This is the End.

[plum-arden.livejournal.com]

Hark? Is that a muse singing? Indeed it is, Lashers! The muse is singing because our wonderful, dearest Laurell has finished her latest literary masterpiece! (why yes, that was sarcasm) That muse is singing because she is no longer being blamed for something beyond her control! I’ll wait until the excitement dies down before I continue with the flogging. Everyone settled? Good.

Oh, since I’m feeling generous, I shall now get on with the flogging! The original post may be found here.

As always, LKH in bold, me in plain.



I just typed THE END. 575 pages. We’re done.

And there was much rejoicing! yay!

It’s dark now, and the only light are the candles and the computer screen, like little islands of illumination in the darkness.

Ok, to be fair to her, I actually kind of like that image. But, at the same time, I want to shake her and say “why can’t ALL your writing be like that?” (Disclaimer before you think I’m going soft...I got some bad news this morning, and I’ve been off all day...please to forgive me?)

I finished the book to Diary of Dreams, which Charles first played for us in Toronto. I’ll have to shoot him an e-mail thanking him for the music find. Of course, if Jon hadn’t had the tech skills to put it down on his iPod, I still wouldn’t have had it handy.

To quote Elle Woods from Legally Blond: What? Like it’s hard?
That’s it. I’ve had it. Come on, folks! Let’s organize a bake sale to raise money to buy LKH a clue!

Jon and I took Trinity out to do the shopping I’d promised. I’d planned on finishing the book then doing the shopping. Glad I didn’t try and do it in that order, because I’d have been having to disappoint the kiddo.

Allow me to translate: I’m glad that I didn’t try to finish the book, then shop, or we couldn’t have taken Trinity shopping. But, I’ll also give her half a kuddo for thinking of her child first for once. Care to place bets on how long THAT attitude lasts?

What time is it, anyway? Checked the clock, it’s only 9:00, which is pretty early for a marathon session for me. The latest I ever finished was 4 or 5 o’clock in the morning. That was the end of LUNATIC CAFE. So 9, that’s not bad. That’s like a full night’s sleep ahead of me. Cool.

Full nights sleep. She can kiss my a$$ on that one. She doesn’t have to be up by a certain time, like those of us in the real world, and her kid is capable of grabbing a Pop Tart or a bowl of cereal without supervision. Unlike, say, me...a real person with two toddlers who have plans to rule the world, and must be thwarted at every turn. Full nights sleep indeed. Because she just had a marathon session, and it wasn’t sex! Eww, I just grossed myself out.

But I’m done, I’m really done. Wow. Thank you God and Goddess, and I mean that. This book has kicked my ass.

That book needs to get in line behind us.

ETA: Removed my attempt to flog her on some grammar...the rest of my rant stands though. Ah, well.

Comments

[lilacwire.livejournal.com]

Actually, the apostrophe is correct in "full night's sleep." ^^

[plum-arden.livejournal.com]

Really? Oh, dammit. I was so hoping I'd gotten her on something. The one time I actually notice her grammar...

[lilacwire.livejournal.com]

Hee! It happens to the best of us. :)

[plum-arden.livejournal.com]

Ok, I took that part out, but left my rant at her about the sleep. I swear, I just want to play my teeny tiny violin for her. Poor Laurell. LOL

[lilacwire.livejournal.com]

No kidding!! I think she should be forced to work an office job for a few months to realize that she's got it pretty darned good.

[plum-arden.livejournal.com]

Without Jon, and has to deal with a REAL IT helpdesk. Yeah!

[slayra.livejournal.com]

She can't even upload music into her ipod... even 10 year olds can do it. :p Heck, she can't write her first language. I don't think she'd last long if she had to work like regular people. :p

[sharkbytes.livejournal.com]

Wowwwwww Jon knows how to load songs on to an ipod?! The man's unstoppable! I hope he's on our side, we can't lose him to the enemy with skillz like that.

[plum-arden.livejournal.com]

LOL! I tried to get my husband to do it for me once, and he refused. I was doing it because I was lazy, not because I had a case of the dumb. I just hope Jon's skillz are l33t!

[sharkbytes.livejournal.com]

hehe~~I don't judge her for not knowing how to load songs onto her ipod (my mother has similar troubles) but I do find it hilarious that she finds it an accomplishment worth noting (with great fanfare) in her official author blog XD

[plum-arden.livejournal.com]

Exactly! :) If she'd just left it as "Luckily, Jon put it on his iPod" we would have had nothing to snark. ;) She's what, in her 40's? So, it's not like all of this technology is totally new fangled or anything. She's, in a way, grown up around it. Sheesh. ;)

[dreamstrifer.livejournal.com]

I lol'd.

Oh Laurell, don't ever change.

ON second thought, yes, please change.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

No, no, you've got it all wrong. We can't afford to loose him on the enemy. The world simply isn't prepared for such a thing. Alderaan, much?

[sharkbytes.livejournal.com]

*snicker* Can you imagine someone brandishing a Jon, ready to be loosed upon the masses? The swirl of blue nail polish would be blinding!

[http://users.livejournal.com/__fantine/]

Dude, my mother knows how to put songs on an iPod. Then she had to teach me.
Seriously, she needs a cluebat.

[http://users.livejournal.com/__fantine/]

She meaning LKH, not my mother. Just to clarify XD.

[cheeky-duckie.livejournal.com]

I taught my 60-something grandmother to put songs on her iPod -- now she's an unstoppable iPod machine!

[othellia.livejournal.com]

You're lucky. My grandparents think my laptop blocks the modem/telephone line when it's not even connected to the internet. Even when I've explained that it doesn't multiple times.

[pastygothchick.livejournal.com]

I had a woman ask me how to put songs on her Ipod.

I started out with "well, hook it into your computer." To which she replied, "I don't have a computer."

"Then enjoy your new paperweight."

[slayra.livejournal.com]

LOL my 70-something grandfather just learned the basics to working on a computer! He loved it, he knew nothing about it.

Of course, my mother is about Laurell's age (maybe older) and she can work with computers just fine (she works with them all day, at her job). I'm not sure she knows how to load songs into an mp3 player (she doesn't own one), but how hard can it be? I don't have any training with computers and technology and I figured out how to upload songs to my mp3 player, for myself about 5 minutes after I got it as a birthday present. Without reading the instructions manual. So it's not like it's a great feat that Jon knows how to do it. GAH!

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

And there was much rejoicing! yay!


Monty Pyton seems to fit well with LKH flogs!

Oh gods, she likes Diary of Dreams... I want to find the band and warn them, and maybe hide them in a bunker. I love Diary of Dreams so much.

[plum-arden.livejournal.com]

I've never heard them. But if you hide them in a bunker around here, arrange a private concert and I'll come. :)

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

German electronic music group. If you've heard of Tangerine Dream (and really, who hasn't? They're on like a zillion movie soundtracks), you'd probably like Diary. DoD is a bit more darkwave and gothic and lyrical than TD. Which is probably why Laurell likes them.

[dreamstrifer.livejournal.com]

I'm always on the prowl for new music... I'll have to check them out. Hey, it worked for Laurell.

Now, to find a yes-man to put it on my iPod for me...

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

Anyone have a clue whether Laurell intends to EDIT the latest Merry masterpiece? It sounds like there was so much writing and rewriting she probably doesn't have a clue what's in it.

[icecreamempress.livejournal.com]

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Edit? LKH?

HA HA AH AHA HAH

[wolfychan.livejournal.com]

So... once the last page has been written, the book is done?

That's, uh, professional.

[snipervalentine.livejournal.com]

575 pages.

Again, these are manuscript pages we're talking about here, not how many pages will be in the printed book. 12-pt Courier, double-spaced. Two-hundred-fifty (250) words per page, on average.

575 manuscript pages X 250 words per manuscript page = 143,750 words total

143,750 words / 425 words average per printed hardback page = 338 printed pages

If you go back to her older books, her hardback pages averaged 700 words. At that font and page layout, this latest book would come in at a whopping 205 pages.

The font keeps getting bigger, the margins wider, the paper thicker, and the words fewer. I figure soon all she'll have to write is something like this:

THE POMEGRANATE TWAT

Something bad happened to somebody, but I really don't give a good crap.

I have fucked every male with a pulse, plus those without. I am beautiful. I am powerful. Everybody wants me, and I can do no wrong. I am practically a diety.

THE END.

Except the grammar would be made of fail and there would be a whole assload more commas. And it's really rather sad that it works for either series.

Oy.

[lucidscreamer.livejournal.com]

I have fucked every male with a pulse, plus those without.

But only if they have ridiculous hair.

[vmisery.livejournal.com]

143,000 words is still pretty bloated, too. Most of the advice I've gotten regarding, well, starting novelists at least, recommend between 80,000 to 120,000 words. Yeah, she's not a starting novelist, but...

Not to mention, 143k is a lot of words where NOTHING HAPPENS. x_x

[snipervalentine.livejournal.com]

Take out the superfluous and redundant adjectives and it probably is around 80K.

Evidently she didn't get the memo that said "every single word you wrote needs to fight for its life during editing." But then again, I really don't think any editing really happens with her books. That's why I stopped reading after the fourth one. My imaginary red pen was having to work way too damn hard, and I was far more concerned about the next error I was going to encounter than what was happening in the story.

[kethlenda.livejournal.com]

I would totally read a book called The Pomegranate Twat. Except if LKH wrote it.

[kimbearlysue.livejournal.com]

I had to stop when she mentioned Diary of Dreams. Please, for the love of all that is good, WHY?! My husband introduced me to them when we first started dating. In fact, he wrote a lot of his own poetry while listening to them. I would bet money that the only reason she listens to them is because they are dark and edgy and German, which feeds the flames of her darkity dark goth ego. She probably heard them for the first time and thought, "Oh! This is suitably morbid and depressing! I must name drop in my next blog! I'LL BE SO EDGY!"

[lucidscreamer.livejournal.com]

I just typed THE END. 575 pages. We’re done.

Great, Laurell. Can we stick a fork in you, just to make sure?

[mystoflare.livejournal.com]

I just typed THE END. 575 pages. We’re done.

Maybe it's just because I haven't had my tea today, and it's 2:30 in the afternoon here, but when I saw this, I momentarily thought that LKH meant she literally wrote just the words 'THE END', and that it took up 575 pages to get those two words.

[kd-lalala.livejournal.com]

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Now she can find something else to bitch about! Which is at least a change of pace and, really, about all we can expect!

Now onto a more sober topic; AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I gotta hurry up and take over the world before your kids get it!!!! *runs*

[plum-arden.livejournal.com]

Good luck on the world take over. ;) But, if it makes you feel any better, they're 2 and 3, so they can't cross the road alone, which is a major hinderance when trying to take over the world. I'd think you'd have a few years to enjoy it before they make any serious attempts. ;)

[snipervalentine.livejournal.com]

Oh God, that reminds me. She'll be starting AB_VH 17 now.

If it ends up with the word 'pomegranate' in the title I swear I'll just die of the lolz. I think she already ganked 'illumination' off me this week. She spelled it right in her blog, and it is an awfully big word. It just smacks of a cut-n-paste job to me.

[easol.livejournal.com]

"But, I’ll also give her half a kuddo for thinking of her child first for once. Care to place bets on how long THAT attitude lasts?"

Until "kiddo time" threatens to interfere with Anita's next power-upping sexfest.

Oh, and latest blog shall cause much wailing amongst fans of good fantasy/action movies -- not only is she talking about how she liked Hellboy II, but she spelled it wrong. And she's into "Dark Knight" which means an impending vampire who looks an awful lot like Christian Bale...

[plum-arden.livejournal.com]

I started thinking about the whole Trinity thing. I really see it that LKH could have approached it from one of two ways:
1. Totally put Trinity out there for all of us to oooh and ahhh over as she grows up.
or
2. Stated up front in her blog that yes, she has a child, but the child is totally off limits to the public, and will not be discussed in the blog, she would not answer questions about the child at book signings and if you happen to see her while out with the child, please don't approach them, sorry to be like that, but time with the child is precious.

I know celebrities do that sort of thing, and no matter what we think of her, in certain circles she is well known and recognized. But, this half-assedness of protecting Trinity...it just annoys me. If I were in her place, my kids would be off limits. But then, I'm selfish...I am an only child and a Leo, so I don't share well and over protective. lol ;)

I saw the blog about Hellboy, and figured my geek-fu is not strong enough to snark her on that entry, so I went for the easier of the two. ;)

[beloved828.livejournal.com]

God no, please not Christian Bale! I love him to pieces as an actor and have since I first saw him in "Newsies". He is also a beautiful man, in my opinion. I won't forgive LKH if she dirties him in her shitastic porn rags. *sharpens her spork*

[slayra.livejournal.com]

*joins beloved828 with sharp sword* No way! Not Christian Bale! O___o

[roguetailkinker.livejournal.com]

Agreed on all points, and I will join you in hunting her with sharp pointy objects if she sullies him so!

(Except the first thing that really made me fall for him was Equilibrium. Ye-ow.)

[othellia.livejournal.com]

She mentions wanting to see Journey to the Center of the Earth. From what I saw of the trailer, that movie just screams Jules Verne rape. Though, it did get a pretty nice rating on rottentomatoes...

NOOOO!!!!

[roguetailkinker.livejournal.com]

And she's into "Dark Knight" which means an impending vampire who looks an awful lot like Christian Bale...

No, she must leave that delectable man alone! He deserves better than to become the latest addition to the long-haired 'Nita-Sue harem!!! *despair*

[beloved828.livejournal.com]

This book is going to suck like a Dyson vac. Why did she even bother writing it if she hates it so much? I know the idea behind the Merry Gentry novels was to channel all of the sex out of the AB books and bring the old Anita back, or so we were lied to told. In the beginning, I actually liked the Merry Gentry books. The series was based on Merry having to have sex, it wasn't later introduced in a ridiculous and bizarre plot twist. Merry had less hang-ups than Anita, and dressed a whole lot better. The men were more interesting and less cookie-cutter or stolen out of other books. The fight scenes were cool and the powers the characters had were interesting and enjoyable to watch. Sexual abuse is shown as a bad thing, and Merry actually *does* treat her men much better than her predicesor did. The sex scenes were hot and on occassion, different from what LKH has shown us before.

I never thought the books were anything but a fluffy, entertaining read, but I did enjoy them. Now, not so much. Out of the blue, monogamy became the reason why their world was collapsing. The fight scenes dried up to accomodate more and more boring sex scenes. Merry became more and more Sue-like (not like she wasn't a total Sue in the first place, but still), and less sympathetic. And, again, the heroine is not forced to choose between her men but gets to have them all in the end due to some ridiculous and bizarre plot twist. Merry is just Anita with red hair and better fashion sense now.

I think the main reason why I liked the series was that it was different. There were faeries, and the characters were cool. LKH just can't write a story, though. She's like George Lucas in some ways. They both have good ideas and do great special effects, but they can't write a decent story based on them. And, just like George Lucas, no one will admit that this is the case.

As for Trinity, I feel so bad for her. I bet she's a sweet kid, and I wish people would lay off of her. She should be off-limits. Since her mother obviously won't protect her in the media and online, we should at least try to.

[slayra.livejournal.com]

This book is going to suck like a Dyson vac.
Oh yes! *evil laugh* Who wants to round up some money, buy a copy, read it, pass it around the lashers and write snarky comments in red ink?? Then send it to Darla or Laurell?

LOL, joking that would be way too stalkerish.

[beloved828.livejournal.com]

Hehe! Nah, we can't buy it. It'll help LKH get to the top of the Best Seller's List and we can't have that. I say poach it from the library. Or, we could grab a free download of it somewhere. We could then post the book back with our snarky comments in the troo forums. Less stalkerish, I think. And more likely to piss a ton of people off. ^_^

[regoddy.livejournal.com]

Okay, so when ever LKH talks about John doing something that involves "tach skills" does anyone else picture him doing this big magic show? I mean she talks about it like it's magic, so I always see him sauntering in with a top hat and cape and saying things like "Be amazed, for I have to power to make music come out of a TINY BOX!".

Also, I can't decide if Laurell just makes no effort to learn how to do things on her own, or if Jonboi purposely leaves her in the dark so she's forced to keep him around...