All I need to know in life

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

I was thinking about the important life lessons that Anita Blake can teach 

Here's a few I figured out 

1. People need to be controlled. Those that attempt to think for themselves need punishment
2. Sex gets you anything you want
3. Size does count
4. It's okay to respect no one's rules/opinions except those that agree with you
5. Your lovers needs aren't as important as your own
6. If you have sex with a person it must be love (or because the world will end if it doesn't happen) 
7. Rape happens to everyone. The best way to deal with it is to tell your bestest friend/lover... not an authority figure like your parents or the police
8. Violent sex is good sex
9. Feminism means being called Ms.
10. Everyone I don't like is a bigot 

Anyone else got one (or a dozen for that matter )

Comments

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

He's a slut. You just have the ardeur.

Girls never, ever, EVER take it up the back door.

Job? What job? I need to have sex.

[teamlexana.livejournal.com]

"Girls never, ever, EVER take it up the back door."

Except when being raped by thier so called soul mate who uses liquad soap to lube up his monster sized dong of course. But even then, no matter! The author will later forget that the Merry-Sue has been taken in the ass at least once before later on. Afterall, what respectable Merry-Sue isn't a butt virgin?

[gothic-fae.livejournal.com]

One of my friends along time ago followed the Anita Blake rules of Engagement… and I swear most of these were in her rules book…

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

What is the Anita Blake rules of engagement?

[gothic-fae.livejournal.com]

It’s just a nice way of saying ‘Anita Blake Insanity’

I had introduced her to the books (I had just finished Bloody Bones) when she saw Anita as the second coming and based her entire life around it… often referring to her friends as ‘her pard’ and giving us all AB pet names… It was insane and that’s when I started referring to it as the Rules of Engagement… because every time she engaged in dealings with new people she would think of her self as Anita…

(Gah… I never realized just how much working it takes to explain my brain)

[recovered-dream.livejournal.com]

THAT is horrifying.

I seriously have goosebumps just thinking that there is anyone who lives like that.

Glad she was your friend and not mine.

[gothic-fae.livejournal.com]

*twitches* I remember when she refused to call me by my name… I was her Nathaniel…

It took me forever to realize that she wasn’t healthy and I needed to get away before I ended up being forever scarred…

(btw… I’m female… I still have no idea why I was her Nathaniel…)

[recovered-dream.livejournal.com]

EEEK!

Between the forced gender bender from her and that she called you by the name of the most damaged non-vamp, that's just too scary.

Don't tell me any more...I'll have nightmares.

Glad to hear you got clear of anyone that deranged!

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

Totally scary

[deadsong.livejournal.com]

...and...how old was this person?

[gothic-fae.livejournal.com]

She was still doing this as of early '06... She was 22… after Feb. I’m not sure seeing as how I ran far away.

[ravenclaw-devi.livejournal.com]

I'm terrified just hearing about it, so... my sympathies to you.

[teamlexana.livejournal.com]

*in shock*

Damn. I would have taken that as a personal insult and demanded BLOOD. Or maybe, you just smell of vanilla? ;) That's not sooooo bad. It means she thinks you bathe often and use vanilla lotion, lol. Other then that, yeah, BLOOD!

Only thing worse is if you were her Micah or Claudia. *cringes* Now THAT would be a killing offense for me.

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

I don't know... I think Nathanial would be a killing offense for me. Actually the only character that she could name me after that wouldn't be a killing offense at this point is Edward (not TED)

[amamelina.livejournal.com]

Oh, that sounds like a call for the men in white coats.

[gothic-fae.livejournal.com]

I'm not exactly sure what else you would like to know...

(Though this is nice Therapy)

[world-of-eos.livejournal.com]

-Homosexual intercourse is gross. Bisexual petting is okay (but only for boys)
-Double standards are fun!
-Age is just a number written on a sticky note that got lost behind the computer
-All thesauri should be burned
-No one who is capable of going out and researching a subject should be allowed on a police task force, ever
-Monsters are okay as long as they're pretty

[recovered-dream.livejournal.com]

Hey now, #8 is a good lesson!

Now, if you had said ONLY violent sex is good sex, then I'd have figured it was an AB rule ;)


To add to the list:

- Screw the nearest rich guy so he buys you lots of things. This is not prostitution, it is playing it smart!

- Remember that saying no does not make it rape.

- Interfere in affairs that do not concern you. Run the lives of those around you so you don't have to see how hideously useless your own life is.

- Anyone who doesn't worship you is loaded with hate and should be pitied.

- Hide things from your best friend and berate them until they walk out on you. Then blame them for every problem the freindship developed.

- If someone says you are wrong, kill them.

- Let yourself be taken over by every vampire in town rather than make a full commitment to the vampire you claim to serve.

- Pretend until you believe your own lies.

- When given the chance to kill a serial killer, let them live because they have a crush on you.

- Degrade your strongest backup for daring to fall in love with one person instead of 20.

[pandaemonaeum.livejournal.com]

The more I read these, the more I want to send LKH the 'Evil Overlord' list. Because she's seriously breaching loads of the rules!

[easol.livejournal.com]

Lesbians are evil.
Women who like sex are evil.
Men are evil if they don't sleep with you.
Love means doing exactly what I say.

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

Love means doing exactly what I say

-I think that is exactly what LKH thinks

[aramuin.livejournal.com]

- Sex is never about a good time/blowing off steam. There must some pressing external reason to have it at all.

- Mid-coitus is the perfect time to have a conversation, particularly with people who aren't involved in shagging.

- There's no such thing as a gay man who can't be 'fixed' by the fucking 'love' of a proper woman.

- Having an interest in BDSM is a sign that you have been abused or are a sociopath.

- No matter how rough the sex, if your partner stops to check on you, dismiss their concern as fast as possible.

[tsula.livejournal.com]

When in doubt, add a comma.
Grammar is for pussies!

[randomsome1.livejournal.com]

It's not beastiality if they're really were-critters, no matter what form they're in.

Calendars are awesome research material.

It's not technological illiteracy, it's a phobia.

[ravenhaley.livejournal.com]

You shall worship the Diety.

Young lovers are the best and it doesn't make you a child molester.

Evening Death has feeling?

Every female is just jealous against the most powerful being.

To win against every "bad guy" just have sex with the person next to you.

Condamned the people around you who think you are out of control.

Sex is the question and yes is the answer.

"Fuck me while I'm tight" will alway lifts your lover's "spirts".

Long hair is a must.

Always have a whipping boy to blame things on.

No one shall die.

[teamlexana.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry but "Fuck me while I'm tight" both disgusts me and sends me into a giggle fit everytime I read it. Anita?! Tight?! Hahahahahahahaha! With all the fucking she does, she's lucky the men can feel it at all.

[kerame.livejournal.com]

-At the office:
Treat your boss with open contempt
Dress like a slut
Have loud, messy sex
It's not like he could ever fire you for behaving unprofessionally

-Pretend to want a committed relationship from a man until you know he loves you. Make up a sob story about an early heartbreak so he will feel like a cad if he tries to touch anything below your shoulders without a diamond in his pocket.

-Give in to sexual blackmail. It doesn't mean you're stupid and weak.

-Once a man has jumped through a million hoops to prove that he loves you, start spreading your legs for every hot guy in town, starting with his blackmailer. It will only make him want you more.

-If your enemy does something, they are evil. If you do the same, you are practical

- If someone is critical of your metamorphosis from controlling prude to controlling slut they are:

a) jealous
b) jealous and a bigger slut than you

- It's weak, stupid and selfish to try to give the plebes a voice in their government. They all want a brutal ruler who will force them to obey. It makes them feel safe.

- It's hot to use a severely psychologically damaged virtual child under your guardianship for sex. You're not continuing his pattern of abuse. As a sign of your consideration, you even allow him to clean your house for you.

[teamlexana.livejournal.com]

That's my favorite list so far. Well, favorite as long as I don't think about the actual book series for too long. :(

[moonsinger.livejournal.com]

How about you can have sex with whomever you want and instead of getting Herpes or AIDS, you can get nifty cool powers?

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

Erm-or pregnant either

[moonsinger.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that, too.

[teamlexana.livejournal.com]

Oh! I got one!

If a male dares to be loyal to his wife then said male and wife must die and his leadership replaced with a tryant who will abuse and kill those formally under the evil loyal husbands' protection. But don't worry, the tryant is ANOTHER soulmate to the Marry-Sue, so that makes it all A-Okay. *headdesk*

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

How did I forget the forceful removal of those men who are faithful to their wives?

Poor Joseph and the Regina. I hope they went onto a better place

[easol.livejournal.com]

Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless Anita wants you to.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's penis, unless "thou" happens to be Anita.

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

I am sooo designing a deluded villain around the Anita rules for my next book

[easol.livejournal.com]

Sex will heal your booboos.
Sex will heal your emotional woes instantly.
Sex will settle all your fights.
Sex will make you friends.
Sex will feed you.
Sex will fix your issues with rape, abuse, hatred etc.
Sex will rescue you from evil tyrants.
Sex will pay your pills
Sex will replace your job.
Sex will make everybody love you no matter what.

[easol.livejournal.com]

BILLS, dammit, not PILLS.

[duchym.livejournal.com]

Let's not forget that a slacker/leech/rapist (Micah), a stripper/house maid with no self-esteem and the emotional maturity of a badly abused child (Nathaniel), and an undead supermanipulative incubus (Jean Claude) are all considered better potential fathers than a guy with a real job, experience with children, and medical benefits (Richard).

So perhaps - that rule be - losers make better fathers?

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

Oh-but Nathaniel works at night so he can be home during the day to take care of the baby and mean old nasty Richard isn't willing to quit HIS job. Because, like you know, daycare is so not an option

[saadiira.livejournal.com]

-Men in positions of authority and most especially those in law enforcement are all mysoginistic chauvanist pigs who must be lectured regularly by half-assed outside consultants who show up dressed like eighties strippers and sleep with the monsters.

-Plot is optional.

-Rules were made to be forgotten.

-Editing is not only optional, but apparently undesireable on any serious level.

-Sex scenes need not be interesting to be published once one is a best selling author. No part of the book, in fact, needs to be even remotely interesting.

-Women can't really be friends.

-Strong and dominant means whiny and controlling.

-Dira-