Your predictions for Affliction?
Mar. 3rd, 2013 08:49 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
guardians-song.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
lkh_lashoutsNow, we know that this book's production was rather strange. We heard about sex toys being used for rescue gear, rock-climbing to a vampire's lair, and a generic-movie-zombie plot turning into a generic-screw-the-sexy-vampire plot midway through. We also heard about missed deadlines, runaway plots, and Edward possibly being haremified.
So what are your guesses for whatever malformed product will lumber onto the shelves come summer?
My guesses:
Chapter 1-12: Anita introduces us to her sweeties (AGAIN), and proceeds to have a five-way orgy with characters determined by Random.org. There is probably a passive-aggressive dig at people asking Hamilton for the new Merry book. At the end, Micah finally gets around to asking Anita about accompanying him to see his dying father.
Chapter 13: Anita is afraid of planes. Anita is afraid of planes. Anita is afraid of planes. Also, she doesn't like planes!
Chapter 14: We recap Blood Noir for no good reason.
Chapter 15: We finally get around to seeing Micah's hometown... for one page.
Chapter 16-26: Micah's father is deathly ill, and Anita promptly ignores him in order to talk down to qualified physicians, policemen, taxi drivers, phone sex chat operators, politicians, high-school principals, construction workers, professors, and janitors. At the end, she dry-humps a mop while musing on whether or not anyone has a point about her being oversexed.
Chapter 27-45: Anita gets into pissing matches with the local cops. There are ritual recitations of her scars, her weaponry, and her titles, none of which will ever be relevant to the story. In the background, Nathaniel Tweets "want 2b u, asher :( soooo bored w anita rite now", "meet me 4 bdsm @ local pub @ 5, ok? ttyl, plot about 2 move again", and "nvm, false alarm".
Chapter 46-49: ZOMBIE FIGHT!!!
Chapter 50 and Chapter 51: Well, you know.
Chapter 52-56: Edward wanders in and tries not to slip on the bodily fluids. Anita has a friendly chat with him, during which he gives her the entire backstory of the zombie virus, the main villain, and his local postal worker's fifth cousin's second son's third parakeet. Meanwhile, he surreptitiously sprays Essence of Tall, Skinny Blonde Female on and around his privates in a desperate attempt to ward off the Doomcrotch. It remains to be seen whether he will be successful.
Chapter 57-62: There is some kind of disaster, but Anita saves the day by deploying sex toys to ward off the villains. The zombies are either laughing so hard or fleeing so quickly to avoid haremification that they are rendered incapacitated, and the actual police destroy them with ease. Anita sneers and critiques their gunwork as she sits back on a lawnchair, Dev and Nathaniel painting her toenails, and plays Angry Birds on her iPhone. There is at least one chapter dedicated to her musings on how she can identify with the deep-seated rage of the birds and their fight against the jealous whiner green pigs of the world.
Chapter 62-70: Much preternatural politics and thumb-twiddling, during which the Doomcrotch engulfs at least one new harem member. Lashers, start your prayers now that it won't be Edward. The chapters look exciting, with potential for actual danger and conflict, until Anita saves the day with a deus ex machina...
Chapter 71: [INSERT PLOT EXPLANATION HERE, WHAT DOES WERETIGER UNDERWEAR LOOK LIKE?? DID THEY EVEN WEAR ANY]
Chapter 72: The location of the main villain's lair is infodumped by a lieutenant who defected in order to end the book already, a la Divine Misdemeanors and Kiss the Dead.
Chapter 73: Anita tests her understanding. The lieutenant curls up in a sobbing ball in the floor, murmuring "Kill me now" and "Death before Doomcrotch".
Chapter 74-76: Anita infodumps about rockclimbing. She manages to get every single detail wrong.
Chapter 77-78: FIGHT! Er... SEXFIGHT!
Chapter 79-81: METAPHYSICAL FIGHT! MUCH SPILLING!
Chapter 82-96: SEX! ANGST! TRAUMA! THE PENIS THAT NOBODY COULD LOVE! It turns out that the main vampire villain is the twin brother of an ancestor of Micah's, and has his own Dongzilla! But, alas, he is too wounded to heal (and has too much of a love for tall, skinny blondes), so he must be put down. Not before Anita samples his Wonderprick, of course. What do you take her for?
Chapter 97-99: Anita, Micah, and miscellaneous harem members have a long, soulful wrap-up of plot threads established during the book and [INSERT REST OF CHAPTER HERE, WHAT IS AN EDITOR??? DO I EVEN HAVE ANY]
Chapter 100: Epilogue! There are numerous ideas mentioned that won't go anywhere, anything interesting is shot, killed, and buried at midnight off-page, and Anita ends by whining about her own family issues and her inability to maintain a harem that doubles as its own small business. Her final line is "But there are some things that just aren't covered under Obamacare, and relationship issues is [sic] one of them."
Yes? No? Oh sweet Dracula no? Your thoughts?
So what are your guesses for whatever malformed product will lumber onto the shelves come summer?
My guesses:
Chapter 1-12: Anita introduces us to her sweeties (AGAIN), and proceeds to have a five-way orgy with characters determined by Random.org. There is probably a passive-aggressive dig at people asking Hamilton for the new Merry book. At the end, Micah finally gets around to asking Anita about accompanying him to see his dying father.
Chapter 13: Anita is afraid of planes. Anita is afraid of planes. Anita is afraid of planes. Also, she doesn't like planes!
Chapter 14: We recap Blood Noir for no good reason.
Chapter 15: We finally get around to seeing Micah's hometown... for one page.
Chapter 16-26: Micah's father is deathly ill, and Anita promptly ignores him in order to talk down to qualified physicians, policemen, taxi drivers, phone sex chat operators, politicians, high-school principals, construction workers, professors, and janitors. At the end, she dry-humps a mop while musing on whether or not anyone has a point about her being oversexed.
Chapter 27-45: Anita gets into pissing matches with the local cops. There are ritual recitations of her scars, her weaponry, and her titles, none of which will ever be relevant to the story. In the background, Nathaniel Tweets "want 2b u, asher :( soooo bored w anita rite now", "meet me 4 bdsm @ local pub @ 5, ok? ttyl, plot about 2 move again", and "nvm, false alarm".
Chapter 46-49: ZOMBIE FIGHT!!!
Chapter 50 and Chapter 51: Well, you know.
Chapter 52-56: Edward wanders in and tries not to slip on the bodily fluids. Anita has a friendly chat with him, during which he gives her the entire backstory of the zombie virus, the main villain, and his local postal worker's fifth cousin's second son's third parakeet. Meanwhile, he surreptitiously sprays Essence of Tall, Skinny Blonde Female on and around his privates in a desperate attempt to ward off the Doomcrotch. It remains to be seen whether he will be successful.
Chapter 57-62: There is some kind of disaster, but Anita saves the day by deploying sex toys to ward off the villains. The zombies are either laughing so hard or fleeing so quickly to avoid haremification that they are rendered incapacitated, and the actual police destroy them with ease. Anita sneers and critiques their gunwork as she sits back on a lawnchair, Dev and Nathaniel painting her toenails, and plays Angry Birds on her iPhone. There is at least one chapter dedicated to her musings on how she can identify with the deep-seated rage of the birds and their fight against the jealous whiner green pigs of the world.
Chapter 62-70: Much preternatural politics and thumb-twiddling, during which the Doomcrotch engulfs at least one new harem member. Lashers, start your prayers now that it won't be Edward. The chapters look exciting, with potential for actual danger and conflict, until Anita saves the day with a deus ex machina...
Chapter 71: [INSERT PLOT EXPLANATION HERE, WHAT DOES WERETIGER UNDERWEAR LOOK LIKE?? DID THEY EVEN WEAR ANY]
Chapter 72: The location of the main villain's lair is infodumped by a lieutenant who defected in order to end the book already, a la Divine Misdemeanors and Kiss the Dead.
Chapter 73: Anita tests her understanding. The lieutenant curls up in a sobbing ball in the floor, murmuring "Kill me now" and "Death before Doomcrotch".
Chapter 74-76: Anita infodumps about rockclimbing. She manages to get every single detail wrong.
Chapter 77-78: FIGHT! Er... SEXFIGHT!
Chapter 79-81: METAPHYSICAL FIGHT! MUCH SPILLING!
Chapter 82-96: SEX! ANGST! TRAUMA! THE PENIS THAT NOBODY COULD LOVE! It turns out that the main vampire villain is the twin brother of an ancestor of Micah's, and has his own Dongzilla! But, alas, he is too wounded to heal (and has too much of a love for tall, skinny blondes), so he must be put down. Not before Anita samples his Wonderprick, of course. What do you take her for?
Chapter 97-99: Anita, Micah, and miscellaneous harem members have a long, soulful wrap-up of plot threads established during the book and [INSERT REST OF CHAPTER HERE, WHAT IS AN EDITOR??? DO I EVEN HAVE ANY]
Chapter 100: Epilogue! There are numerous ideas mentioned that won't go anywhere, anything interesting is shot, killed, and buried at midnight off-page, and Anita ends by whining about her own family issues and her inability to maintain a harem that doubles as its own small business. Her final line is "But there are some things that just aren't covered under Obamacare, and relationship issues is [sic] one of them."
Yes? No? Oh sweet Dracula no? Your thoughts?
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Date: 2013-03-06 02:14 am (UTC)So was she a super-butch woman from the ghetto with cornrows?
no subject
Date: 2013-03-06 02:46 am (UTC)But then again I am still very bitter about the entire thing so this might be a little skewed.
no subject
Date: 2013-03-06 06:03 pm (UTC)Clearly LKH knows nothing about the uniform and underarmor. The lady-cop I road with for class was very petite, and very feminine. But even her curves were swallowed up. But that's kind of the point because you don't want the gangbangers and shit eyeing them like they're possible targets to rape and fuck later. Women on the force get enough sexist shit from the men on the force, "jokingly" of course, so they don't need it to demean them out on the streets. If they looked like the sexy lady-cops that are portrayed in the Halloween costumes, no one would take them seriously. Jesus Christ, LKH...
But then again I am still very bitter about the entire thing so this might be a little skewed.
I'm bitter and I didn't even read it...
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Date: 2013-03-06 06:11 pm (UTC)Warning: the spork is excellent, but the content still burns.
no subject
Date: 2013-03-07 04:30 am (UTC)Edit post-read:
Ugh, that's... painful. Granted, she got some facts wrong about cops (like Karlton saying that as police, their primary job is to protect the people, which is correct. They do that by apprehending suspects/etc), but still.
Also I kinda chuckled when she pointed out that Karlton was only okay with Anita being curvy and small when she announced that she had Latina in her, whereas LKH is short and curvy but as pale as the white background on this page. So, way to break your own White Women are All Skinny Bitches stereotype in the AB-verse, LKH.
And, except for when it was pointed out, I pictured pretty much any African-American woman with an athletic build, and not some big hulking muscular one.
LKH is just full of fail.