Blood Noir, Chapter 1

[sharkbytes.livejournal.com]

Hello, lovely lashers! I was sitting here, getting ready to finish up the next Harlequin snark (which I will post tomorrow) and I was goofing around and checking myspace. Lo and behold, there was a bulletin from LKH's myspace in my inbox. Normally, I don't bother to read these because they're always updates that are 3 weeks out of date, or a reminder to order a Guilty Pleasures comic poster. But today, it was a link to the first chapter of Blood Noir. Naturally, I couldn't resist giving it a read. Click at your own risk.

The link: http://www.laurellkhamilton.org/Anita/BloodNoirChapterOne.html

The temptation to snark is killing me!!!!

Comments

Give in to Tempation

[amamelina.livejournal.com]

Cause, I'd love to read your take on it. And I'm eagerly waiting for the next Harlequin snark to come out. Your wit and insight are amazing.

Re: Give in to Tempation

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

Please, please, please post a Harlequin snark. I've started a diet, work sucks and I realllllllly need a laugh

[amamelina.livejournal.com]

I know. I tried reading it. This is why Sharkbytes is my hero. I got sick half-way through with the immediate character assassination of poor Perdy.

I'm making Rum Swizzles for the community. If you need a hard drink after that chapter, you're all free to have one.

[nimnix.livejournal.com]

Oh my god I couldn't read it all. I think I may just have to read it through your snark.

[sharkbytes.livejournal.com]

I thought the same thing while reading it, to be honest. Jason seems to be posing arguments similar to ones we've all had on lashouts. LKH though Anita does a pretty lousy job of defending, but not for lack of trying.

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

I'm voting for this being the funniest idea in the book

"Most of the wereanimals would go around nude if you let them. I wasn't quite comfy with that, so he wore the shorts to save my delicate sensibilities. There were some who thought I didn't have any of those left, but they would be wrong, and they would be jealous."

[brightlyiburn.livejournal.com]

I skimmed, so I missed that. Wow...all the subtlety of a sledgehammer between the eyes.

Which, coincidentally, is about how it feels to read her so-called dialog.

[tenaya-owlcat.livejournal.com]

That's just... wow. Please to be snarking it. :P

[sharkbytes.livejournal.com]

It's just begging for it, isn't it? I think I'm going to snark it, and add it on to the end of the next Harlequin post.

[drho.livejournal.com]

Is it in English, because I don't think my brain can translate from the original snowflake.

But let me guess. I predict Anita has to have sex for some reason. She describes someone with long hair and oddly-colored eyes (pink? orange?). During or prior to sex, Anita opines that jealous haters are jealous. This might be out of order, as sex is secondary to telling the haters off.

[sharkbytes.livejournal.com]

Your prediction is almost perfect, lol. Anita has to have sex because--wait for it--Jason's depressed. He broke up with Perdy, and his dad has cancer, and he's in need of some lovin' from his best pals.

[asilentpart.livejournal.com]

That's so poorly written. Wow.

[bubblefaerie.livejournal.com]

So I tried to read this. I got through some of it, but I found this more unreadable than her previous books. I noticed several mistakes, including "loose" instead of "lose."

And aparently Jason has the soap opera thing of tragedy making someone want to have sex.

What is her obsession with short guys? I had no idea Jason was supposed to be 5'3" or so. It's like she's collecting them.

But this, in the first couple paragraphs, really makes me dislike her books.
...he wore the shorts to save my delicate sensibilities. There were some who thought I didn't have any of those left, but they would be wrong, and they would be jealous."
There she goes again... How many times is she going to start off her book with a jab at negative readers?

[beth-ann.livejournal.com]

I think he obsession with short guys goes back to the control issue. Anita needs to be taller than the men around her to prove she's stronger. Which of course is odd because most women seem to want the man to be taller. I have a friend that's like 6 foot in heels and laments being unable to find a guy taller than her in those heels.

[lilacwire.livejournal.com]

For those of us browsing at work, is this at all work safe? I'm ready to see the train wreck, but don't know if I can!

[bubblefaerie.livejournal.com]

I think it's safe, but I just skimmed. It seems like she cuts off before the sex and we just get left with the angsting before sex.

[mystickiwi.livejournal.com]

"Nathaniel answered the question. "Jason has made love in a bed and only a bed since he started being with Perdy."
I frowned, then looked at Jason, still in a loose hug with me. "I understand no shower or bath sex. Mermaids have trouble retaining human form in water, but nothing but the bed?"
He shook his head.
"Standard positions, too?" I made it a question.
He nodded.
My eyes widened. "Oh, Jason, I'm sorry, I didn't know." I hugged him tighter"


OH GOD THE HORROR! That part practically snarks itself. But I look forward to seeing what you can do with it sharkybytes!

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

Gosh, cause you know, it's more FUN to do it on a cold tile floor or in a kitchen sink. GAG

[tsubaki-ny.livejournal.com]

That was quite the bang between the eyes. No pun intended at all. Ouch.

[lilacwire.livejournal.com]

Can anyone see Nathaniel actually arguing at the DMV over his license?

"No, my eyes HAVE TO BE PURPLE!"

Laurell has got such an amazing hangup over this.

[sharkbytes.livejournal.com]

I bet Nathaniel practiced his DMV-photo-shoot for DAYS before going in to take the picture, lol. And I bet after they told him he couldn't have purple, he walked away muttering, "this is so not fierce."

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

Wasn't there some line in one of the books where Jason talks about having gone where no man has gone before?

[quizzicalsphinx.livejournal.com]

Nothing happened.

Let me repeat that: nothing happened.

Way to go, first chapter! That's just the way to grab your reader's attention and leave them quivering for more! Seriously, did anyone else see a plot-hook there? I read it twice, and I saw nothing.

[dameruth.livejournal.com]

Well, everyone's apparently planning an orgy for the next chapter (at least, that's what I got from my wincing skim of the chapter). I guess that's as much of a plot hook as we're supposed to need, anymore.

[dinsedaledarby.livejournal.com]

*headdesk*

I am so glad I stopped reading her books.

yay for more harlequin snark!

[ayako.livejournal.com]

Nathaniel is still growing? D:

[quizzicalsphinx.livejournal.com]

"Nathaniel had changed a lot over the summer holidays . . . "

[the-ellcrys.livejournal.com]

If you had posted this without saying where it was from, I would swear it's bad fanfic.

[lilacwire.livejournal.com]

And isn't the truly amazing thing that there's fanfic out there that is BETTER than this?

[daphne-gateau.livejournal.com]

Gah. Just the other day I was saying I'd read Blood Noir, but I don't know if I can now. Jason was one of the few characters I thought was still cool and well, thanks to this chapter I'm over that now. :( Please give this chapter the snark and shredding it deserves. :D

Jason sounds like an ass, doesn't he? Like he's just realized he's not the hot-shot lover he always thought he was and now he's depressed and has performance issues. And naturally he has to blame the bad sex on Purdy. :s So, it makes total sense he comes around and wants to have the hawt sex with Anita again. Just to prove to himself that he's still got it. Jason, Jason. I'm sorry. You were one of my faves but you suck as a character now - and it's only Chapt 1. He's the dime-a-dozen asshole my girlfriends and I have put up with over the years. Charming, handsome but no substance, and lousy sex. I totally understand why Jason never had a serious girlfriend now. *nods*

In a NORMAL story we would hear that the other problems Purdy was having with Jason like anger, resentment, trust issues and commitment phobia were effecting their lovemaking, but not here. In this book it's just ALL the woman's fault the guy isn't enjoying his sex. That's LKH's brand of edgy feminism for you!

[sharkbytes.livejournal.com]

He's the dime-a-dozen asshole my girlfriends and I have put up with over the years. Charming, handsome but no substance, and lousy sex.

I agree! Jason has always struck me as the "everyman" in this series. Despite being a werewolf and a pomme, he's young, somewhat educated, and is usually refreshingly normal. This chapter really made him look not just like an everyman, but a complete ass as well. A stereotypical, insecure twenty-something that fails at stable relationships. I shudder to think what will happen to his character by the end of the book--it seems like he's headed on the road to ruin like so many before him.

[alondra-del-sol.livejournal.com]

Urk, it burns. That should have some sort of warning on it. "Warning: Reading this WILL make your brain bleed."

I just couldn't stop laughing at the ridiculousness, especially when apparently the only way Jason can feel good about himself is to have a session with the doomcrotch. Not to mention all of the blatant jabs to her 'negative readers', and the reaffirmation that she is more edgy than the rest with her mocking of standard positions. I agree with everyone above.

I stopped reading at...I'm not sure where I stopped reading, but... I was reading this and more than ever do I feel a break from the Anita Blake I remember. Especially since I've been avoiding the last several like the plague, excepting the excellent snarking that has gone on here of course. It might as well be an entirely different series with an entirely different Anita Blake. I'm sure chapter 2 will be filled with spilling and her super special orgasms of healing which will magically heal Jason's tortured soul.

Oh jeez *tries not to even think about it*.

[sharkbytes.livejournal.com]

It's such a horrid first chapter, isn't it? She has to make sure to get those little jabs in before the "plot" gets rolling. Okay already, we get it, Anita is sexually adventurous and the object of jealousy. All the men want her, all the women want to be her. The last five or so books have been just pushing that idea ad nauseam, to the point where it's becoming a case of the lady protesting too much. Seems like someone *coughLKHcough* is a bit defensive~~

[tsubaki-ny.livejournal.com]

"If me feeding the ardeur off of you through sex bugged your steady girl,

I am getting the most twisted 1950s vibe from that sentence. (Well, half sentence.)

[kd-lalala.livejournal.com]

Read through it all the way. The grammatically incorrect filth will not come off me. Ugh ugh ugh ugh.

[kd-lalala.livejournal.com]

"Sex is one of the most personal things we do as people. To have someone who says they love you, limit how you express yourself in the bedroom is like a small death. It kills the soul."

This line made me laugh so very hard XD A bit of compromise in that area so both get what they need is always a good thing but come ON. She'd only have standard bed sex with him, which KILLS HIS SOUL! Oh, ANGST! And of course that's a big huge issue he couldn't possibly, you know, talk out with Perdy and try to settle it between them because Perdy is, of course, the token jealous bitch for this particular book (or one of them at least).

I was growling over this and then I remembered LKH doesn't particuarly define any of her characters except by how they have sex. Forgot that for a moment and actually thought about it as if it were a decently written book. Silly me.

[no-ron.livejournal.com]

omfg!!! this is unbelievable! :))) it's so delightfully baaaaaad and it's only the 1st chapter! i'm really looking forward to 'Blood Noir'.. :)

how can someone after that many years in the biz, someone who wrote (allegedly? it really makes one wonder..) the first nine AB novels, even remotely mean it and consider that publishable?
she must have had her brain tinkered with by aliens, or i can't conceive..

another chapter-length wangsty rumination and re-rumination about an impending fuck! i swear it's like a bunch of recycled scene-parts and lines and shit from previous books, thrown together with a different character combo now.

and you bet the first thing a heavily miserable Jason will consider after having his girlfriend walk out on him and learning his father's dying (which are actually the only two new facts the whole chapter offers) is a shag with the one-and-only Anita!

[sharkbytes.livejournal.com]

Hee, I know, the irony of it is that I really want to read Blood Noir now, if only to see just how bad it will get.

This series kills me with the hour-long debates about scheduling sex. They were PLANNING OUT LOCATIONS. Who does that?!! Honestly, if you need a map and a GPS for a pre-planned orgy, something has gone horribly awry. I never thought I'd say this to LKH, but geez, why not let them just kick up their heels and fuck? Do they really need to draft a charter before getting down to business?

If Jason's really that bummed, they ought to have taken him out for a drink and lapdance. It's only common courtesy!

[gothgoddessrhia.livejournal.com]

This is a small flog, but I'm so ANGRY and BITTER about reading this and guess what, I'm GLAD! Italics is LKH's new masterpiece, bold is my emphasis, regular text is me

Holding him, breathing in the warmth and sweet vanilla of his skin, I understood the jealousy. Though frankly, not all of it was about sex or even having found love at last. It was about power and them wanting it, and me and mine having it.

I think that sums up LKH's attitude about a lot of stuff, not just Anita's.

I shook my head, and stood up, moving away from him. "Don't forget Requiem, and London, and sometimes Richard. Oh, wait, and the swan king pops in now and then, no pun intended." It sounded angry and bitter, and I was glad.

Again, this sounds so much like LKH's attitude, I can't even see that blurry line between her and Anita anymore.

And a perfect example of a head scratching moment and how she never makes any real sense:

I gave him a look, but kept talking. I was going to finish this thought, damnit. "Sex is one of the most personal things we do as people. To have someone who says they love you, limit how you express yourself in the bedroom is like a small death. It kills the soul."

But she turns around and has this happen a few seconds later:

"What if I want something too freaky?"
"Then I'll say no, and you can back it down a little."

Oh, riiiiiiiiiiiight...sorry. What makes other women bitches makes Anita liberated and loving and wonderful and special.

Okay, I read the damn chapter. And it was BORING. And sounded like a million other angsty conversations in these books. And it ends with a negotiation on SEX! Ugh...sooooooooooo boring.

I remember when her books started off with a bang. I miss the old zombie raisings and Anita doing her job. Now the formula is angst, angst, angst, sex, angst, ohmygawdbadguys, sex, bad guys go away, angst, sex, angst.

My head hurts. I guess I should stop smacking it into the desk now.

[amamelina.livejournal.com]

I gave him a look, but kept talking. I was going to finish this thought, damnit. "Sex is one of the most personal things we do as people. To have someone who says they love you, limit how you express yourself in the bedroom is like a small death. It kills the soul."

But she turns around and has this happen a few seconds later:

"What if I want something too freaky?"
"Then I'll say no, and you can back it down a little."


Ok I didn't make it that far down. Sooo, if Perdy (Purdy, whatever) says no to something Jason wants, she's the evil bitch, but if Anita says no to something Jason wants, it's ok? Or was that Jason to Anita?

[ainjul.livejournal.com]

I havn't read this. Not GOING to read it, because I have a nice picture in my brain of Jason never having sullied himself with her doom crotch. (by the way, I hear "doom crotch" and totally think of that movie Descent...)

[fadeinthewash.livejournal.com]

I think of that movie Teeth. :)