Blood Noir: Chapter One...Vanilla Sex Oh Noes!

[watersheerie.livejournal.com]

So I finally got around to renting Blood Noir from the library. And it is an utter agony to read. 56 chapters of angst and bad sex, I don’t know if I can survive this. Anywho, I’d like to post my thoughts/disgust of the book, just to keep my sanity, and partially for laughs as well. I know we’ve been through this book a billion times, but I seriously need something to keep my mind safe while I read this tripe. Also, I know I tend to be long-winded at times when simplicity would be best, so please be kind...I’m trying...it’s just so hard.

 

 

So at any rate, we’ve all been through the first chapters of Bloody Bore many many times. A couple things have caught my mind. I’ve always considered the first chapter of a book to be of high importance, as this is the first thing people will look at when considering to buy/read a book, (although I know a couple people who read the last chapter to see if a book is good). The first chapter, and the first paragraph of the chapter should capture the reader and lead into the book. LKH instead gives us a chapter of info-dumping and getting back at the ‘mean prudes.’

 

We start out with Whornita talking about the men in her life, Jason and Nathaniel. There is a brief note about how they now shape-shift on stage when stripping, and how super awesome that is. Considering that LKH has her shifters change shape in an explosion of goop and ‘thicker things’, I don’t see the attraction. Perhaps they rope off a section of the chairs closest to the stage with a sign that says ‘Splash Zone’, just like at Sea World. Though I rather be drenched with water from a jumping dolphin, then hit with a wave of warm goop that has the consistency of snot, not to mention the ‘thicker things’ of bits of flesh and ‘meat’. But hey, that’s just me; I can’t imagine how hard it would be to get shifter’goo out of your clothes.

 

Then we get the typical paragraphs of how beautiful Nathaniel is. He is not allowed to  put lavender on his driver’s license, oh the sorrow. I’m pretty sure that LKH considers this to be a clever way to tell readers for the billionth time what color Nathaniel’s eyes are. LKH also begins with the ‘mean prude’ bashing. Snarkers have pointed out how disturbing it is that Whornita dates a man that is constantly described as being ‘childlike’ in both looks and actions. LKH addresses the issue by saying that Nathaniel is jailbait no more (sounds like a country song). It’s almost ironic, in one sentence she admits that Whornita dated and fucked a guy that looked like jailbait, but it doesn’t matter since his shoulders have filled out. Classic LKH.

 

LKH doesn’t stop there, there is more of the ‘mean prude’ bashing. Mostly written as inner dialogue of Whornita as she talks about how ‘they’ are jealous. Very subtle ::eye roll::. I know what we’re all thinking. It’s the first chapter, and so far all we’ve dealt with have been paragraphs of descriptions and LKH yelling at us. Where’s the plot? It’s almost like looking for Waldo, but not as fun.

 

Jason finally introduces some sort of ‘plot’ (and I use the word loosely) to the book. He is no longer dating Perdy, who in keeping with the Anitaverse laws has turned into a psycho bitch so that Whornita has no competition. Of course while Whornita can see that Jason is hurting, and tries to help, she eventually turns the conversation back to her and her harem of boys to angst for a bit. Making Jason apologize to her...because she is acting like a bitch. Logic, who needs it! We find out that Jason’s dad is dying from cancer, very sad. But tragically such a thing does not compare to the grand horror of...Vanilla Sex!

 

My eyes widened. “Oh Jason, I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” I hugged him tighter.

He moved back so he could see my face. “With all the bad news I’ve had today, and you look that stricken that my girlfriend would only do standard bed sex?”

 

Thank you Jason...but of course the logic he brings to the book does not last, and LKH adds some bullshit about vanilla sex killing the soul. I have to point out that this was the most offensive part of the chapter for a reason that any sane person can see.

 

Cancer is very prevalent, up there with heart disease in terms of death. With that in mind it’s safe to say that there are many people in the world, within this very site, who have had someone close to them diagnosed with cancer. There are probably people who have lost a family member or close friend to cancer. There are people who are familiar with the way you can watch someone you love slowly waste away from cancer. Yet LKH essentially tells everyone that losing a loved one, a parent to cancer is nothing compared to having sex in a bed.

 

Add to the fact that this is Jason's father. I lost my grandfather last year to cancer, as familiar as I am with this particular tragedy, I can’t imagine what it would be like to watch my mother or father die from cancer. Sadly, LKH/Whornita can. Both have lost their mothers, yet find it difficult to relate with Jason’s dad dying. He may hate his dad, but that only adds to the trauma. The only thing LKH/Whornita can relate to, is the agony of forced vanilla sex. Which shows us how much the character of Anita has deteriorated, a facet of her character is missing, or rather has been shoved aside to make room for all the sex. It’s difficult to believe that there are people in the world this dense, but this is LKH/Whornita we are talking about.

 

The chapter ends with them about to have sex. As LKH has stereotyped all men as being unable to talk about or express their feelings, and thusly can only communicate their pain in sex. I could almost believe this if I didn’t already know that the sex will change nothing, and there are still chapters awaiting us of Jason-angst. However the chapter end has potential. It ends with us all knowing that they are going to have sex. Now if the next chapter began with them already done with the sex, it would just be great. Unfortunately LKH is not going to follow reason, and I pity any new reader who picked up this book expecting Anita to do some vampire hunting.

Comments

[misora.livejournal.com]

There are probably people who have lost a family member or close friend to cancer. There are people who are familiar with the way you can watch someone you love slowly waste away from cancer. Yet LKH essentially tells everyone that losing a loved one, a parent to cancer is nothing compared to having [vanilla] sex in a bed.

This is why I can't stand this woman or the crap she writes. She's preaching these fucked-up messages through her books, and it makes me ill.

I don't even know why I let it bother me, except for the fact that she's still selling this drivel. Slightly OT, does anyone happen to know her recent booksales, and if they've declined at all?

[watersheerie.livejournal.com]

I know on Amazon.com her latest crime against literature is averaging about 2 1/2 stars, with over 200 reviews talking about how bad it was. People are saying that many of her books are being returned, so her making the NYT bestseller list doesn't mean shit when no one is keeping the book after they buy it.

She also has the gall to claim that her books are about a strong postive woman message and all that jazz. I've been searching the books and have yet to see this...it must be subliminal...like really subliminal to the point of nonexistance.

[duchym.livejournal.com]

Her whole attitude - vanilla sex being worse than having a parent dying of cancer - makes me throw up in my mouth.

Vanilla sex is nothing. My father had cancer, and it still husrt so much I still cannot talk about it at any length.

Hamilton is literally crazy if she actually thinks like that.

[apis-mellifera.livejournal.com]

The part where Anita claimed that everyone was just jealous made me roll my eyes so hard that they got stuck. And proceeded to stay stuck until I started to skim instead of read. (I made it about 100 pages before I started skimming.)

[watersheerie.livejournal.com]

That jealous bit was just gold on LKH's part...really, it's almost better then the negative readers blog. I can only imagine a new reader the series reading the first chapter and wondering who 'they' are...

[jeza-red.livejournal.com]

"My eyes widened. “Oh Jason, I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” I hugged him tighter. " - This part made me laugh so hard and so long... until i realized that no, this is not a jokeO_o She IS fu**ing SERIOUS!!

Sex on the bed is worse than cancer?! Let me slap her...


I still can't belive THIS crap is being published! I have at least two friends who write better stuff - with a plot, really nice characters, superb grammar - and she's getting paid for this shit? Right now I'm going on fanfiction.net and choosing whatever story with my eyes closed and I'm sure I'll find something way better after third hit-__-

[deadroman.livejournal.com]

I haven't read Blood Noir, just the first few pages that you're allowed to peek into on Amazon.

I remember the first paragraph, and the issue with Nathaniel's lavender eyes. Oh noes! He isn't allowed to put "lavender" or "purple" for his eye colour on his driver's license! He is forced to put BLUE! What a common colour! What an injustice! I bet LKH thought she was so clever and witty for putting in that little scenario. *gag*

And rofl, it is pretty darn funny to imagine Jason and Nathaniel shifting into beasts in the middle of a strip tease and splattering the squealing, money-hurling guests. AAAA You know what I see in my mind?!?! I see that scene from Pirates of the Caribbean II, when Jack is confronted with the Kraken and he gets covered in greenish slobber and "thicker things". XD So sexy.

And yes -- LKH loves to play with tragedy, just because she thinks it makes her characters special, deep, in need of sexual healing. I have to admit, I like characters with intriguing pasts, especially those kinds of characters who have managed to overcome their internal struggles. They're admirable.
BUT LKH!! Argh!
It is SUCH an unbearable asinine desire of some women to pick tragic and troubled men and hope to change them, rescue them from their demons. LKH/Anita is just that type of woman. Plus, her magical power to heal wounded needy men, to change people with a spread of her legs, is another glaring quality of a Mary Sue. x.x

[watersheerie.livejournal.com]

I can feel for Nathaniel and the grand injustice he must endure. I have blue/grey eyes, but alas they put down 'blue' on my license. Now everyone that looks at my driver license will think that I have blue eyes, instead of the blue grey of an early morning sky, heavy with storms along the horizon. Billowing out across the rising sun and spilling over in an orgasmic rush of rain...rain that brings life to the ground, life to the dry dust...and sex...

It's just so hard to deal with something like that. I just...the pain, the horror, the overwhelming sorrow that engulfs me everytime I look at my driver license. I know Nathaniel's pain ::incoherent sobbing::.

It really was clever on LKH's part. Not only did she get to tell us that Nathaniel's eyes are lavender...again, but she managed to draw it out into about two paragraphs. A sentence's worth of info at the most bloated into two paragraphs. Such skill, such mastery of writing, such uttter and complete bullshit.

[easol.livejournal.com]

*snerk* Yeah, now that you mention it, the snot-and-"thicker-things" scene does sound an awful lot like that scene. Cept there wasn't meant to be any sexiness with the kraken.1

Now, I could imagine people being fascinated by such a change if it was like in the Dresden Files, where the Alphas simply change from human to wolf smoothly (At least I don't remember any goo). But people are funny about body fluids and gross things -- I imagine a whole horde of horny women suddenly doing the "poo on my hands" scene from "Death at a Funeral."

[kerame.livejournal.com]

It is SUCH an unbearable asinine desire of some women to pick tragic and troubled men and hope to change them, rescue them from their demons. LKH/Anita is just that type of woman.

I think LKH/Anita picks tragic and troubled men because they're easier to control. A man would have to be inured to abuse in order to put up with her crap. The men she really changes are the ones who started out relatively healthy. She makes sure to break them before she beds them.

[quizzicalsphinx.livejournal.com]

It would be like being front-row at a Gallagher show. The management would keep a roll of clear plastic sheeting under the seats.

[gillywoo.livejournal.com]

I am so glad i didn't get this book, I stopped reading maneater blake at Danse macabre, there was only so many times I could read the line "can't rape the willing" without wanting to scratch my eyes out with rusty vegetable peelers (S&M SEX with wereleopardz anyone...)

It's a shame because I loved the earlier novels, now it's just Mary sue saves the world and shags all these really ridiculous sounding men, becasue she is like TEH HAWT and shit. :(


Anyway - I'm new to this community so HI and I love your work! :)

[roguetailkinker.livejournal.com]

there was only so many times I could read the line "can't rape the willing" without wanting to scratch my eyes out with rusty vegetable peelers

YES! Thank you! It's so nice to know I am not alone in mortal hatred of that line.

[longtail.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I really want to watch a gorgeous man spilling snot and flesh out his pores as he disfigures and painfully twists into half-animal monster that is a highly contagious and dangerous disease carrier.

I'm so turned on at the thought. Really. Whoo. Here's a dollar bill.

[jeza-red.livejournal.com]

*gives you back 75c* Here's your change^^

[artemis-rex.livejournal.com]

You really think that would DRIVE PEOPLE AWAY, instead of attract them. I mean, what if you could get lycoanthropy from that goo?

The attitudes of people toward AIDS -- which I think lycoanthropy is supposed to be treated similar in Anitaverse? -- were crazy when it first hit the public consciousness. People thought you could get it by hugging people.

So, if it is similar in Anitaverse, why would anyone want to put themselves at the risk of contracting it at a STRIP CLUB?!

It also doesn't take into account the danger of having someone change in a huge group of ordinary people, whom they might regard as prey ...

[x-trickster-x.livejournal.com]

Wait, wait... didn't Donovan change midway through him and Anita having sex? Or does this magically not apply to wereswans?

[sap-girl.livejournal.com]

I really think LKH is emotionally stunted. She is so screwed up by losing her mom at a young age and not having a father figure that, though she wangsts about it constantly, she has done little real work to get through it. Because she's so stunted, she confronts the thing she feels comfortable confronting: the horrors of bedsex! Dealing with death is scary and would force her to really dig into her own issues instead of the surface level crap she occasionally spews about how she has suffered loss. So, rather than really confront it, she goes for the easy out.

I watched my 28 year old brother die of cancer. It was one of the most horrible things I've ever had to do. I've already long ago stopped giving her money but if I hadn't, this would certainly have pushed me over the edge. STFU, Laurita.

[easol.livejournal.com]

I imagine you are correct, especially since Jason's dad somehow does not die at the end of the book. If he had, she would have had to write an emotional intense scene that does not deal with sex and her Sue, and would require some kind of soulsearching. So of course she doesn't do it.

[vmisery.livejournal.com]

I'm about five chapters in...and I can't believe how bad this book is. Short, short chapters, and paragraph after paragraph of stilted and distinctly creepy lovey-dovey dialogue. I mean, two pages of negotiating *where* they're going to have sex? And then another three paragraphs of talking about whether or not she keeps her shoes on?

Novel-lite, indeed.

I think this is going to be the first book that I actually put down and walk away from without finishing. I haven't bought an LKH book in a long time, but I do believe that this "just flat out does it for me". I've given up all hope of improvement.

[atypia.livejournal.com]

There's a chapter that is only two pages. I turned back to it, thinking I must have turned a few pages over at once by mistake.

It's so disjointed and WEIRD.

[slayra.livejournal.com]

Yeah, my feelings exactly when I read this chapter... I was like "WTF!!! Jason's father is dying of cancer and she's more worried about the fact that Perdy wants to have sex in a bed? NEWSFLASH! Many people do have sex in beds and actually aren't into kinky stuff... they obviously have fun that way. SO FUCKING WHAT? It's not like it makes them prudes. It's sex, not the meaning of life! What a prejudiced piece of crap, Whorenita is!" *proceeds to retch in disgust*

I lost my grandfather to cancer, when I was little. I don't remember much about him now, but I do remember that I liked him very much. I have a few fond memories.

[lucky-ninja.livejournal.com]

Didn't you get the memo? Vanilla sex and car accidents are at the top of the Twagedy List. Everything else is tacky soap opera fodder.

Actually, car accidents tend to be terrible. But (barring cases like John Graziano) auto fatalities are usually quick. Cancer victims don't get that luxury. LKH, know that rule about writing what you know? Stick to it. It'd help you not sound like a thoughtless dipshit.

The main reason I read BN was because Shang-Da was in it, and he's like the only unfuckable male in the Anitaverse.

[watersheerie.livejournal.com]

Shang-Da is immune to the DoomCrotch due to him being Chinese...Anita won't fuck minorities. Only white anime-looking guys can just 'flat out do it for her.' This also protects Jamil (token black guy of Anitaverse).

I think the only exception is Rafael. Unfortunate for him, he has succumbed to the gaping maw that lays between Whornita's legs.

[orthent.livejournal.com]

...but of course the logic he brings to the book does not last, and LKH adds some bullshit about vanilla sex killing the soul...

You know, I couldn't believe what I was reading when I saw that--wanted to believe it was an unmerciful paraphrase for the sake of the lulz--so I went to the book section of the supermarket and had a look at Blood Noir. And lo and behold, there it was: "When someone who says they love you wants to put limits on the way you express that love, it's like a death."

How about when someone who says they love you doesn't respect your boundaries and thinks it a penance to be loyal to you?

[beloved828.livejournal.com]

No, see, boundaries are there to be pushed into obliteration. This is the Anitaverse.

**Spoiler in case you care**

Later on, during the "sex" scene, Nathaniel and Jason top Anita together. When Anita uses the safeword (for real, there is one this time), Jason stops, but Nathaniel doesn't. A shock, I know. He then says : "I didn't stop, did I?". Of course, Anita loves the fact that Nathaniel didn't stop, thereby making it rape. Remember, these are the books where there is "good" rape and "bad" rape. I'm still shaking my head.

[beloved828.livejournal.com]

I actually read the entire book. I don't know why I did it. I guess I just wanted to see how bad it could really get. The first chapter really set the tone for the rest, let me tell you. I had to read that chapter over again to be sure that LKH really said that vanilla sex was worse than someone you love dying of cancer. She really did. I'm really glad that I'm not the only person who said "WTF?"

I've lost several family members to illness. My aunt died in her 30's from diabetes and it was a very slow and agonizing process. Her body just fell apart, and her loved ones had to just sit there and watch. I was a little girl at the time, but I still remember holding her hand while she sat in her wheelchair and knowing that she was dying. It was the last time I saw her. My granddad died of emphysema. He couldn't breathe, and he just got thinner and thinner until he was gone. My dad has emphysema now, and we don't get along. I had a hard time growing up, and it was mostly due to him. He was kind of a Daddy Dearest, let's put it like that. I hate him, but I love him too. It's a bit like Jason's situation. I haven't talked to him in months and I'm terrified that he's going to die one day and that I won't even know. Watching the people you love die is the worst thing that you could ever go through. I'm sorry, but having a girlfriend who wants to do it on a bed just doesn't f-ing compare.

"When someone who says they love you wants to put limits on the way you express that love, it's like a death."
Bitch, please. If you and your lover have different needs in bed, you either try to compromise or you break up. It's that simple. For someone like LKH, who can't handle being told "no", being told that she's wrong, or make her own meals, or care for her own child, it must have been the end of the world. What the hell is wrong with her? Ok,her mom died. I stopped feeling bad for LKH the second she decided that because of her "tragedy", she had the right to be a useless human being. Shit happens. Deal with it or die, LKH. I'm voting die.

I was shocked at just how much Sue-ism could be packed into a single (and the first) chapter, too. After I read Kit Whitfield's blog about the "Snappy Sue", I can't help but do a S.S. checklist in my head every time I read Anita.

*The Sue ranting and rambling about how everyone who doesn't agree with her rampant bitchery/bizarre behavior is jealous: check and check!

*People(almost always men) apologizing to the Sue when the Sue is being a bitch: check!

*All of the women around the Sue are either A. Jealous of the Sue and/or B. Useless and weak: checkity check check!

*The Sue is worshiped for being a Strong Woman and solving all of the men's problems: check check check check check, ect.!

It goes on and on. It's almost like LKH read Kit Whitfield's description and wrote this entire book based on it. I keep hoping to find out that this is all some sort of elaborate joke, and an experiment to write the worst series of all time. There will be a special on MTV promising an announcement by LKH herself about the state of the Anita books, and when it starts, Ashton Kutcher will pop out and scream "You got punk'd!". We'll find out that LKH doesn't actually exist, and has been played by an actress named Delores Horenblatt this whole time. The same with Jon, Darla, and Chuck (or whatever his name is). We'll be told that the books, blog, and Laurell's biography were written by a team of soap opera writers and porn directors. We'll be told that they purposely made the books get worse and worse to see if people would keep reading. The NY Times would be in on the joke, too, and the whole bestseller thing would have been faked. All the money from book sales will go to R.A.I.N.N. and charities like it.

I can't wait. ^_^

[zgirl714.livejournal.com]

keep hoping to find out that this is all some sort of elaborate joke, and an experiment to write the worst series of all time.


You dream sweet dreams. :D

[christraven.livejournal.com]

There are probably people who have lost a family member or close friend to cancer. There are people who are familiar with the way you can watch someone you love slowly waste away from cancer. Yet LKH essentially tells everyone that losing a loved one, a parent to cancer is nothing compared to having sex in a bed.

My mother lost a kidney to cancer. My father has had several malignant melanomas and prostate cancer. Both of them are, fortunately, still alive despite it.

Still, the heart-wrenching terror of hearing my parents talk about the Big C was as nothing compared to the soul-killing agony of being told by my girlfriend that we would only have sex in missionary, in bed, with the lights out. No experimentation, no BDSM, no additional lovers, and no hanging from the ceiling fan while shooting lightning out of our butts.

[ /sarcasm]

Good GOD, this woman actually makes money off this shit. THAT - not the endless parade of cardboard cutouts masquerading as 'men', not the impossible sex, not the horrible dialogue or author's overbearing ego - the fact that she GETS PAID for this tripe is what continues to boggle my mind beyond all description.

[kitsune.livejournal.com]

I watched my mother, my father, and then my grandmother die from cancer. I had a boyfriend who was only into vanilla sex.

Now guess which thing was worse...