lkh_lashouts | Snark: Danse Macabre Final Chapters

sharkbytes.livejournal.com posting in

Good evening lashers** I took a short break from snarking The Harlequin to finally finish up Danse Macabre. It's been bothering me that the funniest chapters in the book still remained unsnarked, and so now, here are the final chapters (46-55) of Danse Macabre, fully snarked and ready to be flogged to pieces.

Be warned, this is a really long post, because I wanted to get the rest of this book finished in one shot.  However, it is the "climax" and the actual scene of the ballet, which is some of the most unintentionally funny prose I've read in years.   I really can't wait to see what some of you have to say about it =)

For those of you new to these, you can simply click on the tags to find all previously snarked chapters, as well as those for The Harlequin. I'll resume TH in my very next post.   As always, LKH quotes in boldface, myself in regular font.

Chapter 46

When we last left the "action," the unnamed blond dancyvamp was mind-controlling the audience at the ballet. He still is, holding the crowd in a trance as the sky fills with a bunch of vampires. He releases his control so that it seemed to everyone that the vampires had magically appeared above them. There was much shrieking, and Anita asks Jean-Claude if they had done that at every show. He tells her that "he bespelled the humans and some of the wereanimals, but he did not try for the vampires...he left them alone."

Anita wants to know why the DancyVamps decided to be different tonight, and I have to marvel at her stupidity. This whole waste-of-a-book was loosely based on the premise that, eventually, there would be a ballet that the entire preternatural community would be attending. This is page 411, and it's the first action we've seen other than pregnancy tests and lengthy relationship conversations. OF COURSE it's not going to be a typical show, you dimwitted cow.

Anyway, Anita notes that the "vampires danced on the air" and she would have enjoyed it if she hadn't been terrified. Apparently, this troupe was "the reverse of most ballet companies," because there were more male dancers than female. But, of course! It's the Anitaverse; you won't find too many females unless they happen to be strippers, jealous whores, or corpses. Besides, I have a feeling that a ballet performed by hundreds of muscular vampires in tights is exactly what dances through LKH's mind when she writes these Grand Narratives.

Augustine pulls back the drapes of their opera-box, and informs Anita and Jean-Claude that "he didn't do this in Chicago." We already knew that, buddy, but thanks nonetheless. Finally, Anita asks who the "he" in question is, and Auggie informs her that he is referring "troupe leader, dance master" named Merlin. The blond who rolled the audience is Adonis, who used to be one of Belle's vampires. MERLIN! ADONIS! Oh, it just burns. Well, it could have been worse, really. She could have chosen Zeus and Gandalf as her completely stolen and utterly ridiculous character names. Or Thor and Romeo.

Augustine extends his hand, presumably to shake Jean-Claude's, but actually to do some sort of power-sharing exercise. Anita is confused at to what Auggie is actually doing, but notes that Jean-Claude seemed as though he knew, and "you only need one driver on the metaphysical bus." They join hands, and of course power flares in some fantastical way. Anita's lion tries to rise up, but Auggie, being some sort of Mufasa, soothes the lion back into submission. But as he does so, he awakens the ardeur. Jean-Claude calms the ardeur down somehow, the details are a bit sketchy. All we're told is that he "took the power, firm and hard, in his hand, the way he could suddenly take charge during lovemaking," Anita doesn't even contemplate the fact that Jean-Claude does indeed have the power to control the ardeur, thus the ability to free her from her duty as the Sexual Salvation Army. She just smiles at what a take-charge kind of guy he is, proving once again that she is actually hypnotized by a pendulum of penii.

Jean-Claude is building up quite a bit of power, and used it "like a slap, a feint to let the other vampire know to back off." Anita hears "birds flutter" and Auggie informs her that Merlin can call birds. Apparently, Merlin didn't like their little power play, so he sends back some of his own, and both Jean-Claude and Auggie realize that Merlin is attempting to take everyone, "and that's too much power for the humans." They fight back a bit more with some more powerballs, and the sound of "twittering, crying, fluttering; the sound of hundreds of birds" became clearer, and suddenly birds were everywhere.

Feathers are flying, and birds are darting all over the place while Anita holds on to Jean-Claude. Auggie is digging his nails in Anita's shoulder, and the pain helps her to "chase back the beating wings." Gee, looks like somebody rented "The Birds" and decided hardly anyone would notice a completely blatant, and poorly done, Hitchcock ripoff.

Anita recalls the last time a vampire's power "had beat against [her] body like wings." It was with Obsidian Butterfly, who somehow used her power to get inside Anita. Of course, with OB being a vampire that was so feared, the Council saw fit to declare her rogue, she used her hold on Anita to...share her power, rather than kill her on the spot. Because vampires are always so willing to share.

Recalling the experience somehow allows "Obsidian Butterfly's gift" to drop Anita's shields and let Merlin's power in. Anita's body feels like "a fleshy, soft cave" as the birds begin to fly inside of her. She "could feel the brush of feathers, tiny bodies, fluttering, diving," and filling her up. Ew. Even birds aren't safe from the massive sucking vortex that is the Crotch of Doom. I swear, that thing is like a fucking Stargate. I could so picture Asher and Jean-Claude amusing themselves by lining up the symbols on her thighs and taking a trip to Abydos. At any rate, she keeps swallowing every bit of power Merlin is tossing around, and Jean-Claude and Auggie both realize that "Merlin wasn't going to break [her], [they] were going to eat him."

Merlin realizes that Anita's just lapping up the power, and tries to cut if off. Unfortunately for him, Obsidian Butterfly's little present also allows Anita to "coax that power" despite Merlin's efforts to stop it from happening. Merlin stares at Anita, trying to break the contact, but with "two Masters of the City" and Anita, he couldn't get the job done. Anita mentally notes that Merlin "didn't know what the hell [she] was" and "in that moment neither did [she]." All of a sudden, she smells "jasmine and rain" and the Mother of All Darkness whispers through the air, "I know what you are, necromancer." Anita asks her what she is, and the MOAD simply replies, "Mine."

Chapter 47

Anita starts screaming, and shutting down Obsidian Butterfly's fancy power gift. It stops Merlin's birds from flying in, but it also cuts Jean-Claude and Auggie's mental tie with her for the moment. Out of nowhere, Anita is unconscious, and hanging out inside her own head with the MOAD.

Somehow, she winds up inside the MOAD's memories. Anita is in the body of a man, standing in the moonlight. A cave lion and a wolf approach, and Anita is startled that she's seeing a cave lion, since "nothing like it had walked the earth for thousands of years." The wolf is Anita's wolf, and it is preparing for a fight with the cave lion, which doesn't make much sense, since cave lions weren't known to prey on wolves, as far as I'm aware. They liked herbivores, but I'm sure Little Miss Biology Degree knew that. Riiiight. Anyway, logistics aside, just as the wolf braces itself for the fight, Anita hears voices telling her to "let go." She's still unconscious, but begins to feel "light, and pain, a great deal of pain."

It's Micah's voice, and Anita opens her eyes to see him, as well as "Nathaniel, Jason, Graham and Richard." Her left hand "was a lump of agony" that she couldn't open. She starts regaining further consciousness, and realizes that she's still at the opera, there aren't any vampires around, and that the "Mother of All Darkness had tried to take [her] again, and some fool had given [her] a cross to hold." The cross melted inside her hand, amongst a host of "ruptured skin and clear fluid." Dr. Lillian arrives, and tells Anita that she'll give her a painkiller before examining her hand, as long as Anita promises in return that she'll do everything she is told without argument. Anita agrees, and the Doc gets to work.

In the midst of this, Richard is apologizing to Anita, while the drugs work their way through her system. It must be a pretty good painkiller, as it starts to take effect almost immediately. After making sure that Anita is feeling better, Dr. Lillian tells Richard to get back to his date. Richard doesn't want to leave, but Dr. Lillian reminds him that he's "Clark Kent tonight" rather than "Superman" and that it will arouse suspicion if he's gone for too long. He can be Superman, but we'd have to call him PenisMan, who came to Earth from the planet Scrotum...more Emo than a weeping bullet, his only known weakness is the lone black tear that slides down his cheek.

After protesting, Richard leaves, and Anita wonders why he was apologizing so much. She realizes that it was "his cross embedded in [her] hand," the one she had "given him for Christmas once." This poor bastard really can't catch a break to save his life.

Chapter 48

Everyone's still at the theatre while Anita has her melty-hand tended to by Dr. Lillian. Requiem brings over some tablecloths to drape over Anita, which would make sense if this were a gynecological appointment instead of just a burned hand. Micah and Nathaniel have the task of distracting Anita while the Doc gets busy. While Jason holds the arm down, Nathaniel gives her kisses, because although she's under a heavy-duty painkiller, Anita keeps trying to fight the drugs off for some reason. Because she's a Bad-ass, and badasses eschew painkillers.

Eventually, Anita's left with a mummy-wrapped gauze hand while Nathaniel carries her away. Because the ballet is still going on, Micah decides to remain in one of the boxes with Asher to make it appear as though nothing has gone wrong. With an entourage, Anita is loaded into a limo, confused as to why she's feeling so groggy. Dr. Lillian informs her that she gave her a lycanthrope-sized dose of morphine, and that it has proven that "whatever [Anita is] becoming, it's not lycanthrope" because otherwise the morphine would already be out of her system.

Dr. Lillian tells Anita that everyone needs her back inside, and suggests that she call the munin, because Raina could certainly heal this amount of damage. Anita is skeptical, because in this particular situation, Raina would be the one in control. Dr. Lillian points out that Anita is badly hurt, and that Jean-Claude is concerned that the ardeur might rise. Anita argues a bit more to no avail, and Lillian suggests using "someone that Raina never touched" because "she always loved new conquests." The lucky winner is Requiem, who has the lucky advantage of having a face that looks like hammered steak--he'll get some healing done in the process, sort of killing two birds with one penis.

Anita notices how worried Lillian sounds, and the reason is that one of the Masters visiting has the ability to call rats. If that Master were to "take Raphael," he'd own all the wererats in town. Requiem points out that at the other ballet shows, Merlin didn't try to roll the other Masters in attendance. Ok, we GOT IT. They never, ever tried this before. However, here in St. Louis, he was powerful enough to roll the Masters without them even realizing it. The added power boost came from Marmee Noir, who couldn't resist giving Merlin a +10 boost.

Dr. Lillian is confused, and Anita explains to her who the Mother of All Darkness is, and what that added power means. Anita tells Lillian to leave, because she doesn't want her "here when the wicked bitch comes." She does so, and Jason kneels beside Anita. He's naked of course, but for a bracelet. It was a gift from Jean-Claude, and it depicted "wolves running over a gold and platinum landscape." Which sounds exactly tacky enough for Jean-Claude to have chosen it. Anita mumbles "pretty," referring to the bracelet, and Jason jokes that "the bracelet's nice too."

Anita needs help getting out of her cheesy outfit, and Jason is more than happy to oblige. In the midst of all the undressing, Anita hears Jean-Claude's voice in her head, telling her to "feed before [she] comes back to [him]," warning her not to "loose the ardeur on the crowd." Anita realizes that "bad things were happening" and that Jean-Claude needs her fed and ready to fight, but takes a moment to contemplate how "small-town Midwestern" she is, for feeling strange that her "main squeeze was encouraging [her] to have sex with a limo full of men" before seeing him again. Because those of us that aren't 'small-town Midwestern' are so accustomed to limo orgies. We barely have time for jobs, what with all the sex-a-thons we have in limos.

She decides that it isn't all that weird, since not only is the MOAD around stirring things up, but there's also Merlin and Adonis, who are powerful enough to roll all of the Masters and Anita as well. Jason finishes undressing Anita, and calls Requiem over. Someone had the forethought to cover the seats with plastic, because as we all have the misfortune of knowing, Anita's Crotch of Doom hisses and spits like Old Faithful. Nathaniel, ever the domestic kitty, busily stows the clothes underneath the plastic covering.

Requiem's undressed, and his wounds are still fresh because Meng Die used silver blades to slice and dice him. They decide that Noel, the werelion, can wait outside because it's likely that Anita's lion won't rise with all of the fresh damage that Raina will get from Requiem. Nathaniel gives Anita a "you can do it!" pep talk, and Anita asks Requiem to use his powers on her. Before everything starts, Anita mentally feels that this is a terrible idea, but there isn't a better one.

Chapter 49

Before the action gets underway, Anita takes the time to explain how all this crazy psychic stuff works. Well, there isn't so much explanation as there is boasting that she's a "natural psychic" with gifts that she doesn't have "to strive for." So basically, she doesn't know how she does it, all she knows is that "you must understand a thing to truly control it." And since she understands Raina, she's better able to control her. Our esteemed vampire hunter seems much more capable hunting and destroying logic these days, I'm afraid.

Requiem is lying on the seat on his back, and Anita is confused how he got there, since only a moment before, he was above her. Apparently she "body-slammed him down on the seat" without realizing it, and her hand is bleeding again as a result. Anita starts to hear Raina's voice in her consciousness, and Raina is positively giddy that she's been called upon. She's glad that this is "the first fucking" between Requiem and Anita, and Anita tries to ignore her as she kisses Requiem's injured shoulder.

Anita smells wolf, and feels the beast inside her start to move around. She compares Raina's power to "a spoon" and herself to "some kind of soup." I'm not kidding. I think a child of seven could come up with a better analogy than that. She implies that Raina's just stirring the soup until she finds "just the right tidbit." The wolf calms down after Anita starts licking Requiem. Poor thing's probably traumatized.

Requiem is being completely still as Anita maneuvers around, causing her to wonder if "Jean-Claude and Asher play human" for her so that she wouldn't feel "this amazing stillness." It never occurs to her that perhaps Jean-Claude and Asher reserve their most amazing moves for each other. Anyway, i'll spare most of the details and just say that after the deed is done, Anita's hand is healed, but Requiem's wounds are still pretty rough because apparently no one realized that Raina's power only heals lycanthropes, not vampires.

Anita mulls this over a bit, and decides that any time she's healed a vampire, it was when they were dead for daytime. Once they were awake, something about them "kept [her] power from recognizing them as a dead thing, the way it recognized zombies." Anita is now determined to heal Requiem, and she starts touching one of his wounds, "like smoothing clay back into place." She starts smoothing his other wounds, and everything starts healing, while Anita thinks that "it wasn't possible, but [she] was still doing it." Of course she can do it! She can heal any wounds, and then hop right back on her unicorn and fart a rainbow.

Afterwards, Anita's pretty tired and shuts down her marks. Jason tells her that even Jean-Claude is cut off, as he's sensing things through him rather than her. Requiem is overjoyed, and asks Anita how he can repay her for the healing. She tells him that if it ever needs to happen again, he'll have to take blood too, which "helps the energy."

The ardeur still hasn't been fed yet though, and Jason tells Requiem to call Anita's ardeur to the surface. They aren't worried that Requiem will become attached because Anita is "too weak" right now to fully bind him. Anita remarks that it's like a "ventriloquism act," because even though it's Jason doing the talking, all the words are Jean-Claude's. I'd agree, but only because I've got a sneaking suspicion that Jean-Claude enjoys having his hand up Jason's butt.

Requiem asks Anita five more times if she really consents, and she tells him that she will "always think of [him] as a gentleman." She admires his caution, further saying that she'll "still respect [him] in the morning." Requiem smiles and says that she'll always be "m'lady," and it seems as though feeding part deux is about to begin.

Chapter 50

Surprise, surprise, Anita is already "tight and wet" from Requiem's super sex magics. Requiem begins the fucking process, and it seems Nathaniel hooked him up with a condom before he began "glid[ing] in and out." Good for him...sure hope he double-bagged it. Anita tells him: "when I go, you go," and Requiem wishes that he could "soak [Anita's] body in all the pleasure it could take." How poetic, but it really might be best for all concerned if he soaked it in undiluted bleach. Jason reminds him that they don't have enough time for Requiem to take his time, and Requiem agrees and continues to thrust. He finishes up, and naturally Anita is screaming, bucking, and howling by the time he finishes off.

Just as Requiem pulls out, Jason mentions that they need to feed her faster, and that they should "double up." Nathaniel, no stranger to running a train, suggests that Anita "go down on [him] while the ardeur" rides her. Anita asks what Jason will be doing, and Nathaniel matter-of-factly tells her that Jason will have the job of fucking her.

Jason is all smirky and asks Anita if she wants him "to be all gentlemanly about it," and Anita just says, "I want you to fuck me." They all exchange looks, and Jason agrees, saying, "let's fuck." Such eloquence. She ought to jot down these pithy bon mots for Hallmark.

Chapter 51

After that touching conversation, Jason and Nathaniel decide to trade places because somehow Jason's never had oral sex from Anita. Nathaniel insists that Anita is "better than Raina" and Jason requests that he be allowed to "change [his] order." Lulz..like he's sitting at the drive-thru saying, "Fuck! I totally should have gotten that strawberry shake!"

The three of them contort their bodies in such a way that Anita is able to "make love to [Jason] with her mouth" while Nathaniel pounds away at the doomcrotch. Anita starts to "suck, lick, and writhe [her] mouth" and by mutual agreement, Nathaniel and Jason agree that it's time to finish up. I'm not sure how they reached the conclusion, and I keep wondering if there was some sort of high-five, or hand signal. Everyone screams, fluids are rapidly exchanged, and there's all kinds of spillage.

They congratulate each other on a job well done, and Nathaniel tells Anita that he loves her. Anita reciprocates, and Nathaniel tells Jason that he loves him too, and that he's "the best friend [he's] ever had." Jason laughs and says that he "thought the most interesting thing [he'd] ever do with a best friend was watch football." They agree that fucking is far more fun than football, and Anita orders "whoever can move" to "stand up first and get dressed."

Everyone laughs, and no one moves yet. Anita asks Jason where he got the hickey on his neck, and he informs her that one of the Cape Cod mermaids, Perdita, gave it to him. Wasn't that the dog from 101 Dalmations? I'm pretty sure it was; LKH really needs to stop borrowing stuff from Disney movies. Jean-Claude had sent Jason "to find out what the transformation of a mermaid, and maybe male siren, could entail." Jason claims that Jean-Claude let him "decide how to get that information" and apparently he decided fucking her was the best option.

Jason whips out the all-purpose "moist towelettes" so everyone can clean themselves off, and promises to give Anita "a full report after [they've] survived the ballet." Grossness... my hygiene, let me show you it. Finally, they get dressed and leave the limo to head back into the theatre. Claudia and Truth are waiting to escort them back inside, and they look a little worried while they do so. Nathaniel, Jason, and Anita wonder what they've missed during their Limo Fuck-A-thon, and they hold hands and walk inside. Anita notes that normally she didn't lile to "hold on to too many men at once in public," but in this case, her "reputation couldn't get any more trashed than it already was." I wish I could agree, but Anita is living proof that everytime you think you've reached the bottom of the barrel, she creates a fresh sub-atomic layer that's far lower than we imagined.

Chapter 52

Now that everyone's back inside the theatre, Anita takes a moment to observe the ballet. The "air sparkled with glitter," and Adonis had changed his costume to a "ballet version of a 1700s dress." Apparently, the top was styled like the dress, with tights on the bottom. He floats in the glittery air with the other vampires, as Jean-Claude and Damian join hands with Anita and Nathaniel. The touch seemed to give them "a feeling of deep contentment."

Damian points out that it takes an unbelievable amount of strength for the vampires in the ballet to perform the way that they are. Jean-Claude agrees that it is indeed impressive, and Anita notices that Jason and Nathaniel are on the edge of their seats, wearing "almost identical entranced looks." Suddenly, she feels regret that she had "taken away from the performance the two people in [her] group who would have appreciated the dancing the most." Because even though they were strippers, "Jean-Claude had insisted that all his dancers have some training." You don't really find too many strippers these days who slide their balls up the pole to Swan Lake, but I guess JC is just a ~*trendsetter*~.

Asher's watching the show as well, from the other box, and is equally "as enraptured by the show as the boys." However, he "just had several hundred years of cool, and wouldn't let it show that much." Asher's life really sucks, and I feel so bad for him. He's in Gay Heaven right now, with sexy male vampires wearing dresses and tights and dancing in GLITTER, for fuck's sake, and he doesn't even get to sit with Jean-Claude to enjoy it. I realize it's sort of a stereotype, but come on, this whole scene is gayer than a box of butterflies, and poor Asher has to sit there with Micah, of all people.

The ballet continues, and the storyline of the ballet is as follows: one of the female ballerampires is on stage. To the audience, she appears to be a human girl, but Anita and Co. realize that she's just a very young vampire wearing good flesh-toned makeup. More ballerampires float to the stage and do some leaps and surround the girl, who looks terrified. They chase her around the stage, tossing and sliding her around in a dance.

The vampires all take turns "biting" her, she's covered in blood, and then everyone dances around her fake corpse. The rest of the storyline is some sort of battle, apparently Merlin was the girl's love interest, and he and Adonis fight in the air over her death. Merlin gets weepy and cries, and Anita's sitting in the audience trying not to cry as well. A mob of some sort comes in and kills Merlin's character, who flops dead on top of the girl.

I hope Anne Rice is secretly making plans to sue LKH for the blatant rip off of the Theatre des Vampires. Seriously, anyone who has read Interview or Lestat knows good and well that not only did she steal the idea, but she also stole the entire plot of the ballet. She changed the name "Armand" to "Merlin," and added some flying. What's next, Nathaniel and Micah deciding to be private detectives in L.A., at the law firm of Leopard-fram and Hair? Someone should give Joss a heads-up.

The show ends, and the audience "went wild, clapping, making noises of all kinds." Merlin and the girl get a standing ovation and lots of flowers. Anita is relieved that the ballet is over, but apprehensive because they "had to survive the cast party afterward."

Chapter 53

The afterparty is being held, naturally, at Danse Macabre. Anita is sitting in Jean-Claude's office, which was black and white, with "framed kimonos and fans on the walls as the only color." Oh hell, help me now. That Jean-Claude, he's just so edgy. She's sitting in front of an open drawer that contains an extra gun, while Asher is seated next to her. Apparently, Anita wanted to be holding the gun, but Asher convinced her that it would "make the discussion get off on a hostile foot." Several of the bodyguards are in the room, as well as Damian, Merlin, Adonis, and the girl from the ballet (whose name turns out to be Elisabetta.)

Jean-Claude and Elinore are off doing the media and public-relations stuff for the show, and Anita begins to question Merlin. He defends the performance, saying he rolled everyone because he wanted "the show to be magical for the entire audience, not just the humans."

Anita doesn't buy his excuse, and insists that "using power that way on a Master of the City is a direct challenge to his or her authority." Adonis responds by saying that it isn't, provided "you don't get caught at it." Asher hears this, and asks whether or not the troupe has done this in every city. Merlin is annoyed at having to talk with Asher, and asks what authority he has to be sitting in on the conversation.

Asher explains that he is Jean-Claude's ~~boyfriend~~ témoin, and the Merlin wants to know just how he got the job, considering that there are other more powerful vampires who should have it. Anita decides to take that question, and flashes her gun as she does so. She tells Merlin that Asher was the one who prevented her from holding them at gunpoint in the first place, and that she trusts him.

Merlin insists that they are "allowed mass hypnosis for theatrical purposes," and though she is loath to admit it, Anita knows he is right. Still, despite the fact that she's wrong, she reiterates that Merlin knows "exactly what [he] did." Merlin claims that he doesn't, and when he calls her "Miss Blake," Anita snipes at him that he's to address her either as "Ms. Blake, or Marshal Blake." LOL @ "Marshal Blake". Quick but nerdy tidbit: The word "marshal" comes from the germanic word that means "stable keeper." I only mention this because, while I know it refers to her laughable status as a Federal Marshal, I find it amusing that she has the title, and ostensibly keeps an entire stable of men saddled up and ready to be ridden at any time.

There's a whole bunch of back and forth of the exact same argument, until Merlin finally admits his reasons for lying about his little power play. He doesn't believe that Anita has seen the Mother of All Darkness, and is convinced that it is Belle Morte who has woken the MOAD's "sleeping cats." He's convinced that Belle has so much power that "the servants of the mother have woken to her call."

Anita debates whether or not to tell Merlin that it isn't Belle, but the MOAD herself who has been calling her cats in anticipation of waking. She asks Merlin if he's a "flunky of the vampire council" and is surprised to learn that Merlin has been forbidden to even approach the Council. His power grew to the point that the Council forced him to give up his own territory. Merlin was attempting to gather information for his own benefit, and he fixes his gaze on Asher while Anita attempts to figure all of this out.

Asher avoids Merlin's gaze, and Merlin snidely says that Asher was "the weakest of Belle Morte's master vampires." Asher says that he's never met Merlin, but Merlin cryptically tells him that he's "been closer to [him]" than he knows. Anita quickly changes the subject, because the mere mention of probable-buttsex sends her brain into panic mode, and Merlin admits that he's "sought long and hard for another master" that was "powerful enough to make [him] feel that he was worthy to follow." Anita says that he's "Merlin, not Lancelot" and is stunned when Merlin claims to be the actual Merlin, "as in King Arthur and the Round Table." *snorts* I wonder if he knows the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow....

She thinks he's full of crap in the same way Obsidian Butterfly was convinced she was a goddess, but decides not to press the issue. She raises her gun and forces Merlin to give his word of honor that he won't use his mind-tricks while he's in St. Louis, and he agrees. Asher seems amused at her demands, but follows along.

Finally, guns are lowered, and Merlin tells Anita that the fact that she's a "necromancer, as of old" would interest the MOAD greatly, since it was she who ordered all necromancers to be killed back in the day. Merlin has a couple of questions about the MOAD for Anita, and she tells him about the times that Mommie Dearest has sent visions and dreams that were actually real, and how when she rises "like living night," it appears as a "huge black ocean."

The description is apt enough that Merlin believes Anita, and that the MOAD is really waking up. Merlin and Anita conclude that she hasn't been "asleep and not feeding," but instead "feeding on energy and power." Merlin knows why she went to sleep in the first place, but refuses to tell Anita.

Damian gives Anita a nudge, and she realizes that she's been draining his energy for a while now, because despite feeding, she was so wiped out from "dealing with Mommie Dearest." Merlin tells Anita that there "are ways to keep the good mother from feeding upon [her] energy." He recommends a "holy item hidden inside at least two layers of pillows," although if the item touches "vampire flesh" it will melt it the same way Anita's hand melted when holding the cross. So, instead of being the end-all, be-all of baddies, Merlin's decided to play Heloise and offer his tips and tricks for household dream banishing. How quaint.

At long last, Anita tells the group that they need to leave because she's in need of a feeding, and orders Nathaniel to take Damian to "the workers' lounge or somewhere." *cue crickets* That's the whole showdown...no guns, no fights, no supernatural powers. These vampires literally just came to town and danced their pants off. There isn't so much as a stray corpse, let alone the bloodbath LKH led everyone to believe was coming. This entire book has been like one long episode of Passions, but without the adorable Timmy and Tabby. *cough* Not that I've watched it, or anything.

Nathaniel offers to feed her, and she reminds him that it's too soon for him to feed her again. While she orders everyone from the room, Asher asks who she'll feed from, and Anita tells him, "if it's okay with you, you." Asher seems miffed that she hadn't even bothered checking with him, and informs her that "a man likes to be asked." He tells her that she, and Jean-Claude, take him for granted, and Anita doesn't have a response, because it's completely true.

Asher and Anita are alone, and they both realize that this will be the "first time [they've] had sex alone together." Anita apologizes for neglecting him, and Asher tells her that he feels like he's "starving to death in the midst of a feast," because there is always "someone more beautiful, more desirable."

Anita tells him that there isn't anyone more beautiful than he is, and he seems annoyed by her response. He says that he wants "to be the center of someone's life again." He says that "if it were the right man, [he] could be in love, and content," and he feels similarly towards women. He just wants love, "and not the package around it." He explains that he chose Julianna because he knew that Jean-Claude couldn't be happy with just a man.

A bit more conversation, and Anita promises Asher that he isn't just someone she shares with Jean-Claude, and that he has never been just food to her. She tells him that she loves him, and they decide that it's time to feed. Asher says that he "would like to feed while" Anita does, and she says that it's okay. He tells Anita to look into his eyes, and to keep her corset on. Good thinking, Ash. You've had enough trauma for one evening.

She's busy staring at his chest, and he tells her to take off nothing but her panties. Anita begs him to "bite [her]" while fucking her, so that she can "come both ways while [he's] inside." Asher grabs her hair and yanks on it "until it hurt" and tells her to "say please." She does, and he warns her that he'll have to take blood, and she quietly says "please" again. After a scene like this, how could she object to letting Nathaniel play with Asher? They'd have a gay old time, and frankly, would be an adorable couple.

Chapter 54

Asher lines Anita up on the couch so that she isn't facing him, and I really don't blame him. At least from the back, he can pretend it's someone else. Before they can do anything, Damian starts sending up SOS signs, so Asher yanks Anita's hair to pull her neck up. He bites her, and since he has that orgasmic bite, it feeds the ardeur and fixes Damian up so that he can go back to being forgotten in Anita's basement.

After that, Asher asks Anita if she still wants him to "pierce [her] twice," and she says that they don't really have the time, so she asks him to "just fuck [her]." He's fine with it, and of course Anita is "wet, but tight." While he's working his way into the Cave of Size, looking out for Temple Guards, Anita changes her mind and asks him to bite her while they're fucking.

Asher notices that Anita can "feel [his] power," and she tells him that she can. He asks her if she's afraid of it, and "afraid of how much [she] wants [him]." She says that she is, and he whispers, "I like that." They continue with the business at hand, and in the midst of another wettightscreamingshudder, Anita begs him again to bite her. He does, and she starts screaming and flailing around. He continues to feed at her neck, and Anita realizes that this is "one of the things that made him so dangerous," because his bite feels so good that you forget how much blood you're losing.

Finally, someone comes into the room and yanks Asher off of Anita's neck, which causes him to snarl. Anita flops back on to the couch "like a broken doll" and Asher's bite mark is still oozing blood onto her dress. Remus was the guard who pulled Asher away, and he asks Anita if she can hear him. She tries to answer, but passes out instead. *cries* If only Remus hadn't interefered, Anita would be dead, hoisted on her own petard, and the entire Anitaverse would be much better off.

Chapter 55

Anita wakes up in the "lycanthrope hospital," once again in the care of Dr. Lillian. She had to have a couple of transfusions of lycanthrope blood, and Dr. Lillian opted not to tell her "what strain of lycanthropy she decided to add to [Anita's] mix." Asher's in the room, and he asks Anita if she's afraid of him.

Anita is afraid of him, but not for the reason he assumes. She doesn't want to touch him because all she can think about is how beautiful he is. She asks why there are guards in the room, and Asher says that neither he nor Jean-Claude thinks it's a good idea for him to be alone with Anita. Remus came to the rescue because during the whole fiasco, Asher gained his new powers and has an animal to call--werehyenas.

They mutally agree that they can't have sex alone anymore, and that they'll need a "spotter" because of how dangerous it is. Asher is gloomy, and feels terrible about the whole ordeal. But surprisingly, Anita isn't angry or demanding of apologies. He insists he wouldn't have put her at risk for power, and she believes him. In fact, he's convinced that he was able to gain power because Anita had wanted him "more than anyone else."

Asher understands that Anita loves him, and Anita reminds him that Jean-Claude loves him too. He agrees, and says that although he once doubted that fact, he knows how much Jean-Claude loves him, because otherwise he "would have killed [him] when he walked into that room."

Finally, Anita wraps things up by saying that she doesn't dream of the MOAD any longer, thanks to Merlin's tip about the holy items hidden in pillows. She sent Haven and Auggie back to Chicago, and London is now the "front-runner" for pomme de sang. She mulls over the almost-pregnancy, stating that she still doesn't get her period, but chalks it up to being a "metaphysical miracle on two legs." Either that, or walking syphilis.

She concludes by saying that she's trying not to dwell on the fact that it was "vampire powers" that brought her Nathaniel and Micah, and that Richard is still out searching for his "white picket fence." Anita decides that since the white fence isn't in the cards for her, she'll remain content behind her black fence.

It's official...she really is the fourth horseperson of the apocalypse. Astride her horse, she brings pestilence and famine, while the rest of us are left scratching our heads and wondering how only two things happened in a 500 page book.

Finis

I just wanted to quickly thank all of you for making this book so much fun to snark. The discussions we've all had in the comments have been hilarious, intelligent, and thought-provoking. I appreciate everyone who took the time out to not only read, but laugh right along with me. *blows kisses, distributes cupcakes and brain bleach*

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: joy division

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

pandaemonaeum.livejournal.com

I wonder if he knows the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow....

T.H. White FTW! :D

I'm glad I'm not the only one who felt ripped off that nothing happened. You get a 500 page book, you read 400 pages waiting for the denouement, and then some talking. Nothing. No gun battle, no vampire swordfights, not even a dance-off! Even a dance-off would have been better than this :/

From:

alex-lebeau.livejournal.com

Coming soon: Anita Blake in Lord (Don't Call Her "Miss") Of The Dance. It'll be Irish and frothy and so very not gay as they kick up their heels for the dance-off of the century!

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