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[soup-of-the-dog.livejournal.com]

So Laurita's blog of May 2 is an archetypical example of some of our most beloved parts of the LKH blog experience.

1. Too much information
2. Wicca-wank
3. The Foose.

LKH is in italics I am in plain.



Remember the blog last weekend where I made the decision that the Foose was my car, at last?

Unfortunately.

Well, I did my first solo drive. My goal for this week had been to drive the car by myself, and yesterday, I did it!

See the title of this post for my thoughts on these redundant gems.

It was very cool that I did it on Beltane, which is sort of the Wiccan version of Valentine's Day, but not. It's more about fertility than romance, but the two aren't mutual exclusive, as all those babies prove.

Um...what? Seriously what does the the human reproductive ability have to do with YOUR CAR Laurell? Does it make you all hot and sweaty with its bulging muscles molded metal? Does it whisper sexy nothings to you as you abuse it with your appalling shifting? Does it make you ovulate?

Okay I've just squicked myself.

Also, I had a vision of her driving past a pile of babies on the side of the road and motioning to "those babies" as she drove, like a tour guide.
On your left is a mountain of babies, proving that romance is often linked to sex...and coming up on your right...

Beltane is a major holiday for us, and a time for celebrating the return of the sun, the warmth, and life. It's been a long winter, and now we celebrate.

Which is so totally unlike Valentine's Day for us plebs, because VD was made up to sell cards and tchochkeis to the gullible whereas Wicca was not...oh wait, yeah it was.
Okay, I'm being a bitch Wicca is used to sell calendars and books not just knickknacks.

P.S. Laurell I am at a higher latitude than you and the sun totally shone all winter. It was so bright I actually got a sunburn in February. You ain't in Alaska sweet cakes, or even Scotland. (Try wintering in St. Andrews then all this sun worship starts to make sense.)

Well, Jon and I celebrated more traditionally later that night. (It was a kid free evening.) But during the day, I celebrated by driving my car all by myself.

EWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Dear sweet, fuzzy, baby, lop eared lord woman!
NOBODY wants to KNOW that.
It's bad enough that we occasionally speculate about your sex life with Jonboi without you actually putting your foot in it.

Now every time she writes about driving I'm going to have horribly Pavlovian thoughts about her fucking Jon, as if it weren't bad enough when she talks about the Foose.

I drove to the allergist, had a little excitement in the parking lot. Why is parking so challenging in this car? But even with killing the engine a couple of times, I still had made my decision. I was done with work for the day, and I was going to solo.

"I drove to the allergist." This statement ladies and gentlemen sums up everything you ever needed to know about people who buy $30,000 Mustangs. If I ever own a proper sports car and use it to drive to something like the allergist I give anyone who sees me permission to murder me. That's what the bus/bicycle/other car/horse/elephant/whatever is for.

Ditto if after SIX months I am still killing the engine.

"I was going to solo" OH GOD! THE PAVLOVIAN RESPONSE! EWWWWWW!

I drove off to do errands. The Foose is a car that encourages you to find excuses to drive. I'm a little rough going from first to second gear, but I'm smooth the rest of the way up. I muttered under my breath, "Easy off the clutch. Don't stab at it. Give it gas, but not too much." Once I got up to speed, I was able to drive like a sane person and not talk to myself, but any stop light, or sign, was met with a litany of out loud advice to myself. It helps me concentrate.

Again, these sentences tell you EVERYTHING you need to know about people who but $30,000 Mustangs.

I like how she has to lecture herself like she does the rest of us in her blog. It almost make me believe that there is some part of her that is still sane. She has to shout it into submission. I'm actually feeling almost somewhat fond of that hypothetical part of her.

I no longer break into a cold sweat when I see a light turning red. I fear no stop sign. Though a downward slope does still give me pause, if it's behind me. But I'm working on it. The other goal was that next writing group, I drive the Foose. Well, it's tonight, and guess what? The Baby and I are driving.

Okay, all proto-charitable thoughts have now been detonated by this last.

I want to rig Laruell's computer so that every time she ignores a basic grammatical convention, like how you DON'T start sentences with conjunctions, it blows up.

Next plan, if she abuses commas we rig her computer to SPRAY HER IN THE FACE WITH HYDROBROMIC ACID. I selected the weaker mineral acid because she actually used it's correctly.

I'm off to grate the images of a naked Laurell mounting Jon on the hood of the Foose and then masturbating out of my head. Peace all.

Comments

[manekikoneko.livejournal.com]

She goes to a writing group!?! Other people are exposed to her work pre-publication, and it still reaches the page in that state? Who are these people, what kind of group is this? I thought the point of writing groups were to help those involved improve their work.

[graylor.livejournal.com]

Ah, but you forget--Laurell is a published, "big name" writer. She is above critique: she probably attends this group to show the lucky little people how it should be done. Be afraid, be very afraid.

[mizmalice.livejournal.com]

Of course the Foose doesn't make her ovulate. She has too much control for that.

It's such a pity because its a nice car. But now whenever I think Mustang I think about her and sex and Eww.

[easol.livejournal.com]

And because her speshul super-vampirewere powahz will not allow ovulation, for it might actually result in CONSEQUENCES from her orgasmfests...

Wait, mixed her up with Whorenita the SuperSnappySue again.

[graylor.livejournal.com]

She's ruining Mustangs for me... and presumably ruining her own Mustang simultaneously. Poor, abused transmission.

Beltane is like Valentine's Day but not? What? I... I think I should go lay down and try not to think about these things.

I have to use this icon for her. I really do.

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

Okay, I'm not even a pagan and I know that Beltane is NOT like Valentine's Day. I thought that it was about fertility, welcoming the spring so that you'd have a good harvest, and so on...not romance and Twu Wuv.

This is the really special bit, though:

It's more about fertility than romance, but the two aren't mutual exclusive, as all those babies prove.

Riiiiiiiiight. Because fertile people--people who can sire or bear children--MUST be in love. And people who are in love MUST be able to have children, or it's not really love.

Cripes, I usually hear this crap from twelve-year-old Suethors who have been weaned on a diet of Lifetime Original Movies and Harlequin romances.

I have a feeling that she doesn't understand that fertility has to to with the ability to reproduce, rather than the ability to have sex. At least, I hope she doesn't understand.

Well, Jon and I celebrated more traditionally later that night. (It was a kid free evening.)

If you and JonBoi are having sex, I should bloody well HOPE that it's a kid-free evening!

I no longer break into a cold sweat when I see a light turning red. I fear no stop sign.

That needs to be iconed. Picture an armed Sarah Connor glaring at you, and the icon is captioned, "I FEAR NO STOP SIGN."

Though a downward slope does still give me pause, if it's behind me.

A downward slope that's behind her? Wouldn't that be a hill? A hill that she's succeeded in climbing? I'm not getting the reason for pausing. Not at all.

The Baby and I are driving.

The Foose is driving itself. Well, now we know what happened to KITT after Knight Rider got canceled.

My icon appreciates your icon

[evewithanapple.livejournal.com]

There are traditional couple rites celebrated a Beltane- like jumping over fires together- but it's more about fertility than romance. I don't think Wicca really has an official Valentine's equivalent- love is celebrated at every sabbat.

[evewithanapple.livejournal.com]

Beltane is a major holiday for us, and a time for celebrating the return of the sun, the warmth, and life. It's been a long winter, and now we celebrate.

Um, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Imbolc and/or Ostara the traditional spring festival? Beltane takes place in the spring, but it's more focused on fertility than the changing seasons. At least that's the way I've always celebrated it.

[saucyirishlass.livejournal.com]

Ostara occurs on the spring equinox, so it would be the festival to celebrate the season change. Imbolc comes before that, usually celebrated February 2, at the halfway point between the winter solstice and the spring equinox.

[cat-empress.livejournal.com]

Okay, this blog gives me the impression that LKH doesn't actually know how to drive, and probably should be allowed in the car by herself, whatever it is.

"I was going to solo" OH GOD! THE PAVLOVIAN RESPONSE! EWWWWWW!

You're not the only one who reacted that way.

[knowthyself.livejournal.com]

Oh god. I ...I don't even know where to start! Ugh!

[nimnix.livejournal.com]

I didn't get this line either.

There are two kinds of people I can think of that would see driving a 30k car to run errands as a waste. People who can afford a separate car for errands (and to those people, a 30k car is far from special), and people who can do their errands without needing a car.

For the rest of us, that 30K car is the only transportation we have. Los Angeles isn't exactly great for other forms of transportation if you want anything done.

Not sure why I would spend money on a bus, taxi, etc. if I have a car sitting in the garage, but whatever. I don't know the proper etiquette for a car ownership.

[mitrian.livejournal.com]

Um. You fail at history, LKH. And at holidays.

Valentine's Day replaced the old Roman fertility festival of Lupercalia. Instead of loud, happy public celebrations, we now have flowers and candy; chocolate has become our new sacrificial goat. Instead of priests running through the streets flogging women with strips of goatskin, we now have people (usually men) being emotionally flogged for failing to spend enough on candy, gifts, and flowers.

This is an improvement, how? To anyone except the goats, I mean.

Wiki has a fairly good writeup of Lupercalia here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lupercalia).

[saucyirishlass.livejournal.com]

Hallelujah, someone mentioned Lupercalia!

*is a complete Latin geek*

[saucyirishlass.livejournal.com]

Okay, Beltane corresponds with Walpurgisnacht, not Valentine's Day.

[alex-lebeau.livejournal.com]

Okay, Beltane corresponds with Walpurgisnacht, not Valentine's Day.

And now, I'm having flashbacks to "Bible Black," which is never a good thing when one is talking about LKH.

[brandiweed.livejournal.com]

Well, Jon and I celebrated more traditionally later that night.

As in "Hurray, hurray, the first of May/Outdoor fucking starts today"?

[saucyirishlass.livejournal.com]

I'd spork my eyes out if I weren't giggling at your mad rhyming skills. :p

[morriganscrow.livejournal.com]

Um...what? Seriously what does the the human reproductive ability have to do with YOUR CAR Laurell? Does it make you all hot and sweaty with its bulging muscles molded metal? Does it whisper sexy nothings to you as you abuse it with your appalling shifting? Does it make you ovulate?
Okay I've just squicked myself.
I totally empathize, as I had just that experience whilst flogging a recent Foose-based blog.

The other goal was that next writing group,
She refers to them as "The Alternate Historians", and usually mentions them in the foreword in each book. Sharon Shinn (http://www.fantasticfiction.co.uk/s/sharon-shinn/) is one.

I'm off to grate the images of a naked Laurell mounting Jon on the hood of the Foose and then masturbating out of my head.
As a favor, next time you get such an image, PLEASE DON'T FEEL COMPELLED TO SHARE IT WITH THE REST OF US!! K? Thnxbai.

[soup-of-the-dog.livejournal.com]

I thought misery loves company, right? (Kidding, sorry about that mental image. It was late. I was in pain and not thinking straight.)

[teanni.livejournal.com]

That just makes me hope LKH has an ATMOS in her foose like they had on Doctor Who the other night *snickers evilly* Gee, how bloody hard can it be to drive a stick shift car?? Us Europeans do it all the time without developing a full-on neurosis...Just get a grip!

On a second thought, do I really want to have that much information on her private life? No, thanks. Next time her blog's going to be about how she drove her car to the supermarket to purchase an apple there...*roles eyes*

[jerel.livejournal.com]

ATMOS wins. I volunteer to install one for her. :)

Now, to someone who has never driven stick (like myself), the idea is a bit nervous-making. It sounds complicated and we don't want to break the car. However, it's not something one should be afraid of.

[red-rose-remix.livejournal.com]

Does it make you ovulate?

Okay I've just squicked myself.


*cracks up*

Same to that closing sentence. God. Way to make it sound like something you'd see on Animal Planet. "Mounting." *cringe*

[drho.livejournal.com]

In sum: "Mommy wow! I'm a big kid now."

Why does she think it's impressive that she's such a deficient driver?

[bad-habit.livejournal.com]

LKH is in italics I am in plain.

I always, always read that as:

LKH is in italics I am in pain.

Always. And it makes sense. It took me a while to realise that wasn't actually written down since I didn't check on the account of the sentence making perfect sense.

[jeza-red.livejournal.com]

"'m a little rough going from first to second gear, but I'm smooth the rest of the way up. I muttered under my breath, "Easy off the clutch. Don't stab at it. Give it gas, but not too much."

Like... from the first to the second gear? Problems here??? That's the easiest one!! What's with the shifting from the second to third? Or fourth to fifth?? And, God forbid, back from fifth to - say - third??? (rarely, but it happens)

I just can't get it.

[icecreamempress.livejournal.com]

Actually, 1st to 2nd is sticky on some cars. I have not driven one of these, but I have encountered other cars that are sticky there.

[rin-x-x.livejournal.com]

Now see, most people tend to go through the nervousness of driving a car, kind of like that. However, we usually limit our stressing to one post, or maybe one paragraph in a blog.

We don't make endless blogs on the same subject and never really making much progress despite our complaining. Kind of like her books.

[gwynethfar.livejournal.com]

I don't understand people who buy cars they cannot handle (manual vs. automatic, cars that are too big/wide etc.). This goes for everyone, not just LKH. If you don't know how to drive a manual transmission, don't buy the car until you learn. Otherwise, you might as well just buy the car, rip the transmission out and throw it directly into a dumpster.

[easol.livejournal.com]

And if you can't drive the damn thing out of a parking lot without causing a traffic jam then FRICKING DON'T BUY SUCH AN ICEBERG!

Sorry, little bit of bitterness there.

[wyrdmuse.livejournal.com]

She belongs to the Wicca tradition of $ilver RavenFluff, doesn't she?

[virtualmorrigan.livejournal.com]

now, now, that's just mean to Silver RavenWolf.

LKH would never belong to ANY tradition - she makes, nay, she IS the tradition.
I'm tempted to refer to it as "The Path of the Brainless Egocentric."

Hell, with all her Merry Gentry "research" she still confuses Beltane with Valentine's Day?
*headdesk*

[virtualmorrigan.livejournal.com]

>LKH is in italics I am in plain.

You know, I read that as "LKH is in italics I am in pain" and my first thought was "you and the rest of us".
Sigh. I need caffeine, obviously.

[watersheerie.livejournal.com]

I get the feeling that actual Wiccans cringe everytime LKH has to show off her uber darkity wicca'ness. I don't know that much about the whole Wicca religion, but I'm pretty sure that Beltane isn't a Wicca-Valentine, anymore then Hanakauh (did I spell it right?) is a Jewish Christmas.

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

LKH reminds me of the witch spouting drivel in this comic:

The Something Positive Witchcraft Strip (http://somethingpositive.net/sp04242002.shtml)

Where's Davan when you need him??

[amamelina.livejournal.com]

I think the ranty guy should also mention that no one was burned at the stake in Salem. Of the (what?) 13ish people killed, all but one were hung. The one not hung was a man (named Giles, I think) who was pressed by stones.

Heee, so much love for that strip.

[morriganscrow.livejournal.com]

I can't speak for other Pagans, but as an ex-Wiccan, current Celtic Shaman, cringing is the least of my responses to her blathering on about the Festivals. (http://www.healinghappens.com/wheel.htm)

keeping count

[graesea.livejournal.com]

I've seen counters on various sites that keep track of visitors - wouldn't it be great to have a counter on LKH's site that automatically kept track of words spelled incorrectly, comma and other punctuation abuse, and dismal sentance structure.

It's not going to happen, but it's a pretty daydream.