Floggage

[recrudescence.livejournal.com]

Yvi’s First Flogging, or Laurell Buys a Phone.

LKH in bold, me in plain.

The Opinion is in




I’m listening to My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult, "Sex on Wheels".

Okay. See, I don’t know what it is that makes this cringeworthy to me. People talk about what kind of music they listen to all the time, right? I think the woman just manages to radiate an air of self-satisfaction even when describing the most mundane things. “I listen to songs with words like SEX in them/I have a purple toothbrush six shades darker than Nathaniel’s eyes/I opened a box of Wheaties today: validate me, compliment me, PAY ATTENTION TO ME AND MY AWESOMELY AWESOME TASTES IN EVERYTHING.”

It was one of four songs that made the short list for my choice of ring tones for Jonathon.

Hai thar, redundancy. Yes, if there were only four songs, the list would indeed be short. Now send your inner tween to her room, stop poring over your iTunes collection (y’know, the thing with the stuff that Jon magically transported onto the computer for you) for teh m0st perfektest songz00rs in teh w0rld to describe your luscious-locked BF, and get back to work so you can complain about how hard it is and how you never take breaks or have time for any fun whasoever.

One of the things that finally drove me to get a new uber techie phone was a desire for personalized ring tones.

Maybe I’m behind the times, but isn’t it possible to get personalized ringtones with most phone models? It’s kind of amusing imagining LKH has been toting around a shoebox-sized Zack Morris model up till now. Goddammit, now I’m picturing Jean-Claude as Slater. And Ronnie would be Jessie, since she’s tall, blonde, and bitchy. Anita would be Kelly, the short brunette at the center of everyone’s affections…yeah, I’m done now.

Shallow, true, but sometimes when you’re afraid of something it’s all about the fun.

Bzuh? When you’re afraid, isn’t it about…the…fear?

I’m intimidated by technology, but it was either get a phone that had a calendar, a to do list, the works, or continue to lug around the huge day planner.

Or a Zack Morris phone. Waaaait a minute, is “huge day planner” some coy, clever way of referring to Jon or Darla? I was under the impression they handled all the nitty-gritty things like that.

The one I found that finally worked was like a freaking hardback book. It was heavy and awkward to carry around.

Well, that sounds about right.

Jon and most of the people we work with on both coasts have blackberries, or some other uber tech phone.

I would like a blackberry smoothie. Mmmm. Capitalization is key, honey.

It takes the place of the huge day planner.

AS PREVIOUSLY STATED: "it was either get a phone that had a calendar, a to do list, the works, or continue to lug around the huge day planner."

Has everyone wrapped their minds around this now? SHE WANTS TO REPLACE HER DAY PLANNER WITH A PHONE.

I vowed I would learn to use the new phone.

That...is generally a good first step when buying something you plan to actually use, yes. Making it sound like you're bowing your head and solemnly swearing on the priceless Aztec urn of your grandmother's ashes might be pushing it just a tad.

First, we went to the store and I chose the phone, not Jon.

Does anyone remember those Pull-Ups commercials? "Mommy, wow! I'm a big kid now!"? Yeah.

The mistake we’d made in the past was that Jon would choose something for me, and when we got it home I couldn’t work it.

That bitch. So is she just mindlessly toddling along as Jonboi plucks up whatever he sees fit? Who wants to bet she's either (a) too butch to ask for details on how anything works because that would impugn her manly-man street cred (b) stopping every three seconds to pensively stare into space and say "Let me test my understanding" until Jon just gives up.

Jon: *proffers said "something," possibly on a little velvet pillow with tassels at the corners* "Here, mistress, I've purchased the latest state-of-the-art model that will allow you to save addresses, phone numbers, to-do lists, the ozone layer, the whales, and Ashlee Simpson's career."

LKH: *dubiously surveys it* "Can I...call people? It's still a phone, right?"

Jon: "Oh, Jesus. Here, just have an Etch-A-Sketch."

This time I made him not help me at the store at all, on the theory that if I couldn’t work it at the store it was not coming home with me.

See above. Shouldn't this already be the standard? If not, what the fuck is she doing when she goes shopping with her husband? Checking her pallor in the store windows?

I am now the proud owner of a Palm Centro. It has a calendar, a to do list, and little alarms to help me remember things. I’ve carried it for several days, and I’m still happy with it. I can still work it. Cool.

I'm actually down with this whole paragraph. It's good that she's trying to be more organized, though I firmly believe there's such a thing as a lost cause. But if LKH can feel proficient at something without needing to make grabby-hands at the rest of the world for validation, I'm okay with that.

Jon has had to help me a couple of times, or explain something that didn’t make intuitive sense to me, but overall it’s my phone.

Do we have any reason to believe it's not her phone? Has Jon been sneaking off to cuddle with it in the dead of the night?

And the day planner can stay on my desk where it belongs.

Buried under piles of decaying post-it notes, no doubt.

Comments

[dreamstrifer.livejournal.com]

What programs do you use? Nothing works for my shitty whore-ish verizon phone.

[brandiweed.livejournal.com]

I just wish I could find a data cable for my Samsung. (The family plan doesn't have Internet on the phones 'cause truthfully we wouldn't use it enough to justify the cost. Depending on what incentives come with our next phone plan, this may change.)

[easol.livejournal.com]

What do you have, mac or PC? (I can hear LKH saying, "Let me test my understanding...")

My dad uploaded an awesome Get Smart theme onto mine, and my sister has Monty Python.

[dreamstrifer.livejournal.com]

I have a PC

[alex-lebeau.livejournal.com]

I myself have a Verizon LG, and I use Bitpim. I got a cable from Verizon (with that idiot music VCast package; tossed all that shit out), downloaded bitpim (which is free!), and there we go. Only thing is, they have a list of phones compatible, since they exist on users graciously sending them their old phones to program off of. My old 3300 didn't work, but my 8500 does. And no Razors at all.

[cywrain.livejournal.com]

I used MyxerTones (http://www.myxertones.com) just a couple of weeks ago to download a ringtone on my Verizon phone. (Doctor Who! Original Score! I win at being a nerd.)

The tool is free to use, but it does require that your register (also free) before you may download. You can also upload your own song files to convert them to ringtones, but I haven't played with that. My only caveat is that it took ages for me to email the ringtone to my cell phone; the email bounced back about 8 times over a 12-hour period before sucessfully going through.

[ladyblue99.livejournal.com]

I too suffer with a whoreish V-Phone, but I took care of that by going here:

http://www.funformobile.com/

Just sign up and you'll be sending yourself cool ringtones directly to your phone. Its free and I've had no problems with it. However make sure the ringtones are under 330k, or you won't be able to save them to your phone.

Once you send yourself a ringtone you like (you'll get a text message with the attachment, open it and save it as a ringtone in your My Ringtone folder. Also if you want to share it with a friend, you'll have to save it as a sound in your My sounds folder..

Stupid Verizon locks everything on their phones, because they want you to use their (rip me off now) stuff. Hope this helps.

[booster-blue.livejournal.com]

Do you have internet enabled on your phone? There are plenty of site that let you download off them (and even make your own short tones).

[polymexina.livejournal.com]

my old phone (it was only a few months old) didn't let you do that. it didn't have the memory for much besides phone numbers.

[http://users.livejournal.com/__fantine/]

It took me about half an hour to hook my phone to my brother's computer (home of the mp3 files and the non-Windows-Vistaness) and download a non-standard ringtone onto my phone.
If I can do it - and I am one of the most technically challenged people in the world - why the hell can't LKH? She's probably still freaked out by these brand spanking new internet machines. She probably calls videogames Nintendos.
I don't know why her technophobia pisses me off D:.

[suzycat.livejournal.com]

I made him not help me at the store at all

"OK, now, you're not allowed to help me. No! Sit down! Stay where your mistress tells you! Does Mommy have to bring out the ball-gag? SIT DOWN OR I CUT YOU!"

[gothgoddessrhia.livejournal.com]

LOL!!! I can so see that.

[booster-blue.livejournal.com]

Great flog! GOOOOOOOOOOO BAYSIDE!

While I normally applaud those of the less than tech savvy generation getting a knack for gadgets...LKH is such a hypochondriac when it comes to technology that I can't even give the token golf clap. Honestly! Get over it, woman.

[brandiweed.livejournal.com]

I wonder if she knows that Thrill Kill Kult have their collective tongue very much in their collective cheek when they do songs like Sex on Wheelz (the song's actual spelling-- I won't fault her for spelling it incorrectly right) or The International Sin Set?

I could easily see her taking Lords of Acid way too seriously too.

[vmisery.livejournal.com]

Jon: "Oh, Jesus. Here, just have an Etch-A-Sketch."

rofl. Win.

[sharkbytes.livejournal.com]

I think what really rubs me the wrong way is how she almost boasts about her minor accomplishments. I get that to her, being more open to technology is a big step, but she has to realize that most adults either find a way to function, or choose not to bore everyone with the gripping tale of "How I Chose My Cell Phone All By Myself." It's the sort of behavior that is endearing with children, yet very annoying with adults.

[plum-arden.livejournal.com]

Track This
I think what really rubs me the wrong way is how she almost boasts about her minor accomplishments.

Thank you! The whole time I was reading LKH's words, all I kept thinking was "how old is she, no really, how old is she?" It's not like she's 98 and was already old and set in her ways when these new fangled phone things were invented. Cripes.

[zombiexbunny.livejournal.com]

YES.

That and her constant "it's mine" blather. "I can drive my car now. It's finally MY car!" and "I can mostly use my phone, so overall it is MY phone!"

WTF is that about?

[alex-lebeau.livejournal.com]

Personal ring tones...JESUS. Most of them are terrible. If you're tech savvy and really want a personal tone of your choice, you USB and bitpim that bitch. I have Monty Python's "Spanish Inquisition" sketch when my mom calls, "Crazy Motorcycle" from FFVII for a friend, "Outer Planet Soldiers' Henshin" for another, Gir singing the "Doom Song" for my weird friend, "Sit On My Face" for another, lots of Buck-Tick....yeah, like LKH having to chose between 50 Cent and that ridiculous "I Kissed A Girl" song is so cool.

And you know if they're being made special for her, Jonboi's doing all the hard work. Because this is all about her figuring out how her phone works.

[recrudescence.livejournal.com]

It probably says a lot that the ringtones were the deciding factor in this phone-buying endeavor, while the actual organizational merits were just sort of bonuses.

[plum-arden.livejournal.com]

Your flog will be read by me several times today, because I have to go to work and deal with an idiot. You know, I think she may be up to LKH's standards because I had to explain section breaks in Word to her twice yesterday. Same explanation. *headdesk*

LKH needs to leave the music I listen to alone. And I've seen Jon. Sex On Wheels he's anything but. UGH.

[bad-habit.livejournal.com]

Every time I read LKH in bold, me in plain. my mind automatically translates it to "LKH in bold, me in pain." Took me a while to figure out that wasn't what was written there.

I wonder who's the Screech of Anitaverse...

[zombiexbunny.livejournal.com]

Micah

[aine-de-danann.livejournal.com]

I'm lovin' on your Dr. Horrible.

Seriously, my best friend and I just had a conversation about how my Mom has become a total *waves hands around helplessly* whine-monkey in the last few years. For her, much like I imagine it has been for lkh, it is definitely a learned behavior because my step-Dad does everything for her.
Our conversations go something like this:
Mom: Nothing happens when I click on the pictures on your homepage.
Me: There is a link to my portfolio on the homepage, Mom. It says "view artist's portfolio."
Mom: But nothing happens when I click on the pictures on your homepage.
Me: The homepage is just an introduction. There is a link to my portfolio, where, if you click on the pictures, takes you to a description and bigger pictures.
Mom: *whines* why didn't you just put it on the homepage? Why do I have to click a link?
Me: It's a portfolio page, Mom, that's what they're for.
Mom: You make everything so hard!
From now on Me: "Oh, Jesus. Here, just have an Etch-A-Sketch."

[desmei.livejournal.com]

For someone who goes on and on about how non-girly she is, she has the one of the most stereotypically female views of technology I think I've ever seen; she really seems to be proud of her ignorance. I've known any number of people (male and female) older than her who might not have been experts (and a few who were), but who took the time to learn to use their gadgets and didn't see that as a major accomplishment.

Who over the age of 15 would think that "Sex on Wheels" was an appropriate ringtone for their partner? I wish I could believe she'd use an instrumental part, but doubt it. I wonder what other songs made her short list, though.

[plum-arden.livejournal.com]

I just picture a scene where she's out to lunch/dinner/whatever with one of her female friends (because LKH can have them for some reason...) and her phone rings. "Sex on Wheels" starts blaring from her purse, or whatever she carries, being the "man" that she is, and she gets all giddy, bounces around in her chair, and announces loudly, "Oh! That's my sweetie, Jon!" And beams at her cleverness of thinking up that song for him.

[easol.livejournal.com]

Fanny pack, not purse!

[kerame.livejournal.com]

It's because they don't have a song called, "I'm A Charmless Sponge Who Married You So I Never Had To Work."

But they do have a song called, "Mr and Mrs Bottomless Pit".

Maybe that's everyone else's ringtone for them.

[recrudescence.livejournal.com]

I would kill to see LKH on What Not to Wear. She'd pitch a fit when the makeup lady inevitably tried to give her a more natural look. =)

[easol.livejournal.com]

"I am GAWTH! I write about vampires! I have to spackle on the ultra-pale foundation and red lips!"

[phyrra.livejournal.com]

Ok, the Saved by the Bell reference cracked me up :)
You just made my friday bright and giggly.

I'm with you, I think it's good for her to be organized with a phone, especially the Palm Centro.

Let's hope that being more organized ends up with us having to see less badly written porn :P

[recrudescence.livejournal.com]

Why, thank you. I've decided Richard would be Mr. Belding, the stuck-in-his-ways teacher who shows up to rain on everyone's parade but always comes around eventually.

[moonbeamdancer.livejournal.com]

The mistake we’d made in the past was that Jon would choose something for me, and when we got it home I couldn’t work it.

It's called reading the manuel! Feel free to look it up...

One of the things that finally drove me to get a new uber techie phone was a desire for personalized ring tones.

I've got a rather basic pay for more mnutes every few months, phone and I could have personalized ring tones, nothing new there.

Jon has had to help me a couple of times, or explain something that didn’t make intuitive sense to me, but overall it’s my phone.

Kinda understandable, sometimes having someone explain what the manuel says can help. But still read the book that comes with it.

[darkese.livejournal.com]

I suspect LKH thinks her fear of technology makes her flawed and likable to have this one (in her mind) imperfection of character.

I also suspect this falls into LKH's idea of manliness. The 1950's man who didn't know how to work a typewriter at work or washer at home. It also is a form of conspicuous consumption for LKH in that she doesn't need to learn how to work her computer or phone, she can hire a full time staff and have an unemployed husband on hand 24/7 to do these menial tasks for her.

While these might be what LKH believes about her 'fear of technology' I think the real deep down truth is the likes being cared for. She craves that feeling of helplessness that only men can save her from. Both her series has a supposedly strong female made helpless by forces outside of their control and only men can save her from it. Perhaps she doesn't believe men can love her for herself and needs the proof of them caring for her to feel loved. In LKH's mind if you're so helpless your life depends on men caring for you, it's that the ultimate proof of love.

She resented Gary for leaving her and going off to work. She resented having to care for Trinity as a baby (and even fetus). Now she has Jon who's sacrificed any goals outside the house to stay home and sit with LKH in her office so she can just look at him and be reassured, to work all her confusing technology, to run her errands and organize her life. She rewards him with the sex she believes is every man's reward.

[recrudescence.livejournal.com]

You should look into getting a grant to expand on this.

Something I've been wondering is why the hell she need to call Jon anyway. Isn't he pretty much permanently glued to her side?

[snowtiger001.livejournal.com]

Yuh know, friggin LKH is reminding me more and more of my mother. The "woe is meee" and "YOU do this !!" are so typical. I will have to remember the Etch a Sketch comment for the next time she wants me to check her e-mail for her.

[aine-de-danann.livejournal.com]

Hey, I just posted something similar about MY mother (including a future etch-a-sketch comment). Is it possible we're long-lost siblings? Quick, call Dr. Phil.

Or could it be that brilliant thing darkese wrote above and it is somehow a common "I'm so helpless, helping me shows me you love me" insecure Mom conspiracy?

[snowtiger001.livejournal.com]

Jesus, you too ? Our conversations go something like this;
Her: I need to check e-mail.
Me: It does it automatically when you open the program.
Her: The E-mail program ?
Me: Yeeeesssss.
Her: Which E-mail program?
Me: The same one you've been using for the last 5 years...
Her: Yes, but where do I find it ?
Me: .......(inarticulate whimper)

[aine-de-danann.livejournal.com]

Wait, is that you and your Mom or lkh and boitoy? 'Cause I bet that is a daily occurence at Casa de Wackjob.

...and when you get frustrated that this reasonably intelligent person is acting more helpless than your 3-year olds, YOU'RE the bad guy?

I honestly wonder if Jon thinks this is worth it...I mean, seriously, you gotta think sometimes he'd rather be diggin' ditches.

[snowtiger001.livejournal.com]

*snort* Dude, he's paid to do it, I'm not. I can put up with a hell of alot of crap if I'm paid enough.

[viridian5.livejournal.com]

First, we went to the store and I chose the phone, not Jon.

Am I the only one who read this and got a sudden thought of "Take the phone or Jon, phone or Jon? Hmmmm."

[easol.livejournal.com]

http://www.palm.com/us/products/smartphones/centro/

Anyone else wanna bet she'll be confused in a matter of minutes by AAAAAALLLLLLLLL those little buttons and options and shit?

[recrudescence.livejournal.com]

"Uber-techie" phone = the new Foose?

[easol.livejournal.com]

Probably! Next it'll probably be an ultra-shiny-cute laptop, which she will buy because she wants to overcome Teh Fearz, won't allow Jonboi to help her purchase, and will become utterly confused by but insist that it's MINE and I own it, and what it is....