I Got the Green-With-Envy Blues!

[missamii.livejournal.com]

I got to thinking about this after reading as much as I could stomach of the Blood Puke Noir teaser and that totally non sequitor line that goes from Nathaniel short-shorts, Anita's modesty, and jealous haters. It seems like the new major meme seems that not only are critical readers prudes but they have a touch o' the green eyed monster.

What exactly, pray tell, are we supposed to be jealous of? I know the only thing I really envy her is her impressive ability to instantly translate everything into strawman!

Comments

[avierra.livejournal.com]

I took it to mean that Anita gets to wander around throngs of adoring, hot naked guys, hence those who are not so blessed are jealous. (NM that IMO enthralled sexual slaves with no free will are not particularly enticing, thus no reason for jealousy.)

I could be wrong though, I freely admit I was unable to do a careful reading all the way through the chapter.

[cicipsychobunny.livejournal.com]

Well, given the "pushing the envelope" comments and such, I think LKH really sees a lot of the haters as prudes, who envy her Freedom and Liberality and Open-Minded Definition of Love. It's all there in Anita's own attitudes: she used to be so certain that sex outside marriage wasn't worth it, now she's up to the crotch in long-haired sex gods and, unwilling to ask the hard questions about what she's doing and why, she decides that all criticism is about people wanting what she has. She has to demonize the haters because it's that or wonder exactly what motivated such a turnaround in her personality.

I'll say this: I AM bloody jealous that this woman can earn a living from her writing, and I want to know what gods she sacrificed to to get her career, because it baffles me.

[easol.livejournal.com]

The only thing I am jealous of is...

LKH: That she rolls in money for writing dreck that I could probably pour out over two weeks.

Anita: that she gets paid ridiculous sums of money for basically doing no work.

[nicbemused.livejournal.com]

"Please, please, I'll do anything to be a successful writer."
*devil appears in a cloud of brimstone* "Anything Little Girl?"
"Oo, pretty, bright Goth Angel. I love pretty darkness."
"Yes, yes, very nice. But more to the point, anything?"
"Anything, oh Goth Angel."
"I will need to hold your soul as collateral on our dept."
"Soul?" *sudden caution* "I heard an old christian myth..."
"Only the mundanes believe that old myth. You aren't mundane, are you?"
"No, no, of course not. Mundane is worse than anything."
"Ah, good, I wouldn't want to think you are like the rest of those boring mundane people. So, about that soul."
"Just as collateral, right?"
"Absolutely, unless you are too mundane..."
"Oh, no, you can have it."
"Excellent." *takes soul*

three years later....

"Lucifer! You said I would be good! This is the worst crap I ever read! I wouldn't read this myself! No wonder no one respects me any more."
*evil laughter* "No, I said you would be successful, I never said you'd be good. Have fun with the money. See you in a few years."

*scream of horror*

[tsubaki-ny.livejournal.com]

This is BRILLIANT. (And... I think it actually scared me.)

[nicbemused.livejournal.com]

would you do anything to be a successful writer? *evil laugh*....

:D

[tsubaki-ny.livejournal.com]

Not anymore!

*is chastened!*
*swears to be good*

(How sad is it that the "forced-to-write-crap-forever" aspect is the part that freaks me out, and not the "dragging-of-the-soul-to-hell" part?!?!)

(Oooh, maybe that IS hell.)

[genchaos.livejournal.com]

To take a line from Dante's Inferno, maybe her soul already *has* been dragged off to hell, and a demon's taken up shop in her body. *pause* Come to think of it, that *would* explain why the quality tanked after OB.

[nicbemused.livejournal.com]

*laughing* Got to be careful about that devil dude, he's wiley. Causing suffering AND still getting the soul. :D

[bubblefaerie.livejournal.com]

I have to say, that's the only thing I'd be jealous of too. I would love to be able to write any kind of crap, get paid for it and not have to work outside my house.

[longtail.livejournal.com]

Hell, I'd love a book full of sex with hot bishonen guys. If only it was decently written. Losing fingernails, being fucked (because nobody actually has sex, they fuck and fuck alone) till there is blood, scratching, screaming, rape, and other graphic squick does not with the hot and lusty make. Well, I dunno, maybe I AM a prude...Reading LKH sex makes me want to shun the idea of sex, reclaim my virginity and live a celibate life.

I'm with you on the writing thing. Damn me and my inspirational impotence! I KNOW I could create better! *shakes fist to the air!*

[mystickiwi.livejournal.com]

I'm jealous that my boyfriend isn't leaving me to go off fulfilling his sexual fantasies with doomcrotches. And I'm jealous that Anita gets to have edgy sex and I don't because I don't have borderline jailbait boys with purple eyes and long flowing hair. I mean, there's so much to be jealous of. Anita is so free and liberated, everyone should want to be just like her when they grow up.



(and i hate having to add this but /sarcasm, because the internet is a scary place when it comes to translations)

[hookncrook.livejournal.com]

Are you one of those boring bed people LKH is knocking?

[kd-lalala.livejournal.com]

SOUL KILLING boring bed people!

[hookncrook.livejournal.com]

You're just jealous of LKH christianing every room in her house with her boitoi

[kd-lalala.livejournal.com]

Oh, God, you're right. I admit it. And I know I don't have any manbois lusting after my cavern of a crotch anyway. As a matter of fact I don't even HAVE a crotch that's a cavern. *sobs*

[mystickiwi.livejournal.com]

Yes. I'm clinically insane because I like soft surfaces like beds instead of sinks and coffee tables. I have no soul.

[hookncrook.livejournal.com]

Obviously any person willing to have sex on a kitchen's cold tile floor would steal away your lover.

[dameruth.livejournal.com]

Me, too. And what's more, I like comfortable sexual positions, too, ones where I'm not going to dislocate a joint or end up with a hernia or something. Clearly, I'm pathetic.

[drho.livejournal.com]

I have no idea what we're supposed to envy about Anita. She's constantly subjected to supernatural date rape drug and is surrounded by unnecessary commas. Who wants that?

I suppose she means we're jealous her little cult. She seems to identify with some 1950s male chauvanist stereotype, where the 'man' expects to be the center of adoration after treating people poorly. Most people don't behave in that manner and aren't surrounded by people that would accept it. But since she likes that kind of dynamic, I could see how she'd stupidly accuse others of jealousy.

[genchaos.livejournal.com]

I don't know how she confused 'jealousy' with 'nausea', but God knows the woman is deluded enough to. :P

[tsubaki-ny.livejournal.com]

Well, it does contain many of the same vowels. ~__^

[genchaos.livejournal.com]

And we all know how good at spelling, grammar, and punctuation she is!

[freyalorelei.livejournal.com]

I find it especially entertaining that, while LKH considers herself all edgy and open-minded because she writes dubious porn, she in fact lives an incredibly mundane existence as a married stay-at-home mother. (Not that there's anything WRONG with being a married stay-at-home mother, just that it's not exactly the most cutting-edge life perspective.)

Anita's sex life is a metaphor for Laurell's writing career: she's popular, sure, and her little throng of groupies think she's awesomecakes, but she isn't respected as a person by those in her line of work, and she totally refuses to admit it, and anyone who detracts her in any way is just jellus omg, because only the people who truly understand her matter.

Laurell, you can't have it both ways: You're either a New York Times bstselling author, beloved by all save "that ugly one percent," or you're a poor little misunderstood iconoclast fighting against The Man in the name of badly-written porn. PICK ONE.

[icecreamempress.livejournal.com]

Well, she's a HORRIBLE mother, if that's any help. Way to overthrow the paradigm by being a horrible mom, LKH!

Seriously, I've never wanted children, and her damn blog makes me feel like adopting Trinity.

[freyalorelei.livejournal.com]

I am extremely hesitant to criticize her parenting skills, if only for Trinity's sake, because I do not want Laurell to be a bad parent. I hope she's a terrific mum who pays lots of attention to her daughter and makes her feel secure and loved, and only comes across as a neglectful wanker because despite listing "occupation: writer" on her tax forms, she can't properly express herself for shit.

I have to believe this, because a) without some definite proof of abuse or neglect to take to CPS, it's all just slanderous finger-pointing, and b) I refuse to surrender my last lingering shred of sanity. It's bad enough for the poor girl that her mother is a porn author of questionable repute without heaping a crappy relationship with said mother onto the mix.

[icecreamempress.livejournal.com]

I think bitching and moaning about how much of a BURRRRDEN your child is on the internet is bad parenting.

Not "get CPS involved" bad parenting, but really inappropriate and hurtful behavior.

without some definite proof of abuse or neglect to take to CPS, it's all just slanderous finger-pointing

Rem ipsa loquitur. I'm sure she provides food, shelter, and medical care, and I highly doubt she is physically or emotionally abusive to Trinity.

However, her words about Trinity are hurtful, and unless everything she writes on her blog and says in interviews about her is completely wrongly-expressed, the attitude she has toward her is grudging and narcissistically jealous.

So I don't think she's a horrible mother in the "call the authorities" way, but I think her self-centered and childish behavior is going to leave Trinity with a lot of psychological issues to work out in her adulthood.

My parents were on the narcissistic and uninvolved side, and it's been tough for me and my brother. And they were very good about telling us they loved us and believed in us, despite their limitations. And they didn't have a posse of groupies enabling their egotrip.

Six Degrees of Jealousy

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

Basing this on the observed behavior of Suethors over the years, I'd say that LKH believes the following:

1) Her critics are envious of her skill.

Every Suethor born thinks that she has outstanding skill at writing, and the worse the Suethor is at writing, the more convinced she is that she is an undiscovered genius.

2) Her critics are envious of her success.

Suethors all say this, too, regardless of how unsuccessful the Suethor or how successful the critic is. By the Suethor's definition, the critic cannot truly be successful, because the critic is dissing the most important person in the universe, and that is against all the laws of God and man.

3) Her critics are jealous of the fictional characters' love lives/sex lives.

Suethors do not differentiate between their Mary Sues and Gary Stus and themselves. Since the Sues and Stus come in for a great deal of criticism for unbelievable behavior, and since the characters spend a lot of time romancin' and sexin', it follows, in the mind of a Suethor, that the reason the critics dislike the characters is because the characters are loved and having outstanding sex. The critics, clearly, cannot be loved by anyone, and no one in their right mind would dream of having sex with such odious creatures.

4) Her critics are jealous of the fictional characters' virtues.

Since critics are, by definition, odious, it follows that they have no courage, mercy, justice, kindness, compassion, strength, honor, truthfulness, etc. Since the characters are authorial avatars, the Suethor presumes that her characters have all the virtues known to mankind in spades. Clearly, those who despise such characters MUST recognize their own lack of virtue and envy its possessors, rather the way that demons are said to envy angels.

5) Her critics are jealous of her family/friends/spouse/etc.

Suethors invariably feel that their lives are envied by all and sundry, even when their lives are tragic, or even dull. They cannot conceive of anyone being happy with a life unlike their own, as to a Suethor, this would not make sense.

6) Her critics are jealous of her depth.

Suethors tend to be shallow bints...but they all claim to be sensitive souls, vastly moved by the ongoing tragedy of life. Everything touches them, because they are artistes, and artistes are SUPPOSED to be sensitive, don't you know.

Obviously, their critics cannot be emotionally deep or, perish the thought, sensitive, because look at all the horrible evil insensitive things that they say to the Suethor! Er...I mean, to the artiste.

Re: Six Degrees of Jealousy

[easol.livejournal.com]

You win, my friend. That is a wonderful, succinct sum-up of the Suethors....

And that Calvin avvie is the icing on your postcake.

Re: Six Degrees of Jealousy

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

Heh. Thank you!

Re: Six Degrees of Jealousy

[gothgoddessrhia.livejournal.com]

Yep, you summed it up nicely. You win!

Re: Six Degrees of Jealousy

[duchym.livejournal.com]

That was great! Thanks!

Re: Six Degrees of Jealousy

[tsubaki-ny.livejournal.com]

Fantastic summary.

[morriganscrow.livejournal.com]

Agreed. You were succinct and insightful - as always.

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

I'm jealous of Anita having a live in housekeeper, I want one too.

Question: Is it required that I screw my houseboy once I find one?

[kimbearlysue.livejournal.com]

Only if he has confidence issues, purple eyes, and cascading waterfalls of hair. :-P

[hookncrook.livejournal.com]

and tight tight micro-shorts.

[genchaos.livejournal.com]

And smells like vanilla!

[karmyn75.livejournal.com]

Does she not understand there is a line between metrosexual and flaming homosexual?

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

No-she really doesn't get that there is a difference.

If I find a houseboy that wears tight micropants, has purple eyes, long hair and smells like vanilla can I just find him a date with a person who is into extreme bondage and then get him to clean my house?

[hookncrook.livejournal.com]

You forget he makes home-made biscuits and wears a frilly apron.

I'd say the frilly apron crosses that metrosexual line.

[ladymuttly1.livejournal.com]

It was the pearls that crossed the line for me

[genchaos.livejournal.com]

She's gotten so much other crap wrong, I wouldn't be surprised she doesn't.

[easol.livejournal.com]

karmyn, NOOOOOOOO! There is no such thing as Teh Ghey! There are only bi men who haven't met Whorenita and her Magic Coochie yet!

[viridian5.livejournal.com]

They dress like that because repeated exposure to her doomcrotch is stopping them from expressing their gayness through sex, so fashion is their only remaining rebellion.

[icecreamempress.livejournal.com]

I'm jealous that she doesn't have an inner editor. AT ALL. If I could just let bursts of logorrhea erupt from my fingers, I could write a lot more and get more paychecks.

[swiftgold.livejournal.com]

I wish I could write even a first draft of a chapter without feeling the compulsive need to edit and "finalize" it scene by scene :\

[alondra-del-sol.livejournal.com]

I think another thing that LKH doesn't understand that in writing there is always, always room for improvement. The first draft should not be your final draft. There are very few people who can churn out X amount of pages and have it be a masterpiece. To those people it happens to I'm happy for them, but LKH needs to discover that she is not one of them. As well as the magic of outlining without involving post-it notes.

The only thing to be jealous of is the fact she gets paid so much for such terrible books. I wonder if the heads of these publishing companies ever bother to read what they publish. Where exactly is the quality control?