How can this not be flogged yet?

[aine-de-danann.livejournal.com]

I’ve been patiently waiting for someone to find and flog this bad boy, but no one has. Alas, I know I am not as funny as most of you, but shall valiantly attempt to find some humor for this, my first attempt at blogflogging.

Rennansaince Faire 

Edit 'cause the text was huge :)

 

This weekend is one of our anniversaries. Jon and I celebrate three. Yeah, yeah, I know I'm such a romantic.

 

Aren’t you jealous, haterz? You losers only get ONE anniversary, fanboi and I get THREE!

 

 

I have Jon's present in the present closet. Once he gets it, today, I'll blog about it later, but I've managed to keep it a surprise from him, and he does look at the blog, so you guys have to wait.

 

A present closet? Really. Phew, it is a good thing you didn’t spoil the surprise on your blog because he might have read it and goodness knows he’d never think to look in the present closet. She then decided her present would be going to the Ren Faire, which they missed last year:

 

My ex and I are very cooperative with each other, and we still have to trade around to hit everything we both want to do with Trin. So, last year, I waited and waited, and none of us got to go to the faire.

 

If you are so cooperative and are able to trade around, why didn’t you do it instead of waiting and waiting? Victim much? Oh woe, I shall wait and wait and hopefully my Prince Charming will make all the arrangements so I can go to the Ren Faire.

 

 

Charles is still on vacation. See, as soon as I start to think there is something really wrong with her and it would be sad to continue to mock, a la Brittney, she says something like this. I am such a little celebrity compared to some, that my own problems make me wonder how the heck Angelina Joelie and Brad Pitt go anywhere.   Although she can’t be bothered to know how Jolie is spelled, she at least has enough brain cells between her ears to know she is such a little celebrity. 

If I couldn't take a few insults, well, let's just say that I now have a polite speech for when fans call me, and or, my character, a whore, to our faces. You think I'm kidding? I wish.

You know what I wish? I wish I was there when a) someone actually recognized you and b) was able to watch that person call you (the royal you, apparently) a whore right to your face. Honestly, I would pay money to see that.

 

 

Charles tells her to take precautions to not look like herself. I won't tell you what those precautions are, because if I tell you my "Stealth Laurell" disguise, it might cease to work.

Creeping back up to the edge of Loonytown, population: Laurell.

Yes, we knew there were tickets waiting for us at the gate, but we paid, and didn't mention it. Why? Because, if you're trying not to be noticed, then taking the tickets waiting under your name, can defeat the purpose. So, sub-rosa, in we went.

OK, who made arrangements to have tickets waiting for you at the gate? I would think this would have been done at YOUR direction, Laurell. Why have tickets waiting at the gate FOR YOURSELF and then not pick them up? And who is going to notice you besides the person who hands you the tickets? 

At the Ren Faire:
Booth Attendant: OMG! LKH just picked up tickets! Quick! To the loud speakers. “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am soooo excited! Squeee! LKH just entered the Ren Faire. She is so freeking hawt!”

 

Let me thank, now, the handful people who recognized me, and or, Jon and me, and when I asked, you did not out me.

 

Guess your super stealth Laurell disguise ain’t so great, huh?  And you’ve been shopping at Larry’s Discount Commas again, haven’t you?

 

But, I did keep an eye on where the police were, as they walked by here and there. My world has forever been changed by my success. Most of it is very good, but not all of it.

 I bet she always sits with her back to the wall and facing the door, using all that valuable paramilitary expertise to keep herself out of trouble.  Don't foget the red-stripped black van is parked right out front.

 

We bought more winged stuffed toys at Bast's Garden. Sorry, that I didn't introduce myself again this year, but without Charles along, I just didn't feel confident enough.

 

Are you afraid of the attention or afraid that you’d introduce yourself and they wouldn’t have any idea who the hell you are? 

 

I meant to write about how much I loved the Renn Faire, and how much fun Jon and I had. We bought pointy things. We both love swords.

 

We both love swords.   Hahahaha.  Too much snarkage…head might explode.

Comments

[glitterglass.livejournal.com]

But, I did keep an eye on where the police were, as they walked by here and there.

is she fucking kidding?

[bludflower.livejournal.com]

Oh, and I'm sure she believes they were there totally on her account too. She was pobably pretending they were wererats.

[karmyn75.livejournal.com]

Why do I read about them liking pointy things and my brain goes immediatly to "strap on sex"? I hate that.
Share my pain.

[brandiweed.livejournal.com]

Your comment made my brain go to that scene in Se7en. Thanks ever so fucking much.

[dreamstrifer.livejournal.com]

Dear Laurell,

For the love of freaking GOD, if you're that into Renaissance Faires, FUCKING LEARN TO SPELL RENAISSANCE!

Also, get over yourself. You're delusions of grandeur mixing with your paranoia? Just toss some schizophrenic in there and call it a night.

Very much no love,

Me

[easol.livejournal.com]

So, is she supposedly keeping an eye on the police because there are all those negative haterz with their logic and correct spelling, or because she's afraid she'll be mobbed and crushed by all the adoring squeeing fans?

"Rennansaince Faire"

Oh. Lord.

"My ex and I are very cooperative with each other, and we still have to trade around to hit everything we both want to do with Trin."

Yeeeaaaaaahhhh that must be why you took an implied potshot at him. Again. "Waaaaaaahhhh my ex kept me from going to the Rennanscainiance Faaaaaiiirrrreeeee..."

"I am such a little celebrity compared to some, that my own problems make me wonder how the heck Angelina Joelie and Brad Pitt go anywhere."

Well, for starters, they don't inflate everything into a secret agent infiltration.

(And does anyone else suspect that she longs for Pitt to resume his "Louis" look, with the long-hair, fangs and pretty clothes?)

"because if I tell you my "Stealth Laurell" disguise, it might cease to work."

Let me guess -- a bondage-wench costume with leather mini, heely boots, ginormous cleavage and maybe a big oak staff. (For phallic symbolism) Maybe some of that chain mail lingerie they sell.

"Yes, we knew there were tickets waiting for us at the gate, but we paid, and didn't mention it. Why? Because, if you're trying not to be noticed, then taking the tickets waiting under your name, can defeat the purpose."

Is she saying that she bought two sets of tickets to protect teh privycy? Or did she come up all SNEAK SNEAK SNEAK and silently take the tickets after whispering her name to the sellers?

Not that it matters -- the people who sell, hold or receive the tickets don't give a damn who you are, because it doesn't take long for them to go on automatic. It would take someone of the fame of Angelina "Joelie" to make them snap out of their trance.

Snarker: "Don't foget the red-stripped black van is parked right out front."

And the ninjas are keeping an eye on all potential haterz!

"We bought pointy things. We both love swords."

Is she trying to make us snark her? I have enough trouble not snickering if someone normal (IE no fantasy sex scenes) says that phrase.

[dreamstrifer.livejournal.com]

Apparently the Renananndcssanaiance Faires are different from the Renaissance Faires the rest of us know. Because at the Rennaainassanceiance Faires everyone knows who Laurell K. Hamilton is and will mob her and demand to know where they can get a Jean-Claude of their own. Plus at these Renasassassanacie Faires people will walk up to her and call her a whore. But only because Charles isn't there and the ticket taker people will recognize her and tell everyone.

*headdesk* Remind me never to go to that Renaslkdansakd;fjalkesjr Faire.

[kisstheground.livejournal.com]

He estimated the threat level as low

*chokes, sputters, dies*

[easol.livejournal.com]

Ye gods, what does that mean? Did he prowl through the Renfaire, growling questions about bestselling authors at innocent pedestrians?

[bleedtoblue.livejournal.com]

That was quite amusing...I despair when I read the flogs. That woman....*is stunned*

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

All she had to do was call it a Ren Faire. R-E-N. Not that hard to spell.

[easol.livejournal.com]

"I generally don't go to events where I've gotten recognized, and, or, had "problems" in the past without security."

Laurell, I am not a bestseller. I am an online reviewer, I've had to deal with online weirdos, and even someone as unfamous as I HAVE gotten recognized at the Renfaire (by the incomparable Eleanor Herman, read her books). It doesn't mean that I get all paranoid and weird.

[deadsong.livejournal.com]

~gapes~ Getting recognized in public is not that traumatic, Laurell. I used to run a weekly "my life, snarked"-style comic that only saw traffic because it was hosted on a fairly large professional blog network, and I've had one or two local people recognize me based on drawings (not that hard; how many dark-skinned guys are running around this city wearing pink rimless sunglasses, really?) They say "Oh, hey...wait, don't you draw that comic, um...what's it called?" "No Style? Yeah, I do. How'd you know?" "The sunglasses, man. Hey, it's pretty funny. Your articles are okay, too." "Thanks." And then it's over. I'm left surprised and blushing a little, they move on and forget five minutes later that they just met a small-time writer and artist in the grocery store. I also get it every once in a while when I'm invited to speak at certain topic-specific conventions related to my job, or invited to attend. I introduce myself by name, I get, "Oh, wait--I know you! You work for _____, I've read some of your articles!" I say yes, laugh and shrug it off, we talk shop for a bit about industry news, and part ways. I doubt many of her encounters are very different from that. "Hey, I like your books." Say thank you and let your fans move on with their lives and forget they ever met you, Laurell. I doubt they really want to stick around to talk after you say "Thanks."

[easol.livejournal.com]

"If I couldn't take a few insults, well, let's just say that I now have a polite speech for when fans call me, and or, my character, a whore, to our faces."

The commas, are as always, in LKH blogs, horribly, overused.

Anyone else laughing into their cereal milk here? I can just imagine some person announcing as civilly as possible that they no longer like the series because LKH turned Anita into a whore, and LKH staggering back and having to be revived with smelling salts.

And perchance, if someone DOES call Anita a whore, what is her speshul security force gonna do? Beat them up? "She started it, officer! She called my Sue a MEAN NAME WAAAAAHHHHHHH..."

"You think I'm kidding? I wish."

No no, I WISH you were kidding.

"Any of you that asked me, "Do you write?" I answered honestly. I also answered truthfully, to, "Aren't you . . ."

And that would be basically confined to a few who probably already went to her signings, or were in a B&N or Borders when Teh Gawth Queen swept in.

"I didn't want to have to worry about what I bought, or how I looked being on the internet before I even got home."

... because she is just SO FAMOUS that people are going to creep around spying on her as she buys faux-medieval trinkets, snapping photographs on their cell phones and frantically uploading to their blogs. "OMG like look this is LAURELL K HAMILTON whozz like the coolest author in the world and she's buying a big wizard's staff with a knob on the end..."

"We saw a show."

Don't tell us about it or anything. Can't take the attention away from its rightful owner.

"We bought jewelery. Ooh, shiny."

Jewelry usually is. I'm sure we'll either see it on JC or Merry.

"I bought a leather top/vest thingie, and finally found some leather and metal bracers that actually fit my forearms."

Same here. Is JC going to develop a medieval fetish?

"We also bought cloaks, because it was cold."

That is why normal people bring a sweater, dumbass. Or does she need Charles to go around testing the air, cause poor little Laurell can't tell when to dress warmly on her own?

"I actually asked my friend, and current policeman, Shawn, to come down and escort us, but he had to work this weekend."

How very inconvenient! Imagine, he has to work as a policeman hunting criminals and upholding the law, when his services are needed to babysit a middle-aged Gawth Queen at the Renfaire.

"But, you know what, I've got to be braver. I've got to stop being afraid of the attention."

Does this mean that Anita will be able to take a shit without an entourage of bodyguards lowering her onto the pot?

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

Apparently she needs someone to tell her it's cold. Remember when she crashed a wedding, didn't bring a jacket and Charles had to be all manly and give her his?

[daphne-gateau.livejournal.com]

This weekend is one of our anniversaries. Jon and I celebrate three. Yeah, yeah, I know I'm such a romantic.

Hm. 'Romantic' isn't the word I would use.

goodness knows he’d never think to look in the present closet

LMAO win!

Let me thank, now, the handful people who recognized me, and or, Jon and me, and when I asked, you did not out me.

Don't understand why she didn't just buy tickets at the door instead of 'alerting' everyone she was coming that day by having tickets set aside. I LOL so hard because again Laurel demonstrates her complete inability to be secretive. She's supposedly writing these well-researched, dangerous characters that are smooth and sneaky and yet she can't even manage to sneak books on an airplane (from previous blog) or sneak herself into a busy public place where most people are already in some form of costume. Wtf.

They didn't 'out' her. *snicker* Hey, you are in a public place (not a bookstore, not a con) and see Laurell K Hamilton. You tell a random person walking by... Most likely response: "Laurell who??" Am I wrong? I don't think she's quite as 'famous' outside of her little corner of fandom as she thinks.

[dreamstrifer.livejournal.com]

She's not as famous as she thinks she is. My boyfriend, who is incredibly well read, has no idea who she is. And he reads trashy fantasy and sci fi all the time, so he's cruised the bookstore aisles where her books are located.

[bubblefaerie.livejournal.com]

Are you afraid of the attention or afraid that you’d introduce yourself and they wouldn’t have any idea who the hell you are?

She probably is afraid no one knows who she is. It's probably worse for someone to say "Laurell K. Hamilton? Sorry, never heard of you." than for someone to call her/Anita a whore in public.

[sharkbytes.livejournal.com]

Ok, while I don't think it's insane to have a bodyguard if you feel unsafe, I really have to question why Laurell feels her safety rates an orange on the terror color chart. I see celebrities in New York everyday that walk around with no disguise but sunglasses. I think she really does have this whole fantasy mapped out where she's Anitathe dramatic heroine who needs constant protection and surveillance from one of her posse.

For some reason, I see Jon and Charles as two little soldier-of-fortune wannabes that run around in camouflage, pelting each other with paintballs and using walkie-talkies. With those two as the crack-team of Security, I expect there to be quite a few failed missions, lol.

[easol.livejournal.com]

Which is finally coming out on DVD in America, thank God.

We now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

[gwynethfar.livejournal.com]

For Christ's sake, Laurel, you are NOT Elvis. No one is going to recognize you.

[darkese.livejournal.com]

"Let me thank, now, the handful people who recognized me, and or, Jon and me, and when I asked, you did not out me."

How many times can she say 'me' in a sentence? No really, enough about me. What do you think of me?

"If I couldn't take a few insults, well, let's just say that I now have a polite speech for when fans call me, and or, my character, a whore, to our faces."

Charles' job is sticking his fingers into LKH's ears. It's the taunts he protects her from! Oh, and being recognized. Hand over her eyes.

[amamelina.livejournal.com]

Oh, and being recognized. Hand over her eyes.

You can't see me. I'm invisable! Lalala!

[amamelina.livejournal.com]

OMG, I did not need to read this. That woman is all colors of crazy.

1. Why buy two sets of tickets? That is a waste of money. If you have them set aside, pick them up! If you don't want them under your name, either put them under hubby's name (if by credit card) or pay cash! My God, it's not that hard! My poor wallet weeps at the thought of being that idiotic with money.

2. I laughed at her comment about people calling her a whore. For starters, i doubt that someone just walks up to her in public and goes, "you whore". The conversation is probably something like, "I stopped reading your books because I feel that Anita has become a whore", which we all know translates to, "Bad LKH! You whore. You dirty whore! How dare you sleep with all those men! I'm so jealous!"

3. You are not so big a celebrity that going to the Ren faire will cause you to be mobbed. The "Stealth Laurell" outfit isn't necesarry. Especially if its the same one you wear year after year after year! Trust me, even in a wig, I'm recognized at my local faire because they know my nifty corset (and I refuse to wear anything different). I'm not a celebraty, but if I go someplace often enough, I'm recognized. Even if I skip a year. So, "Stealth Laurell" is just stupid.

4. The dig at her ex was uncalled for. For starters, she was implying that she wanted to take Trin to the Ren faire. Notice, she didn't take her this time, thus making her first claim a load of codswallop. She could have gone with Jonboi last year without Trin when Gary had her. No one was stopping her. She didn't go last year and needed an excuse. I doubt Gary was plotting to keep her from her corseted fun and wenchy goodness. I highly doubt he's going, "curses, foiled this year". She's a grown up. She can get her behind in the car and drive to the faire on her own. Heck, I do it. I've even gone to faires in other states (despite my fear of social settings).

Forget calling her a whore. If I ever met her, I'd be tempted to shake her and ask her what in blue blazes is wrong with her!

[easol.livejournal.com]

" Heck, I do it. I've even gone to faires in other states (despite my fear of social settings)."

Same here, every year, despite my fear of sunburn, overspending, overheating and Robin Hood hats.

[quizzicalsphinx.livejournal.com]

Again, Laurell has reduced me to flinging my vast vocabulary to the wind and fall back upon stammering OMG YOU SILLY TWAT YOU BLOG LIKE A FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Does she introducer herself to everyone she meets as Laurell K. Hamilton? I mean there's nothing wrong with just Laurell.

[easol.livejournal.com]

"Pleasure to meet you. I'm Laurell K. Hamilton, bestselling inventor of the urban fantasy genre and the first writer to ever have a tough female character."

[kd-lalala.livejournal.com]

I'm glad I read her blog, I really am. "Lawks," said I, "if she gets mobbed so much then NO ONE is safe!"

So the next time I went out, I wore a hat. My "stealth KD" outfit. And I'm proud to announce that no one recognized me at all! Thank you, Laurell!

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

I bet her stealth Laurell and Jon costume was to braid their hair aka Nathanial.

[ex-naomi-ja.livejournal.com]

But, I did keep an eye on where the police were, as they walked by here and there. My world has forever been changed by my success

Were these the Melodrama Squad, by any chance? Out to save innocent Ren-Fair goers from the Ego that Crushed St Louis?

[dreamstrifer.livejournal.com]

The biggest irony about it is that most of the folks I know in and around St. Louis have absolutely no idea who the hag is. And most of the folks i know are into urban fantasy/vampires, etc.!

[cicipsychobunny.livejournal.com]

$5 of whatever currency's strongest says that "calls me or Anita a whore to my face" = "I get a bit uncomfortable at how much your blog is about your sex life, and the lack of plot in the last few Anita books bothers me." Make it $10.

[aine-de-danann.livejournal.com]

Not taking that bet. I agree as it seems as she has both selective hearing and selective understanding. Selective in that it allows her to somehow be the most awesomest at everything (you jealous haterz) and be a victim at the same time.

American Heritage Dictionary -
whore (hôr, hōr)
n.
A prostitute.
A person considered sexually promiscuous.
A person considered as having compromised principles for personal gain.

Too bad she probably wont make it to the Ren Faire around here. If any of you go to NoCal this fall, I'll be the one wearing the t-shirt that says:
Dear LKH,
Anita IS a whore.
Sincerely, Me.

[nicbemused.livejournal.com]

You know, I used to work with certified violent crazy kids in a place relatively near my parents' house. Yet somehow I am not afraid to go to the grocery store for my mom if I am visiting despite having been threatened repeatedly by above mentioned crazy kids who have at this point grown in to no doubt crazy adults and been released from the system.

Laurell, darling, in the real world people sometimes insult you and most of us don't need a bodyguard despite that.

[mizmalice.livejournal.com]

Guys, she isn't keeping an eye on the police for her own safety. There's an arrest warrant for her crimes against grammar, spelling and good taste.

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

I can imagine people stopping LKH (if they recognized her that is) and asking questions. Come on-the woman blogs about doing kissing research, erotic candle massages, being a good dom, going to clubs where wax landed on her... have I missed anything? If she doesn't want the questions STOP BLOGGING ABOUT IT.

Seriously LKH is like Britney 2007. She does crazy things to garner attention all the while saying "please stop" in a wispy sad voice. Can we get Jamie Spears to take custody of LKH next?