Challenge #11: AB TV Series Pitch
Sep. 10th, 2008 12:48 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
kynekh-amagire.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
lkh_lashoutsDisclaimer: The characters and world of "Anita Blake" are the intellectual property of Laurell K. Hamilton, and are used here without permission in a completely speculative sense.
Disclaimer the Second: I apologize in advance for not taking this seriously. The idea lodged itself in my head and wouldn't let me go, so I decided I might as well inflict it on the rest of you. :>
Dear Ms. Hamilton and Associates;
The Acme Broadcasting Network was pleased to receive your pitch for a television mini-series based on your popular "Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter" novels. However, it is with regret that we inform you we are not interested in pursuing such a production for our network at this time. Our board of directors feels that the young target audience for a vampire/supernatural/crime series will find the sexual content off-putting, while the audience for a steamy/sexy/underworld/stripper drama series will be put off by the vampire angle.
We are sorry that we have no place in our fall lineup for your series. However, we have a sister network in the United Kingdom, where the rules concerning sexual content on television are rather different, and they LOVE the idea of your show and would like to get it into production as soon as possible. Of course, there will have to be some modifications: specifically, the violence will have to be cut back significantly. If we place the show a bit later in the novel series, instead of starting with Guilty Pleasures, this shouldn't be a problem.
With your permission, we have attached to this missive the revised pitch from our U.K. marketing division for THE HARLEQUIN, a sex comedy programme based on your novel of the same title. The series will run six episodes, with an option for six more dependent on ratings.
Please contact our offices in London for any questions, comments, or casting suggestions. We look forward to working on this with you.
Sincerely;
Aaron A. Aaronson,
Director of New Programming
Acme Broadcasting Co., New York, NY
'The Harlequin', Britain's Newest Sex Comedy Smash Hit!
Regular Cast:
Anita Blake. Federal marshal, ex-vampire hunter, now sleeping with the monsters and loving it! Short, spunky, sarcastic, sexy, she's got it all . . . except love. She has a whole harem of men, but not one of them can please her.
Richard. Anita's ex, King of the Werewolves, tormented by the monster inside him. He lusts after Anita but hates himself for being attracted to what she's become. (Ed.: definitely the character the viewers will sympathize with most, the character who comes in to offer a dose of reality when things get out of hand. We want to make him kind of the "Everyman" character, but also heartthrob, a hunk: what are your thoughts on this?)
Jean-Claude. Leader of the Vampires, flamboyantly homosexual, enjoys outlandish costumes and power games with the men around him. Ostensibly attracted to Anita (Ed.: We'd like to make it more clear that it's Anita's power that attracts him, and he's actually repulsed by her body; perhaps voice-overs or flashbacks during the sex scenes to show he's thinking of someone else.)
Nathaniel. Anita's live-in boy toy, loves to cuddle, usually nude. Has floor-length hair; possibly a running gag there of having it shut in doors, stepped on, constantly brushing it, etc. Professional stripper.
Micah. King of the Wereleopards and Anita's main squeeze. Comically huge penis; whoever plays him may have to wear some sort of prosthesis, which is always good for a laugh.
Edward. A federal marshal and monster killer, like Anita but more so, always trying to out-gun her. Sort of a friendly rival who might not be so friendly someday. (Ed.: We'll cut out the whole family-man bit; it doesn't make sense.)
Other Characters:
Malcolm. Vampire televangelist, head of the Church of Eternal Life, the only legal means of recruiting new vampires.
Jason. Jean-Claude's pet werewolf, Anita's agony aunt. Always good for a cup of coffee and a naughty chat. (Ed.: Wonder what he and Jean-Claude get up to when Anita's not around, hmm? Might be a good sub-plot for second half of the series, which is sort of weak on story elements.)
Dolf. Police chief who cleans up Anita's messes; hates her for "switching sides" to join the monsters and doesn't approve of her lifestyle. Anita likes to flaunt her men at him, Nathaniel especially, just to rile him up.
Donovan. King of the were-swans, tends to shape-shift during sex (Ed.: that scene in the novel gave us the idea for the comedy angle). So when Anita calls him in to share her orgiastic power, hilarity ensues.
Claudia. Anita's bodyguard, a were-rat, big and tough and no-nonsense. What Anita wishes she was like.
Asher. Jean-Claude's main squeeze, always trying to keep Anita from finding out what he and Jean-Claude are really doing in their rooms alone. Another running gag.
Bert: Anita's boss, constantly chastising her for showing up at work tired, disheveled and covered in bite marks. Clearly envious of her sex life.
Synopsis:
The things that go bump in the night have legal recognition, and have come out of hiding to live openly among us. They're teachers, lawyers, bodyguards . . . and strippers! This seamy underworld of the monster sex trade is the home of Anita Blake and her harem of were-beasts and vampires, all trying to one-up each other even as they get up on each other! During the day, she's a workaday zombie raiser, trying to protect her reputation . . . but at night, she and the rest of her entourage (known collectively as "The Harlequin" for their gaudy fetish costumes) hit the nightclubs.
The projected series arc will follow the plot of the novel, with the omission of the eponymous "Harlequin" as vampire enforcers. We'd prefer to focus on the relationship angle of the story and the interplay between the various character dynamics, and make Anita and her crew "The Harlequin" of the series instead. Might have to work on that a bit before we get into script-writing, but we're sure it'll work just fine: the plot really is unnecessary to the book, so we're sure it won't be necessary for television!
For the series finale, we're thinking of having Anita wake up in a mental institution, surrounded by cut-out male models from magazines, and having the whole thing be a delusional fantasy derived from her crippling nymphomania, and discovering that all of the "men" in her life are just personified abstractions of her personal issues and problems relating to people. What do you think?
Please get back to us soon!
Disclaimer the Second: I apologize in advance for not taking this seriously. The idea lodged itself in my head and wouldn't let me go, so I decided I might as well inflict it on the rest of you. :>
Dear Ms. Hamilton and Associates;
The Acme Broadcasting Network was pleased to receive your pitch for a television mini-series based on your popular "Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter" novels. However, it is with regret that we inform you we are not interested in pursuing such a production for our network at this time. Our board of directors feels that the young target audience for a vampire/supernatural/crime series will find the sexual content off-putting, while the audience for a steamy/sexy/underworld/stripper drama series will be put off by the vampire angle.
We are sorry that we have no place in our fall lineup for your series. However, we have a sister network in the United Kingdom, where the rules concerning sexual content on television are rather different, and they LOVE the idea of your show and would like to get it into production as soon as possible. Of course, there will have to be some modifications: specifically, the violence will have to be cut back significantly. If we place the show a bit later in the novel series, instead of starting with Guilty Pleasures, this shouldn't be a problem.
With your permission, we have attached to this missive the revised pitch from our U.K. marketing division for THE HARLEQUIN, a sex comedy programme based on your novel of the same title. The series will run six episodes, with an option for six more dependent on ratings.
Please contact our offices in London for any questions, comments, or casting suggestions. We look forward to working on this with you.
Sincerely;
Aaron A. Aaronson,
Director of New Programming
Acme Broadcasting Co., New York, NY
'The Harlequin', Britain's Newest Sex Comedy Smash Hit!
Regular Cast:
Anita Blake. Federal marshal, ex-vampire hunter, now sleeping with the monsters and loving it! Short, spunky, sarcastic, sexy, she's got it all . . . except love. She has a whole harem of men, but not one of them can please her.
Richard. Anita's ex, King of the Werewolves, tormented by the monster inside him. He lusts after Anita but hates himself for being attracted to what she's become. (Ed.: definitely the character the viewers will sympathize with most, the character who comes in to offer a dose of reality when things get out of hand. We want to make him kind of the "Everyman" character, but also heartthrob, a hunk: what are your thoughts on this?)
Jean-Claude. Leader of the Vampires, flamboyantly homosexual, enjoys outlandish costumes and power games with the men around him. Ostensibly attracted to Anita (Ed.: We'd like to make it more clear that it's Anita's power that attracts him, and he's actually repulsed by her body; perhaps voice-overs or flashbacks during the sex scenes to show he's thinking of someone else.)
Nathaniel. Anita's live-in boy toy, loves to cuddle, usually nude. Has floor-length hair; possibly a running gag there of having it shut in doors, stepped on, constantly brushing it, etc. Professional stripper.
Micah. King of the Wereleopards and Anita's main squeeze. Comically huge penis; whoever plays him may have to wear some sort of prosthesis, which is always good for a laugh.
Edward. A federal marshal and monster killer, like Anita but more so, always trying to out-gun her. Sort of a friendly rival who might not be so friendly someday. (Ed.: We'll cut out the whole family-man bit; it doesn't make sense.)
Other Characters:
Malcolm. Vampire televangelist, head of the Church of Eternal Life, the only legal means of recruiting new vampires.
Jason. Jean-Claude's pet werewolf, Anita's agony aunt. Always good for a cup of coffee and a naughty chat. (Ed.: Wonder what he and Jean-Claude get up to when Anita's not around, hmm? Might be a good sub-plot for second half of the series, which is sort of weak on story elements.)
Dolf. Police chief who cleans up Anita's messes; hates her for "switching sides" to join the monsters and doesn't approve of her lifestyle. Anita likes to flaunt her men at him, Nathaniel especially, just to rile him up.
Donovan. King of the were-swans, tends to shape-shift during sex (Ed.: that scene in the novel gave us the idea for the comedy angle). So when Anita calls him in to share her orgiastic power, hilarity ensues.
Claudia. Anita's bodyguard, a were-rat, big and tough and no-nonsense. What Anita wishes she was like.
Asher. Jean-Claude's main squeeze, always trying to keep Anita from finding out what he and Jean-Claude are really doing in their rooms alone. Another running gag.
Bert: Anita's boss, constantly chastising her for showing up at work tired, disheveled and covered in bite marks. Clearly envious of her sex life.
Synopsis:
The things that go bump in the night have legal recognition, and have come out of hiding to live openly among us. They're teachers, lawyers, bodyguards . . . and strippers! This seamy underworld of the monster sex trade is the home of Anita Blake and her harem of were-beasts and vampires, all trying to one-up each other even as they get up on each other! During the day, she's a workaday zombie raiser, trying to protect her reputation . . . but at night, she and the rest of her entourage (known collectively as "The Harlequin" for their gaudy fetish costumes) hit the nightclubs.
The projected series arc will follow the plot of the novel, with the omission of the eponymous "Harlequin" as vampire enforcers. We'd prefer to focus on the relationship angle of the story and the interplay between the various character dynamics, and make Anita and her crew "The Harlequin" of the series instead. Might have to work on that a bit before we get into script-writing, but we're sure it'll work just fine: the plot really is unnecessary to the book, so we're sure it won't be necessary for television!
For the series finale, we're thinking of having Anita wake up in a mental institution, surrounded by cut-out male models from magazines, and having the whole thing be a delusional fantasy derived from her crippling nymphomania, and discovering that all of the "men" in her life are just personified abstractions of her personal issues and problems relating to people. What do you think?
Please get back to us soon!
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Date: 2008-09-10 08:20 pm (UTC)And buy the DVDs.
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Date: 2008-09-10 08:22 pm (UTC)I ESPECIALLY love the last paragraph.
Wish that was what the books were going to end with...A+, WOULD LOL AGAIN.
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Date: 2008-09-10 08:23 pm (UTC)Now all we need is a nice plate of sardines. >) *gryns, ducks, runs*
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Date: 2008-09-10 09:40 pm (UTC)No, I haven't forgotten the sardines. What a surprise. I suppose I'd better go fix myself another plate of sardines to celebrate.
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Date: 2008-09-11 02:40 am (UTC)Although this line has a whole new meaning considering the subject of this post... XD
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Date: 2008-09-11 06:27 am (UTC)Your pitch wins, too. I'd watch it.
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Date: 2008-09-11 06:29 am (UTC)As long as they tell you "yeah, we know it's shit, but isn't it funny shit?" I can deal^^
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Date: 2008-09-11 03:33 pm (UTC)[catches breath]
Wonderful! This wins the Internet!
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Date: 2008-09-11 08:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-09-12 08:40 pm (UTC)Micah. King of the Wereleopards and Anita's main squeeze. Comically huge penis; whoever plays him may have to wear some sort of prosthesis, which is always good for a laugh.
I was skimming the comm and misread these two, which lead to a vision of Aristophanes-style strap-ons, which *were* often long enough to be shut in doors, stepped on, etc.
Micah should have one of those. :D