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Sep. 14th, 2005 07:40 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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lkh_lashoutsAs I said a few posts ago, I was considering writing a parody of the Anita Blake books. I have stared off with "Guilty Pleasures". I offer up chapter one for your snarking pleasure. Beware, there is quite a bit of bad language in it (hopefully not the grammer though). Be gentle, please. Its my first time at parody.
Billy Mcloughin was dead. Unfortunately, the lack of a pulse hadn’t stopped him from getting back out of the grave and planting his skinny arse in my office. I wouldn’t have minded so much, but his choice in clothing was making my eyes bleed. I wondered if the crimson red suit was anything to do with his newly found species… (I must admit though, I’m still confused as to what the lime green shirt, electric blue tie, and royal purple sneakers mean).
“Ah, Billy, me old China… what can I do you for?”
“Thirty dollars?” I hope that wasn’t a hint of hope I heard in his voice.
“Ha ha. You jest.”
“I do,” he agreed sadly.
“What do you want.”
“You.”
“This I know. Everyone wants me. I really am that amazing.”
“I have money.”
“That makes you sound desperate.”
“I don’t want sex.”
“Oh…” Shit… perhaps death killed off his libido… Billy had always been hot for me, even during college so few years ago… Yes. That had to be the reason.
“So… what do you want?”
“You’ve heard of the vampire deaths, down on the embankment?”
“But of course.”
“I want you to investigate them. Kurt has already accepted the money.”
That bastard! He knew I never did business with vampires! I was going to kill him when I got my hands on him… he acted as if he were my pimp, not my employer! It was insulting!
“Eh, what?” I muttered.
“Do you want a fag?”
“Hell yes! Come to Momma!”
I sat behind my desk and stared at the man before me. He was only a couple of years my senior. It was odd to think that when I was thirty, and looking like I was fifty, he’d still look the same. Vampirism did that to a person. It was almost as good as plastic surgery… no where near as expensive, but it gave you one hell of an allergy to sunlight… I'd be all for it, if I didn't have this tiny little issue concerning vampires...
“This job then…”
“Yes?”
“Who sent you to me?”
“Who says anyone sent me?”
“Because vampire or not, you are one hell of a selfish bastard and wouldn’t give a damn about vampire offings unless you were the next target, and as the newly dead, you are nowhere near as powerful as some of the vampires that have been offed, and so you are nowhere near being a target. Any questions?”
“Did you breathe at all during that sentence?”
“No.” I sucked hard on the cigarette, considering the phallic nature of it. Then again, it was tobacco… what did I care?”
I could see Billy staring at my mouth as I sucked on the little white stick.
“You’re twitching, Billy.”
He fingered the tick and smiled.
“I guess not everything changes.”
“I still don’t understand why you don’t just go to the police with this. They’re better equipped to deal with it all.”
“No police. We want someone who knows what they’re doing.”
“We? So someone did send you. Oopsie, Billy. You just let the cat out of the bag.”
He shrugged. His backer must have been something. As a human, he had always been jumpy, and terrified of letting escape any little facts I might have found useful.
“Look, I’ve seen the bodies, I told the police what I thought, They are honestly your best bet.”
There was a flicker in his eyes. Fear perhaps?
“You were recommended to us, Anna… Friend of a friend and all that. You refuse and you’re going to piss off some very important, very powerful-“ I noticed he stressed that last word, “- vampires.”
“I built a life out of pissing people off, Billy. I’m not scared of a couple of fang-faeces.”
“Faces.” He had always corrected me. It was one of the things that annoyed me about him most of all.
“If you like,” I replied.
“We’re willing to pay five times your regular fee.” Was that desperation in his voice?
“No dice, Billy. I’m not doing it, no matter how much you offer to pay me. And Kurt can’t force me to either.”
Ha, pre-emptive strike one for me!
Billy lunged for me. The stupid son of a bitch actually lunged for me.
Strike two for me. He didn’t think I could move that fast!
“You watched me move!” he gasped.
“Yes.” Nice. Simple. Gives nothing away. Take that you bastard.
“You can’t!”
“Oh yes, yes I can.”
“It’s impossible… you’d have to be-“
“I think we’re done here, Billy. I have places to go, stiffs to raise etcetera. The receptionist will see you to the door.”
I watched him for a few moments.
“That means you have to move, Billy.”
“You aren’t human.”
“That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said, now piss of out of my office!”
“I wish you’d reconsider… my master doesn’t take kindly to refusals.”
“You master will just have to get over it.”
I was pulling my shoulder rig on now, slipping bullets into the spaces and my gun into its holster.
I love my guns.
It transpired that I actually had to escort Billy out of the building. He seemed rooted to the spot, though I couldn’t for the life of me work out why. He only really moved at all when I faced him directly, cross dangling from my throat.
The dirty bloodsuckers can’t stand it when I do that. I still seem to be able to inject a little faith into the otherwise meaningless metal.
No body stopped us on the way out, and Billy made off as soon as we were out of the building. In the end, it was just me, alone in the car park, in the middle of the night. Just a lonesome female.
I got into my car and made my way to the cemetery. I was already fifteen minutes late.
Billy Mcloughin was dead. Unfortunately, the lack of a pulse hadn’t stopped him from getting back out of the grave and planting his skinny arse in my office. I wouldn’t have minded so much, but his choice in clothing was making my eyes bleed. I wondered if the crimson red suit was anything to do with his newly found species… (I must admit though, I’m still confused as to what the lime green shirt, electric blue tie, and royal purple sneakers mean).
“Ah, Billy, me old China… what can I do you for?”
“Thirty dollars?” I hope that wasn’t a hint of hope I heard in his voice.
“Ha ha. You jest.”
“I do,” he agreed sadly.
“What do you want.”
“You.”
“This I know. Everyone wants me. I really am that amazing.”
“I have money.”
“That makes you sound desperate.”
“I don’t want sex.”
“Oh…” Shit… perhaps death killed off his libido… Billy had always been hot for me, even during college so few years ago… Yes. That had to be the reason.
“So… what do you want?”
“You’ve heard of the vampire deaths, down on the embankment?”
“But of course.”
“I want you to investigate them. Kurt has already accepted the money.”
That bastard! He knew I never did business with vampires! I was going to kill him when I got my hands on him… he acted as if he were my pimp, not my employer! It was insulting!
“Eh, what?” I muttered.
“Do you want a fag?”
“Hell yes! Come to Momma!”
I sat behind my desk and stared at the man before me. He was only a couple of years my senior. It was odd to think that when I was thirty, and looking like I was fifty, he’d still look the same. Vampirism did that to a person. It was almost as good as plastic surgery… no where near as expensive, but it gave you one hell of an allergy to sunlight… I'd be all for it, if I didn't have this tiny little issue concerning vampires...
“This job then…”
“Yes?”
“Who sent you to me?”
“Who says anyone sent me?”
“Because vampire or not, you are one hell of a selfish bastard and wouldn’t give a damn about vampire offings unless you were the next target, and as the newly dead, you are nowhere near as powerful as some of the vampires that have been offed, and so you are nowhere near being a target. Any questions?”
“Did you breathe at all during that sentence?”
“No.” I sucked hard on the cigarette, considering the phallic nature of it. Then again, it was tobacco… what did I care?”
I could see Billy staring at my mouth as I sucked on the little white stick.
“You’re twitching, Billy.”
He fingered the tick and smiled.
“I guess not everything changes.”
“I still don’t understand why you don’t just go to the police with this. They’re better equipped to deal with it all.”
“No police. We want someone who knows what they’re doing.”
“We? So someone did send you. Oopsie, Billy. You just let the cat out of the bag.”
He shrugged. His backer must have been something. As a human, he had always been jumpy, and terrified of letting escape any little facts I might have found useful.
“Look, I’ve seen the bodies, I told the police what I thought, They are honestly your best bet.”
There was a flicker in his eyes. Fear perhaps?
“You were recommended to us, Anna… Friend of a friend and all that. You refuse and you’re going to piss off some very important, very powerful-“ I noticed he stressed that last word, “- vampires.”
“I built a life out of pissing people off, Billy. I’m not scared of a couple of fang-faeces.”
“Faces.” He had always corrected me. It was one of the things that annoyed me about him most of all.
“If you like,” I replied.
“We’re willing to pay five times your regular fee.” Was that desperation in his voice?
“No dice, Billy. I’m not doing it, no matter how much you offer to pay me. And Kurt can’t force me to either.”
Ha, pre-emptive strike one for me!
Billy lunged for me. The stupid son of a bitch actually lunged for me.
Strike two for me. He didn’t think I could move that fast!
“You watched me move!” he gasped.
“Yes.” Nice. Simple. Gives nothing away. Take that you bastard.
“You can’t!”
“Oh yes, yes I can.”
“It’s impossible… you’d have to be-“
“I think we’re done here, Billy. I have places to go, stiffs to raise etcetera. The receptionist will see you to the door.”
I watched him for a few moments.
“That means you have to move, Billy.”
“You aren’t human.”
“That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said, now piss of out of my office!”
“I wish you’d reconsider… my master doesn’t take kindly to refusals.”
“You master will just have to get over it.”
I was pulling my shoulder rig on now, slipping bullets into the spaces and my gun into its holster.
I love my guns.
It transpired that I actually had to escort Billy out of the building. He seemed rooted to the spot, though I couldn’t for the life of me work out why. He only really moved at all when I faced him directly, cross dangling from my throat.
The dirty bloodsuckers can’t stand it when I do that. I still seem to be able to inject a little faith into the otherwise meaningless metal.
No body stopped us on the way out, and Billy made off as soon as we were out of the building. In the end, it was just me, alone in the car park, in the middle of the night. Just a lonesome female.
I got into my car and made my way to the cemetery. I was already fifteen minutes late.
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Date: 2005-09-15 01:46 am (UTC)It's a pretty good summary of the opening scene from Guilty Pleasures, complete with the tweaking to Modern Anita!Sue-ism. And it's easier to read than GP, because it didn't pause for the Obligatory Infodump on page 3. Yes, most amused.
:D
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Date: 2005-09-15 03:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-15 03:35 am (UTC)ROFLOL!!!
Omfg. I SO hates it when LKH does crap like that. Stating and putting obvious, idiotic stuff in there that anyone would've known without it being published!!
*claps* Mooreeee
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Date: 2005-09-15 06:36 pm (UTC)-Dira-