(no subject)

[drho.livejournal.com]

Source:  one (Rowling wank), two (Brit wank), three (laundry wank), four (office wank), five (santa wank), six (unfathomable ego wank).      

 

http://blog.laurellkhamilton.org/2007/11/getting-back-into-swing-and-amazon-news.html

1.  Getting back into the swing, and Amazon news

 

I finally decided to let my imagination choose whichever seemed most fun at the moment. I've never done that before. . .

 

Imagine there’s no Laurell.  It’s easy if you try . . . . No wank below us.  Above us only sky.

Some may say she’s a snowflake, but she’s not the only one. . . .

 

[T]he pages aren't the next Anita book after BLOOD NOIR, but probably the book after that. Talk about getting a jump on things. 

 

LKH wanking two books ahead.  Impressive.

 

{Insert brag about Amazon.com sales and wank about wanting to be J.K. Rowling.}  

 

Oh LKH.  Whenever shall you, J.K., and “Niel” Gaiman have the chance to wallow in your genius?  *cries a single emo tear*

 

Wank in Sum:  If J.K. Rowing had a galleon for every LKH name drop, she’d be Oprah rich.

 

http://blog.laurellkhamilton.org/2007/11/seventh-merry-book-has-begun.html

2.  The Seventh Merry book has begun

 

The Brits only got to see us briefly, since England was a family vacation, and we protected that fact from getting too business oriented.

 

LEAVE BRITAIN ALONE!!   LEAVE IT ALOOOOONE! 

I had one of those weekends that women get. When I was full of ideas for what we could do today. Errands, tasks, all that busy work . . .

 

I was going to sign up for those weekends only women get, but apparently they suck like a LKH character.

 

{Insert wank about Trinity and John wanting to relax.}  They would have done what I wanted. I could have made them both do errands and all sorts of workie things. But, . . .{insert wank about being generous, understanding overlord.}

 

Living with LKH must be like living in the magical land of Narnia.  All rainbows and sunshine and . . . petrifying fear.  Keep away from those wardrobes, kiddos!

 

Merry's voice is clear in my head like a bell.

 

No quiero Merry bell.

 

It's AN EVEN SCARIER SOLSTICE from the H. P. Lovecraft Historical Society. . . . it's just too much fun.

Oh LKH!  Your darkity darkness is so darn hip. 

 

Wank in Sum:  In his house at R’lyeh, dead Comma-thulhu waits. . . . 

 

http://blog.laurellkhamilton.org/2007/11/laundry-fairy-where-are-you.html

3.  Laundry fairy, where are you?

The older I get the more I admire people who can make order out of chaos. I can do that on paper, but in a room, or a house, I'm pretty useless. I'm the guy; you know I never notice there's dust on the window shades.

 

And there we have it.  LKH is a 1950 sitcom father stereotype. 

 

Wank in Sum:  LKH hates women, defines success as being stereotypical male.

 

http://blog.laurellkhamilton.org/2007/11/new-office-in-dark.html

4.  The new office in the dark

 

{Insert rambling wank in which she ponders where she wrote her books, tosses a snide remark about her “computer geek” ex-husband, and wanks about her office space.}

 

Wank in Sum: tl; dr.

 

http://blog.laurellkhamilton.org/2007/11/secret-santa-contest.html

5.  Secret Santa Contest

The winners will receive two signed LKH books. . . . Your assignment as a Secret Santa is to give one away to someone. Preferably someone who is not yet a fan.  {The second } one is a gift for you, the Santa.

 

Silly Darla.  Friends don’t let friends read LKH.

 

http://blog.laurellkhamilton.org/2007/11/love-and-hate.html

6.  Love and hate

 

The blog last night ended with me saying that writers either end up hating their creations or loving them. I prefer love.

 

Love means never having to say “I’m stupid.”    

 

Arthur Conan Doyle and Agatha Christie . . . both hated the character that made them successful.

 

Apparently, Merry-Anita isn’t the only one with psychic powers.  

So, why bring {Sherlock Holmes} back? Money.

 

OMFG!  How could he write for money like some common streetwalker !?  What a sell out!

 

What’s that?  {mumbly contract mumbly deadline}.  Oh, that’s pure LKH love right there.  Pay no attention to the wank about the page counts.  J

Christie started her journey with a character that she disliked, and her . . . dislike of him grew so large that she wrote a black book.  {A black book is one in which the author kills the main character or franchise).  She wrote the book, put it away, and dictated that it only be published after her own death, but it was actually published just before her death. She knew how well this book would go over with her fans, and she didn't want to be around to hear the roar.

 

Avoiding criticism by dying!  How could she?  A real author would listen sensitively and carefully to concerns from her fans.  Right?  Of course, right.

 

CURTAIN is a hateful book, where she strips Poirot of everything that ever made him happy, or good. She makes him loose {sic} his hair, cripples him with arthritis so that he is wheel chair bound, and makes him the murderer. No other mystery writer that I'm aware of has ever so destroyed their own creation.

 

Bwahahahaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaahaa! Oh the freaking irony!

My plots are not as clean as Christies, and not the puzzles of either her, or Doyle. My plots are messy with characters, and sometimes the mystery gets a little lost in the interactions, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

The truth, at last!  Special snowflake seeks validation by flogging far better authors.  Full of fail, LKH.  Full of fail. 

 

Wank in Sum:  Bwahahahaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaahaa! 

 

Comments

[rebel-angel.livejournal.com]

The truth, at last! Special snowflake seeks validation by flogging far better authors. Full of fail, LKH. Full of fail.

I would go even farther and say that this counts as EPIC FAIL.

[drho.livejournal.com]

Somewhere, a hobbit is chucking her books in a fire.

[ainjul.livejournal.com]

I.... dont even know where to begin here... its crushingly full of of fail... so full of fail its starting to create a black hole of fail.

[wyrdmuse.livejournal.com]

It's AN EVEN SCARIER SOLSTICE from the H. P. Lovecraft Historical Society. . . . it's just too much fun.

Awww. Now my love for HPL-themed parodies of Christmas carols will forever be tainted.


Wank in Sum: In his house at R’lyeh, dead Comma-thulhu waits. . . .

But that line made up for it. *giggles*

[freyalorelei.livejournal.com]

And as for her being able to make order out of chaos on paper...pff, yeah.

Considering that you can almost hear the tiny screams of anguish as the English language warps to her twisted will, yeah, I'd say that if anything she does the reverse.

[amamelina.livejournal.com]

any woman who isn't obsessed with cleanliness is virtually a man, right?

Sooooo, does that mean I'm a guy with awesome breasts? Cause, I'm not a neat freak or even a tidy nerd.

[orthent.livejournal.com]

I am astounded that she considers herself a feminist.

Oh heavens, yes. On another note, this is one thing that ticks me off about a recent review of that other vampire book--the reviewer's complaint that a heroine who cooks and cleans is antifeminist. I mean, cooking and cleaning aren't about being subservient, they're about self-reliance. Being helpless in domestic matters doesn't make you a man, or a feminist--it makes you a little girl.

[orthent.livejournal.com]

There's nothing innately feminine about knowing how to make food and practicing good hygiene.

So true--and I wish I could have impressed that on a certain ex-boyfriend of mine.

Also, sorry about posting on a long-dead thread...I forgot that this was an old thread and was greatly surprised not to find it on the recent entries page.

It's a grammatical Moebius strip!

[freyalorelei.livejournal.com]

Okay, the first part of this sentence kind of makes sense....

The Brits only got to see us briefly, since England was a family vacation

...but in the second half all hell breaks loose:

and we protected that fact from getting too business oriented. <----WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN? I think she's trying to say, "and we kept it that way by avoiding public speaking appearances," only it's like she ran it through Babelfish seven times and this was the result.

Re: It's a grammatical Moebius strip!

[brightlyiburn.livejournal.com]

What she's doing is trying to appear intelligent and savvy. Not surprisingly, she failed.

Re: It's a grammatical Moebius strip!

[freyalorelei.livejournal.com]

She should really settle for appearing halfway literate.

Re: It's a grammatical Moebius strip!

[nimnix.livejournal.com]

I'd settle for her appearing to be able to see literate from where she is. Wait, what's that mountain over there? Ooooh right, grammar.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

Sad to say, I read the tl;dr one. In full.

It's basically LKH wondering which book she wrote in which office, and then the ENTIRE HISTORY OF HOW SHE GOT HER FIRST COMPUTER AND OFFICE, and then back to, "it's been ____ months, and FINALLY the 'new' office feels like 'home'." So obviously, it never occured to her to slip on her Ruby Slippers and click her heels three times.

There's a priceless moment at the beginning where she notes that she's now comfortable and oriented with the office enough to be able to type in the dark. Which I call bullshit on, as I'm sure that anyone who can touch-type knows how to write coherently solely by the light of their monitor. I'll admit I had a little trouble on the black keyboard at home, but after I got my fingers in the right spot, HEY I TIPE WURDZ.

Oy. Right now, I'm too busy seething with the whole, "I love my characters, which is why I'm a real girl writer!" blog.

[freyalorelei.livejournal.com]

Oh, ha ha ha, I did not even get to that. Someone who makes a living as a professional writer is bragging that they possess a skill shared by stoned teenagers, and they had to re-learn that skill?

There's "technologically impaired" and then there's TOTAL FUCKING IDIOCY. Unless she has been typing via the hunt-and-peck method for the last fifteen years (and I would not put it past her), there is NO EXCUSE for being unable to type in the dark.

Besides, she's Laurell K. Fucking Hamilton, Fairy Queen of the Damned. She should take to writing in the darkity darkness like Merita to an orgy.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

Au contraire, mon amie, you're forgetting that she's Laurell K. Hamilton -- PERKY GOTH, and hold back your disappointment folks that she doesn't dress in black lace and corsetry all the time. Her darkity darkness is INSIDE HAHR HED.

I'm kinda convinced that LKH has been typing with her nose, or at least taken the path of the God-of-War-Button-Mashing style, which would totally explain the copypasta of so much bad porn.

[freyalorelei.livejournal.com]

Oooh, my bad. I forgot, what with the endless stream of photos depicting her wearing black shirts with sarcastic sayings, silver crosses, and blood-red lipstick. She's not a Troo Gawth, she just plays one on TV!

On the other hand, the room should be well lit by the neon yellow glow of her Post-Its.

Although maybe I should give her a break...given the genre she works in, it can't be easy to type with one hand. (Okay, I actually feel bad for such a low blow...no pun intended.)

[morriganscrow.livejournal.com]

To dwg - I didn't see her typing with her nose so much as another part of her anatomy, one 'Diety' never intended to have touch a keyboard...especially because of the unfortunate interaction between electricity and fluids....

[allova.livejournal.com]

You can see why LKH would like Lovecraft. After all, there's a lot of similarity between their works. Both of them rely on copious fluids as a narrative tool and they like writing about things with large tentacles (one more metaphorically than the other, except in the case of Sholto). Laurell's writing makes people either turn away, eyes covered and crying about things man was not meant to read OR they become obsequious worshippers. So she's kind of like an Elder God. Soon, her books will drive people mad, much like the fabled Necronomicon.

For my next essay, I will analyse the similarities between Anita and Shub-Niggurath.

(I can't believe I just defiled Lovecraft by comparing him with LKH *covers face in shame*)

[cicipsychobunny.livejournal.com]

That's it, woman, I'm feeding you to the children of Shub-Niggurath.

[brandiweed.livejournal.com]

One major difference, though: HPL was indifferent *at best* to sex, whereas if LKH had as many sticking out of her as Anita had stuck in her she'd look like a porcupine.

[allova.livejournal.com]

Luckily, my analogy wasn't serious :) I'd sooner read the Necronomicon than seriously compare the two authors favourably!

[chubling.livejournal.com]

Didn't Arthur Conan Doyle get told by the Queen that he had to start writing the Sherlock Holmes again? Not for money.

[lafemmedarla]

Your assignment as a Secret Santa is to give one away to someone. Preferably someone who is not yet a fan.

But... but... I like my friends!

[amamelina.livejournal.com]

I would say, "Send it to your enemies then" but I wouldn't wish this on them either.

[athousandwinds.livejournal.com]

CURTAIN is a hateful book, where she strips Poirot of everything that ever made him happy, or good.

But - but - he had his brain. Which was the most important thing. And yes, he was the murderer, but he always did act according to his private notions of justice - for example, take Roger Ackroyd and Orient Express, where he effectively lets the murderer get away with it. And he acted perfectly in character when he killed himself rather than let himself become what he's always disapproved of.

...I think LKH is interrogating this text from the wrong perspective.

(I know, I know, everyone else already knew that. But I felt I had to defend Poirot, my favourite literary detective ever.)