Skin Trade Flog: Chapter 13 & 14
Dec. 18th, 2009 06:57 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
naeko.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
lkh_lashoutsI'm really really bored at work and so I idly opened up Skin Trade, the E-book, to see what's up with this shit; I haven't read anything more than bits and pieces since Cerulean Sins. Well, I started skimming it, and then figured I'd do a flog of it. If Karen Chance's terrible book can't kill me, I'm reasonably sure my brain is safe from melt by stupid.
But, it looks like![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sharkbytes has already tackled Skin Trade up to chapter 12! So, I will just start from 13, but without having read anything before that; I probably read the flogs as they were being posted, but my brain is organization-happy and probably deleted those files long ago. Who really cares, though? It's not like Hamilton writes anything that you need to know in order to follow along. Her stories are just not that challenging.
I can't promise I'll actually get any further than this flog, but we'll see how bored I get; I'm working two weeks straight, graveyard shift, over the holiday weeks. With all luck, I'll have six (or more!) hours each night to just be braindead.
--
Chapter 13
Apparently we pick up "two hours later," and Anita, Edward, Bernardo and Olaf have learned all the warehouse could tell them. Olaf shows up, sneaking over like some giant, German ninja. He starts to lay everything out, explaining that whatever did this left no traces and "was something that could bleed and incapacitate, but not kill right away." Anita asks him how he knows that and there's a little bullshit back and forth of Anita saying please and Olaf telling her he doesn't think she's stupid, and ooh everyone is shocked.
He explains that he's seen this sort of thing before, in the Middle East from a group of terrorists who were BFF with a sorcerer. There's some more useless banter about the different usages of the word "sorcerer" but how, here, Olaf is just saying that he means someone using bad magic to do bad things. There's even more exposition, where they all discuss the terrorists that Olaf is referring to; according to him, they were not Islamic, so they totally give the thumbs up to witches, assuming that it helps them destroy things to get themselves back to pre-Islamic Persian GoodTimes.
They all discuss how they know absolutely jack shit about pre-Islamic Persian magic and how they will need to get help learning what they might be up against. Edward is called over to talk to the homicide detectives, while Bernardo, Olaf and Anita discuss the deaths that have happened in the warehouse. Olaf posits that a Master (vampire? IDK) killed so much because it doesn't like the taste of men. Anita asks why he thinks this and Olaf explains that he has, in the past, killed a man just to get him out of the way so that time could be spent with his lady.
This is where I picture Bernardo getting comically bug-eyed and flailing spastically. He asks Anita if she's creeped out by this admission, because OMGSOCREEPY! Anita, in typical Anita fashion, just shrugs manfully and explains in a manly fashion how logical it is to just not be a-skurred of the big, bad serial killer because to do so wouldn't help the case.
Bernardo sort of makes a sad face, but agrees that Anita's right. This is no time to panic!
Edward comes back and tells Bernardo to basically STFU, and then explains to them all that the police are going to give up all the forensic evidence to Tedward and his little group because the police have no idea what's going on and they hope Ted and Co. can help.
Anita suggests that maybe the same sorcerer from Olaf's past did all this business, and Olaf denies the possibility, explaining how that sorcerer is dead. Anita goes on to say that they need to start looking for people who practice Persian magic, and see if any of those someones have gone missing. Bernardo is stupid, so he asks why; Anita explains the obvious- that, well, whomever has gone missing recently is probably who's doing this. Duh.
She goes on to explain that Vittorio was just killing strippers in Vegas, but that this is a whole new bag of crazy, and that Vittorio (I really want to call him Vito and picture him in a chest-hair-baring shirt with greasy hair and lots of bling) has changed tactics; if his name signed on the wall is actually indicative of him being behind the bloody mess, then it would have only been recently that he got hold of Persian magics.
Bernardo points out that this could actually be a completely unrelated matter, that Vittorio's name may just be a frame job. Anita asks if there were fang marks on the dead, and then it's decided that everyone has to tromp down to the morgue and poke the dead bodies.
Olaf pretty much admits he's got a hard-on for the idea of fondling corpses alongside Anita and the chapter ends with her all :/ over the idea. She stands strong, however, telling the audience that she haaaaas to goooo because it's part of the crime scene! There are clues and only she can uncover them!
Chapter 14
They arrive at the coroner's building and Edward makes it clear he knows where he's going. Anita asks him if, the last time he was here, it was as Ted or Edward. He grins and says, "both. They're let in and Bernardo gets in a snit, telling Anita that Edward only answers questions when she's asking them. She eggs him on, asking him if he's jealous, then explains to the audience that she's just fucking with him because she's nervous and... I don't know, she becomes a bitch when she's nervous.
Anita and Olaf don the plastic robes and gloves required to poke at dead bodies, only Anita is ~special~ so she only has to wear one pair of gloves, while Olaf has to wear two. There's a LOT of, "CSI IS WRONG. LET ME SHOW YOU," from Anita, before we get back to something that actually matters. Anita gives the following description, which makes me giggle.
I like that she has to specify "most kitchens" like she's worried she's going to offend her 18-45 cannibal demographic, and she doesn't want to get angry letters.
Dear Ms. Hamilton,
I was ashamed to see that you just assumed that NO kitchens have bodies wrapped in plastic on a gurney near the sink. Where else would one keep their bodies? Commercial refrigerators are too small, and I just don't have the pantry space to store my neighbor. He must be washed, chopped and then smoked immediately for preservation's sake. Please amend this heinous mistake in a second publishing run; I've read Narcissus in Chains, I know you can cover your mistakes!
Sincerely,
Ted Gein.
Anita muses on how she used to think of morgues as sad places because of all the death, but now it just makes her think about all the poor wittle vampires who cry while she comes at them with a stake. The doctor comes over, an older, pudgy gentleman named Dr. Memphis who is super pissed and doesn't care who knows it.
Anita explains that she and Olaf get Dr. M while Bernie and Edward get some hot girl doctor, and that Anita trusts them to learn what they can about the body that got divvied to them. Edward decided that Anita and Olaf would get the "less interesting bodies" because he doesn't want anything to do with Olaf "getting his rocks off."
Anita asks if this particular corpse's cause of death was exsanguination and the doctor says that, yes, this one died that way, but indicates that other bodies did not. The doctor peels back the plastic to show that the corpse has been sliced up quite a bit, and Olaf reaches out to fondle the cuts. Anita stops him, scolds him, and there's a stare-down, where Olaf holds her hand on his arm and she tells herself to BE COOL, MAN. JUST BE COOL.
Anita asks the doctor if they can, in fact, touch the bodies and he says yes, but has trouble calling the corpse a "body." Anita DIVINES WITH THE POWAH OF HER KEEN SENSES OKAY that the doctor knew the victims and that's why he's so pissed off.
Then, Anita realizes that touching these corpses is "romantic" to Olaf and she tells him never to touch her again. He points out that she touched him and she tells him that it will never happen again. Olaf looks deep into her eyes, leaning over her and whispering, "I hope it does."
I throw up a bit in my mouth, and continue reading, as Anita has a little internal flail over Olaf feeling that touching a corpse is foreplay. To be fair, so does Anita; how many vampires has she slept with?
The doctor notices that these two are being idiots and asks what the problem is. Olaf and Anita insist there is none, and Anita goes back to staring at the corpse because it's preferable to looking at Olaf while he's mooning over her.
--
Overall, this wasn't a completely gag-inducing bit to read. It definitely echoes the original books, but with just a bit more... I don't know how to even describe it, but the word "pompous" comes to mind. Anita is pompous. Anita's interactions with Olaf just piss me off because not only do they not make any logical sense, but they're just stupid and pointless.
Aaaand, I would say more, but I just realized I'm off work in five minutes and I must flee the internets and look busy!
But, it looks like
sharkbytes has already tackled Skin Trade up to chapter 12! So, I will just start from 13, but without having read anything before that; I probably read the flogs as they were being posted, but my brain is organization-happy and probably deleted those files long ago. Who really cares, though? It's not like Hamilton writes anything that you need to know in order to follow along. Her stories are just not that challenging.I can't promise I'll actually get any further than this flog, but we'll see how bored I get; I'm working two weeks straight, graveyard shift, over the holiday weeks. With all luck, I'll have six (or more!) hours each night to just be braindead.
--
Chapter 13
Apparently we pick up "two hours later," and Anita, Edward, Bernardo and Olaf have learned all the warehouse could tell them. Olaf shows up, sneaking over like some giant, German ninja. He starts to lay everything out, explaining that whatever did this left no traces and "was something that could bleed and incapacitate, but not kill right away." Anita asks him how he knows that and there's a little bullshit back and forth of Anita saying please and Olaf telling her he doesn't think she's stupid, and ooh everyone is shocked.
He explains that he's seen this sort of thing before, in the Middle East from a group of terrorists who were BFF with a sorcerer. There's some more useless banter about the different usages of the word "sorcerer" but how, here, Olaf is just saying that he means someone using bad magic to do bad things. There's even more exposition, where they all discuss the terrorists that Olaf is referring to; according to him, they were not Islamic, so they totally give the thumbs up to witches, assuming that it helps them destroy things to get themselves back to pre-Islamic Persian GoodTimes.
They all discuss how they know absolutely jack shit about pre-Islamic Persian magic and how they will need to get help learning what they might be up against. Edward is called over to talk to the homicide detectives, while Bernardo, Olaf and Anita discuss the deaths that have happened in the warehouse. Olaf posits that a Master (vampire? IDK) killed so much because it doesn't like the taste of men. Anita asks why he thinks this and Olaf explains that he has, in the past, killed a man just to get him out of the way so that time could be spent with his lady.
This is where I picture Bernardo getting comically bug-eyed and flailing spastically. He asks Anita if she's creeped out by this admission, because OMGSOCREEPY! Anita, in typical Anita fashion, just shrugs manfully and explains in a manly fashion how logical it is to just not be a-skurred of the big, bad serial killer because to do so wouldn't help the case.
Bernardo sort of makes a sad face, but agrees that Anita's right. This is no time to panic!
Edward comes back and tells Bernardo to basically STFU, and then explains to them all that the police are going to give up all the forensic evidence to Tedward and his little group because the police have no idea what's going on and they hope Ted and Co. can help.
Anita suggests that maybe the same sorcerer from Olaf's past did all this business, and Olaf denies the possibility, explaining how that sorcerer is dead. Anita goes on to say that they need to start looking for people who practice Persian magic, and see if any of those someones have gone missing. Bernardo is stupid, so he asks why; Anita explains the obvious- that, well, whomever has gone missing recently is probably who's doing this. Duh.
She goes on to explain that Vittorio was just killing strippers in Vegas, but that this is a whole new bag of crazy, and that Vittorio (I really want to call him Vito and picture him in a chest-hair-baring shirt with greasy hair and lots of bling) has changed tactics; if his name signed on the wall is actually indicative of him being behind the bloody mess, then it would have only been recently that he got hold of Persian magics.
Bernardo points out that this could actually be a completely unrelated matter, that Vittorio's name may just be a frame job. Anita asks if there were fang marks on the dead, and then it's decided that everyone has to tromp down to the morgue and poke the dead bodies.
Olaf pretty much admits he's got a hard-on for the idea of fondling corpses alongside Anita and the chapter ends with her all :/ over the idea. She stands strong, however, telling the audience that she haaaaas to goooo because it's part of the crime scene! There are clues and only she can uncover them!
Chapter 14
They arrive at the coroner's building and Edward makes it clear he knows where he's going. Anita asks him if, the last time he was here, it was as Ted or Edward. He grins and says, "both. They're let in and Bernardo gets in a snit, telling Anita that Edward only answers questions when she's asking them. She eggs him on, asking him if he's jealous, then explains to the audience that she's just fucking with him because she's nervous and... I don't know, she becomes a bitch when she's nervous.
Anita and Olaf don the plastic robes and gloves required to poke at dead bodies, only Anita is ~special~ so she only has to wear one pair of gloves, while Olaf has to wear two. There's a LOT of, "CSI IS WRONG. LET ME SHOW YOU," from Anita, before we get back to something that actually matters. Anita gives the following description, which makes me giggle.
Olaf and I were in the first autopsy suite, which was all red countertops, shiny silver sinks, and walls that were tan and red tile. The color scheme looked like someone’s cheerful kitchen. Except that most kitchens don’t have bodies in plastic wrap on a gurney near the sink and countertops.
I like that she has to specify "most kitchens" like she's worried she's going to offend her 18-45 cannibal demographic, and she doesn't want to get angry letters.
Dear Ms. Hamilton,
I was ashamed to see that you just assumed that NO kitchens have bodies wrapped in plastic on a gurney near the sink. Where else would one keep their bodies? Commercial refrigerators are too small, and I just don't have the pantry space to store my neighbor. He must be washed, chopped and then smoked immediately for preservation's sake. Please amend this heinous mistake in a second publishing run; I've read Narcissus in Chains, I know you can cover your mistakes!
Sincerely,
Ted Gein.
Anita muses on how she used to think of morgues as sad places because of all the death, but now it just makes her think about all the poor wittle vampires who cry while she comes at them with a stake. The doctor comes over, an older, pudgy gentleman named Dr. Memphis who is super pissed and doesn't care who knows it.
Anita explains that she and Olaf get Dr. M while Bernie and Edward get some hot girl doctor, and that Anita trusts them to learn what they can about the body that got divvied to them. Edward decided that Anita and Olaf would get the "less interesting bodies" because he doesn't want anything to do with Olaf "getting his rocks off."
Anita asks if this particular corpse's cause of death was exsanguination and the doctor says that, yes, this one died that way, but indicates that other bodies did not. The doctor peels back the plastic to show that the corpse has been sliced up quite a bit, and Olaf reaches out to fondle the cuts. Anita stops him, scolds him, and there's a stare-down, where Olaf holds her hand on his arm and she tells herself to BE COOL, MAN. JUST BE COOL.
Anita asks the doctor if they can, in fact, touch the bodies and he says yes, but has trouble calling the corpse a "body." Anita DIVINES WITH THE POWAH OF HER KEEN SENSES OKAY that the doctor knew the victims and that's why he's so pissed off.
Then, Anita realizes that touching these corpses is "romantic" to Olaf and she tells him never to touch her again. He points out that she touched him and she tells him that it will never happen again. Olaf looks deep into her eyes, leaning over her and whispering, "I hope it does."
I throw up a bit in my mouth, and continue reading, as Anita has a little internal flail over Olaf feeling that touching a corpse is foreplay. To be fair, so does Anita; how many vampires has she slept with?
The doctor notices that these two are being idiots and asks what the problem is. Olaf and Anita insist there is none, and Anita goes back to staring at the corpse because it's preferable to looking at Olaf while he's mooning over her.
--
Overall, this wasn't a completely gag-inducing bit to read. It definitely echoes the original books, but with just a bit more... I don't know how to even describe it, but the word "pompous" comes to mind. Anita is pompous. Anita's interactions with Olaf just piss me off because not only do they not make any logical sense, but they're just stupid and pointless.
Aaaand, I would say more, but I just realized I'm off work in five minutes and I must flee the internets and look busy!
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-12-18 05:21 pm (UTC)BilboIan Holm all confused as to why he's involved in these shenanigans.I love how everything somehow boils (heh) down to surprise!cannibalism and necrophilia. They really are an OTP.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-18 10:31 pm (UTC)(Also? Fifth Element is the best damn movie. Cable has been playing it constantly.)
I'm amused to see Anita sort of realizing how much of a necro she is, considering she really does sleep with dead bodies. I mean, they may move and talk, but they're technically dead.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-18 11:52 pm (UTC)I am totally waiting for Anita to have zombie!sex. Considering that LKH has previously claimed that she hasn't found her squick level on writing sex scenes yet, there totally has to be zombie!sex in the future. I'll be disappointed if there isn't. I think we need to make a bingo card to check things off.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-19 02:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-19 08:23 am (UTC)But this may be awesome, so clearly it'll never happen.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-19 08:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-19 03:52 pm (UTC)Also, I want to throw a necrophiliac at her.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-19 07:22 pm (UTC)Or bring the voodoo woman back. Why I can't remember her name right now is beyond me. Bringing back her dead enemies as zombies? I would read the shit out of that.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-20 06:36 am (UTC)So yeah, Anita is the biggest Mary Sue in her own universe. LKH really needs to see one of those Mary Sue tests. It's becoming increasingly difficult to read the wish fulfillment fantasies that she calls books.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-18 05:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-19 01:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-19 01:02 am (UTC)And, since Hamilton's pretends really hard that her imaginary friends are real, maybe this wish came true!
For some reason, "boning ladies" made me crack up!
no subject
Date: 2009-12-18 08:36 pm (UTC)Know what you mean about it echoing the earlier books - that was what kept me reading at first, but then I had issues with other stuff with it. Also I'm glad someone else thinks the scenes with Olaf are pointless (and definitely stupid).
no subject
Date: 2009-12-19 01:04 am (UTC)None of this, "oo-hoo-hoo! Anita! Your skin is so soft when you caress bloodless slices in human flesh!" bullshit :(