Floggage

[recrudescence.livejournal.com]

Yvi’s First Flogging, or Laurell Buys a Phone.

LKH in bold, me in plain.

The Opinion is in




I’m listening to My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult, "Sex on Wheels".

Okay. See, I don’t know what it is that makes this cringeworthy to me. People talk about what kind of music they listen to all the time, right? I think the woman just manages to radiate an air of self-satisfaction even when describing the most mundane things. “I listen to songs with words like SEX in them/I have a purple toothbrush six shades darker than Nathaniel’s eyes/I opened a box of Wheaties today: validate me, compliment me, PAY ATTENTION TO ME AND MY AWESOMELY AWESOME TASTES IN EVERYTHING.”

It was one of four songs that made the short list for my choice of ring tones for Jonathon.

Hai thar, redundancy. Yes, if there were only four songs, the list would indeed be short. Now send your inner tween to her room, stop poring over your iTunes collection (y’know, the thing with the stuff that Jon magically transported onto the computer for you) for teh m0st perfektest songz00rs in teh w0rld to describe your luscious-locked BF, and get back to work so you can complain about how hard it is and how you never take breaks or have time for any fun whasoever.

One of the things that finally drove me to get a new uber techie phone was a desire for personalized ring tones.

Maybe I’m behind the times, but isn’t it possible to get personalized ringtones with most phone models? It’s kind of amusing imagining LKH has been toting around a shoebox-sized Zack Morris model up till now. Goddammit, now I’m picturing Jean-Claude as Slater. And Ronnie would be Jessie, since she’s tall, blonde, and bitchy. Anita would be Kelly, the short brunette at the center of everyone’s affections…yeah, I’m done now.

Shallow, true, but sometimes when you’re afraid of something it’s all about the fun.

Bzuh? When you’re afraid, isn’t it about…the…fear?

I’m intimidated by technology, but it was either get a phone that had a calendar, a to do list, the works, or continue to lug around the huge day planner.

Or a Zack Morris phone. Waaaait a minute, is “huge day planner” some coy, clever way of referring to Jon or Darla? I was under the impression they handled all the nitty-gritty things like that.

The one I found that finally worked was like a freaking hardback book. It was heavy and awkward to carry around.

Well, that sounds about right.

Jon and most of the people we work with on both coasts have blackberries, or some other uber tech phone.

I would like a blackberry smoothie. Mmmm. Capitalization is key, honey.

It takes the place of the huge day planner.

AS PREVIOUSLY STATED: "it was either get a phone that had a calendar, a to do list, the works, or continue to lug around the huge day planner."

Has everyone wrapped their minds around this now? SHE WANTS TO REPLACE HER DAY PLANNER WITH A PHONE.

I vowed I would learn to use the new phone.

That...is generally a good first step when buying something you plan to actually use, yes. Making it sound like you're bowing your head and solemnly swearing on the priceless Aztec urn of your grandmother's ashes might be pushing it just a tad.

First, we went to the store and I chose the phone, not Jon.

Does anyone remember those Pull-Ups commercials? "Mommy, wow! I'm a big kid now!"? Yeah.

The mistake we’d made in the past was that Jon would choose something for me, and when we got it home I couldn’t work it.

That bitch. So is she just mindlessly toddling along as Jonboi plucks up whatever he sees fit? Who wants to bet she's either (a) too butch to ask for details on how anything works because that would impugn her manly-man street cred (b) stopping every three seconds to pensively stare into space and say "Let me test my understanding" until Jon just gives up.

Jon: *proffers said "something," possibly on a little velvet pillow with tassels at the corners* "Here, mistress, I've purchased the latest state-of-the-art model that will allow you to save addresses, phone numbers, to-do lists, the ozone layer, the whales, and Ashlee Simpson's career."

LKH: *dubiously surveys it* "Can I...call people? It's still a phone, right?"

Jon: "Oh, Jesus. Here, just have an Etch-A-Sketch."

This time I made him not help me at the store at all, on the theory that if I couldn’t work it at the store it was not coming home with me.

See above. Shouldn't this already be the standard? If not, what the fuck is she doing when she goes shopping with her husband? Checking her pallor in the store windows?

I am now the proud owner of a Palm Centro. It has a calendar, a to do list, and little alarms to help me remember things. I’ve carried it for several days, and I’m still happy with it. I can still work it. Cool.

I'm actually down with this whole paragraph. It's good that she's trying to be more organized, though I firmly believe there's such a thing as a lost cause. But if LKH can feel proficient at something without needing to make grabby-hands at the rest of the world for validation, I'm okay with that.

Jon has had to help me a couple of times, or explain something that didn’t make intuitive sense to me, but overall it’s my phone.

Do we have any reason to believe it's not her phone? Has Jon been sneaking off to cuddle with it in the dead of the night?

And the day planner can stay on my desk where it belongs.

Buried under piles of decaying post-it notes, no doubt.