Blogflog: Behave yourselves

[pith]

Link: http://blog.laurellkhamilton.org/2007/04/behave-yourselves.html
LKH in bold.


If it's a novel-lite then I have to stay on target and not throw in so many tangential mysteries.

To be fair, I haven't read Micah. But from what I've heard, its problems do not stem from "tangential mysteries". Rather, it seems to suffer from Penis Overcompensation Syndrome (which conveniently has the same acronym as Piece Of Shit).

If it's a novel than I can throw in anything I want including the bathroom sink.

In which case "anything" does not include the following: plot, substance, decent grammar and punctuation, character development, etc. Wow. I never realized "anything" excluded so many things!

Although I'm worried about the bathroom sink. I mean, I was the person who inflicted Micah fucking the bathtub upon the world. What if I gave her ideas? *cringes*

What is this novel/ novel-lite idea about? You really want to know? If I tell you, do you promise not to bug Darla and the other board moderators.

My initial response was "Gag me with a wooden spoon", which yes, I know is horribly outdated. We aren't 5. I certainly hope Kindergarteners aren't reading her tripe. Then we're going to have an entire sexually-demented generation on our hands. Eeek.

But I like this rabbit. I like it very much. It was fun to write and it was quick. Quick like a bunny is a good sign.

Much like "Eat that, Dr. Bush", this mocks itself, really. It's so considerate of her to do our work for us. It gives us time for real Internet use, so we can read porn that is good and free, unlike hers, which is insipid and expensive.

If you promise not to pester people about when it will come out, because they won't know, or for details, which they won't have, I'll tell you what the idea is about. Do you promise? Really, promise?

I imagine this is the cutesy voice she uses with her dogs. And probably Jon. Honestly, though, does she expect a reply? Are "the majority" going to flood her e-mail and say "Oh, please, Laurell, we'll be ever so good! Please tell us!" It's like… bad movie dominatrixes, where you can tell the actresses think that all they have to do is wear a corset and flick a whip and they're good to go.


I should have known Jason was talking hard in my head when I purposefully tried not to use his mug this morning.

Does anyone else have horrible visions of her kitchen? With sections in the cupboards, and little labels saying this is Doyle's bowl and Jason's cup and Nathaniel's vanilla extract and Asher's aloe vera and so on? Yikes.

That, and I had an icky rendition of "Talk Dirty to Me" invoked by that. Talk harder to me, Jason! Harder! Make it hurt! Oh! OHHHHH! Harder! Harder, please! Fill my brain! OHHHHH YESSSSS!

Excuse me. I'm going to wash out my brain now.

Comments

[thekiwiwhoflew.livejournal.com]

Rather, it seems to suffer from Penis Overcompensation Syndrome (which conveniently has the same acronym as Piece Of Shit).

Oh, thank you, sweet Pith. The laughter was there to hide the tears. The bitter, bitter tears.

[saucyirishlass.livejournal.com]

That, and I had an icky rendition of "Talk Dirty to Me" invoked by that. Talk harder to me, Jason! Harder! Make it hurt! Oh! OHHHHH! Harder! Harder, please! Fill my brain! OHHHHH YESSSSS!

You rock so much, you know that?

Jason is the last character that she hasn't fully assassinated yet, now that Podward is on the scene. Mostly because Jason has been mostly AWOL, except when Laurita needs him for sex. Then he's gone and doesn't have to join the angst-fest or swoon all over Anita. Jason's nature has kept him from suffering too hard a blow this far, I think, but even he is subject to the Pr0n Queen.

But if I have to read about him defending Laurita's actions, I may be finished with the books completely. Except for those occasions where I just can't help myself and flip open to a random page and shut it before my brain hurts too much.

[witchwillow.livejournal.com]

Stab. Die. Bitch

I... I'll be a part of this community and read the book flogs and sure as hell mock them. But the blogs?

I'm so angry. I'm so pissed. It's so unfair. I know skilled writers. And they have all these problems when it comes to writing; brain surgery, backs gone out, job done fire them. And they struggle and they write and they're looking to be published.

And she just....

It's like she's consistently making a mockery of those of us dealing with daily pain and dealing with our mental health and trying to find safe places to write and worrying about what we're writing, both from a technical and engaging pov and from a 'what are we promoting' pov.

*breathes*

novel-lite

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

What the heck is a novel-lite. I thought short novels were called novellas. Can I be special like LKH and invent a whole category of books?

Re: novel-lite

[saucyirishlass.livejournal.com]

That word alone makes me want to bitchslap her. Not the pr0n, not the lack of plot, not the rampant character assassination, not the massive grammatical error and misspellings... That word alone'll do it.

And it's not like Micah was even a novella! With all the wide margins, double-spaced large text with a blank page between chapters, that thing was a goddamn short story getting sold like a full-length novel and everybody knows it.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

I probably wouldn't want to smack her so hard if she'd just been consistent in how she referrs to the novel-lite...as sometimes it's hyphonated and sometimes it's not. If only she showed half as much dedication to spelling things incorrectly like she does with "loose" vs "lose" in her own made up words as well as typos of choice.

But if you want an example on how Micah failed to be even a novella (maybe that's what this whole novel-lite thing refers to? Not just a LITE novel, but a a novella now with 99% less fat plot?) I scanned in some pages (http://community.livejournal.com/muse_abuse/16618.html).

Micah

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

You're my hero.

Poor little Micah. Not worthy of a plot or even a visit to the grammar factory. Instead he's stuck with weird sentence structure, excessive commas, emasculation, fear of homosexual sex and, of course a sad and tragic history.

Poor Jason. I liked you. You were fun, short haired and didn't take yourself too seriously. By the time you've been novel-lited (hey I can make up words too) you'll be stuck with a weird sentence structure, excessive commas, emasculation, fear or homosexual sex and a sad and tragic history.

Re: Micah

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

Sorry about the "a weird sentence structure" I accidently posted without previewing.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

SRSLY, Micah essentially stole Richard's schtick...literally. It's bad enough that when Jason turned up, he was the Deep Philosophical One With Great Insight Into Anita's Life and How To Fix It (and then to be totally ignored, because...phh, Anita? Do something other than sex away her problems? AHHH HA HA HA HA HA! Like it'll ever happen.) and that he "took one for the team" *cries*...I don't want to see him subjected to being novel-lited. I want him to hide a dead fish in the back of Anita's car, then pack JC's wardrobe so he can join JC, Asher and Sigmund on a trek to San Francisco.

Also to be kind, I updated this comm's wiki with novel-lite's origins (http://lkhlashouts.wikispaces.com/novel-lite). I actually trolled her blog to find its first appearance. I feel slightly soiled.

novel-lite

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

I never thought I cared that much about grammar until LKH.

From the OED

novella
no·vel·la / nōˈvelə/
• n. a short novel or long short story.

Note: The OED does not define a novella as a specific length. However, it is generally assumed that under 15,000 words is a short story and over 60,000 is a novel. Therefore a novella would cover everything else.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

That's the basic outline that I read in the style manuals too. Srsly, just because it's a long novella doesn't mean it needs to have a new term coined. *stabs novel-lite* LKH, not a clever term. I will now mentally stab at Jon for coming up with this monstrosity.

Re: novel-lite

[slayra.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's a 'light/lite' novel. The same amount of horrible sex and two dimensional characters now with 50% less calories plot, coherency, character and story development and most important of all... PAGES! Guaranteed you will finish it in less than 2 hours. And with less words there are probably (probably) less spelling mistakes. :p

Re: novel-lite

[rozasharn.livejournal.com]

Novels are book-length works of fiction.
Novellas are a bit shorter.
Novellettes are even shorter, like how cigarettes are smaller than cigars.
Anything smaller than that is a short story.

My best guess is that LKH is dyslexically trying to write 'novellette' and accidentally making a Freudian slip.

[delphinapterus.livejournal.com]

She's just going after all the characters that haven't totally been deep sixed yet, isn't she? First Edward and now Jason. Who is next? Bets, place your bets.

[saucyirishlass.livejournal.com]

Well, Lord, is there anybody even left to bet on?

....

..

NOT ZERBROWSKI!!!

[slayra.livejournal.com]

at this point I wouldn't exclude that option. Or Bert (oh my... guh!). Or anything male, like random strangers in the sidewalk. Oh the bad mental images!!!

[callidamates.livejournal.com]

After weeks of reading the lashouts archives and resisting posting, I finally created a LJ just so I could say this:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! :'(

Oh, Jason! I shall weep for you, much like I weep for the fall of Rome and for the ice cream that falls off my cone and splatters on the ground. For you, too, will be sullied and unclean after this new novel(or diet novel), Jason, and there will be no remedy. No ointment will ever relieve your newly-gained disease, whatever it may be.

And to LKH- you see that guy in my icon? Yeah, he's giving you that so hard. Harder than ever before. And if anyone should know hard, my dear, it's you.

[saucyirishlass.livejournal.com]

Not that I don't love me some Latin, but the Romans totally had it coming. The Anitaverse characters did nothing to deserve this. Just... grr... so much stabnation!

[catskin.livejournal.com]

This whole novel-lite thing drives me crazy. Not only is the word itself intolerably annoying, butMicah was a complete rip-off, barely worth the paper it was printed on.

The whole thing is just another example of her publishers milking her for every last penny because they know the Troo Fans will buy anything with her name on. If she shat in an envelope and called it Anita #16, they'd buy it.

Hey, I think I just stumbled upon LKH's writing process...

[sharkbytes.livejournal.com]

What a passive-aggressive way of begging her readers to question her about her new little side project. Not to mention, the whole concept of a "novel-lite" is ripping off your readers and teasing them with ideas that you don't want to spend an entire novel exploring, since you'd be forced to work out the plot holes.

Micah was bad. It reminded me of a television episode of some crappy program that wanted a series about police procedure/crime, but didn't bother researching it. So all we got were a few bad segues, 2 or 3 YAABIs, a large peen on the loose, and giant margins that would make any grad student blush. And here she is, dangling the prospect of another crapfest and hoping her public will take a bite. *vomit*

[arclights.livejournal.com]

Ah I totally made the mistake of reading Micah, too. And then proceeded to stomp about my house for a few hours going "Wtf!? What about the zombie?" The end was like trying to watch the end of a movie while your obnoxious roommates are fucking ridiculously loud on the couch next to you and you miss it for the OH OH HAAARDER auuuuuugh wtf Laurell.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

Srsly, the plotholes in that book were big enough to drive a starfleet through. *headdesk*

But oh, Anita's amazing ability to absorb exposition by osmosis cracks me right the hell up.

[slayra.livejournal.com]

I read your post and I feel I read most of the book by the quotes (and commentary) you made. *grins*

[dwg.livejournal.com]

YAY! My aim is for the recap to be like reading the book without having to read the book. To think, it all started way back with ID. Now I have to go through the rest of the series. Whee!

[saadiira.livejournal.com]

I now read your commentaries INSTEAD of the books.

I actually ENJOY what you write.

-Dira-

[slayra.livejournal.com]

I haven't read Micah (and don't intend to), but I was surprised a novella could even be published in hardcover. It's a terrible waste in my opinion, but what do I know (here all books are published as 'large-format paperbacks', either you are a first time author or a bestselling one)? Still, the paperback was hideous (cover and font). It discouraged me from buying and reading it (not to mention the fact that Micah is my least favorite character of all times).

[ladymina.livejournal.com]

novel-lite? Short story for the price of a book, except less action than in a short story and more whining
Gah

[runwiththestorm.livejournal.com]

If it's a novel-lite then I have to stay on target and not throw in so many tangential mysteries.

Since when was there any sort of main mystery in her books? Aside from whom Anita is going to fuck next, anyway. Much less any tangential ones...

[dwg.livejournal.com]

Dude, scanning over her blog, she's been bitching about writing a Jason novellite for the last two years. So...this...actually isn't that much of a strain to figure out. Hell, IIRC, The Harlequin was meant to be the Edward novellite, only he got too demanding and we wound up with a novel.

I...just...this was so painful to read. I may well develop a vicodin addiction just to help me through my daily internerd intake. And then I'll become a highly successful, but gimpy, doctor with an acidic wit and attractive scruff.