Blogflog: Am I A Cougar?

[pith]

Sorry for the lacklustre 'flog: I'm in a wee bit of a rush, so I may edit some things in later.

Link: http://blog.laurellkhamilton.org/2008/08/am-i-cougar.html



You know, with LKH, a title like that could mean so many things. Maybe she was trying to find her spirit guide, or her inner lycanthrope. Alas, not.

I had heard the word cougar for an older woman who dated younger men, but I thought it meant in a predatory sort of way. An older woman who dated younger men in a casual, and potentially hurtful manner. I learned last night at the party that it's now referring to any older woman who dates exclusively younger men.

I love how she makes it sound like some mysterious term. I get that Sex in the City is too "mainstream" or whatever for her to follow, but "cougar" is fairly common as a term now.

And "exclusively younger men"? That would mean the men would be exclusively young, yes? That they never get old? So… she wants to date Peter Pan? Well, that explains a lot.

But I found that the men in my age range had the same problems with me that we'd all had in college. I was too dominant, too interested in my own career, and, strangely, too successful.

I don't think it's so much "too interested in [her] own career" as much as "too interested in herself". I wouldn’t want to date someone as self-centred as she is either.

I mean if I was a firefighter, you wouldn't expect me to be an arsonist in my spare time.

Hey, that happens. Who better to know how to get away with arson than someone who makes a living investigating arson?

Men in my age bracket were still suffering under the delusion that once you're down a man, you NEED one.

Again with the sexism. She likes to slam people into these narrow little roles. "Women don't [x]". "All men [y]." I know it makes conversing easier, because if you are truly politically correct, it feels like it takes 10 minutes to say hello, but for someone who prides herself on making unique characters, her stereotypes are a few decades out of date. I know plenty of men (of varying ages) who are open-minded, awesome, and actively seek out women who are "independent", for lack of a better term. Yes, there are generational attitudes, but they certainly aren't one-age-fits-all. Maybe she didn't luck out and find the "right" men her age, but to say that all the men in her age bracket were suffering under the same delusion is hardly fair.

And "down a man" just makes me think of shopping for your significant other at a grocery store or something. "Oh, gosh, I'm almost out of boyfriend! I better stop by Wal-Mart on the way home from work tonight. Maybe I'll try that new [whatever] model I saw on TV!"

To keep you from makng some horrible mistake, modern technology takes the edge off guys, get a grip on your creepy selves.

I confess, I don't exactly know what she was going for here. Was she championing online dating? (Which is fine.) Was she saying that the Internet has made men more open-minded?

So, I guess, by definition, since I only successfuly dated men that much younger than myself after my divorce, and married a man who is twelve years younger than me; that yes, I am a cougar. Meow.

Punctuation abuse aside, I have to cringe at the cougar/"meow". Cougars may have a roar of sorts, but I'm pretty sure it's only the young cougars that have an equivalent to a meow. Any strength she found in being a cougar seems rather diminished by a 'meow'.

Comments

[pastygothchick.livejournal.com]

I thought she was trying for something in the blow-up doll direction.

[katekat]

To keep you from makng some horrible mistake, modern technology takes the edge off guys, get a grip on your creepy selves.

I think, once again, she's inappropriately punctuated. The sentence might read: To keep you from mak[i]ng some horrible mistake modern technology [can] take the edge off[.] [Thus allowing] guys [to] get a grip on [their] creepy selves.

Or something like that. But honestly? It's indecipherable.

Thank you for rapidly flogging - i was waiting for someone to beat this up. And the Meow is absolutely horrible.

[notadoor.livejournal.com]

Actually, I think what's happened is that "guys" is supposed to be vocative, and it's a poorly constructed and punctuated sentence.

I think what she was going for was, "Hey guys? [Here's some advice] to keep you from making some horrible mistake: modern technology takes the edge off, so get a grip on your creepy selves."


Also, did anyone notice it was posted by Jonathan? Probably just a case of wrong log-in, but it did give me a moment's pause.

[merchendiver.livejournal.com]

Is this one of her failed attempts at being introspective. Really she should just quit. Her blogs make her sound awful, I agree. For someone that loves to tell us how progressive she is, she sounds more like Ward Cleaver than anyone I have read in a long time.

[windiain.livejournal.com]

So… she wants to date Peter Pan? Well, that explains a lot.

Dear god, woman, I did not need the image of Jon dressed as Peter Pan in my head! O_o

[siedhr.livejournal.com]

I had a moment of sheer disbelief when I read this one. Then I promptly burst into laughter.

[daphne-gateau.livejournal.com]

Jon isn't young enough to be considered cougar bait in my neck of the woods. To me a cougar is a woman over 40ish who is interested in dating men in their 20's. Dating, not much else. I bet Laurel just thinks the idea is 'cool' and wants to feel like she's this edgy middle-aged hottie when in fact she's a work at home mom/wife and isn't that special.

Men in my age bracket were still suffering under the delusion that once you're down a man, you NEED one. To keep you from makng some horrible mistake, modern technology takes the edge off guys, get a grip on your creepy selves.

I could not decipher what she meant here. Unfortunately I went and read her entire blog. :( Ew.

I think she's advising men that she's discovered 'modern technology' that takes the edge off of her need for sex with a man. Therefore, these older men she's ranting about didn't need to swing by and offer their 'creepy' services to her.

TMI, Laurell. Just. TMI.

*passes brain bleach all around*

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Oh... wait... is that what the "modern technology" that "takes the edge off" means? Oh my gods, no. Gah.

[icecreamempress.livejournal.com]

Wow, Laurell! Way to catch up on the hot new slang from 2002! What are you going to post about next? "Bling"? "Baby mama"?

[gwynethfar.livejournal.com]

I thought you had to be single to be a cougar.

[bloodredroses1.livejournal.com]

Are you guys really that dense? This is LKH we're talking about here --- think more along the lines of a battery powered "mother's little helper". Do I need to be more blunt? *quirks eyebrow*

Yeah she's generalizing a whole hell of a lot but unfortunately the attitude she's talking about isn't that uncommon among aging male baby-boomers. Add to that the fact that she's so self-centered and you've got an instant recipe for disaster when it comes to dating someone her own age.

As for the whole cougar thing, not every female watches Sex in the City. The only reason I came across it was, I'm embarrassed to say, because of a porn title. Otherwise I'd have gone blissful about my life with never a clue that this referred to a woman w/ a preference for younger men.

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

I never heard of the cougar thing before this blog. (Of course, I don't watch Sex in the City, either.)

To keep you from makng some horrible mistake, modern technology takes the edge off guys, get a grip on your creepy selves.

Yeah, I was pretty sure she was talking about a vibrator in that sentence, too.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Holy fuck, Laurell, enough with the gender essentialist bullshit. I swear, I have been gnashing my teeth over every one of her blog entries lately. A very good friend of mine, who is biologically/physically female and mentally/emotionally male, has been snarking the Anita Blake books up down and sideways concerning the gender essentialism. The books are full of it.

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

What's gender essentialism?

[fadeinthewash.livejournal.com]

I learned last night at the party that it's now referring to any older woman who dates exclusively younger men.

Maybe I'm just reading too much into the placement of the word "now," but my immediate thought was that she has no idea how hold that sentences makes her sound. Y'know, like, "Kids these days! I hear the television set is now referred to as a 'tee-vee.'" Or something.

[rin-x-x.livejournal.com]

LAWL.

"A potentionally hurtful manner." So having casual sex IS GOING TO HURT THEIR WIDDLE FEELINGS? AWWWW.Q-FUCKING-Q.

Holy shit she is fucking delusional.

[mystickiwi.livejournal.com]

I thought a cougar was just an attractive older woman, I had no idea it had anything to do with who you wanted to date.

There are a lot of sentences in this blog that I find bloody indecipherable. I honestly can't even guess at what she's trying to say. I guess I get the jist of the blog (LKH is a superspeshul cougar who doesn't just LIKE to date younger men, she has to because they are the only ones who truly understand her soooooooouuuuulllllllllllll!!!1111111!)

[naeko.livejournal.com]

Clearly you don't watch How I Met Your Mother (http://www.givememyremote.com/remote/how-i-met-your-mother-recap-aldrin-justice/) (and, really, you should!).

Marshall’s constitutional law professor is taking her bad divorce over the summer out on the class. Marshall thinks that if she just got laid maybe she’d loosen up and not grade that tough. Why not just dare Barney to sex her up?

Marshall: She’s in her late 40s.
Barney: Is she hot?
Marshall: Uhh, yea.
Barney: And she’s looking for some action, it sounds to me like she could be a cougar.
Robin: A what?
Barney: A cougar. An older woman usually in her 40’s or 50’s, single and on the prowl for a younger man.
***
Barney: Marshall’ I’ve thought it over and I accept your challenge.
Marshall: I didn’t challenge you to have sex with her.
Barney: Tomorrow the cougar hunt begins.


The full episode is here (http://www.fanpop.com/spots/how-i-met-your-mother/videos/17448), but doesn't work with Safari :/

[naeko.livejournal.com]

That bit about dating Peter Pan had me in a serious gigglefit XD

I have to wonder if a lot of Hamilton's views on men and women just come from her age bracket in the mid-west. My husband grew up in the mid-west, and I've met his mother. She's... got a lot of views in common with LKH and, from how my husband talks about his childhood, most of his mother's ex-boyfriends, and most of his family in that age group have similarly... archaic views on gender roles and gender actions.

I did actually think LKH made a few good points, surprisingly, but they were surrounded by her ego, so they got all mashed out of shape.

But I found that the men in my age range had the same problems with me that we'd all had in college. I was too dominant, too interested in my own career, and, strangely, too successful.

She was too successful in college for boys to date her?
"Will you go out with me, Timmy?"
"No, Laurell. Your grades are too good and you just got promoted to Assistant Manager at the Dairy Queen. You're too successful for me."
":("

[pith]

She was too successful in college for boys to date her?
"Will you go out with me, Timmy?"
"No, Laurell. Your grades are too good and you just got promoted to Assistant Manager at the Dairy Queen. You're too successful for me."

*L* That's awesome. Add in some reference about her mad D&D RPing skills and you're probably right.

One of the things I find most sad about LKH's decline is that she has the roots of good ideas (both in her fiction, and in some of her beliefs), but then she drowns them in wank and ego-building and they get lost.

[suzycat.livejournal.com]

Men in my age bracket were still suffering under the delusion that once you're down a man, you NEED one.

Well, you wouldn't really know much about that whole "being down a man" would you Laurell, since you appear to have picked up JonBoi seconds after your divorce (unless I'm very much mistaken). I hate women who've never been single making these comments about "not needing" a man, seeing as how they so strongly didn't need a man that they never actually spent any time without one.

Also, as someone in LKH's age bracket, I'd like to suggest that most of the available men were too busy chasing young things themselves to want to shackle themselves to LKH and her child. Moreover, a lot of men - especially the younger ones - are very, very happy to be involved with a "successful" woman because she has money. Older woman with money does way better than older woman without, let me tell you. Plenty of male golddiggers out there.

[snipervalentine.livejournal.com]

Thank you for implanting the image of David Lee Roth singing Just A Gigolo in my head.

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

I'm a single 42 year old woman in the NY area and while yeah, there are some 40 something jerks out there, I know lots of decent guys who aren't intimidated by successful career women-however I know none that would willingly date a woman who has a chip on her about men the size of the Empire State Building.

[slayra.livejournal.com]

I find her ideas very amusing... like when she tells us that "she's not easy" because she doesn't want to have sex with a man in her first date... I think this whole emancipation thing that women fought for, for ages included the right to have sex freely without being considered a "slut" or "easy". So what if a woman feels the need to get it on with her date partner on their first date? What of it? :p Women have sexdrives too. I don't find it repreensive at all. But maybe I'm waaaay too liberal.

Also what is the problem with casual dating (as long as both people understand it's casual)?

Whatever.

[mystickiwi.livejournal.com]

Possible TMI

I do have a vibe, and I remember the topic came up in a group discussion, and one girl snarkily commented that, she guessed you didn't need one if you had a boyfriend.

I countered with, you do if your boyfriend is six hours away. That shut her up.

[someclone.livejournal.com]

Am I cougar? When my first marriage broke up, and I was suddenly dating after more than a decade of being off the shelf, I had no plans to date anyone too much younger than myself. But I found that the men in my age range had the same problems with me that we'd all had in college. I was too dominant, too interested in my own career, and, strangely, too successful. A lot of men within a few years of me either way were very intimidated by that last bit. Then, there were those men who thought my choice of writing was either too gross, or made them think it would make me more sexually available. That's like the creepy guys who think that women who work vice, or sex crimes for the police are somehow more into what they work with; disturbing. I mean if I was a firefighter, you wouldn't expect me to be an arsonist in my spare time.

You think if she keeps telling this story, someone, and I'm not sure if it is supposed to be her or us, will start to believe it? She's been pushing the retcon on this for quite a while now, and I don't think it's taking. Sorry Laurell, you didn't date, that implies some process by which you tested several possible relationships instead of marrying the guy you where having an affair with. I know the English language presents problems for you and just wanted to clarify to difference. Gotta watch having an affair in public when you are even as minor a celebrity as you are, people notice.

And you might wanna look up the definition of intimidation sometime. I doubt you intimidate people, you probably scare the them silly. People with as many issues as you have tend to do that. Oddly, guys can generally tell in short order when they are dealing with a broken person, some like that, most of us run for the hills.

So clue the first, it isn't your success. It's the fact you're a complete moron, who needs everyone in your life to be an enabler in order to function. It's the fact you can't seem to tell where you stop and your fictional character starts. It's the fact you are almost pathetically desperate to be decades younger than you are, or the fact you seem to want to be a man more than anything else in your life. It's that you seem crushed by the fact your first husband moved on and found a new life for himself, without you. It's the fact that you still have childhood abandonment issues despite being in your forties. It's the fact the only guy you can deal with having a relationship with is a toadying suck up who can't threaten or even approach your supremacy in the household.

There was also this expectiation in my age group and older that divorced meant I was easy. I am not easy in any sense of the word; any man I've ever dated will tell you this. When I was in college men didn't expect sex for the price of dinner and a movie. Somehow in the decade and change I'd been out of the dating pool, they did. If I wanted to sell it, it would go for more than that, and if that's what the man thought, I paid for my own damn dinner. Thanks, anyway.

And there you go, Laurell showing off the depth of your knowledge again. Um, sorry, having seen you in person, it wasn't your age or your divorce that might make people think you where easy. It was the fact you looked like you hadn't been touched in a long while and might be desperate for it, though in most cases that should be enough to keep people from having those interests in the first place.

But younger men, like seven, or more years younger, didn't have the same problems with my job, my success, or my attitude. They also didn't think that sex was an automatic just because I was divorced. I think it's a generational difference. Men in my age bracket were still suffering under the delusion that once you're down a man, you NEED one. To keep you from makng some horrible mistake, modern technology takes the edge off guys, get a grip on your creepy selves.

That's a very specific age difference, guess you couldn't find someone as spineless in that age bracket and had to go looking for someone even less your equal in a relationship. Good thing you've known him since he was a kid right? But wait, you're still trying to claim you dated around a bit...

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

I'm 42 which is only a couple of years younger than Laurell. I can say for an absolute fact that I've dated men my own age who didn't expect sex on the first date (or 10th) and younger men who expect me to 'put out' on the first date. It isn't how old the guy is, it's who he is. Which by the way, is the same for EVERYONE-male, female, young or old-my behavior and their upbringing guides how the end of the night goes.

[pearkiwi.livejournal.com]

He posted the blog before this one too, I think there's just some funky blog error going on. It made me giggle a bit too, though.

[icecreamempress.livejournal.com]

Also, what the CRAP? Laurell and I are roughly the same age, and there was just as much casual sex in my college days as there is today, according to both my anecdata and actual clinical studies.

[suzycat.livejournal.com]

YES. In fact, Laurell being those couple of years older than I am would have gotten started in the pre-HIV, pre-herpes days, when shagging everyone in sight was still not only acceptable, it was almost expected.

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

I don't know if Laurell is a cougar but Lord Almightly her alter ego sure as hell is the worst kind of cougar.

[novadivine.livejournal.com]

I find the best source for the latest definitions on pop culture is the Urban Dictionary. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cougar

An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man. The cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie or milf. Cougars are gaining in popularity -- particularly the true hotties -- as young men find not only a sexual high, but many times a chick with her shit together.

LKH is not a hottie or MILF by most standards, defintely does not have her shit together, and is against casual sex (yeah, I still can't get my head around her hypocrisy there). So, by that definition, she is not a cougar.

[kerame.livejournal.com]

It's so typical that LKH tries to pretend others are being sexist in their judgement of her, while what she really wants is to have all the priveleges of a male chauvinist pig.

She accuses men of attempting to control a relationship and demand sexual favors as the price of a meal, when that's exactly what she did with Jon: insisting that he grow his hair (while bashing Gary for refusing to do so), and wait on her hand and foot because she is the money-making partner, marking her territory by sending him flowers to his workplace every single day for a week ( while implying Gary wasn't "man enough" to appreciate such attention), and blogging that women should only date men who were 30, or at most 35.

[suzycat.livejournal.com]

Ooh, are there back-blogs where I can read evidence of these pearls?