lkh_lashouts | Return of the Harlequin Snark!

sharkbytes.livejournal.com posting in

Hey Lashers! I'm sorry this took me FOREVER to post, but I have here chapters 21-24 of The Harlequin, snarked up and ready to be ridiculed. Again, I apologize for the delay, and if everyone still enjoys these, i'll post them once a week from here on out.

For those of you new to these, you can find the previous installments by clicking on the tags. Or if you're behind, Danse Macabre has been fully snarked too, and that is posted in the comm. as well. As always, direct LKH quotes are in boldface, my bratty commentary is in regular font. So grab something sharp, and dig right in along with me~

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE:

When last we left, Anita and Richard had a dose of the vampire-eyes, thanks to Jean-Claude interrupting their argument. Richard is terrified, staring at his reflection and realizing that "this is what [his] eyes would look like" if he were the vampire, rather than Jean-Claude. Very astute observation, that is.

Anita isn't really sure what approach to take with Richard, and she tells him that "the glow will fade." She leans against the wall, and checks on the bra that was hanging back there. Apparently, the super tight baby-doll shirt that she mentioned last chapter wasn't cutting it as a bra substitute. But the bra "was still too wet to wear." So, she gets the demon-glowy eyes and her first instinct is to...check her laundry? How badass.

Richard's still having a little meltdown, like you do, and panics more when he realizes that Anita isn't "afraid of this." Anita explains that she's "treating this the way [she] treats an emergency in the middle of a police investigation," meaning that she isn't distracting herself with "the horrible details" so that she'll be able to function. Right, because most tough-as-nails cops take a break from the drama to touch-test their bras. I've definitely seen that on Dragnet.

This doesn't sit well with Richard, and he starts yelling that this isn't her job, and neither is it his. Exactly, he's just a Steeltown girl on a Saturday night, with no business whatsoever in the preternatural community. *eyeroll* You're the Master of the City's animal to call, as well as the Ulfric, genius. This definitely falls under the category of your job. His anger causes his beast to stir up a little bit, and Anita feels her own wolf pacing back and forth in the "metaphysical corridor inside [her]." If it's anything like the Crotch of Doom, that corridor is a long, soggy hallway. She tells Richard to "control [himself]," since he's the Ulfric and all, and Richard glares at Anita with his glowy-eyes and lets out a "low, threatening growl." He tells Anita that he could force her to change if he wanted to, since he can smell her wolf and one of his powers is that he can "force [his] wolves to shift."

At that, Anita finally begins to panic, because until now she hasn't shifted despite being inseminated with 37 strains of werelovejuice. Anita breathes out the word, "please." Richard asks her if she means, "please stop, or please don't stop," and she doesn't answer. Her wolf is trying to claw it's way out of her, to "answer the call of its Ulfric," and so Richard grabs her tightly.

Anita is in an "incredible" amount of pain, feeling as though she's "being ripped apart from the navel outward, like some horrible parody of giving birth." Richard is still holding her, trying to force her shift. She starts to scream and yell for help, and there are voices "on the other side of the door." Anita begins to breathe in the scent of Richard, and he picks her up, calling "to the wolf inside [her]." Naturally, Anita's wolf starts trying to bust out, and so Richard throws some more power "down [her] throat."

Finally, whoever was on the other side of the door manages to break it down, and someone yanks Richard away from Anita. He wouldn't budge at first, so that same someone punches him in the face. Richard's face is bleeding, and so are Anita's fingernails. She's wailing in pain, and "would have done anything, agreed to anything, if the pain would only stop." That's really not much of a claim, as she has fewer inhibitions than Britney Spears on a two-week bender.

Jean-Claude steps in and sends some power over, and it feels like a "cool soothing wind." That's the best he could do? Wind?! That was always the lamest power of Captain Planet's Planeteers, in my opinion. That, and Heart. It also wasn't effective, either. Claudia is begging Richard, screaming at him: "Ulfric, don't do this!" Jean-Claude tells Richard that his marks are what keep Anita human, and that the most he's going to accomplish is "destroy her." Show of hands, who would complain? Anyone? Bueller?

Richard bellows out, "She's mine!" and I laughed my head right the hell off. The Duke in Moulin Rouge did it a lot better, in my opinion. He even had the grace to don a pencil-thin moustache to connote his evil intentions. He's shifted to half-wolf form, and suddenly Clay appears, telling Anita to give her wolf to him. Richard claws at him, and gives an order that no one in the pack is allowed to stop what he is doing. Anita's howling "nooooo" in the background, and I really can't even make this up. Jean-Claude reminds him that "all that is [Richard's] is [his]," and thus by "vampire law" they are Jean-Claude's wolves and not Richard's.

Naturally, this doesn't sit too well with Richard, and he leaps across the room to "hit Jean-Claude" and the two of them "roll out of sight into the bedroom beyond." Ooh, I'll just bet they did! Such a clever ruse.

Clay decides it's a good idea to "disobey a direct order from his Ulfric" and tells Anita once again to give him her wolf. There's so much wrong with this, it's absurd. Way to throw out everything you've told your readers about pack hierarchy, LKH. She kisses him, and after a rather messy exchange, Clay takes her wolf. There's gunshots in the other room, and Anita falls down. She asks Rafael to help her, and he picks her up and carries her away. She notices that there are tears streaming down his face, and wonders what could have happened to make Rafael cry. Maybe he stumbled upon an issue of the AB comic and saw that Brett Booth decided he had enormous, canned-ham thighs. That would bring me to tears, for sure.

They enter the room that Jean-Claude and Richard had tumbled a few moments ago, and see Jean-Claude on the floor with a bloody mouth and a torn shirt. He's surrounded by the guards, who have their weapons drawn and pointed at Richard, who is crouched on the floor in his wolf-form. He's been wounded pretty badly, but remains poised to attack.

Jean-Claude whispers through Anita's head that he's sorry, and Anita assumes that he's apologizing in advance for having to "shoot Richard," but instead, he tosses a bunch of power at Anita. This fresh rush of power "simply was there and did what it wanted." And of course what it wanted was to turn "that blood lust into another kind of lust." Richard's form shifts back to human, saving the guards the trouble of shooting him, and suddenly the ardeur is upon Anita, thanks to Jean-Claude's handy parlor trick.

Though Anita is still in pretty rough shape, the ardeur "washed over the man [she] was touching and carried him away" with her. And, dear lashers, it pains me to report that the man she was touching was Rafael, who had carried her into the room.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Rafael carried Anita into the hallway, which mush have been tricky since her mouth was "feeding at his." Apparently, Rafael smells like "wood smoke, and salt, like some food that had been smoked and salted, until the meat was flavored and tender and so ready to eat." How appetizing. Every girl loves a dude who smells like cured pork products. But I didn't expect all that much from the poor guy who had ham-thighs.

Rafael whispers that Anita's eyes look "like blue fire." Anita is confused, because her eyes are brown, and thus begins to hesitate. But "Jean-Claude's power washed the hesitation away," and as Anita opens her mouth to speak, Jean-Claude does the talking and says, "a fire that burns just for you, Rafael." Um, ew. I just decided who Jean-Claude reminds me of...anyone around my age and remember Sweet Valley High? He's totally Bruce Patman, rich and egotistical with an exaggerated view of his own seduction skills, manipulating others to his whims. To further the analogy, Richard is sort of a Todd Wilkins. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, I apologize.

This next bit is pretty painful to read, actually. I joke around in these recaps all the time, but this particular scene just really rubbed me the wrong way. Anita had been perfectly clear earlier when she said that she had no desire whatsoever to have sex with Rafael. And I'm sure most of you, like me, really didn't want to see that happen, because Rafael is a reminder of the old days. It isn't like she's fucking some nameless, faceless new addition to the brood. Rafael's been around since day one, and I've always had a soft spot for the guy. Not to mention how creepy it is that Jean-Claude is controlling this entire scenario.

At any rate, there's some biting, clothes-tearing, moaning and groaning, and before you know it, Rafael's in the Crotch of Doom while Anita's propped up against a stone wall. Of course, Anita's "so tight, so wet" that he isn't going to last very long, and Anita starts yelping and yipping like a terrier, and screaming: "fuck me, Rafael, feed me, fuck me, Rafael, feed me!" That's a direct quote, gang. 10 words, five commas.

The ardeur isn't satisfied, because Rafael is a King, and therefore it "could not get past his shields." Anita can read Jean-Claude's thoughts of panic, and his insistence that they "break Rafael." Anita claims that she might have argued, but the ardeur was "all [she] could feel." A few more thrusts and grunts, and finally Rafael loses the shields that protected him. While these two are having multiple orgasms, Jean-Claude "reached through Rafael's body...to the wererats." Evidently, Jean-Claude set all of this up on purpose "because [Rafael] was king" and therefore he could feed on all of the wererats if they broke him down.

Rafael realizes what is happening, and tries to protect his rats, but it's too late--the wererats are staggering and stumbling around, trying "to run, or fight" while Jean-Claude and Anita feed everyone with their power. The rats had "given their protection over to their king," and Anita realizes that once Rafael fell, they were: "[theirs] for the taking, [theirs] for the raping, [theirs] for the eating."

Jean-Claude takes all of the power and feeds the vampires with it, and those who were asleep were woken up. Anita wonders why Jean-Claude started all of this in the first place, and finally, Jean-Claude lets her "feel how terribly hurt they were." During the big fight earlier, Richard had stabbed Jean-Claude in the heart. It turns out that after stabbing Jean-Claude, Richard channeled his inner Bon Jovi and was shot through the heaaaaart (but we're not sure whose to blame). Anita realizes that Richard's body was dying. Jean-Claude fed the vampires because he was afraid he'd lose consciousness, and thus "would drain them dry."

For some reason, Richard's injuries aren't healing with the added power, and it seems as if there's something that "ate the power, but didn't heal him." Anita looks up and sees "something like a shadow on Richard's back." It's the Harlequin, now appearing in shadow form, and Anita tosses some power at the shadow. She has a sort of vision and sees two "petite and dark-haired" vampires sitting in a hotel room with masks beside them. When Anita throws the power, they fall from the bed and crash into the floor. Furniture and lamps go flying, and before the vision fades, Anita sees the hotel name on a notepad. And we're really supposed to believe the Harlequin are elite assassins? All they did was send Peter Pan's shadow to Richard, perhaps hoping he'd never grow up, and they didn't even have the presence of mind to select an untraceable location while they did so.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Anita is fading in and out of consciousness, and she hears voices. She realizes she's strapped to a gurney, and someone slaps her across the face. It's Doc Lillian, and I'd like to offer her a cupcake for giving Anita a pimp-slap. Anita is still in dream-land, so Lillian slaps her again. Finally, Anita is somewhat alert, and the Doc tells her that she's "breathing for three," and that as long as she keeps breathing, "they won't die." This doesn't really make sense at all though, because Dr. Lillian is a wererat. So shouldn't she be slumped in a heap like the other rats, drained of power, after Anita and Jean-Claude defiled her King?

Because Lillian wasn't very specific, Anita isn't sure to whom she was referring. She really isn't too quick, is she? Before she can ask, Lillian gives her some morphine, which puts her to sleep. I'm really liking Lillian now...not only has she delivered two bitch slaps with the skill of Joan Collins, but she drugged her immediately after so we wouldn't have to hear her complain about it. Vengeance is swift when you mess with the rats. In dream-land, Anita starts seeing all sorts of weird things: she envisions a masquerade ball that had taken place "centuries before [she] was born." She's stumbling about, wearing a "silver-and-white dress that was too wide to be graceful, and too tight through the ribs to let [her] breathe well." As she makes her way through the masked dancers, she feels her chest tightening, and she falls to the floor.

Anita hears Belle Morte's voice purring through her mind, telling her that she is dying. Belle, of course, is dressed for the occasion in a "crimson dress." Because she's a vampire, and vampires must wear colors that convey how bloodthirsty they are at all times. Anita is still on the floor, with Belle kneeling beside her. She takes a moment to appreciate how truly beautiful Belle is, and realizes that she can no longer feel Jean-Claude's presence. Belle informs her that Jean-Claude is "almost gone" and asks why Anita didn't request her help. Anita tries to speak, but the corset of her dress is still stifling her breathing.

Belle notices Anita's breathing troubles, and magically changes the location in the dream. They're in her bedroom now, and she takes a "huge knife" and slices through the laces of the corset. Belle reminds Anita that her dreams "can be very real" and that the corset has left her without "enough breath to spare." She goes on to inform Anita that while she is keeping Richard and Jean-Claude alive, her other triumvirate of Nathaniel and Damian are doing the same for her.

After allaying those fears, Belle asks Anita whether the Harlequin have come to town. Anita really wants to tell Belle to stop addressing her as, "ma petite," but since air is at a minimum she merely answers in the affirmative. Belle demands that she "show" her, and tells her that in her line, they trade power with kisses. She tells Anita to kiss her, "and but think of it," and that will give Belle the information that she wants.

Belle swoops in for a kiss, and whispers "think of the Harlequin." As they kiss, Anita mentally recalls all of her encounters with the Harlequin. When she's through, Belle whispers "Mercia, and Nivia." Anita asks Belle if she knows them, and she says that she does, although she wasn't aware that they were Harlequin. Belle goes on to say that "the Harlequin have broken their most profound taboo," because they're supposed to be "utterly neutral." Since they haven't delivered a black mask, they aren't allowed to "bring death," and are therefore breaking their laws. This news overjoys Belle, because breaking that law means that the Harlequin will be disbanded, forcing it's members to "go back to their bloodlines."

Anita still can't figure out why Belle is even interested, and Belle tells her that the Harlequin "were once the private guards of the Mistress of the Dark," who has been in the process of waking up for at least three books now. She must have taken some Ambien, because that is one serious sleep hangover. If the Harlequin are disbanded before she wakes up, she won't have her private little flock of guards any longer.

Belle calls Anita, "ma petite" once more, which angers Anita. Belle says that she'll call her whatever she wants, because Jean-Claude is half-dead and can't protect her right now. She promises that she'll save them all, but she'll do it "in a way that [Anita] will not like." She kisses Anita again, and in doing so releases the ardeur. I hate that phrase, "release the ardeur"...it gives me a mental image of Mr. Burns of The Simpsons screaming "Release the hounds!" while two dobermans with spiked collars come scampering out of Anita's crotch.

Anita starts running her hands all over Belle's body, and is confused because while she does so, she can feel Jean-Claude's memories of doing the exact same thing. Belle bares her fangs, bites Anita's breast around the nipple, and then kisses her with a bloody mouth. As they kiss, Anita marvels at how "dainty" Belle's mouth is, and is struck when she realizes that it had cost Jean-Claude a great deal to leave Belle. She understands that Jean-Claude "still loved her, would always love her, and nothing would change that, not even [her]."

The ardeur is still going strong, and Anita is on top of Belle, frustrated that she doesn't have a penis. I'm not even being snide, she's actually sitting there, flustered and swearing, because "more than anything in the world" she wanted to "pierce [Belle's] body" with "parts that [she] did not have into parts of her that [she] did." Surely Belle has strap-ons lying about? I think LKH meant this to be omg!shocking, and for all of us mundane readers to be sitting here clutching our pearls and fanning ourselves in shock.

Anita sees the look on Belle's face, and knows that Belle would "slit [her] throat and make love to her in the blood while [she] died" but she didn't care, so long as Belle continued to look at her in that way. Belle moves around and alternately kisses and bites Anita's body. I'm trying to find a less vulgar way to say this, but it turns out there isn't one: Belle drops down and starts eating Anita out. And not just a nibble either, she shimmies her way in for the whole damn buffet. Initially, Anita thinks that it "felt wrong" but decides that Belle's spent the last 2000 years "learning about pleasure" and that she "knew this pleasure too."

I'll say this for Belle, she sure doesn't do it half-way. She gets her whole face and fangs in there and starts licking, biting, and sucking away. Very 2 girls, 1 furry cup. Maybe I'm reading too much into things, but there's still something that bothers me about LKH's treatment of gay sex. This whole scene with Belle and Anita would have been pretty cool, if it weren't taking place in some sort of surreal-dreamlike universe. It almost seems like an escape hatch, so she can deny it later and hang on to her "morals" because it didn't happen in real time.

When she's through chowing down, Belle looks up at Anita and starts laughing. She tells her that she's fed her enough to keep everyone alive for now, but that the Harlequin will "have to kill [her] before [she] can testify against them," because they won't know what Belle now knows. Anita attempts asking Belle to "tell people," but Belle has literally fucked her stupid, and she can't enunciate. Instead, she just lies there in a heap, while the "world was still white-edged with orgasm."

Finally, Belle warns Anita that the Harlequin "have allies for their illegal activities among the council," so she'll have to be careful. She promises to "send a call out" to her bloodline, and talk to them "as of old, before they had Jean-Claude's new power to hide behind." She gives a final word of caution, saying that she's going to need "powerful food," and that she'll have to share with Jean-Claude and Richard. Anita tells her that she doesn't know how to do that, and Belle kisses her once more and whispers, "you will."

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Anita wakes up in the hospital, croaking out Belle's name. She's still hooked up to the IV, and unable to move, when she sees Cherry's face appear next to her. That would be enough to convince me that I was dead, since Cherry's been listed among the missing since Narcissus in Chains. But evidently she's alive, sporting "overly dark Goth makeup" and crying her eyes out. Anita asks why her throat is hurting, and Cherry informs her that Richard had to be intubated because he wasn't breathing on his own.

Doctor Lillian comes in the room, and instead of inquiring about two of the supposed loves of her life, Anita first asks whether or not Lillian slapped her. The Doc admits that she did, and fills Anita in on some of the details. Richard's heart had stopped because it "was pierced by a silver bullet," and that is typically a killing shot for any lycanthrope. However, since the machine is breathing for him, she expects him to heal. In the meanwhile, Jean-Claude "is in a sort of coma." Dr. Lillian assumed he was dead, since she doesn't know a whole lot about "vampire medicine," but Asher had told her that it's sort of a "hibernation while he heals himself."

Nathaniel and Damian have been eating and feeding enough for five people, to help fuel Anita, Richard, and Jean-Claude. In the midst of all of this, the vampires have been having a little tete a tete about the current situation. Lillian tells Anita that Jean-Claude really needs to wake up before dawn, because otherwise he'll "drain the little vamps to death." Anita tells Lillian to send Asher and the other vampires in the room, but when she opens the door, it's Edward who walks in.

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