Blog flog: PH34R LKH.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

Link: http://blog.laurellkhamilton.org/2005/10/better-day.html
Date: Monday 17 October 2005
Title: A better day

LKH in italics, me not so much. I'm fighting the urge to curl up in the corner, rock back and forth, hug my facehugger and chant, "Redrum! Redrum!"

Better day today. After backing up a little, ie . . . dumping some pages,

z0mg, pages were cut? I wonder if it was painful. I mean, up to now, everything that's been written has been splendiferous perfection, so sayeth the author.

And...how much of those pages counted toward what little plot I'm looking forward to? I mean, I know it's going to be too much to cut a sex scene, because...well, read on.

I got fifteen pages done, and we're at 961 pages in total.

This is not a book. It's a very porny brick. And I'm going to guess that it's asking an awful lot of the readership to shell out good money for a nearly 1,000 page hardcover book. And have you seen 1,000 page paperbacks? Not very convenient for the purse or long bus trips. Hello wrist cramps. Which could be totally misunderstood given the reading material. "No, really, I hurt myself holding the book in one hand!" "Sure, sure, you were reading LKH, weren't you?" "...yes, but the book is so big!" "Riiight."

I'm hoping the last sex scene is done for this book. I actually got out my book of sexual positions, no, really, and tried to find something we hadn't done before in a book, but would still work in a stretch limo.

Be afraid. I know I am.

This is probably more information for the people that make notes or something - start a new list of sexual positions to tick off. In fact, this blog entry gives you a book to reference for such a thing.

I also try to stay away from positions that are so awkward you feel like you need a safety line and a spotter.

Aye Carumba. Really? Coulda fooled me. I know I'm not the only one out there to have her uterus cower in fear and her cervix whimper at the idea of what Anita goes through. But...that probably doesn't count, because I'm not having the most phenomenal sex ever with or without multiple partners, all hugely hung. So who am I to criticise?

However, I know enough about my own limits, and that of human physiology to know about things like chaffing, cramps and performance anxiety. As much as I'd like to see Anita have chaffing and cramps, or her boys have performance anxiety (and let me reiterate the pain I feel on behalf of the flaccid-fellated Jean-Claude?) it's probably not going to happen. So the awkward will remain.

I'm going to choose my safe-word before I open the book. Just in case.

The Kama Sutra is interesting, but though you may be able to get into most of the positions in this reality, you'd need other people to grab an ankle and spin you for the position to work. Yeah, yeah, I've had people tell me it's all possible. But the Kama Sutra was originally meant to be meditation. Yeah, that's right meditation. Some of these positions were never designed to be tried by real people. Honest. The book I used today was THE COMPLETE MANUAL OF SEXUAL POSITIONS BY Jessica Stewart, though most of it is stuff Jon and I had worked out on our own.

First, I thought it was Kama Sutra - y'know, title and all. For Laurell, that'd mean CAPS, because she can't figure out bold, underline or italics on blogspot.

And then she goes to bitch about how people shouldn't speculate on her sex life because of what she blogs? *facepalm* I didn't need to know that. Nor did I need to know about how she'd practice Anita!sex for the books. It's nice that she's getting some, really, and she's totally happy with her fanboy hubby - but...does the adoring public need to know this? Specially when faced with the fact that there's that petty, evil element that likes to make petty, evil jibes about her personal life? Oh, Laurell, you totally invite it on yourself.

Dinner's up; oven roasted corn on the cob (some of the last of the season), beef eye of round steaks (we average beef about twice a month, sadly, we've found it does contribute to the whole weight thing), steamed carrots and asparagus round out the meal.

I'm amused that her dinner has phallic foods.

I am now sufficiently filled with dread, specially since I know I'm going to be reading this book and "taking one for the team."

I'm going to hug my facehugger now.

>:\

Comments

[random-fat-bird.livejournal.com]

I was scared when I read the blog too. I don't know that I can handle a thousand pages of uber-Anita-angst. Mayhaps 'tis time for this fat bird to quit the world of LKH?

*ponders*

[dwg.livejournal.com]

There's always the snark-factor. If the wangst doesn't kill you, that is.

[random-fat-bird.livejournal.com]

'tis true. A snarking session is good for that part of my soul that revels in its bitchiness *ponders*

I could really piss the world off and get a dodgy e-variant online, read it and then snark?

*contemplates evil*

[dwg.livejournal.com]

Mm. Dodgy. And pirated (yarr!)

Even with the typos expected when you have a hook for a hand, or a parrot doing the typing for you, I'm sure that a pirated (Yarr!) version of the book would have better spelling and grammar.

[demoncougar.livejournal.com]

Heh!!! I now ONLY read pirated copies of LKH's work, downloaded off the internet. I used to buy these things...I have a shelf with most of her books on it.

But when she responded to her fan base's concerns with "if you don't like it, don't buy it!" I took it to heart...and haven't bought a book since. *is evil*

[saadiira.livejournal.com]

I'm terrified.

Gods, that's just...noooooo. 1,000+ pages of badtmsmut. Gah.

And yeah. If you don't want comments/thoughts...don't post about it. Duh.

-Dira-

[magdollna.livejournal.com]

I am looking forward to this book. As soon as it hits a resale shop it should be the right amount of pages to keep the back end of my couch up.

mags

[dominanefret.livejournal.com]

hahaha. I don't know why but I am SO EXCITED about reading this book. I think I am going to be going at it with a high-lighter and a red pen. And laughing my ass off.

I figure at this point she's writing comedy, right?

How's this.. I'll edit the entire thing and then send it on to anyone who wants to read the edited version afterwards. It might be significantly shorter at that point.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

nnngah, I could never do that. I'm too neurotic about my books to take a highlighter to them. Or, if I did, I'd have to have two copies of the book. One in near-pristine condition, the other I can do whatever I like with.

[naeko.livejournal.com]

if it didn't cost an arm, a leg, a first born child (not necessarily MINE), and the still filtering liver of a virgin hamster to send things to you, i'd send you a copy to edit.

i wonder how effective a campaign including everyone in this comm editing an LKH book and sending it to her editor would be...

[dragonfanguk.livejournal.com]

She has an editor?

What is it? A Llama?

(No offence meant to llama's!)

[frabjously.livejournal.com]

I have two words:

sticky notes

I'm "editing" ID as a joke present for my friend.

[holyschist.livejournal.com]

To be fair, those 1000 pages may be 250-word each double-spaced 8.5x11 pages, not paperback pages. Still, it does sound ominous.

[freyalorelei.livejournal.com]

That was my thought, that they're double-spaced and the book will end up as about 500 or so pages. Of course, I think she's mentioned book lengths in previous posts, and they've all conformed to the finished product, give or take 100 pages.

So we may very well end up with the Brick O' Porn.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

Depending on the house style - that is, font, layout, margin, line-spacing - it's been my experience that it's roughly a 1:1 ratio for pages.

This is kinda why when submitting stuff, monospaced fonts (eg, courier) are a godsend, because you can see how long a piece is, how it fits on a page and thus, how it will probably turn out when published.

So...I'm still going to be afraid at a 900+ page monstrosity.

Then again, if I can read Robert Jordan and Anne Rice, I'm pretty sure I can read anything.

[http://users.livejournal.com/belladonna_/]

Oh my god you read Robert Jordan, too? Did I know this and have just forgotten? Did I block it out? What is wrong with us? Why do we do this to ourselves?

His latest installment just came out here. Is it out there yet? I have not bought it so far. I was so freaking angry after I finished the last one (the one where literally *nothing* happened) that I don't even want to read any more at the moment. At this point, it's throwing good money after bad. However, you reach a point where you're committed because you've read ten goddamned 1,000 page books.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

yeah, it's out here. Borders have a big ol' display of the books and have *finally shoved all the Dan Brown books over by the greeting cards.

However, in all fairness, I stopped reading Jordan halfway through book 5 of Wheel of Time. The fact that I got to book five should be impressive enough.

[nanale.livejournal.com]

If it's a normal word processor page setu-up, than you can take roughly 1/3 of the page count away and you get the number of pages in the book. That should be around 700 pages...ugh. I don't think, that it's possible to make a paper bacwith 700 pages, because the spine would break. Or, maybe they use extremely thin paper, like the one used for bibles.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

The thing is, I kinda DO. It'll go into the series (I HATE not having a complete series!) plus... the snarking value. The book filtered through my head may well be more readable than the book itself.

[http://users.livejournal.com/belladonna_/]

I'm actually speechless. I have no quips; there's too much there. Shooting fish in a barrel. Gah!

[tsula.livejournal.com]

Lois: "The safe word is 'banana'." *bitchslaps Peter across the bed*

Gone to happy place.

[naeko.livejournal.com]

lmao!

[dwg.livejournal.com]

...you live inside my head, don't you?

[tsula.livejournal.com]

*shifty eyes then whistles innocently* I know not of what you speak.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_shadowstalker_/]

Thank you thank you thank you! You have officially made my night. The problem is... I still know I'm going to purchase the book, damnit. My friend (who hasn't read the books, but probably will on the grounds that he's a boy and they're smut) recommends that we nominate someone to purchase a single copy for all of us, and ship it to each of us along with a Word document of critiques, editing and comments. When we're done? We ship it off to Darla, not Laurell. She's going to read it anyway, you know? So maybe she'll succeed in convincing Laurell somehow.

What do you think?

[infidelkast.livejournal.com]

It'll be the Sisterhood of the Traveling Smut-Brick! :D

[http://users.livejournal.com/_shadowstalker_/]

I think you just made my day. Let's do it!