A trip back in time...

[easol.livejournal.com]

... to when the ghastly vampire-powahz masturbation known as Danse Macabre came out. Apparently after reading through hundreds of pages of LKH dribble with nothing happening, someone decided to, ahem, come up with a heavily condensed version.

You know, no descriptions of flowing silky hair, boring backstories, whining about Richard, and the rambling thickheaded questions from Anita result in JC screaming at her. Instad, we have Monty Python paraphrases, Princess Bride references, and the line "Some jerk French Slashy Master Vamp called me in here from the loo!"

Warning: You may bust a gut while reading this.

http://www.pommedesang.com/pdsbb/viewtopic.php?t=6593

Comments

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

"
Both: Wondervamp powers activate!
Anita: Shape of a Necromancer!
Auggie: Form of a sex god!"

I literally burst out into laughter at that point. :D

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

"Anita: * checks snatch * So you’re saying…?
Eleanor: You give ‘crack’ whole new wide world of meaning.
JC: Emphasis on wide….
JC: So, as a *snortcough * crackdealer, you’re obligated to boink Requiem."

*sporfle*

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

"Anita: Bark like a dog.
Requiem: Boo-woo!
Anita: Cluck like a chicken!
Requiem: Buh-caaaw!
Anita: Snicker. I mean, so, hey JC, does this mean he’ll do ANYTHING I want? I’m just asking, you know, for research purposes and all."

*more sporfle*

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

"

Chapter 32:

Both: *Strip *
Requiem: Ahhhh. At lasssst!
Anita: * yawn * Any time now.
Requiem: Hang on. Let me shift here…
Anita: Right. Wait. Hmm. Try wiggling a little to the le..yeah.
Requiem: Ow…wait!
Requiem: My earring is caught in your hair…hold it…
Anita: No pulling! Wait! Ouch.
Anita: Scoot up more…
Requiem: My knee…!
Anita: Hold on, roll a little over…right.
Requiem: Just like that….?
Anita: Hehe…oops sorry.
Anita: Hang on.
Anita: Let me try standing this way.
Requiem: Oof. No. Wait…the angle’s off.
Anita: How’s this?
Requiem: * boink boink boink * …hmmm. Maybe.
Anita: What’s the problem?
Requiem: Do you love me?
Anita: I really don’t.
Requiem: Perfomance anxiety.
Anita: Get off!
Requiem: rats…. * deflate *
Ardeur: Feeed me semour!
Anita: * tarzan yell *
Ardeur: Scanning for a target…
Everyone in room: * one step back *
Ardeur: Target aquired.
Target: Shit.
Ardeur: Verify range to target Vacily. One ping only.
Target: I am not the Dallas and this is definitely not The Hunt for Red October.
Ardeur: And the seventh angel poured forth his bowl into the air, and a voice cried out from heaven, saying,"It is done".
Target: Sshwing (dammit)!
Anita: Wow. Now thas' what I’m talking ‘bout! I’ve saved my two boys and you’re really good in bed, “Target”.
Target: “London”.
Anita: “London”…. SHIT! "

XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD SO MUCH - *catches Revelations reference* *dies of out-loud laughter* HAAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAA HA HA _HA_! :DDDDDDDDDDDDDD

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

"
DocNorth: And you are carrying at least 5 fetuses in there.
All: * stare *
DocNorth: I’m just joking about the last. I was on a roll. "

Heeheehee...

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

"
JC: You called?
Anita: Where have you been?
JC: I never left the room. In fact, no one has left the room. The cast has just gotten so unwieldy that we all simply power down and make like room sculptures until it’s our turn to speak.
Anita: Really?
JC: And no, we aren’t going to tell you where we keep our off buttons! "

I'm going to have to collect these *sporfle* moments together...

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

"
Anita: I shall summon the big black mouth of doom!
Merlin: Was that a gun metaphor?
Anita: I don’t need guns anymore! Ya-a-a-w-n!
Merlin: Oh my god! The gaping hole! It’s huge! Can’t stay out…!
JC: Well, duhhh: Ubersnatch. "

"Lillian: Moo-haha! You are in my power then! Declare me your Lord and Master and I’ll give you morphine.
Anita: Done! "

"Anita: No, I won’t share my men with another woman, even a ghosty woman.
Munin-Raina: In that case, let me poke around in YOUR goodie bits. * poke * *stir *
Anita: Strudel and Salsa, that’s me.
Munin-Raina: What’s this? No fair, you have your own she-wolf. I thought I was your only bitch? "

"Requiem: I’m nothing if not inconsistent. This good with you m’lady?
Jason: (Did he just call her ‘malady’?) "

"
Nathaniel: Double-time.
Jason: Top.
Nathaniel: Bottom.
Anita: Ack! I don’t bend that way!
Boys: Sorry, car sex.
Requiem: * Holds up Kama Sutra diagram. *
Trio: *Fumble Stumble *
Requiem: * Holds up stereo instruction diagram *
Trio: Ah! Got it. *boink boink boink * "

"Nathaniel: I love you.
Anita; I love you.
Jason: I love you.
Anita: I love you.
Nathaniel: You’re my besht friend man.
Jason: Yeah man. I love you.
Anita: I love you too.
Nathaniel: I love /you/ too.
Jason: Me too.
Anita: Me too.
Nathaniel: Same here.
Anita: Oh yes, same he…
Requiem: Oh, shut the heck up.
Anita: Well, we have to get dressed anyway.
Jason: This looks like a job for baby wipes.
Nathaniel: The quicker picker uppers.
Anita: Back to the show boys, let link arms and wave to my detractors!
Jason: *Wave * Pay no attention to the bouncers from the limo."

XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

"Post Reply with quote
Chapter 52:

Nathaniel: Back to watching the show * Glee *
Anita: Hold my hand.
Damien: Hold my hand.
Jean Claude: Hold my hand.
Damien: Hold my hand.
Anita: Hold my hand.
Nathaniel: Hold my hand.
Anita: Musical Opera Chairs. Whoot.
Jean Claude: Look how talented are the dancers! They swim in their own magic.
Anita: I don’t like this. They are too powerful to be here, right Nathaniel?
Nathaniel: ooOOOooooOoooooOOOooooohhhh! * taking technical notes. *
Anita: ……..
Anita: Right Jason?
Jason: aaAAAaaaaAaaaaaAAAaaaaahhh! *taking more technical notes. *
Anita: maybe we shouldn’t have dancing strippers to help protect us from dancing villains?
Ballet Boy Adonis: Just call me “Santiago”! Moohoohaaa!
Ballet Troop: Just call us “Theatre d’ Vampire”!
Merlin: And I bear a striking resemblance to “Antonio Banderas”!
Audience: Hooray Armand…we mean, Merlin! Bravo! Bravo!
Anita: Yawn. Time for cast party.
"

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

"Anita: That monkeys invented nightlights because she made the dark scary. . Hey, I remember now, I sensed you in one of my Mommie visions. You used to be a cave man! She turned you into a vampire.
Merlin: You’re right. You have seen her! That means she really is waking. *eep * "

...I read "waking" as "wanking". XD

"

Chapter 54:

Damien: Hurry up you ninnies! You’re killing me again!
Anita: I’m on it. Or under it, as the case may be!
Asher: You do realize that through the course of this series you have covered about 99.5% of all positions available in the Kama Sutra, and a goodly number of social perversions besides??
Anita: What’s your point?
Asher: I’m a better stud than any of your other studs, and we are at the literal Climax of the book. I expect to top all of them to make up for my lack of page time.
Anita: Yeah! That’s true! Oh! Idea! How about we have sex till you kill me?
Everyone: * eagerly * Is that a PROMISE?
Asher: Our wish is your command! *gnaw * *drill *
Anita: * Ut *



Chapter 55:

Anita: *blink * *blink * Hey. I’m still alive. And in the hospital.
Nurse: Silly, silly girl. No one important EVER dies in a LKH novel.
Anita: Not since book one anyway.
Asher: Hi. Just stopped by to say ‘sorry’ and stuff. Plus, JC and everyone is going to kill me for almost killing you. I feel awful. Mostly.
JC: *off stage * No we won’t kill you.
Anita: No we won’t kill you.
Asher: Dur? Why not?
Anita: Because it was fun! I love extreme bedroom sports. Next time we’ll remember our spotter.
JC: * off stage * Because I love you and I do what she tells me to do. I’ll be your spotter next time.
Asher: Oh. Groov. By the way. You gave me superpowers. I now have an animal to call: Hyenas.
Anita: Hm. Cool.
Asher: …..
Asher: So, what? We done now?
Anita: Well, lessee….
· I’m a succubus, check.
· London will probably be my pomme de sang, check.
· I sleep with a cross under my pillow instead of a gun now, check (no state of my monster-ness there at all, nope).
· Sampson the merman is still hanging around for a bit of tail, check.
· Chicago Playas have all gone home, check.
· I’m not pregnant but I’ve quit menstruating so the doc says I need a vacation. Or therapy. Check.
· Richard has solidly been character assassinated for all time, check.
· And oh yeah, I’m going to re-landscape: Colonial-Spanish New Orleans wrought-iron.
Asher: I’m out of here then. With any luck, I won’t have to make much of an appearance with the next book.
Fans: Nor will we!


Fade To Black"
*standing ovation*

[knowthyself.livejournal.com]

Wow. Even reading all of that was painful!

[saadiira.livejournal.com]

I KNOW...and it was snarked all to hell. At least the Im-ho-teps gave me the giggles.

-Dira-

[manekikoneko.livejournal.com]

It really emphasizes what a mess her books are when the super-stripped down version is still that hard to read.

[morriganscrow.livejournal.com]

But it was FUNNY, which makes up for the length.
Sadly, I don't think there's enough LULZ in the whole world to save the books as they stand.

[gothgoddessrhia.livejournal.com]

This was freaking hilarious, but oh my gawd so painful to read. It still hurt my head. Despite the snark it was still LKH in all her glory and it was awful!

I'm so glad I threw that book across the room and then sold it with the rest of her series to Half Price Books.

DM did me in and I willingly admit it.

*goes to scrub her brain*

[othellia.livejournal.com]

Richard: She chose Leopard! I’m out of here.
Anita: Wait is that wrong?
Richard: Too late now!

Is that a Labyrinth quote I spy? :D Soon after though, it was just too much and I skipped ahead to the vampire ballet. God... Vampire ballet reminds me of Hitler on Ice. If it's not being done in parody, it shouldn't be done at all. D:

LMFAO

[digitalusrex.livejournal.com]

mermaid = "chicken of the sea"

Richard: My every dream doth come true! Father, I, upon this very day!

[longtail.livejournal.com]

Can't...breathe....AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!

I've shown this to my roomate who showed it to my other roomate, who showed it to a friend, who has now shown it to another friend....spread the Anita parody porn! LOL!