Blogflog - Father's Day 2015

[blogfloggery.livejournal.com]

Link: Father's Day 2015
Disclaimer: This blog entry is verbatim, as originally posted on LKH's blog. Copyright belongs to Ma Petite Enterprises.
Mod note: Photo not included in this blogflog because it features Trinity as a child.

The photo with this blog is of my husband, Jonathon, and our daughter, Trinity. Sometimes I forget how very small she was when I divorced and was suddenly dating again. Jonathon was the only boyfriend I ever introduced her to, because he was the only one I was ever serious about. I think we married within a year of this picture. My second, his first, and he became a stepdad before he was ever a dad. He became Daddy-Jon because Trinity wanted a way to keep her two dads separate when she talked about them, so it was Daddy-Jon and Daddy-G. Trinity truly feels she has two fathers, and Jon felt that he had a great kid and there was no need for a second one, because biology doesn’t make you a dad. Being there daily makes you a dad. Jonathon watched the Barbie Nutcracker movie twelve times in a row when Trinity had the flu once. Only a parent does that for his sick kid. He taught her how to fence using boffer weapons so that she was so deadly in stage combat at drama camp that she had to bow out. “The other girl just kept dropping her guard, mom, I couldn’t help myself.” A dad is the person who comes limping in with the limping child after that infamous bicycle riding lesson. A dad is all that and so much more.

It is through watching first my ex, and then Jonathon, with Trinity that I began to understand what a father does because I never had one of my own. I was a fatherless child, and by age six I was a motherless one, too. My grandmother raised me without any men around the house, so I had no clue what a father, or a husband for that matter, was supposed to do. I always felt very left out on this holiday as a child. I think it was one of the reasons I worked hard to make sure my ex stayed invested in Trinity’s life, so that she had two dads where I’d had none. The three of us even went to parent-teacher conferences for Trinity. There was no fighting amongst us at school events, because my ex-husband and I both agreed that our daughter didn’t divorce anyone, that was us, so we vowed never to bad mouth each other in front of her and to act like civilized grownups at school functions or anything that involved our child. I am happy to say that with almost no exceptions we accomplished that. Was it easy? No. Was it worth it for our kid? Yes.

Trinity is twenty now, but she still has two dads for Father’s Day. I’ve now watched dear friends dance with their fathers at their weddings, and thanks to Genevieve and her father, I’m learning that even when you’re very grownup, a dad is still important to a daughter. Thanks to Jonathon and Spike I’m learning about sons and fathers, too. A dad is someone you can turn to for advice, someone you just want to keep involved in your life, because you love them.

People keep asking me why I haven’t shown my fictional character Anita Blake on stage with her dad, and the honest answer is because I didn’t know what a dad was for, or how a grown child interacts with one. I would take my character Jason back to visit his father in Blood Noir, but that father was dying of cancer and their relationship was strained at best, so it didn’t really force me to show a healthy father/child relationship. Then in Affliction we went back home with Micah and it was his father who was dying in the hospital of a mysterious disease. Micah loved his father, but the dad spent most of the book unconscious, so I didn’t have to deal with it on stage much. It would take me a year after I wrote Affliction and had fans complaining that I had another father in hospital like Jason’s father, before I both realized that it was similar and understood why I’d done it. The short answer is that I don’t know what a father is for, and I certainly don’t know what a healthy father/daughter relationship is supposed to be. I realize now that is why Anita’s family has never been on stage. I don’t know what a family is for like that, not a dad-mom-sibling kind of family, because I never had one of those. Maybe as Trinity gets older, I’ll understand it more. Maybe watching Jonathon, Spike, and Genevieve interact with their families as adults will help me understand what it’s supposed to be like to be a grown woman that still has a relationship with their family of birth – the family that raised them.

Comments

[lliira (from livejournal.com)]

Jonathon was the only boyfriend I ever introduced her to

Because he was the only one you had. C'mon Laurell, you've put enough info out there for us to connect the dots, you don't have to pretend.

I am happy to say that with almost no exceptions we accomplished that. Was it easy? No.

First of all, no, Laurell, YOU did not accomplish that. You've badmouthed your ex in public all over the place: on your blogs, in your books, in your book acknowledgements... We've all seen your passive-aggressive swipes, and more than swipes, against the poor guy. Second, "almost" no exceptions? Urgh.

Most writers are able to write things they haven't personally experienced. That's kind of what being a writer of fiction means. Most human beings, period, are able to imagine things they haven't experienced, especially stuff that's as common as what she's talking about here. And she hasn't bothered to watch the way other families behave before now? Ever?

She managed to never write Gary's name once.

[suzycat.livejournal.com]

Was it ever clarified why they broke up? Because despite the way LKH tries to give the impression that she was the one who did the leaving, her negativity towards him decades later implies something different.

I'd say it's not our business but she does rather make it our business.

[lliira (from livejournal.com)]

If Gary ever did anything truly bad, I'm sure she'd be all over it constantly, both in her blog posts and in her in-book slams at Richard. But the only hints -- and in the books, they're more like anvils -- have been that he wanted to be monogamous. And really hates Nathaniel and Micah.

[plum-arden.livejournal.com]

I read this entry like yesterday, and since then have been thinking about it here and there. Her referring to Trinity as "our daughter" in relation to Jon offends me. I am a step-parent, and while I've been in her life since she was 19 months old, and helped potty train this girl, I would never refer to her as "our daughter" when speaking about her. To me that's just a slap toward her mother. And while I may not like the woman, she's still my step-daughter's mother. She's been there the girl's entire life. I get that Laurell doesn't like Gary, she's made that more than crystal clear. But, Gary is still Trinity's father, and is still involved in her life. He didn't divorce her. And Trinity wanting a way to keep the father's separated...or was that Laurell's idea? Like I said, I've been around my step-daughter the majority of her life, and she calls me by my first name. If she'd wanted to give me a nickname, I'd have been fine with that, it was totally her choice. But, I wouldn't have wanted "Mom" or any form as long as her mother was in her life. It's an insult.

Ok, I think I've ranted enough. Poor Trinity. She's 20...run. Run away!

[suzycat.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it makes me uncomfortable too, but I guess some people do think that way. I have met people who have the two daddies thing in much the same way Trinity does.

My brother is a step-dad and he was never called anything but his first name by his step-son, who he met aged 4; his biological son, that boy's half-brother, calls him Dad. I call him my nephew and sometimes my step-nephew or half-nephew, when explaining it to others.

[desert-vixen.livejournal.com]

I do call my stepfather by his nickname (Butch) like the majority of the world - while I love him very much and he's a huge part of my life, Dad/Daddy is reserved for my father. My parents have always been good about respecting that (other family members not so much) - Daddy G just sounds silly and made-up for one's own father.

There have been some interesting moments because of it, like a running gag between me and my (half)brothers - we never use the discriminator - about "your dad" or "my dad", but my stepfather's not threatened by me not calling him Dad.

Also BS on the "I didn't know what dads did" - maybe not the intimate knowledge of one particular relationship, but come on! That's another thing, though - LKH doesn't seem to be good about realizing that it's possible to have different dynamics in a type of relationship.

[magdalen77.livejournal.com]

Like I said on Amazon. LaLa and Jonboi might refer to her ex as "Daddy G", but I doubt her daughter does or did. That's just more of LaLa trying erase her ex from her life. I've been with the man since his oldest grandchild was tiny and they don't refer to me as grandma anything. They call me "Miss Maggie". As do his kids. That was how he introduced me to them.

[fadeinthewash.livejournal.com]

The thing that gets me is not the "daddy" part but the suggestion that Trinity would call her bio-dad by his first name or even a first initial, if I take LKH literally. And that it would be her own idea!

[magdalen77.livejournal.com]

I'm fairly sure it was LaLa's idea and her daughter merely went along with it when she was at home with her mother and Jonboi. I know from my cousin's kids that they'll do almost anything to keep peace with their crazy mother (my cousin, her ex is a good guy, none of us understood why he married her). They've been divorced for something like 35 years and she's been remarried for 25 of them, but she still can't let things go. Sound familiar?

[dreamstrifer.livejournal.com]

I know every family in this situation is different... for instance my nephew calls both my brother and his stepdad "Daddy", but when he's talking about them to other people he calls his stepdad "Darryl." His stepdad is the father in their family unit, but he still fully acknowledges that my brother is his father as well in the other family unit (My brother remarried and my nephew calls his stepmom by her first name) and my ex-sister-in-law does as well and doesn't play these passive aggressive games. She never would, but if I heard her say things like this like LKH is doing, I would be so upset, and I know it would break my brother's heart. Divorced and blended families can be very confusing, and if she really did work well with Gary after the divorce then that's wonderful. But she's never hesitated to be passive aggressive when talking about him on her public blog.

[plum-arden.livejournal.com]

That may be what bothers me, all the shots she's taken at Gary over the years. I know for me, if my step-daughter's mother had not been in the picture, and I adopted her or something, and she wanted to call me some form of mom, then maybe. But, it all seems to work for us.

My father was not in the picture at all when I was growing up. He walked away. I remember telling my mom at one point that should she remarry, I doubt I'd call the guy dad. I was much older, so it would have been a bit hard for me.

Oh, and because of that, I find her BS about not knowing what a dad did, or a husband to be just that, BS. I didn't have a dad, and I knew because of friends. Did LKH have no friends? Was her grandmother not an adequate mother figure? It's just all more "oh, I'm so pitiful" for her fire.

[rodentfanatic.livejournal.com]

Wait, did LKH's dad die? I thought her background was like Anita's, with her grandma moving in to help raise her after her mom died and her dad being busy. Maybe that's what she means by having been "fatherless" but she's making it sound like he died...and if she is indeed just omitting that fact to make it sound like she was an actual orphan, that's pretty damn tasteless.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

As far as I know, no he's not dead. IIRC there's a blog about how he showed up at her mother's funeral and relatives made him leave and he's never been part of her life.

[rodentfanatic.livejournal.com]

Wait, did LKH's dad die? I thought her background was like Anita's, with her grandma moving in to help raise her after her mom died and her dad being busy. Maybe that's what she means by having been "fatherless" but she's making it sound like he died...and if she is indeed just omitting that fact to make it sound like she was an actual orphan, that's pretty damn tasteless.

[jessica collett (from livejournal.com)]

Well, this makes me uncomfortable. Hugely. If my mother wrote or said this about my stepfather in a public forum, while casually insinuating that my father was never a good father to me, I would so angry. My stepfather's great, I love him a lot, but he's not my father. I would also be mortified to have my childhood aired in such a public way. I hope that some permission was sought before she wrote this post, because it would be humiliating to find out about this after the fact.