Smart Bitches take on Anita

[syrinx.livejournal.com]

For those who don't read Smart Bitches Who Love Trashy Books, the topic of listmaking and Anita Blake came up...


Now of course I’m making all kinds of lists in my head, like “Things I Will Do When I am Anita Blake,” (e.g. “Put 50 condoms in my fanny pack each morning, plus two extra just in case in the socks that match my shirt.” “Do my day job because that shit was cool.” “Spend a few honest moments evaluating why I am (or was) so conflicted between the faith in my head and the fire in my loins.” “Stay out of the shower if were-somethings are in there.")

(Hope this hasn't been posted already!)

Just curious, what would you all list for Anita?

Comments

[dreamstrifer.livejournal.com]

Haha, I was totally going to post this, but I didn't have time because I had to go to work.

Sarah and Candy amuse me so much. "Stay out of the shower if were-somethings are in there" is my favorite. Hee!

[longtail.livejournal.com]

Get a tubal ligation.

[hookncrook.livejournal.com]

ood one, and definatly needed.

[easol.livejournal.com]

I'd think a hysterectomy, just to be 200% safe.

[silent-sybil.livejournal.com]

It would grow back. -_-

[easol.livejournal.com]

See, I don't understand why nobody's done this yet. It's not like the old girl is up and fighting.

[jeza-red.livejournal.com]

'cos that would require.. dunno, planning? And we all know how good is Anita lately in that department-__- She CAN'T remember to pack that friggin' power bar in her bag in the morning! >_<

And the trip to MOAD would require less sexxin... and we all know how good Anita is in that departmen-__-

25 Things I will do when I am Anita Blake

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

1) Drink a gallon of saltpeter every day.

2) Also, go to the Mayo Clinic and see if they can do anything for supernaturally-induced nymphomania. (If it means getting rid of the ardeur, the harem would probably be delighted to pay for this visit.)

3) Get myself sterilized. I'm not mature enough to raise a child, and it's time I admitted it.

4) Get tested for STDs as well.

5) Take time away from the harem.

6) Learn what the word "ephebephilia" means.

7) Then stop having sex with physically, mentally and emotionally adolescent people--permanently.

8) Excise Micah from my life.

9) Stop dissing Ronnie.

10) Make an effort to get over my extremely old-fashioned homophobia.

11) Yes, this does mean apologizing to Jean-Claude and Asher.

12) AND telling that that I don't mind if they have sex. Even if I do.

13) Take a class in the mechanics of English--spelling, grammar, capitalization and punctuation.

14) For the whole semester.

15) AND pass it. With an A.

16) Actually research BDSM instead of assuming I know all about it.

17) Try to comprehend that "submissive" and "weak" are NOT synonyms.

18) Spend more time with actual humans so that I can remember why it's important to protect them from the bad guys.

19) Read actual non-fiction books about subjects I know nothing about...even though I think I know everything about them.

20) Admit that I've been lying about my age for years.

21) Also, admit that having sex with a male swan is a lot more WTF than having sex with a physically human female.

22) Get a therapist who can help me with my issues and who has no trouble accepting the supernatural.

23) Take anger management classes.

24) Start working at my day job again...

25) ...once I find out what a Federal Marshall actually DOES.

Re: 25 Things I will do when I am Anita Blake

[amamelina.livejournal.com]

I feel really stupid, but what does ephebephilia mean?

Re: 25 Things I will do when I am Anita Blake

[suzycat.livejournal.com]

Attraction to adolescents.

Re: 25 Things I will do when I am Anita Blake

[amamelina.livejournal.com]

Ah, ok. Thank you!

Re: 25 Things I will do when I am Anita Blake

[easol.livejournal.com]

You mean with someone other than adoring lesbians?

Re: 25 Things I will do when I am Anita Blake

[judaistic.livejournal.com]

Secretly I think Anita's a fag hag. JC and Asher are good examples.

[suzycat.livejournal.com]

1. Burn that fucking penguin nightshirt.
2. Sleep.
3. Get the groceries.
4. Do my day job because that shit *was* cool, Smart Bitches, and you are so right.
5. Try assuaging the ardeur with a good wank instead of various were-beings.
6. Stake Jean-Claude for calling me "ma petite" because I totally hate that shit.
7. Purge my wardrobe of polo shirts, running shorts, oversized t-shirts and double breasted anythings.
8. Invest in some good sturdy sports bras. They don't interfere with guns at all, really.
9. Fuck Edward, because you know it's been on the cards forever and he's better than all these ponytailed supernatural emos.

[nimnix.livejournal.com]

9. prerequisite:
Get completely sterilized, checked out for STDs, serious therapy, and an actual sense of self-respect based on reality and not desperate boot-lickers, THEN fuck Edward. Edward doesn't need the baggage she currently brings.

[belledewinter.livejournal.com]

Word. I shipped Anita with Edward before I reached the last books of the series and thus got my brain broken. And before I knew fanfic for this fandom was 'not on'.

[suzycat.livejournal.com]

Me too. I haven't read the ones where she's infected with Must Shag Everything Disease - the last one I read was the one where she bonks Jean-Claude after getting traumatised about Richard being all wolfy - but I was always "oh, tish and pish to Monsieur Ma Petite, and Richard's pony tail is icky. Edward! EDWARD!"

[hookncrook.livejournal.com]

Where have all the penguins gone?

[belledewinter.livejournal.com]

1. Actually work.
2. Get all those were-people out of my house. I bet they have their own.
3. Make peace with my best friend. Even if I have to spend the rest of my life in a convent.
4. Stop being such a self-centered bitch.
5. Buy some 'nice' clothes which aren't terribly from the 80's.
6. Get rid of the harem and just stick to one. Or none, after all this.
7. Grow up.

[dinsedaledarby.livejournal.com]

I agree with Returning to her day job.
Also:
1. Therapy. Lots of it.
2. Apologize to everyone i know for my behavior.
3. find someway to get rid of ardeur
4. after getting rid of the ardeur, kick everyone out of my apartment.
5. go back to work
6. more Therapy
7. stop acting like a teenager and grow the fuck up. Stop acting like i am a victim and take responsibility for way my life has turned out and then do something about it.

Kind of along the same lines as everyone else. Mostly just go back to having a real life.

Smart Bitches=love :)

[mranon-y-mous.livejournal.com]

1. Stop being such a bitch to Ronnie.
2. Stop flaunting man-harem in front of ronnie when she needs relationship help.
3. Kick man-harem out of apartment. Seriously, they need to pull their own weight around here.
4. Go get this weird rash on my thigh checked out.
6. Get a personality.
7. Start a real friendship, not just fuck buddies, but a good to honest friendship.
8. Learn social skills.
9. Go talk to actual people.
10. Go see if Ronnie will forgive me for being a such a bitch.
11. Buy condoms.
12. Get on birth control. (I hear they can give you better skin, and shoter lighter periods now Yay! =D)
13. Admit to my arduer powers are bullshit, I just wanted to know what it's like to be a whore. I didn't like it that much.
14. Buy eggs.
15. Get new wardrobe filled with trandy, fashionable clothing from THIS ERA.
16. Burn that goddamn penguin shirt.
17. Tell Jean-Claude that he is not Lestat.
18. Tell Jean-Claude that I'm not Louis.
19. Stop roleplaying with Jean-Claude.
20. Stop talking to Jean-Claude.
21. Kill Jean-Claude.
22. Stop talking to were things.
23. Stop talking to fairies, vampires, and anything that likes the taste of human flesh.
24. Get a normal job.
25. LEAVE THE BULLSHIT FOREVER.

[icecreamempress.livejournal.com]

Most of these are equally applicable for a "Things to do if I am Ever the Laurell K. Hamilton" list!

[karmyn75.livejournal.com]

1. Allow the harem to get hair cuts if they want.
2. Let them be gay with other men.
3. Learn that some colors do not go together and do not look good on anyone.
4. Limit self to one lover.
5. Spend money saved on lube to update wardrobe.
6. Excise the following words from vocabulary: tight, wet, spill, penguin, Micah, homophobe, harem, etc
7. Learn new words and concepts such as monogamous, birth control, rape is bad, some men prefer sex with men, gay means not attracted to women, etc

[rinkori.livejournal.com]

Gain a sense of humility.

Learn to lose graciously.

Invest in a good vibrator and try out celibacy until I get my head screwed back on right.

Go to therapy to learn how to stop manipulating and being manipulated.

Go back to working as an animator and occasional police consultant until I can quietly retire.

[bludflower.livejournal.com]

1. Admit to myself that being a woman can mean what I WANT it to mean. Nix the cliches.
2. Get breast reduction if they're THAT much of a stinking burden, worth paragraphs of complaining.
3. Eat a meal and enjoy it, instead of playing the finicky 2-year-old.
4. Sleep a full eight hours. No one who is CONSTANTLY exhausted can look as good as she supposedly does.
5. Lose the fanny pack... C'mon, tacky!
6. Lose the 'tude. Maybe male cops and every female on the face of the planet wouldn't be so hateful towards her if she'd quit being such a surly bitch.
7. Carry an extra pair of panties. I think we're all sick of her going into battle in a thong or losing her chonies and going comando at awkward times.
8. Learn the art of compromise.
9. Go back to work--of course.
10. Or...Just take all the big bucks from the job Anita no longer has and check into a mental hospital.

[moonsinger.livejournal.com]

Have sex with Claudia and Ronnie--why not. Better yet, just have a group orgy. Require everyone to be tested for STD's once a month. Abject apologies to Dolph. Get a bigger bed and basement. Get therapy for all the men she's abused. Leave all of the guys under 18 alone.

[hookncrook.livejournal.com]

Screw Olaf because he is the closest thing to a 'real relationship' I have had in the last five novels.

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

Tell Edward he has to get Peter therapy now. Blackmail the kid into going. (Not by offering sex)

Spend the next three years finding every wereswan in the country and apologize for having raped them while having ardeur sex with Donovan(?)

Spend the rest of my life repenting for destroying Joseph, the Regina and their family. This is best done in a convent while following a vow of silence.

[jeza-red.livejournal.com]

1. LET RICHARD GO!!! Let him goooo;__; Or at least kill him quickly.
2. Get away from J.C., 'cos he's a bad cookie-__-
3. Get away from Asher before he kills me... seriously, I almost can feel his eyes on me when I turn and it's not a funny feeling.
4. Get Nate a REAL therapy in a nice support centre at the seaside somewhere in Europe...
5. Trade sex for chocolate, my tights are touching already so what do I care?
6. Get back to work. Do it. Do it well.
7. Stop pushing everybody around 'cos personally I don't like when people/not people are plotting to kill me><
8. Use my freakishly awesome powers to beat MOAD into the ground and forget that I had them.
9. Get a better bra.
10. Dismiss my men-harem. Tell them to go home and take care of their lives/packs/girlfriends/fammilies/dogs/whatever!

[darkese.livejournal.com]

1. Pray
2. ask forgiveness
3. Invest because I can't be 20 something forever. Believe it or not.
4. Get personal information on all these men in my harem, give the information to the cops and have background checks run on all of them. Lets weed out some spies and crap.
5. Hire Edward to kill the council since they are always trying to kill me.
6. Make sure I have a good alibi for when council members are killed.
7. Kill Asher - he almost killed me and I liked it. He's dangerous.
8. Bug all of JC's businesses - he's probably up to something no good.
9. Start investing time and money on an lycanthropy cure because I can't have all these beasts in me forever.
10. Figure out where the 'old country of Europe' is that MOAD is hiding and kill her.
11. Go back and make sure she is dead.
12. Stop vacationing with friends until MOAD and council is dead UNLESS the vacation is part of my alibi.
13. Take Practical Magic courses.
14. Talk to my family because they are more important then the monsters (and they don't think I taste good).
15. Cut out everyone who thinks I taste good from my life. Even if they only think it one night a month. I am not the other white meat.
16. Sleep with ugly strangers only to feed the ardeur. When I feel like a total skank, get rid of the ardeur and/or work on controling it. Sleeping with beautiful adoring men I 'love' isn't motivating me fast enough.
17. Pap smear

[easol.livejournal.com]

I love this stuff. Keep going, smart bitches!

[jeza-red.livejournal.com]

Oh, and never, never, NEVER go to Chicago! Harry already has enough work as it is-___-

[easol.livejournal.com]

Yeah, he may be an incubus, but he has standards dammit!

[jeza-red.livejournal.com]

You know what? I just got that picture in my head... of Justine going all Chuck Norris on Anita with a "Keep your Crotch away from MY boyfriend!!!" XD

[easol.livejournal.com]

Oooh, I'd love to see Justine going all crazy-batshit-overemotional on Anita.

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

I'd love to see Charity going all crazy-batshit-insane on Anita. "Keep your sluttish Crotch away from my husband NOW!" Hello, the lady is a swordswoman AND a blacksmith. No one sane messes with Charity or her family.

(Not that Michael would look at Anita, as he's besotted with his wife and an uber-honorable Knight of the Cross to boot, but as soon as she heard she couldn't have him, Anita would want him.)

[jeza-red.livejournal.com]

With Michael... I think Anita would touch him and burst in flames = Holy Powazz he carries around would bake her extra crispy in a nanosecond^__^

Yes honey, the God doesn't like you anymore since you fu**ed Nate and messed with swans^^

[shadowbloodwing.livejournal.com]

01: Get tested for absolutely every STD/disease known to man.
02: Get tested and hopefully rid of everything that makes you less thn human (necromancy/animating skills can stay, those pwned).
03: Find Edward and Olaf.
04: Fuck them both, but only after you're sure you're 110% clean. Seriously, crazy human dudes need love too and they don't need lycanthrope AIDs or whatever else you may have.
05: All three of you go kill the Mother of All Darkness.
06: After all above steps are complete, tell LKH about it and then insist on her selling the rights to my story to someone who's proven themselves unafraid of writing the following things:

- blood/gore that is not coming from the Doomcrotch, but may still be shown in a sexual manner (ie, someone who reads guro manga or writes in-character fanfiction about Olaf)
- platonic male/female relationships that do not involve any kind of benefits aside from guns (ie, someone who can write the kind of relationship Edward and Anita had without the whole "I would kill you if you weren't damn useful" thing)
- HORROR that deserves to be called scary (ie, someone like Stephen King)
- decent homosexual relationships that don't make me want to shoot myself for being bi.

Step four may be repeated as often as you wish.

[easol.livejournal.com]

"blood/gore that is not coming from the Doomcrotch,"

EWWWWWWWWWW... and sadly, that's the most prominently displayed variety these days...

[shadowbloodwing.livejournal.com]

I know, and it's just...eww. :\

[roguetailkinker.livejournal.com]

1. Kill Olaf.

2. Kill Olaf again, just to make sure it's done properly. Or better yet, get Edward to do it, preferably in a way that's even bloodier and more horrible than what Olaf the psycho-rapist-murderer did to his victims.

3. Apologize to Jean-Claude and Asher for being a selfish cow, and get out of their way.

4. Stop angsting about sex, because it's whiny and irritating. You're not a "good Midwestern girl", I never was and I damn sure am not now, so DEAL WITH IT.

5. Start carrying an ardeur-emergency kit in the car of the week, containing at least four pairs of panties, a twelve-pack of condoms, and a super-economy size pack of baby wipes. Then I can stop whining about lacking any or all of the above.

6. Get it through my head that "feminist" does not mean acting like a stereotypical chauvinist male and looking down my nose at other women, nor does it mean treating my men like dirt.

7. Start getting therapy to realize that kink and homosexuality are not unhealthy or wrong, while being a self-centered control freak IS.

8. Learn some manners. Being rude to everybody doesn't make me seem important, it just makes me seem like an ass.

9. I AM NOT THE BOSS OF EVERYONE ON EARTH. Learn it. Print it out in 24-point letters and paste it on the ceiling over my bed until it is ingrained.

10. Not every bad situation can be handled by sex and/or a gun, so shut up and listen to other people on occasion, because they may just know more about it than I do. This is doubly true in situations involving vampire politics and Jean-Claude.

11. GET RID OF MICAH. Anybody who says they'll do anything I want with no argument is either up to something or has serious mental problems, and either way, cannot be trusted. Send Nathaniel to intensive therapy for the same reason. And if/when Nathaniel comes back from said therapy, send his vanilla-scented ass to live with Asher, because kinky, sexy Asher is better for him than a kink-phobic and homophobic prude.

12. Tell Richard I am not sleeping with him again, ever. Our relationship was toxic from the start, and we need to split up and get therapy. Separate therapy.

13. Either accept that my lovers aren't human and stop trying to make them pretend they are, or have the grace to leave and let them find somebody who will. Addendum: when Asher starts getting all snarky and critical on me, it isn't because he's mean and nasty, it's because I AM and he's the only one with the guts to tell me so (without a psychotic rage). I will learn to accept that and actually listen to him for a change.

[easol.livejournal.com]

"Either accept that my lovers aren't human and stop trying to make them pretend they are..."

Except, of course, when it's personally convenient (You aren't human, so monogamy and democracy are bad! Vampire sex powers are good! Whoops, I don't like that were/vampire thing, so stop doing it).