. Anita still claims that she isn't, but instead of continuing to argue, Nathaniel just curtly tells her, "fine, have it your way." Anita is annoyed that he won't fight with her, and even more annoyed that he's right. We get a brief infodump about Nathaniel's past life as a drug-addled porn-filming prostitute, with Anita being careful to add that since lycanthropes can't catch sexually-transmitted diseases, she ignored a lot of aspects of Nathaniel's past.   Oh, of course, don't forget to tack that little piece of info on. We wouldn't want to think he's seedy *and* diseased.

In an effort to change the subject, Anita asks Nathaniel if he wants to know what Jean-Claude told her about the mask. He doesn't do cartwheels at the sound of her voice, so Anita assumes he's still angry, and apologizes for not "being completely comfortable with [his] job." Nathaniel is somewhat mollified that she can at least admit to that fact, and they briefly discuss what Jean-Claude had told them.   Nathaniel is surprised that Anita didn't press for more details over the phone, and she tells him it was because she wasn't sure "what the happy couple wanted," and this starts the whole stupid argument all over again.

There's a mention of some incident where Anita had been out to dinner with Nathaniel and Micah, and some old broad who turned out to be one of Nathaniel's former customers slipped him her number, assuming that Nathaniel was still a hooker, and that Anita had paid for the pleasure of both his and Micah's company.    Which means that she's also an idiot. One look at Micah and you'd have to know that no one would be paying him to be arm candy.

Anita finally busts out with the truth, that she is mortified not only that she had been on stage, but that she had marked Nathaniel in public, and that she fed off of the entire audience. Nathaniel tells her that Jean-Claude was able to share the power from that feeding with everyone because the ardeur had gone out of control. Anita asks why Nathaniel is telling her this now, and he tells her it's because he's mad at her. He's angry that the date is ruined, and that "some metaphysical crap is going to ruin [their] almost-anniversary." He really ought to be jotting these gems down for Hallmark. Front of Card: So sorry some metaphysical crap ruined our almost-anniversary... Inside of Card: I'm sure next year you'll find new ways to make me feel like crap in our almost-relationship.

Anita gets uppity and tells him that she didn't plan it, and he reminds her that there is no such thing as a "normal date" when she's concerned. Anita snaps at him, saying that if he doesn't like the situation, he doesn't have to remain in it.   Nathaniel asks if she really means that, and she says that she didn't, but that she's "not used to [him] picking at [her]...that's usually Richard's job."

You know, I poke a lot of fun at Nathaniel (and of course I'll continue to do so) but in this case, I feel sorry for the dustmop. The poor idiot bought into her big lie hook, line, and sinker. What big lie is that? That she truly loves all of her boyfriends, so it's okay to have a lot of them. If she really loved him, she'd at least acknowledge the fact that he's a submissive. Unfortunately, Anita thinks submission is just a lack of assertiveness. She's encouraged him to be more dominant when it comes to speaking his mind, and completely ignored the fact that he likes a little pain with his pleasure. I don't see why he doesn't just call Asher and ask him to pull his hair and dribble some hot candle wax on him so it looks like they have matchy-scars.

Nathaniel is furious that Anita would compare him with Richard, and I really can't blame him. This is pretty much the first argument I've ever seen them have, and she flies off the handle because someone remembered that she bit him on stage at a club one night. Wow. The nerve of those people! Assuming someone performing a sexual act on stage at a strip club was indeed....a stripper?!!? Insolent fools! There's an infodump about The Saga of Anita and Richard, as told by The Person Who Was Always Right.

Nathaniel wants to know if Anita would have had such a problem if Richard had been a stripper, and Anita tells him to just drop it. Nathaniel's pretty furious right now, and some energy flares because his beast is pissed as well. Anita whines that he's picking on her, and he tells her that even though he believes that she loves him, he also thinks that she loves him "by hiding from what [he] is." He begs for her acceptance, and she insists that she already accepts him.

Nathaniel says that if that were really the case, she'd be more open to his submissive nature. He mentions that she won't tie him up, and swears that "the bondage is part of who [he] is." Anita mentally notes that this is one of the reasons she fought "to stay out of Nathaniel's love life, " as she knows she isn't comfortable with the "bondage scene."

While Anita mulls this over, Nathaniel tells her that sometimes she makes him feel "better about [himself] than anyone ever has," but at the same time she makes him feel "bad about [himself]...like an evil freak, because of what [he] wants."   It seems like this has been the longest car ride in existence, and finally Anita parks the car at Guilty Pleasures.   She takes her sweet time parallel parking, because she doesn't know just what to say.   I just realized that Anita is treating Nathaniel the same way Richard had treated her. He was uncomfortable with her chosen lifestyle, and instead of bending a little bit, he made her feel badly about the choices she made. Don't get me wrong, I sided with Richard quite a bit, as I didn't like seeing my tough heroine humping away like a bulldog on barbiturates. But the irony here is pretty thick.

Finally, she tells Nathaniel that she loves him and doesn't want him to feel bad about who he is.   Nathaniel admits that he's scared that this will drive her away, but he's talked about it with his therapist, who told him that he's "either a full partner in the relationship, or [he's] not. Full partners ask for their needs to be met." Anita had hoped that the therapist would be on her side, and laments the fact that "BDSM was no longer considered an illness. " Whaaa? Oh you have to be kidding me. The fact that LKH/Anita would long for the days when the "depraved" practitioners of BDSM were deemed mentally ill is mind-boggling. What a fat lot of douchebaggery.

Anita tells him that it isn't just the "tying up" that scares her, it's that if she agrees to it, there will likely be "something else." Nathaniel astutely points out that what is scaring her is that "[she] might like it." He reminds her that she likes being held down during sex, and she lamely replies, "not all the time." He says that he doesn't like bondage all of the time, and it isn't fair that he's viewed as wrong for it. He then asks her if she would be "okay with [his] finding someone else to meet those needs."   Way to go, Nathaniel! *shakes sharky pom-poms* It's about time someone splashed Anita with some of her own shit.

His argument is quite sound, and I can't find fault with it. He points out that she has "other people in her bed" and that if his needs aren't met, he should be afforded the same privilege. While she realizes the hypocrisy of it, she immediately thinks that she won't share him, despite "forcing him to share [her] with other men."

Nathaniel offers to find a Master "who doesn't do sexual contact," and Anita can't find some neat way to backpedal so she tells him that she can't discuss this at the moment, because she doesn't "deal well with ultimatums." There's a bit more discussion about how neither of them want to end it, blah blah, but they're at a stalemate for now. Anita says she "can't promise that this won't eventually break" her, but does agree to think about things. They finally leave the car, heading into guilty pleasures. as Anita contemplates whether she'd be able to "send him to a stranger for slap and tickle."

Current Mood: shocked
Current Music: the sisters of mercy